Sophisticated Relationships

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” – a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” – Anais Nin

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, cartoon, character, communication, expectations, gratitude, happiness, honesty, insight, intimacy, love, purpose, radical honesty, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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“We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other peoples’ models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open.” – Shakti Gawain

Ever since my last appointment with Dr. Zzzz, I’ve been thinking about the concept of self-acceptance. When I read the The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, self-acceptance was the chapter I was the least interested in, the chapter I wanted to gloss over the most… and ironically, it was the chapter I needed to pay the most attention to (it’s always like that, isn’t it?).

The philosophy group I belong to decided to read Radical Acceptance (which Dr. Zzzz had recommended). Most of us had a copy on our bookshelves already but had not read it. I reluctantly opened the pages… and then found myself totally engrossed in the book. It’s very well written… and it feels like it was written just for me. Sigh.

Tara Brach defines Radical Acceptance as the cultivation of mindfulness and compassion. “For so many of us, feelings of deficiency are right around the corner. It doesn’t take much – just hearing of someone else’s accomplishments, being criticized, getting into an argument, making a mistake at work – to make us feel that we are not okay.”

I know this is certainly true for me. I can be feeling great one minute, and then some incident will happen and all my self-doubts come crushing in.

“Convinced that we are not good enough, we can never relax. We stay on guard, monitoring ourselves for shortcomings. When we inevitably find them, we feel even more insecure and undeserving. We have to try even harder. The irony of all of this is… where do we think we are going anyway?”"…We must overcome our flaws by controlling our bodies, controlling our emotions, controlling our natural surroundings, controlling other people. And we must strive tirelessly – working, acquiring, consuming, achieving, e-mailing, over-committing and rushing – in a never-ending quest to prove ourselves once and for all.”

There are many things, Tara Brach points out, that we do to “manage the pain of inadequacy”:

* Embark on one self-improvement project after another – Rather than relaxing and enjoying who we are and what we’re doing, we are comparing ourselves with an ideal and trying to make up for the difference.
* Hold back and play it safe rather than risking failure – Playing it safe requires that we avoid risky situations – which covers pretty much all of life.
* Withdraw from our experience of the present moment – We pull away from the raw feelings of fear and shame by incessantly telling ourselves stories about what is happening in our life. [...] Living in the future creates the illusion that we are managing our life and steels us against personal failure.
* Keep busy – Staying occupied is a socially sanctioned way of remaining distant from our pain. How often do we hear that someone who has just lost a dear one is “doing a good job at keeping busy”?
* Become our own worst critics – Staying on top of what is wrong with us gives us the sense that we are controlling our impulses, disguising our weaknesses and possibly improving our character.
* Focus on other people’s faults – Every time we hide a defeat we reinforce the fear that we are insufficient. When we strive to impress or outdo others, we strengthen the underlying belief that we are not enough as we are.

Whenever we reject a part of our being, we are confirming to ourselves our fundamental unworthiness.When we learn to face and feel the fear and shame we habitually avoid, we begin to awaken from trance. We free ourselves to respond to our circumstances in ways that bring genuine peace and happiness.

So what do we do?

The first step, is to identify the beliefs that we have that make us feel unworthy (“Do I accept my body as it is? Do I judge myself for not being intelligent/interesting/funny enough? Am I ashamed of feeling jealous?” etc). Throughout the day, start to become aware (without judging) of how you relate to yourself and your behaviors. Notice what your inner critic is saying to you.

Learn to recognize the thoughts you are having. When the inner-critic starts battling with you, don’t engage. Recognize the voice simply as a passing thought. Just allow the thought and its associated feelings to move through you. Notice what your body does in reaction to your thoughts.

Then… learn to “pause”.

What if we were to intentionally stop our mental computations and our rushing around and, for a minute or two, simply pause and notice our inner experience? A pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal. In a pause, we simply discontinue whatever we are doing – thinking, talking, walking, writing, planning, worrying, eating – and become wholeheartedly present, attentive and, often, physically still. A pause is, by nature, time limited. We resume our activities but we do so with increased presence and more ability to make choices.

