Sophisticated Relationships

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” – a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” – Anais Nin

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, cartoon, character, communication, expectations, gratitude, happiness, honesty, insight, intimacy, love, purpose, radical honesty, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
No Comments »

“Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance towards the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point.” – Harold B. Melchart

Lately, I’m having trouble prioritizing all the things I have to do. I do pretty well for a while, and then I get overwhelmed with all the things on my list. One of the self-care cards that I’ve been drawing lately is “Priorities: Get your priorities straight. When you know what’s important, saying no gets much easier.”

My friends and I recently started an “accountability group”. The point of the group is to take care of all the little things that end up on our to-do lists over and over again… those things that we can never seem to get around to doing. Everyone in the group writes down 3-5 things that they would like to accomplish during the month. At the end of the month we have a group phone call to discuss what we accomplished or didn’t, and why. I did really well the first month, but the second month has been difficult… I’ve completed almost none of my goals and the month is almost over.

I’m finding that I don’t manage my time well and I’ve been thinking about all the possible causes:
* It’s hard for me to wake up early because I enjoy staying up late (and as much as I like to sleep, I’d rather do almost anything else). In addition, it’s difficult to leave a warm and delicious body in the bed while I go and start my day.
* Because I don’t wake up early, I end up working late into the evening. It’s easy to get interrupted in the evening because friends are making plans and I’m eager to interact with them.
* Many of my activities are online so even though I am switching projects, I’m online all the time. And thus the work is seemingly unvaried.
* I’m trying to do too much… and it might be possible to do everything I want, as long as I don’t take any breaks. That is not realistic.
* I need to have a clear and relatively specific goal in mind or I have trouble starting on a project.
* I can’t seem to focus. I feel like there is so much going on all the time… I can’t seem to catch up with everything I want to do.

There’s a lot of advice on how to “get things done“. There are a myriad of programs to help with task management. Ironically, I work for the best online project management tool on the market: Qtask. In looking around and studying the various ways of prioritizing time, here are some of my favorite pieces of advice:

* Take care of all the little things. Spend a day doing the little things filling up your to-do list.
* Clear the clutter. Sometimes having a clean workspace can help focus the mind.
* Prepare for tomorrow the night before. Write a to-do list, lay out the clothes you are going to wear, make a lunch, etc
* Break things down into bite sized pieces. I know that for myself “Make this website better” is not specific enough to motivate me to work on improving a website.
* Just start. Don’t worry about doing it perfectly. You can alter the course as you go. If you don’t start, you have nothing.
* Do the hardest thing first.
* Take breaks. Go for a walk. Clear your mind when it feels “jumbled”.
* Say no to things that are not a priority. One of the things I’ve done to focus on my priorities is to write my goals on a 3×5 card and then tape that card to the inside of my journal where I write my morning pages. This ensures that I see my goals every morning, keeping them in my mind throughout the course of my day.
* Don’t forget to have fun. Life is not just about crossing things off the list. Try and enjoy yourself while you are accomplishing your tasks.

So, dear readers, in the never-ending quest to get things done, how do you solve your own problems of prioritization? What has helped you to be more productive?

“Our real duty is always found running in the direction of our worthiest desires.” – Randolph S. Bourne

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, action, competence, expectations, happiness, insight, overwhelmed, purpose, well-being by Lighthouse
5 Comments »

“Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold.” – Zelda Fitzgerald

There is a difference between love and being in love. I can love my friend, my sister, my cat, my blog… But being IN LOVE with someone has a different meaning.

Johnny Seitan and I dated for 7 years. We had a great relationship… we rarely fought, we loved the same music, we liked doing the same things, we traveled well together, our love life was good. Our relationship was ideal in many, many ways… except that Johnny wasn’t passionate about me. He loved me. He enjoyed spending time with me, but he wasn’t IN LOVE with me. It took me a long time to realize that’s what was missing from the relationship, and that it was a really important component of what I wanted.

