Sophisticated Relationships

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” – a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” – Anais Nin

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, cartoon, character, communication, expectations, gratitude, happiness, honesty, insight, intimacy, love, purpose, radical honesty, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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“When the breath wanders the mind also is unsteady. But when the breath is calmed the mind too will be still…” – Svatmarama, Hatha Yoga Pradipika

Recently, some friends asked me to teach a weekly yoga class. Of course I jumped at the opportunity. Teaching yoga is a great way to spend time with friends (it’s wondrously introspection inducing) and I knew that teaching would greatly improve my own yoga practice (which, after only 2 weeks, it has!). One of the most important aspects of yoga is pranayama: the conscious regulation of the breath.

We are in a hurry so much of the time, always trying to get to the next place or working on crossing things off of our lists. In addition, our need for physical activity is reduced because of modern technology and automation. Our breathing patterns mimic our life patterns and we can develop unhealthy breathing habits without being aware of it.

When we’re stressed, our breath tends to be fast and shallow. In response to various tensions, we hunch our bodies, slouch, or curl into balls, and over time, our breathing becomes habitually restricted. Breathing consciously can help open our chests, improving our posture and our stress levels.

“Several researchers have reported that pranayama techniques are beneficial in treating a range of stress related disorders, improving autonomic functions, relieving symptoms of asthma, and reducing signs of oxidative stress. Practitioners report that the practice of pranayama develops a steady mind, strong will-power, and sound judgement, and also claim that sustained pranayama practice extends life and enhances perception.” – Wikipedia

The ultimate aim of pranayama is to focus the mind, leading towards personal reintegration. When you practice pranayama, you are deliberately changing your normal breathing patterns. The change in breathing patterns changes your state of mind and reduces the mental disturbances. As a result, your thoughts become clearer and your understanding of yourself is enhanced. As your mind becomes more fully absorbed in the observation of the breathing process, the character of the breath tends to change involuntarily. In other words, your breath changes simply by you becoming aware of it.

Some of the benefits of pranayama include:

• Better focus and concentration
• Increased lung capacity
• Better emotional control
• Stress reduction
• Reducing insomnia

If you’ve never done any breathing exercises before, here is an easy way to start:

1. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Sitting is recommended so that you don’t fall asleep.
2. Become conscious of your breath. Don’t try and regulate it. Simply remain aware of the quality of the breath – the inhale, exhale, and the pauses between the two. Don’t try and change anything… merely focus on the present nature of your breath.
3. After several minutes, start breathing in and out through your nose. Breathe into the stomach and then out from the stomach. Try to make the exhalations longer than the inhalations.
4. Now try inhaling first into the chest and then into the lower stomach. Then exhale and fully remove the air first from your stomach and then from you chest. Remove all the air that can comfortably be expelled from the lungs before inhaling again.

A fun visual component to add to the exercise is to imagine all of your unwanted emotions being pushed through a fire in your belly. The breath helps to push the unwanted emotions through the fire and expel the residue.

“According to the yoga texts, ‘fire’ (agni) exists inside our bodies near the navel. The impurities settle below that, in the abdominal area called apana. This fire burns impurities, and our breath affects the quality of the flame. Furthermore, breath regulates the flow of impurities toward the fire for burning, and away from it in order to leave the body.” – A.G. Mohan, Yoga for Body, Breath, and Mind – A Guide to Personal Reintegration

Like anything, when we practice something consciously, the body begins to memorize the activity and we integrate it into our unconscious selves. Try sitting up straighter, or walking taller and see how that affects the state of your breath, your mind, and consequently, your life.

Have any of you experimented with breath/breathing techniques?  What have you experienced (positive or negative)?

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” – Buddhist Proverb

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, anxiety, breathing, relationship with self, rituals, self care, well-being by Lighthouse
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“Genuine beginnings begin within us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities.” – William Bridges

About two weeks ago, Cheery and I were walking home after having gone out for a lovely evening of movie watching, shopping, and milling about. We were entrenched in conversation and laughter when all of a sudden someone jumped out from behind a corner and demanded our purses. Someone grabbed for my purse… I probably should have let them have it, but instinct kicked in and I held onto my purse, screamed help, and fought. I suddenly realized that there was more than one person. I was dragged across the street by my purse strap. I held tight, and kept kicking and screaming for help. Two of the thugs began kicking and punching me in the head. Eventually my purse strap broke and they were able to take my purse. One of the thugs held my hands behind my back. I’m not exactly sure what happened after that.

