Sophisticated Relationships

“Womanhood is a whole different thing from girlhood. Girlhood is a gift . . . Womanhood is a choice.” ~ Tori Amos

I’ve been a little behind in writing for my blog, and I had not focused on anything inspiring. This morning, I checked my inbox, and got my wish for inspiration. My friend Jonathan linked me to Steve Pavlina’s article, How to Be a Man, which contained within a challenge to write an article “How to Be A Woman” I had inspiration.

In writing my essay, I focused on what being a woman meant to me, and while I write to “you” it is mostly to myself.  I don’t think this list is going to be a good match for everyone, so instead I wrote a piece to the part of me that is a woman open to her more feminine side.

1. The Relationship with You comes first

Women value relationships. Historically, women are the glue of family and social networks– it was valuable for women to build them so if their partner should be unable to care for them, others in their network could pick up the slack.

Women tend to value cooperation and do well when supported by and are supporting their social and familiar networks. This involves being in tuned with the needs of others and nurturing relationships with others.

However, the relationship with you comes above all other relationships. While it is very natural for women to work on their relationships with friends, their partner, their children or parents, it is also important to keep the self in perspective, to be kind and compassionate, starting with self.

Being conscious of who you are and what you want, and being confident that you also deserve the kindness and compassion from yourself that you show others is integral to a good realtionship with yourself.  Honoring who you are, your values and feeling proud of your identity and knowing how to take care of yourself is another part of this relationship.

Taking care of yourself physically may mean taking self-defense courses, taking care of your body through good diet and exercise, not through fad or crash diets. Financial self-care means knowing how to make a budget and manage money. Taking care of yourself emotionally is how you value yourself in relationship to your actions and relationships.

Rarely, it is worth taking care of others before caring for yourself– especially if it is a part of who you are.

The other reason this is important is because if you don’t take care of your self well enough, it makes it hard to take care of other people well enough.

2. Give from a place of Self-Fullness

Being able to give to others is a wonderful feeling, and something that many women are good at and enjoy doing, especially in a relationship with a man. While many women enjoy giving and helping others, sometimes they over give to the point of harm to the self, the relationship or the other person.

The harm to self may be physical, emotional, financial, or harm to their self-respect because sacrificing self fills another need. Perhaps it is the need to be liked or loved, to feel like a good person etc, or meet a cultural value and that is giving from a place of need or emptiness in the hope that giving will “fill one up.”

The harm to the relationship may come when a woman gives too much too soon or helping when help was not asked for. When you find yourself doing a lot for a new person in your life, something that you wouldn’t do for a good friend of a few years, you may be doing too much for them.  Or hurting them or making them feel uncomfortable in the process.

Over investing your time and energy in someone you don’t know well signals that you don’t value your time, and teaches them not to value it either. It would be helpful to look at why you are doing so much for them. If help was not asked for, you run the risk of resenting the person you are helping for not being grateful, or they will resent you for smothering them.  Or they may feel uncomfortable with what you are doing for them.   Is giving about making you feel a certain way or them?

Giving to oneself comes before all others so that when one gives to others, one can do it from a place of love and fullness, and be able to let go of the outcome of that giving. The giving is not from a place of need fulfillment, because you are already fulfilled.

3. Ask for what you need or want

Other people are not mind readers and you are not a martyr.

Being able to ask for what you need or want, is a sign that you have a good relationship with yourself– you know yourself well enough to know what needs you have that are not being met and asking for it signals that you value yourself and others.

Asking for what you want does not mean you will get what you want.  The point is not the outcome.  The point is being an active participant in your own life, respecting your values and needs, the act of cherishing your heart.

Asking for what you need or want may include telling others when they are doing something that is hurtful or upsetting to you– in the form of “When you do ___, I feel ___” this again, is a signal that you cherish your heart and gives others the choice of changing their behavior, or not. If not, you may add what you will do if a behavior does not stop. Then, be sure that you do it. It doesn’t require any bitchyness at all.

