Sophisticated Relationships

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” - a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” - Anais Nin

Tags: relationship with self, insight, character, love, authentic, self care, self-esteem, intimacy, cartoon, expectations, happiness, Lighthouse, radical honesty, purpose, well-being, communication, gratitude, honesty // Add Comment »

“The secret of happiness is this: let your interests be as wide as possible, and let your reactions to the things and persons that interest you be as far as possible friendly rather than hostile.”
~Bertrand Russell

Dear Cute and Intelligent Females:

I’m a man who likes women. I like meeting them, talking to them, flirting with them. Like most men, however, I have trouble approaching you in public.

There are a lot of guys like me out there. Sometimes you forget that the game of love is best played cooperatively, not competitively. As a public service, I’ve put together a list of observations on things that we guys struggle with when approaching women. Being aware of these things will make our job easier and your interactions more interesting and engaging. At least when you’re talking to me.

•  We suck at reading minds (also known as body language and voice inflection). Make it painfully obvious to us what you’re thinking and feeling. Men are a face-value breed and find it very difficult to (and frankly don’t like to) read into body language and voice tonality/inflection. If we don’t seem like we’re getting it, then we’re probably not
• Rejection is the male version of spiders: small and harmless, but incredibly scary. You guys freak out at a spider, we freak out at rejection. Hopefully this explains some strange behavior you may have observed in the past.
•  Females are built to be conversational Olympians, while most men converse about as well as dogs can kayak. Help us out by offering up topics of conversation. Do most of the talking. Ask us open ended questions about our feelings and experiences. Not all men like to open up to a girl they just met or even know how to speak the language of women; when you find one that does you might want to hang onto him for a bit.
•  iPods and sunglasses are evil. You might as well be standing behind 3 tons of heavy artillery with a sign that says “I will destroy your Xbox, plasma TV, and three quarters of the world’s beer supply if you come one step closer”. Take your sunglasses off if you see a cute guy. Wrap up your earbuds if you’re in proximity to a potential mate. Eye contact and open body language are huge and can do wonders to get a guy to approach you.
•  If you’re wearing a ring, don’t hide it. Don’t be afraid to tell us you’re already in a relationship. There are tactful ways of doing this. Tell us you can’t wait to get home to your husband’s award-winning meatloaf. Mention how awesome your boyfriend’s watercolor art of Lake Tahoe is. We’ll get the hint. If we don’t, you’re well justified in throwing a dirty martini or a nearby bucket of mop water in our face.
•  Mild confrontation is healthy and necessary. Women avoid confrontation the same way men avoid rejection (hint: like the plague). That’s why you give us fake numbers and that’s why we chicken out on making a move. Be more upfront and we’ll respect you (and probably be turned on too). I’m not advocating turning into a GI Jane (although some guys are into that), but sometimes guys need their egos shaped and trimmed a bit.
•  Last but not least: SMILE. Nothing improves an interaction more than a smiling, friendly face. Think of it this way—who would you rather have approach you, the hot dude with a furrowed brow, or the average guy with a big friendly grin on his face? If you answered with Hot Furrowed Brow Guy, then please keep on not smiling so I don’t approach your cranky ass.

Like the wise old dating coach Hitch says, “No woman wakes up saying ‘God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!‘”

So if you want to be swept off your feet by a man, be more conscious of the message you convey. Most girls are not aware of the signals they are broadcasting to the world and the only way to effectively change personal behavior is to become more aware of what we do, when we do it, and why we do it. Pay attention and the rest will follow.

Improving the world one interaction at a time,
Jon Graves

Tags: Guest, action, communication // 5 Comments »

I hope you are all having a fantastic summer.  A friend just forwarded this free event (see below) next Friday at UCLA. There will be a number of good speakers and very forward-thinking attendees there, so if you can make it, please do (I will be out of town unfortunately).  If you go, I would love to read your comments about your experience at the conference and how what the speakers talked about will impact your life.

On Friday June 27th at UCLA, the Methuselah Foundation is hosting Aging: The Disease, The Cure, The Implications, a panel discussion featuring leading scientists and advocates of stem cell and regenerative medicine research, including Dr. Aubrey de Grey, the Foundation’s Chairman and Chief Science Officer. 

Panelists will discuss the scientific progress and implications of eliminating age-related disease and disability, as well as public policy as it pertains to relevant scientific research legislation, including the passing of Prop 71 that led to establishing the California Institute of Regenerative Medicine and allocating $3 billion over 10 years to fund stem cell research.

Aging 2008 is free, with advance registration required at http://www.mfoundation.org/Aging2008/.

Dr. Aubrey de Grey, chairman and chief science officer of the Methuselah Foundation, said “Our organization has raised over $10 million to crack open the logjams in longevity science. With the two-armed strategy of direct investments into key research projects, and a competitive prize to spur on scientists racing to break rejuvenation and longevity records in lab mice, the Foundation is actively accelerating the drive toward a future free of age-related degeneration.” The Methuselah Foundation has been covered by 60 Minutes, Popular Science, The Wall Street Journal, and other top-flight media outlets.

The speakers at Aging 2008 will argue that the near-term consequences of intense research into regenerative medicine could be the development of therapies that extend healthy human life by decades, even if the therapies are applied in middle age.  Peter Thiel, president of Clarium Capital, initial investor in Facebook, and lead sponsor of Aging 2008, said, “The time has come to challenge the inevitability of aging. This forum will provide an excellent opportunity to look at the scientific barriers that must be over-come to substantially extend healthy human life, as well as the ethical implications of doing so.”