I’ve decided to choose several times during the day to practice pausing. Every morning, I wake up and make a cup of tea (it’s one of my favorite morning rituals) and sit down at my computer. Before engaging with my computer, I sit and observe what is happening in my body. There’s nothing for me to “do” except listen. There are several more times during the day where I make tea, and every time I sit back down to begin working, I pause and listen.

The book describes some common misunderstandings about radical acceptance:

* It is not resignation.
* It does not mean defining ourselves by our limitations. It is not an excuse for withdrawal.
* It is not self-indulgence.
* It does not make us passive.
* It doesn’t mean accepting a “self”.

So accepting everything means that we are aware of what is happening in our body and mind in any given moment, without trying to control or judge or pull away. It does not mean putting up with harmful behavior. It means feeling sorrow and pain without resisting. It means feeling desire or dislike for someone without judging ourselves for the feeling or being driven to act on it. Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is Radical Acceptance.

It’s been interesting for me to really begin to pay attention to all the things that are happening in my body throughout the day. I didn’t realize how disconnected I could be – or how quickly disconnected I could become. Scheduled pauses gives me an opportunity to check in with myself several times throughout the day – while at the same time, allowing me to practice for emotionally intense moments where a pause has the potential to make all the difference.

If any of you have any experience with these techniques, I would love to hear about them.

“I must learn to love the fool in me—the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”- Theodore Rubin

Shine on!

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, happiness, insight, love, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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“Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance towards the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point.” – Harold B. Melchart

Lately, I’m having trouble prioritizing all the things I have to do. I do pretty well for a while, and then I get overwhelmed with all the things on my list. One of the self-care cards that I’ve been drawing lately is “Priorities: Get your priorities straight. When you know what’s important, saying no gets much easier.”

My friends and I recently started an “accountability group”. The point of the group is to take care of all the little things that end up on our to-do lists over and over again… those things that we can never seem to get around to doing. Everyone in the group writes down 3-5 things that they would like to accomplish during the month. At the end of the month we have a group phone call to discuss what we accomplished or didn’t, and why. I did really well the first month, but the second month has been difficult… I’ve completed almost none of my goals and the month is almost over.

I’m finding that I don’t manage my time well and I’ve been thinking about all the possible causes:
* It’s hard for me to wake up early because I enjoy staying up late (and as much as I like to sleep, I’d rather do almost anything else). In addition, it’s difficult to leave a warm and delicious body in the bed while I go and start my day.
* Because I don’t wake up early, I end up working late into the evening. It’s easy to get interrupted in the evening because friends are making plans and I’m eager to interact with them.
* Many of my activities are online so even though I am switching projects, I’m online all the time. And thus the work is seemingly unvaried.
* I’m trying to do too much… and it might be possible to do everything I want, as long as I don’t take any breaks. That is not realistic.
* I need to have a clear and relatively specific goal in mind or I have trouble starting on a project.
* I can’t seem to focus. I feel like there is so much going on all the time… I can’t seem to catch up with everything I want to do.

There’s a lot of advice on how to “get things done“. There are a myriad of programs to help with task management. Ironically, I work for the best online project management tool on the market: Qtask. In looking around and studying the various ways of prioritizing time, here are some of my favorite pieces of advice:

* Take care of all the little things. Spend a day doing the little things filling up your to-do list.
* Clear the clutter. Sometimes having a clean workspace can help focus the mind.
* Prepare for tomorrow the night before. Write a to-do list, lay out the clothes you are going to wear, make a lunch, etc
* Break things down into bite sized pieces. I know that for myself “Make this website better” is not specific enough to motivate me to work on improving a website.
* Just start. Don’t worry about doing it perfectly. You can alter the course as you go. If you don’t start, you have nothing.
* Do the hardest thing first.
* Take breaks. Go for a walk. Clear your mind when it feels “jumbled”.
* Say no to things that are not a priority. One of the things I’ve done to focus on my priorities is to write my goals on a 3×5 card and then tape that card to the inside of my journal where I write my morning pages. This ensures that I see my goals every morning, keeping them in my mind throughout the course of my day.
* Don’t forget to have fun. Life is not just about crossing things off the list. Try and enjoy yourself while you are accomplishing your tasks.