Asking for what you want includes acknowledging that you are also a sexual being and asking for what you want and need sexually.  You’ve lived in your body since you were born, and have been the one person with access to your particular turn-ons, mood-makers, and physical stimuli that make you go crazy (in a good way!) Tell your partner what these are – he or she can’t be expected to guess at which particular way you like to be stimulated (mentally and physically) from all the myriad potential options

Be prepared to get what you want and don’t hold it against others for giving it to you.

4. Receive with Grace

As often as women give to each other, you would think it would be easy to receive.

For some it is easy to receive and accept the good will and love of others for them, not because they are entitled to it, but because they deserve the gifts of others affection, whether material or emotional.

For others, especially those that may not have a good relationship with self, it may be difficult to acknowledge that one does deserve kindness from others because one may not yet cherish oneself as much as another does– thus making it difficult to receive kindness without shame.

A woman who is able to receive graciously will feel honored but not indebted for kindness behind the action or gift or sentiment.

A man’s desire to do this does not mean she need to accept it– simply accept the love behind the gesture graciously and ask for what she wants or needs.

Every gift, hug, or sign of genuine affection is an honor to receive not an expectation.

5. Do not acknowledge the trivial pettiness of others

What you focus on grows. If others are being petty or if you are obsessing about a problem, you are spending your valuable time and energy on something that probably won’t matter given enough time. Shift your focus to solutions and things that bring you joy.

6. Feel your Feelings

One of the blessings is that women have more freedom in this society to feel their feelings in a social context. Feeling deeply means you are alive and human.  Knowing your feelings is one of the ways that women stay in touch with themselves. Feeling your feelings does not always mean acting on them, simply acknowledging them and not judging yourself for what you are feeling. Our feelings are our guideposts for what we want and who we are in life.

7. Enjoy other Women, Enjoy Yourself

There is something very healing about being with other women you can trust and feel at home with. Women can give to each other things that men cannot give to us.  Just like men hanging out with other men is good for them too.

When we bond with other women, we can relate to each other in another way– there is a strong sense of closeness you can have with other women without it being sexual. Women are smart, funny, charming, kind, giving, intellectual, thoughtful people. Taking a moment to enjoy women means taking a moment to enjoy yourself as a woman.

Are their hardships that men don’t face? Of course. There are also many joys women experience because of being a woman than men cannot. What those joys are is up to individual to determine.

Women have more freedom in the roles they can choose than men and still be thought of as feminine, where as many men are culturally limited in the family roles they can choose and still be considered men. For example, culturally we do no respect the male kindergarten teacher, despite ~200 years ago most teachers were male only.

8. Value other Women

Too often women look down on other women for making life choices different from theirs. Feminism was supposed to help us have more choices, so that we could get out of abusive marriages and have more ability to pursue our lives as individuals, or in mutually fulfilling relationships and have opportunities to contribute to our society and surroundings in ways that men are able to.

However, sometimes it seems like feminism has divided those who choose to or must work from those who choose to or are able to stay at home.  Some women who choose careers look down on women who choose to be stay at home moms, or vice versa. Neither choice is wrong. Each woman feels fulfilled differently and it is more useful to support each other in our individual needs than to criticize each other for honoring ourselves, even if that means leading a non-traditional life.

Additionally, value their relationships with their men.  If you meet a man who is troubled in his marriage, do not add to the trouble by becoming sexually or romantically involved with him– you deserve someone who is able to enter an honest and open relationship with you.  You show that you value other women, and yourself when stay out of it.

9. Only be romantically involved with men whom you respect

Romantic involvement is not the same as sex, but often tied to it.  Romantic involvment invovles opening your heart and connecting on a higher level than lust and infatuation.  However, often for women, “just sex” leads the heart into places where it may not have gone.  If you choose to have sex without love, be sure you can truly disconnect the two and not be attached to the outcome.