I’ll start with some definitions (I realize that there are many, many definitions of love – but I chose descriptions that I related to).

Love – To take delight or pleasure in; to have a strong liking or desire for, or interest in; to be pleased with.

Limerence – An involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person.

So the difference between love and being in love is limerence… the intense romantic desire.

Johnny Seitan certainly liked being around me, he found me attractive, but he was lacking the intense romantic desire for me. I knew that something wasn’t right, but so many things were perfect that I couldn’t really justify leaving the relationship for a long time. Eventually I did break things off – still without knowing exactly why – which was painful for both Johnny and I. It took me a long time to figure out what had happened.

In researching this blog topic, I came across Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love and found it particularly interesting.

“In the triangular theory of love, love is characterized by three elements: intimacy, passion and commitment. Each of these elements can be present in a relationship, producing the following combinations:”

I really like how this theory describes various types of love… And it immediately brings several questions to mind. What kind of relationship are you in? What kind of relationship is acceptable for you? What do you want? What is missing? What can you improve?

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” Flavia Weedn

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Johnny Seitan, Lighthouse, happiness, love, purpose by Lighthouse
20 Comments »

“Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.” – Eddie Cantor

There are several ways in which I can feel overwhelmed: physically, socially, and emotionally. While the basics of dealing with the feeling of being overwhelmed are the same, the details of dealing with each situation are slightly different.

Physically overwhelmed

I am the kind of person that always has a ton of projects going at once. I try to keep it at a reasonable level but I like being busy.

Every few months, I write down what my goals are – short term and long term. Every morning, I wake up, make a tea, and write my morning pages. I’ve taped a notecard with my list of goals on the inside of my journal so it’s the first thing I see every day. It helps me focus on what’s important.

One of the drawbacks to having a lot of projects, is sometimes feeling overwhelmed. I know when I’m overwhelmed because I feel scattered, disorganized, tired, and anxious. I don’t breathe as deeply and I’m not enjoying the time I’m spending on my projects… everything seems like a chore.

* Exercise. I can’t stress enough the importance of exercise. The physical benefits far outweigh the time that it takes. Never skip exercise.
* Set goals. Set short term and long term goals.
* Take time at the beginning or end of each day to write out a list of things that needs to get done.
* Set aside the things on your list that don’t help you meet your goals.
* Set aside time to work without interruption.
* Do the hardest thing first.
* Set a time limit for something difficult that you’re working on. It might help to know that you’ll only have to do it for 2 hours rather than something you’ll be working on all day.
* Take time out for yourself.

Socially overwhelmed

While I am an extrovert, I can get worn out by too much social stimuli. Sometimes I just feel drained by going to too many events in too short a time period. I often travel to visit with friends and find myself in situations where I am going out every night, sleeping on couches, and cafe hopping during the day trying to get work done. It’s important for me to have a place to reroot, relax, and spend time by myself and that is especially difficult to do when I’m traveling.

* Get space. Find a quiet spot and sit and breathe.
* Just be quiet. Let your friends know that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and are just needing some quiet time. Most people can relate to this feeling and will allow you the space you need.
* Take a walk

Emotionally overwhelmed

Being emotionally overwhelmed happens mainly when I’m experiencing stress in my romantic relationships. Because these relationships are of primary importance, and because they tend to affect my sense of self in the most insidious ways, it can be difficult to concentrate on the things that I really need to get done.

* Exercise
* Write it down. Writing things down can help sort out all the emotions and provide clarity.
* Practice good self care
* Get space – even if you have to duck into a bathroom at a party, get to a place where you can cry, or sit and think, or breathe.
* Breathe deeply

Almost everyone experiences being overwhelmed at one time or another. It’s helpful to write down the things that work for you so that when you feel overwhelmed, you already have a plan in place.

“So let us welcome peaceful evening in.” – William Cowper

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, action, anxiety, happiness, overwhelmed, purpose, well-being by Lighthouse
1 Comment »