Some neighbors heard me screaming and called the police, who showed up surprisingly fast. In fact, I could still see the thugs half way down the block as the police arrived. Cheery and I jumped into the back of the cop car and went after them. It was probably the wrong thing to do – the cops should have started running after them on foot – there were too many places for the thugs to duck into.

I quickly began going into shock. For me, going into shock looked like hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably. I could not get my breathing under control, which for me, is really telling because I’ve been practicing Ujjayi breath for 10 years. After getting out of the cop car, I had to sit down on the curb, and then as I got dizzier and dizzier, I had to lay down. The paramedics came and asked if I wanted to go to the emergency room. At this point, I didn’t know what to do. The bumps on my head were growing; I was in a lot of pain and feeling dizzy. I kept saying that I didn’t know and that I was in shock. I eventually chose to go to the ER. It took me about 2 hours to calm my breathing and to stop crying.

A few years ago, after my incident with Henry, I took a 10-month self-defense class where I was taught Defendu. That’s where I learned to scream and to fight. I’m so grateful for the training. During the attack, my mind heard my instructors yelling at me to scream louder. My body moved instinctively into fighting positions.

Should I have fought back? It’s definitely arguable. Most people I have talked to say that they just hand over their possessions when confronted with thugs. I didn’t know there was more than one person when I began to fight. While it was extremely dangerous, I am glad that my fight-instinct kicked in. I’m glad that I didn’t make it easy for them.

Obviously, being attacked is extremely traumatic. I wasn’t sure what to expect in terms of emotional processing after the attack was over. A heavy depression set in the following morning and lasted for a couple of days. The depression quickly morphed into anger.

I’m used to sitting with my feelings and processing them. But I started being inundated with angry thoughts and I couldn’t stop them or even process them. I just felt bombarded and out of control. Luckily for me, work was extremely busy the following week and I was able to sufficiently distract myself and allow time to dissipate some of the anger I was feeling. Of course, it only delayed the real processing work that I am now facing.

The level of support that I have received has been heart-opening. Qtask gave me a new phone, and the CEO gave me some cash so that I didn’t have to stress. My friends called and wrote to offer their support and ask if there was anything I needed. Zoltan held me tight in my weaker moments and provided continuous love. I am tremendously grateful for the people that surround my life.

I am practicing good self-care and working on ways to find the lessons in all of this experience. Please feel free to share your experiences with trauma and things that have helped you use those experiences to further your self-growth.

“And when a human being transforms himself, when *you* transform yourself radically, you are affecting the whole consciousness of mankind. You are mankind, you are the movement of mankind. This is fact, this is actual. If you change, you affect the world. So it is your tremendous responsibility.” J. Krishnamurti, Total Freedom

Shine on!

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, Zoltan, gratitude, self care, self defense, well-being by Lighthouse
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“We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other peoples’ models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open.” – Shakti Gawain

Ever since my last appointment with Dr. Zzzz, I’ve been thinking about the concept of self-acceptance. When I read the The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, self-acceptance was the chapter I was the least interested in, the chapter I wanted to gloss over the most… and ironically, it was the chapter I needed to pay the most attention to (it’s always like that, isn’t it?).

The philosophy group I belong to decided to read Radical Acceptance (which Dr. Zzzz had recommended). Most of us had a copy on our bookshelves already but had not read it. I reluctantly opened the pages… and then found myself totally engrossed in the book. It’s very well written… and it feels like it was written just for me. Sigh.

Tara Brach defines Radical Acceptance as the cultivation of mindfulness and compassion. “For so many of us, feelings of deficiency are right around the corner. It doesn’t take much – just hearing of someone else’s accomplishments, being criticized, getting into an argument, making a mistake at work – to make us feel that we are not okay.”

I know this is certainly true for me. I can be feeling great one minute, and then some incident will happen and all my self-doubts come crushing in.