Being with a man you respect means you have confidence in his ability to make decisions for himself, even if they are not the decisions you would make. You know he is a man because he has proven to you through his actions that he is responsible for what he does.

When a man is worthy of respect, it is easy to follow his lead, not because you are abdicating yourself to him, but because it is enjoyable to be led by him.

Respecting a man means when you do for him, you do from a place of self-fullness. You respect him and want to give him the best of you that means treating yourself well so that when you are together, the time is of high quality.  This may mean making time for you to be away from him.

A man who is worthy of your respect is also a man who will care for you when you are down, who is capable of and willing to cherish your heart and self.  A man who is worthy of respect will do kind things for you because it pleases him to please you, not because he thinks it will make you love him.

You cannot respect someone you do not know. You may feel inspired to respect him, but this is different from actually knowing him, witnessing that he walks his talk, like a man.

Some men and women confuse fear and respect. Fear means you are kind to a person or do as they wish because you fear the consequences of not doing so. Some confuse a controlling man for a man worthy of respect.  If you allow yourself to be controlled by a man, it may look like a form of respect but is an abdication of your cherished heart and adult self to another, you do not have a good relationship with yourself if you do this.

10. Rejoice in the Differences Recognize the Commonalities

Everybody is different. Men and women are different. And of course we all have overlapping similarities.  The combination of similarities and differences is a factor in our attraction to each other.  Our differences are not something to be scorned or hated.  Our differences do not make us better or worse.  They make us different, and complementary.

~~~~

That was my approach to being a feminine woman.  What’s is yours?  Guys, what makes a woman feminine to you?

With love and respect,

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, Uncategorized, character, communication, competence, expectations, family, friends, insight by Lexi
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Lighthouse and I are taking a vacation from the blog for two weeks.  We will resume posting on Monday and Thursday starting January 7th, 2008.

We are also going to start sometime in the near future a section for “Guest Posts”.

We hope you are having many lovely year end gatherings.

Tags: Uncategorized by Lexi
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Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.

-Epictetus Roman (Greek-born) slave & Stoic philosopher (55 AD – 135 AD)

If you want a date, who is more than just a friend, for a Holiday party or any other time, skip this post.  This post is not for you.  This post is for the person who wants to ensure their datelessness, without the conflict of saying ”No”.  

Here is a list of some of the ways you can avoid getting a date.

1. Stay at home, all the time.

When you leave the house, you run the risk of meeting people.  People who might like you.  If you carefully avoid places where other people might be, you will be sure not to meet any of them.  Avoid coffee shops, bookstores, any museums, clubs, bars, the theatre, hiking trails, airports, anywhere that other people might be. 

Work from home, order in. 

2.  Neglect the internet, in particular: social networking sites, blogs or dating sites.

Social Networking sites like MySpace, Friendster, Facebook, Multiply, Tribe, Orkut and Linked In are designed to keep in touch with your current friends, and help create a feeling of community.  They make the world seem like a smaller place.  Especially if you scroll through your friends of friends and talk to them.  Stop that. 

If they like you, they might ask to meet in “meat space.” 

You have the same problem with web logs.   Word press, deadjournal, typepad, or your own personal page that people can comment on, you may talk to people.  In a weak moment, that online relationship may go to *gasp* the real world. 

Dating sites are particularly pesky.  You could Join Match.com, Chemistry, OkCupid, TypeTango, or It’s Just Coffee.  If you’re currently signed up for one of these, I don’t believe that you really want to remain dateless.  So stop reading! 

3.  Avoid eye contact If for some reason, you’ve left your house, and you’re some place other than work, then avoid eye contact.  Especially avoid prolonged eye contact with strangers.  Some people see it as an invitation to talk to you.  Unless you’re staring them down, in which case you are being sufficiently creepy enough to make them avoid you.Ladies, if you look at a guy and look away.   Then you look at him for about 5 seconds and look away again, if he’s not completely socially inept, he’ll take this as an invitation to talk to you.  Don’t let that happen.  Gentleman, if you catch a girl looking at you, don’t return the look, and you may want to leave the area.  She may be mustering up the courage to talk to you.   Alternatively, scowl at her and stare her down like you were two mangy rabid tabbies in a dark alley.  You’ll raise the creep factor enough that she’ll avoid the approach.

