Sophisticated Relationships

Start a journal where in you keep the compliments other people have given you.   When you are feeling like you need a confidence boost, go and read them.

I was enjoying a talk with my friend the other day, and he shared with me how he noticed that since he went through one of the programs at The Hoffman Institute that he has noticed that he has started getting more compliments.  He said that it made him feel good to hear them because sometimes he had a hard time remembering the good things about himself.  Just after that moment, the idea was born!  We talked about keeping a compliment journal, and how it might help him remember the good parts about himself when he’s feeling bad.

Here is a compliment I received recently: Every time I see your witty twitters or facebook posts, and they make me laugh, it makes me happy you‘re in my life.

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There is a ton of research out there that suggests having an attitude of gratitude is good for you.  Some people are concerned that if you are grateful for someone or something, then that means you are indebted.  However, researchers have “argued that gratitude is conceptually distinct from indebtedness, based on its having the opposite affective tone. People experience indebtedness as a negative, unpleasant state, whereas gratitude is a pleasant state.” And I agree with them.

Thank you notes and gratitude letters acknowledge another person’s actions.  Thank you notes are short, and usually about discreet instances, such as a gift or a interview.  Gratitude letters are longer, and usually recognize multiple ways in which you are thankful for this person in your life.

A gratitude letter is an acknowledgment that someone’s role in your life is not just as a supporting actor, but as a distinct and separate person that is taking time from their lives to do something that helps you.  It is taking that person into consideration as something other than a means to your self actualization.  It is letting them know they matter, they are appreciated and that they are seen.  It may contribute to their sense of significance by letting them know how they affected you.

To get in the frame of mind to write your gratitude letter, start with the Peter Levine’s ‘felt sense of comfort’ exercise.  Then think of a person that positively impacted your life.  What might they have had to give up to help you?  What ways have their actions may have served as examples for how you want to live? Did they have to do what they did for you?  As you are thinking about what you are grateful for about this person, notice the feelings that might be coming up for you.

Now you are ready to write your letter.  If you’re having a hard time thinking of the wording, here are some sentence suggestions:

• I appreciate you because . . .

• When you did X for me, I felt (in case you need a feeling thesaurus: feelings you might have when your needs are met, another link to feeling words)

• When you did X for me, it meant that I could now do _____, and because of that my life is (positive adjectives)

• When I saw/heard that you did X, it told me that you were a (positive adjective) person. I felt ___, knowing that you were in the world.

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Here are some articles we found interesting, and thought you might too:

What happens when some pick up artists try to teach women how to meet men in San Francisco?  Find out here.

Is there more than one path to empathy?

Have kids?  Want to make the world a kinder place?  Here are some ideas about how to raise kinder children.

What’s the relationship between teens, screens and relationships?

One more reason to work on your social skills, loneliness increases the likelihood of high blood pressure in people over 50, and if you’re lucky, you’ll make it to over 50.

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A friend recommended this exercise as a way to taking a few minutes out of your day, to sit, in a comfortable position and check in with yourself.  Although this is not it’s original purpose, to find more out about that you can read more about the Felt Sense of Comfort exercise in Waking the Tiger, by Peter A. Levine, Ph.D.

Feel the way your body makes contact with the surface that is supporting you.

Sense into your skin and notice the way your clothes feel.

Sense underneath your skin — what sensations are there?
Now, gently remembering these sensations, how do you know that you feel comfortable?  what physical sensations contribute to the over all feeling of comfort?

Does becoming more aware of these sensations make you feel more of less comfortable?  Does this change over time?

Sit for a moment and enjoy the felt sense of feeling comfortable.

Good.

If you take the time to try this, I’m curious to hear about your experiences.  Did you only do it once?  Have you done it several times?  Does anything seem to change the more often you do this exercise?

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