Sophisticated Relationships

“Life is like riding a bicycle. In order to keep your balance, you must keep moving.”

~Albert Einstein

So I’m sitting here, letting my mind wander, and I realize I’ve started thinking about my favorite topic: Dating.

Before this, I was thinking about a girl I have a crush on, and I’ve realized I have a serious problem. The problem is that my crush is blinding me. It’s making me stupid. I’m sitting here scheming on whether I should call her, or text her, or email her, or wait another day, since we texted yesterday and the day before, or maybe I should try to find her on AIM, or …. You get the idea. After all the reading and practicing and self-improvement I’ve done, my crush makes me as helpless as a 16-year old boy.

Silly? Yes. But realistic? Totally. Everyone faces this. For all I know, the same girl I’m thinking about is clutching her phone right now, debating on whether to call me. (As I’m typing this, I just checked my phone. This is getting ridiculous.)

There are 2 solutions for this problem.

This first one, I’ve seen some guys use. I swear guys do the dumbest things. They hide, ignore, and othwise try to stifle their feelings any way they can. They encourage each other to go meet other girls in addition — thereby taking the poignancy out of this particular set of feelings. Over time, they teach themselves to deaden their emotions to the emotional dating roller coaster and script their way through important conversations to avoid being led astray by their feelings of the moment.

The downside is obvious. It takes all the fun out of dating and, over time, stunts their ability to feel real romantic feelings of any kind. Downturns are numbed by the search for a new girl, and good times lose their luster amidst the ever-present calculation and prediction of the next bump in the road. This really applies to everyone — not just guys. People find all kinds of creative ways to avoid the feelings connected to romance. Do you hide from your romantic feelings?

The second solution is better, and hopefully I can apply it tonight. I’m going to enjoy my crush for a little while. I’ve actually been enjoying it all day… daydreaming about meeting up with her, dancing with her, kissing her, and so on. But in the meantime I’ve had a full day. I did some work this morning. I taught a salsa class. I called a friend and we talked. I hung out with my roommates for a while. Right now, I’m writing this blog.

In other words, I’ve indulged my crush, and I’ve stayed engaged with my everyday life.

And here’s the problem I think some people face: What is your everyday life? Do you have hobbies and interests? Do you cultivate friendships? Do you get out of the house? If you’re hesitating, then this is a bigger stumbling block then you realize.

When you meet someone new, if you have nothing else to focus on, you start to obsess, just like I did, but you can’t stop. By the time you talk to your new crush in real life, you’ve invested so much time and energy that a normal interaction is disappointing, maybe even impossible. You’re already head-over-heels, and they’re still wondering if they want to see you again.

If you’re sitting at home, waiting for a man or woman to complete you, you’re hobbling yourself. Not only are missing out on the great experiences you could be creating, but anyone you meet will be turned off by that giant, gaping hole which is apparent to everyone but you. Stop waiting and build up your own life. Fill it with your own interests and make yourself happy.

If you don’t know what your own interests are, find them! Try new things and get out of the house. I sat on my couch, alone, for years, waiting for someone who would give my life meaning. She never showed up and she never will. My life takes on meaning because of the things I do, and so does yours.

Now turn off your computer and go do something!

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Patrick grew up in Germany and the United states. He majored in Mechanical Engineering at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, which is where he currently resides. For two and a half years he managed an Energy Consulting start-up and in that time found that he LOVED salsa dancing.

Following his passion, he went from student to Salsa instructor. A year ago he realized he wanted to be a dating coach. And again, following his heart, he made that happen, by apprenticing with a dating coach for men in Los Angeles.

He has had a great time meeting and working with the new clients and each time he feels proud of the impact and difference he can make for other people. Just like when he started teaching salsa. He feels committed to helping others with the same problems that many people struggled with.

He and Lexi recently met through a mutual friend and quickly became good friends, bonding over self improvement and how there is a need for women to be supported in their adventures in dating. Together they are brain storming solutions, and today is his guest post, which is helpful for both men, and women.

Read about our other guest contributors here.

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“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” - a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” - Anais Nin

Tags: relationship with self, insight, character, love, authentic, self care, self-esteem, intimacy, cartoon, expectations, happiness, Lighthouse, radical honesty, purpose, well-being, communication, gratitude, honesty // Add Comment »

“The secret of happiness is this: let your interests be as wide as possible, and let your reactions to the things and persons that interest you be as far as possible friendly rather than hostile.”
~Bertrand Russell

Dear Cute and Intelligent Females:

I’m a man who likes women. I like meeting them, talking to them, flirting with them. Like most men, however, I have trouble approaching you in public.

There are a lot of guys like me out there. Sometimes you forget that the game of love is best played cooperatively, not competitively. As a public service, I’ve put together a list of observations on things that we guys struggle with when approaching women. Being aware of these things will make our job easier and your interactions more interesting and engaging. At least when you’re talking to me.

•  We suck at reading minds (also known as body language and voice inflection). Make it painfully obvious to us what you’re thinking and feeling. Men are a face-value breed and find it very difficult to (and frankly don’t like to) read into body language and voice tonality/inflection. If we don’t seem like we’re getting it, then we’re probably not
• Rejection is the male version of spiders: small and harmless, but incredibly scary. You guys freak out at a spider, we freak out at rejection. Hopefully this explains some strange behavior you may have observed in the past.
•  Females are built to be conversational Olympians, while most men converse about as well as dogs can kayak. Help us out by offering up topics of conversation. Do most of the talking. Ask us open ended questions about our feelings and experiences. Not all men like to open up to a girl they just met or even know how to speak the language of women; when you find one that does you might want to hang onto him for a bit.
•  iPods and sunglasses are evil. You might as well be standing behind 3 tons of heavy artillery with a sign that says “I will destroy your Xbox, plasma TV, and three quarters of the world’s beer supply if you come one step closer”. Take your sunglasses off if you see a cute guy. Wrap up your earbuds if you’re in proximity to a potential mate. Eye contact and open body language are huge and can do wonders to get a guy to approach you.
•  If you’re wearing a ring, don’t hide it. Don’t be afraid to tell us you’re already in a relationship. There are tactful ways of doing this. Tell us you can’t wait to get home to your husband’s award-winning meatloaf. Mention how awesome your boyfriend’s watercolor art of Lake Tahoe is. We’ll get the hint. If we don’t, you’re well justified in throwing a dirty martini or a nearby bucket of mop water in our face.
•  Mild confrontation is healthy and necessary. Women avoid confrontation the same way men avoid rejection (hint: like the plague). That’s why you give us fake numbers and that’s why we chicken out on making a move. Be more upfront and we’ll respect you (and probably be turned on too). I’m not advocating turning into a GI Jane (although some guys are into that), but sometimes guys need their egos shaped and trimmed a bit.
•  Last but not least: SMILE. Nothing improves an interaction more than a smiling, friendly face. Think of it this way—who would you rather have approach you, the hot dude with a furrowed brow, or the average guy with a big friendly grin on his face? If you answered with Hot Furrowed Brow Guy, then please keep on not smiling so I don’t approach your cranky ass.

Like the wise old dating coach Hitch says, “No woman wakes up saying ‘God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!‘”

So if you want to be swept off your feet by a man, be more conscious of the message you convey. Most girls are not aware of the signals they are broadcasting to the world and the only way to effectively change personal behavior is to become more aware of what we do, when we do it, and why we do it. Pay attention and the rest will follow.

Improving the world one interaction at a time,
Jon Graves

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