4.  No Smiling

If you are trying to avoid eye contact with strangers, also avoid smiling at them.  Especially the big, slow smile.  You know the one.  You see a person, you make eye contact with each other.  A second or two passes, and then slowly you see the corners of their mouth reach for their ears as they beam to you the most glorious smile that was certainly meant for only you.  It’s the smile Leil Lowndestalks about in her book How to Talk to Anyone: 62 Little Tricks for Big Sucess in Relationships.

This is most certainly interpreted as a friendly and inviting gesture.  Avoid it at all costs.  It could open a really big can of dates. 

5.   Definitely Don’t Talk To Strangers

Your mother was right.  Don’t talk to strangers.  Chances are, they might talk back, they might have something interesting to say.  They might never stop talking, and then where will you be?  You might get a date.  Totally contrary to your goal of being dateless.  Especially avoid any of the advice in my friend David Wygant’s book “Always Talk to Strangers.”

6.  Be Oblivious

If, for some reason you’ve run into someone that violates guildelines 1-5, pretend not to notice.  Dodge that eye contact, return that smile with a blank stare.  When they talk to you, turn, and walk away, or reply with something that is unrelated to whatever they just said.  Negate any compliments.

Other ways to be oblivious: bump into people, repeatedly, and keep walking like you never noticed; knock someone’s drink over because you didn’t see it, and then walk away like nothing happened; use out of context conversational openers- nothing says “not all there” like a guy calling you a stalker because your shoes are similar, or you’re walking out of the women’s bathroom while he’s walking into the men’s bathroom; ignore opportunities to talk to people, such as in line, on a train, a bus, at the laundromat, in an elevator, on an escalator in a store . . . the list goes on and on and on . . .

7.  Groom Poorly

My father says “There is no such thing as an ugly woman, only a poor one.”  I would say this goes for men too.  What he means, is that, even if a person did not win the phenotype lottery like Brangelina, Penelope Cruz, Lucy Lui or Halle Berry, they can still make themselves attractive by how they groom themselves.   With money, they can groom really well, because they can have trained professionals do it for them. 

My father was wrong about needing money to be well groomed.  Without money, you need to be rich in imagination .  . . but really, if you want to avoid getting a date, stop grooming. 

Let your dandruff fall like a snowy morning in Poland.  Let your breath be the bain of the existence of anyone within your orbit.  Let your natural musk cling to your body, free from the fear of soap and water, while able to permeate the nostrils of those close to you.  For extra measure, cover it up with a cheap yet heavy perfume.  Don’t style your hair, but if you do, be sure it is a style from at least two decades ago.  Let your unibrow reign supreme.  And forbid yourself from trying to highlight your best features in any way.  Don’t excercise.

 vs.

8.  Wear Nothing but Burlap Sacks

People judge us on how we look.  The clothes we wear may tell a person more about ourselves than the color of our skin.  One of the factors that attract people to each other is other people that look good in clothing that is appropriate to their body type.  Avoid this at all costs.

No matter what your personal style, goth kid, steam punk, business tycoon, club sophisticate, trendy surfer . . . be sure your clothing is ill-fitted, stained and torn.  Get some of that muffin top and buddha belly action, at least one of which is totally avoidable with a proper fit. 

The following outfit only helps you avoid dates, if you’re a guy, and maybe not even then. To remain on the dateless side of the style life, just wear a burlap sack.

9.  Walk, Sit or Stand like you hate yourself.

Posture is another tell that indicates to others how you may feel about yourself.  Whether or not you actually feel that way, posture is something people interpret that way.  Everything we do is information– it is communication to other people, whether we are conscious of it or not, and people use that information, consciously or not, to decide if they want to hang out with you.  So, if you want to avoid people thinking you may be interesting or confident at all, slouch, shuffle, walk sit and stand like you are being crush by the world.

Seriously, think about the difference between George Clooney (bad) and Napoleon Dynamite (good).  The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (bad) and Steve Erkle (good). 