So, dear readers, in the never-ending quest to get things done, how do you solve your own problems of prioritization? What has helped you to be more productive?

“Our real duty is always found running in the direction of our worthiest desires.” – Randolph S. Bourne

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, action, competence, expectations, happiness, insight, overwhelmed, purpose, well-being by Lighthouse
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“It always comes back to the same necessity: go deep enough and there is a bedrock of truth, however hard.” – May Sarton

One of the most amazing women that I know is Emi Joy. She is one of the people in my life who has constantly encouraged me to be bigger and brighter than I thought I could be. About 6 months ago, she introduced me to a meditation that she created for herself. She calls it the Heart-Mind-Body Meditation.

HEART-MIND-BODY MEDITATION

* Rest comfortably in a quiet place.
* In your mind, picture yourself walking to a quiet place (for me, I climb into a treehouse).
* Enter the quiet place and sit down.
* Invite your heart, mind, and body to come and talk with you.
* Watch as your heart, mind, and body come into your space in whatever shape/form they take. Don’t force a form on them, just let them appear. For instance, the first time that I did this exercise, my heart appeared as a princess, my mind appeared as an old banker hunched over a desk rummaging through papers, and my body appeared as a grossly obese woman.
* Ask your heart, mind, and body how they are doing and if they need anything. In my case, my heart-princess asked for more warmth and gentleness. My banker-mind asked for more focus. My obese-body asked me to unzip the fat suit because it was uncomfortable.
* Reassure your heart, mind, and body that you are there for them and that you will do what’s necessary to take care of them.
* Thank them for expressing themselves to you.

Objectifying my heart, mind, and body has helped me visualize what my needs are. Over time, my heart, mind, and body have appeared in all kinds of forms. I note it down to keep track of how things change for me over time. I have found this meditation to be an effective way of checking in with the various aspects of myself. It helps me to integrate all the different components that are at work within myself. The meditation can take as much or as little time as I want (I usually do this while in Shavasana during yoga – or in the morning after writing my morning pages).

Visualization has been shown to be a very powerful tool in many respects.

Visualization, a form of self-hypnosis, is a tool anyone can use to help foster healing. By providing positive pictures (creative imagery) and self-suggestion, visualization can change emotions that subsequently have a physical effect on the body.

Our belief system is based upon the accumulation of verbal and non-verbal suggestions that have been gathered throughout our life experience. Through patterns of repetition and its associated rewards and punishment we learn to create our own perception of reality. In essence, we therefore become what we think. In healing, repetitive use of positive visualization allows access to the mind-body connection.

Sounds simple, but does it work? Can what we think actually have an effect on healing? Bodies do react to the thoughts you make. Our psychological/emotional state affects the endocrine system. For example, the emotion of fear is related to adrenaline. If no feeling of fear exists there is no adrenaline and the same applies in reverse- no adrenaline, no fear. They work in relationship to each other. Wherever a thought goes there is a body chemical reaction.

The hypothalamus, the emotional center of the brain, transforms emotions into physical response. The receptor of neuropeptides, the hypothalamus also controls the bodyís appetite, blood sugar levels, body temperature, adrenal and pituitary glands, heart, lung, digestive and circulatory systems. Neuropeptides, the chemical messenger hormones, carry emotions back and forth between the mind and body. They link perception in the brain to the body via organs, hormones and cellular activity. Neuropeptides influence every major section of the immune system, so the body and mind do work together as one unit. – The Healing Power of the Mind and Visualization by Linda MacKenzie

We spend a lot of time trying to tune things out of our external worlds (car noises, radios, television, people, etc.) and we also tune a lot of things out of our internal worlds. Having conversations with our heart, mind, and body helps tune our internal listening skills, which, as a consequence, helps us to manage our external worlds. When our heart, mind, and body are aligned, we become a powerful force for ourselves.

I am endlessly grateful for my friendship with Emi. I think that the Heart-Mind-Body Meditation is a fun and brilliant way of listening to and aligning with our selves.

Thank you, Emi… for everything.

“The identification with the whole can only come when the individual has lived out the utmost of his aspirations and is at peace with himself.” – Anais Nin

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, communication, happiness, insight, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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