Admission to Aging 2008 is free, with advance registration required at www.mfoundation.org/aging2008.

WHEN:   
Friday, June 27, 2008 
Complimentary Reception - 4:00pm
Panel Discussion  - 5:00pm
Dinner w/ Speakers - 8:00pm  

WHERE:  
Royce Hall, 340 Royce Dr., UCLA, Los Angeles, CA

WHO:  
Presented by the Methuselah Foundation, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization dedicated to extending the healthy human lifespan. Founded in 2002 by entrepreneur David Gobel and biogerontologist Dr. Aubrey de Grey, the Methuselah Foundation funds two major programs: the Mprize, a multimillion dollar research prize, and SENS, a detailed engineering plan to repair aging-related damage.  For more information, visit www.mfoundation.org.  

SPEAKERS:
 * Dr. Aubrey de Grey – Chairman and Chief Science Officer, Methuselah Foundation
 * Dr. Bruce Ames – Professor of Biochemistry, UC Berkeley
 * Dr. William Haseltine – Chairman, Haseltine Global Health
 * Daniel Perry – Executive Director, Alliance for Aging Research
 * Bernard Siegel – Executive Director, Genetics Policy Institute
 * Dr. Gregory Stock – Director, UCLA Program on Medicine, Technology and Society
 * Dr. Michael West – Founder, Geron and Advanced Cell Technology 

See Dr. de Grey’s speech at the TED conference.

See a lecture from Dr. Ames and the Stein Institute.

See Dr. Haseltine in a guest appearance on Charlie Rose, minute starting at 35.24

Tags: announcement, TED, Lexi // Add Comment »

Sometimes the shortest route to self-improvement isn’t to change anything about yourself but rather just to become more informed.

~Simon Funk

Saturday I had lunch with my friend Patrick in San Louis Obispo on lovely sunny day surrounded by the rhythm of a college town. We were exchanging fun banter mixed with more serious aspirations. I mentioned Sophisticated Relationships as a place that I write and he asked what it was about.

I told him originally it was meant to have a “Sex in the City” vibe and that it has taken a turn for more personal development. Both Lighthouse and I believe that in order to be in a sophisticated relationship with an engaging, secure and wonderful person, you have to be that yourself. This is why SR has taken a deeper look at things like self acceptance, not being attached to outcome, story telling and self care. This works for us, and it may work for you, if not try something else.

Everything you do or say, or don’t do and don’t say is communication. How you move, how you dress, how you speak, how you treat yourself, how you treat others, and more, is all communication to everyone else about who you are. There are many ways to communicate and interpret this kind of information.

What you believe about yourself and the world influences how you perceive and interact with the world.

 

If you believe you live in a hostile unfriendly world, your mind is going to be more likely to pick up on the cues that match your perception, a confirmation bias. It doesn’t mean you won’t make friends, but you may make fewer.

If you believe that most people are basically friendly and honest, that too is going to influence how you perceive the world. It doesn’t mean that you won’t come across dishonest unkind people—but they will seem like an anomaly, and you may have many more friends than someone with a more negative view of the world.

Like most beliefs about the world, these examples demonstrate how your behavior might be influenced in the world. And how you behave may generate further confirmation bias. If you believe the world is unfriendly, you may behave in an unfriendly or hostile way, thus not giving anyone a reason to be friendly to you— thus confirming that your belief in an unfriendly world is true.

If you believe the world is generally a kind place, you are more likely to notice the small kindnesses in every day passing, this may influence you to be kinder and you may find that others are further kinder to you, because people like to do things for others who treat them well—thus confirming that the world really is a kind place.

Additional influences on behavior will be what you believe about yourself. If you are more self-rejecting than self accepting, your self view will influence how you behave with others. It will influence how you dress yourself, how you carry yourself, how you speak to and approach other people. Depending on your interpretations and the level of importance you place on how others react to you, it can reinforce your negative self image keeping you stuck in a negative feedback loop.

Up until 2003, I used to worry a lot about whether or not people liked me. When I was in a state where I was worried, this influenced my behavior in ways that brought out unlikable behaviors. This worry felt like someone strapped a bomb to my chest and told me to act like Jack Nicholson. Naturally my behavior changed, and it wasn’t that I wasn’t being myself—I was, but I was being myself with a bomb strapped to my chest trying to act like Jack Nicholson.

The bomb made it seem like a good reason to act like Mr. Nicholson. Take the bomb away and I’m being myself frantically acting like Jack Nicholson, that was what I conveyed to others. They didn’t see the bomb, they just saw the resulting behavior. Trying to act like Jack was not how I preferred to interact, and probably was not the best way for me to connect with others. I can only imagine what I might be conveying to others about myself.

That worry is an imaginary bomb.

Take the worry bomb away, notice it is no longer there, my internal view has changed and viola, I can stop frantically acting like Jack. The bomb represents misinformation, and without that worry bomb strapped to my chest, what I end up conveying about myself is different because my beliefs and perceptions changed. By understanding that rejection is information, and not something to worry about, I can make a more informed decision about my behavior.

Which brings me back to my original point, what is Sophisticated Relationships about? Creating authentic connections. And to do that, it helps to be in touch with your self. In addition to communication, many of our articles are devoted to the relationship with oneself, by improving that, becoming more informed, we are more equipped to interact fruitfully in the world, become and attract people who are engaging, secure and wonderful.

Have a great weekend!

Lexi

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