10.  Always See the Negative Side of Life

There is nothing that helps a person have bad posture like a negative attitude.  Think “woe is me“.  Avoid figuring out how you can make your own situation better.  Take everything personally.  If you say hi to someone in a loud area, and they don’t say hi back, attribute it to them hating you, rather than not being able to hear you.  Daily, ask yourself “Why me!” 

Imagine there is a rain cloud over your head following you everywhere.  If someone compliments you, despite all of your efforts to be repellant, pause for a moment, look at them and negate their compliment.  Better yet, don’t even respond.  That is sure to keep you dateless, and it may even keep people from inviting you to their pesky parties anyway! 

11.    Be Boring or Really Weird, as long as others cannot relate to you

If, for some reason, after you’ve tried everything else, someone should insist on talking with you . . . be boring or weird.  Whatever it is, make sure that others cannot relate to you. 

Some tips for weird: Whatever a person is talking about, change the topic abruptly, if they seem interested, change it again.  Don’t listen.  Be nice one minute, and rude the next.  Being passive agressive works too.  Stand too close in an imposing and invasive way . . . this is different than establishing rapport and moving closer.  Wear too much perfume or cologne.  If you’re a girl wear too much make-up.  Think Mimi from the Drew Carrey show.

Some tips for boring: Answer questions with as little information and enthusiasm as possible.  Talk about something only 5 people in the world care about.  Don’t ask people questions about themselves, oddly enough, that makes people think you are interesting, when you ask about them.  Talk in a monotone. Several months ago I had the tooth-pullingly boring conversation with a woman who *could* have been interesting if she’d known how to convey that.  I found myself talking to her because the host had asked if I would mind helping her feel welcome to the party.  This is something my friends often ask of me when they have shy guests who don’t know anyone, because I am good at it.   Having never failed before, I said sure.  I had to eject from the conversation, because it was so painfully boring.  I found out the girl was visiting from Houston and hated it, met her friend at John Hopkins and works for an Oil Company as a Geologist.  Any one of these things could have one interesting story.  Hell, even a story that wasn’t conveyed well would have been more interesting.   So, really, keep your answers do one word.  Avoid asking other people questions, especially open ended ones.  If you must talk, talk about one thing incessantly.

12.  For the extra oomph trail off . . . and walk away

If after all this you’ve managed to capture someones attention, trail off mid sentence and walk away.  It will really . . .

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, Uncategorized, communication, competence, expectations, humor, insight, rejection by Lexi
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Is it wrong to change yourself to be more attractive to others? If the goal is to become more attractive so that people who are good matches for you will be more likely to interact with you, than no!

There is nothing wrong with making an effort to be attractive to others. Sometimes that is called the art of seduction. For some, it seems quite the honorable pursuit to help one’s self become a more attractive, socially engaging person, especially when focused on their own value. This means focusing on yourself, who you are, what you like and growing your edges into a confident human being. Nothing is more attractive than confidence! What is unattractive: Expecting people to be attracted to you, and then acting indignant when it doesn’t happen.

Often times the desire to change comes from the drive to improve, to be a better person, to make connections with other humans. We are social creatures. Most of us prefer to be around attractive people. Being attractive, isn’t just a physical thing. You don’t have to have the perfect legs or face. Personality, good hygiene and grooming habits can go a long way. People are also attracted to each other for who they are and how they treat themselves and others.

What most people find concerning about people who are trying to be more attractive is: what is done with the attraction. Is it used to introduce us to a person and lead us in exploration of a match? Or is the attraction used to lie and manipulate us into things that if we were more honest with each other (and ourselves) might not happen? The history of the word seduction implies the latter, however contemporary usage implies the former– reality is much more of a continuum.

Some examples of seduction techniques: movie trailers, advertisements, retail window arrangements, and free samples. All of those are seduction attempts– to increase the likelihood that needs get met, sometimes in a supply/demand way, sometimes in a more persuasive manner. It seems ideal when the seducer and the enticed get both of their needs met– a simple example would be the movies.

The Movies! “The Movie” refers to all the people behind the movie and is personified. In this case, The Movie is the seducer. The Movie creates a preview or trailer to attract an audience. The Audience is the enticed. This example is somewhat one-sided, and not entirely reflective of real life. If an honest attempt at getting movie goers to come see the movie is made by the seducer, the enticed spends their money and their time on the movie. More often than not, both parties come away happy. The seducer gets their needs met (a return on their investment of time and money in the form of money and fame) as do the enticed in the form of entertainment. If the seducer isn’t able to successfully advertise– they may not get their needs met– if the enticed is not sufficiently enticed, they probably won’t bother investing their time and money. Essentially, when a movie is honestly represented in trailers, it attracts the kind of movie goers who like what it has to offer into going and seeing that movie! The movie goer is subsequently entertained.

This seems like a win-win situation.

The dynamics between men and women are similar, only men and women are concurrently the seducers and the enticed. There is a constant on-going negotiation between the people for getting their needs and wants met, which can be the same as The Movie and The Audience. The negotiation between people is complex and sophisticated with varying degrees of consciousness on either side.

There is the risk that there is not a sufficient match. Not necessarily because anyone is bad or deceitful, although that is certainly a consideration. Sometimes it is the simply the case that two people are not a good match for each other. Often one figures this out before the other. Hopefully it is conveyed with kindness and received the same way. These interactions seem like a symphony that some people know how to play, while others are attempting to deconstruct the orchestra and song components in order to learn how to play or compose better.

This deconstruction provides a tool kit. The tools in and of themselves are not good or bad (they are either effective or ineffective) it is what the intentions the user has that determines whether the tools are being used to harm people and relationships or help connect people and build relationships.

(A False Choice )

For example things that are commonly complained about are: men who use women for sex or beauty and women who use men for money or breeding. This seems like a predator/prey situation, which in the short run is win-lose, and in the long run is lose-lose, where behaviors are designed to mislead, control others, or pull strings. A person that needs to do that kind of thing doesn’t believe they can connect with people without coercing them. Unfortunately psychological coercion is a lot harder to prove than a gun to one’s head. Do you want to be liked for you, or for your deceptions?

Not everyone is looking for a win-win situation, what this means for anyone, is we have to be really clear and honest with ourselves about what we want, what we are willing to tolerate, and what will make us walk away. If we don’t know what we want and who we are, we may get caught up in the moment of a good time. While there is nothing wrong with that, don’t mistake it for anything else.

Most intentions are clear and from a place of integrity, including a desire to find a mutually good match or to establish a connection. No matter the outcome, if the intentions are good it is win-win. “No matter the outcome” is important because sometimes rejection is a good thing. Turning someone down can be an act of kindness. It is not an act of kindness to tolerate someone- you are depriving them and yourself of an authentic connection in an intimate and loving relationship. No one wins when you just “tolerate” someone.

If you are the one turning someone down, chances are you can tell that for whatever reason, you’re not a good match. If you are the person being turned down, it may not feel good. However don’t beat yourself up over it either. You are now free to find someone who will appreciate all that you are– because you will be great for the right person, you just have to leave your house to find them.

Dating, putting your best foot forward, being honest in your seducer/enticer role is about meeting people so that you can get to know whether or not you are a match. Don’t lie about who you are, what you are interested in. When you seek a match with integrity, it doesn’t matter if not every person is your match. In fact I can guarantee that not everyone will be a match. What matters, is you find a good mutual match. That is what makes it win-win for everyone.

Lexi*Bright

Tags: Lexi, Uncategorized, communication, competence, honesty, win-win by Lexi
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