“Convinced that we are not good enough, we can never relax. We stay on guard, monitoring ourselves for shortcomings. When we inevitably find them, we feel even more insecure and undeserving. We have to try even harder. The irony of all of this is… where do we think we are going anyway?”"…We must overcome our flaws by controlling our bodies, controlling our emotions, controlling our natural surroundings, controlling other people. And we must strive tirelessly – working, acquiring, consuming, achieving, e-mailing, over-committing and rushing – in a never-ending quest to prove ourselves once and for all.”

There are many things, Tara Brach points out, that we do to “manage the pain of inadequacy”:

* Embark on one self-improvement project after another – Rather than relaxing and enjoying who we are and what we’re doing, we are comparing ourselves with an ideal and trying to make up for the difference.
* Hold back and play it safe rather than risking failure – Playing it safe requires that we avoid risky situations – which covers pretty much all of life.
* Withdraw from our experience of the present moment – We pull away from the raw feelings of fear and shame by incessantly telling ourselves stories about what is happening in our life. [...] Living in the future creates the illusion that we are managing our life and steels us against personal failure.
* Keep busy – Staying occupied is a socially sanctioned way of remaining distant from our pain. How often do we hear that someone who has just lost a dear one is “doing a good job at keeping busy”?
* Become our own worst critics – Staying on top of what is wrong with us gives us the sense that we are controlling our impulses, disguising our weaknesses and possibly improving our character.
* Focus on other people’s faults – Every time we hide a defeat we reinforce the fear that we are insufficient. When we strive to impress or outdo others, we strengthen the underlying belief that we are not enough as we are.

Whenever we reject a part of our being, we are confirming to ourselves our fundamental unworthiness.When we learn to face and feel the fear and shame we habitually avoid, we begin to awaken from trance. We free ourselves to respond to our circumstances in ways that bring genuine peace and happiness.

So what do we do?

The first step, is to identify the beliefs that we have that make us feel unworthy (“Do I accept my body as it is? Do I judge myself for not being intelligent/interesting/funny enough? Am I ashamed of feeling jealous?” etc). Throughout the day, start to become aware (without judging) of how you relate to yourself and your behaviors. Notice what your inner critic is saying to you.

Learn to recognize the thoughts you are having. When the inner-critic starts battling with you, don’t engage. Recognize the voice simply as a passing thought. Just allow the thought and its associated feelings to move through you. Notice what your body does in reaction to your thoughts.

Then… learn to “pause”.

What if we were to intentionally stop our mental computations and our rushing around and, for a minute or two, simply pause and notice our inner experience? A pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal. In a pause, we simply discontinue whatever we are doing – thinking, talking, walking, writing, planning, worrying, eating – and become wholeheartedly present, attentive and, often, physically still. A pause is, by nature, time limited. We resume our activities but we do so with increased presence and more ability to make choices.

I’ve decided to choose several times during the day to practice pausing. Every morning, I wake up and make a cup of tea (it’s one of my favorite morning rituals) and sit down at my computer. Before engaging with my computer, I sit and observe what is happening in my body. There’s nothing for me to “do” except listen. There are several more times during the day where I make tea, and every time I sit back down to begin working, I pause and listen.

The book describes some common misunderstandings about radical acceptance:

* It is not resignation.
* It does not mean defining ourselves by our limitations. It is not an excuse for withdrawal.
* It is not self-indulgence.
* It does not make us passive.
* It doesn’t mean accepting a “self”.

So accepting everything means that we are aware of what is happening in our body and mind in any given moment, without trying to control or judge or pull away. It does not mean putting up with harmful behavior. It means feeling sorrow and pain without resisting. It means feeling desire or dislike for someone without judging ourselves for the feeling or being driven to act on it. Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is Radical Acceptance.

It’s been interesting for me to really begin to pay attention to all the things that are happening in my body throughout the day. I didn’t realize how disconnected I could be – or how quickly disconnected I could become. Scheduled pauses gives me an opportunity to check in with myself several times throughout the day – while at the same time, allowing me to practice for emotionally intense moments where a pause has the potential to make all the difference.

If any of you have any experience with these techniques, I would love to hear about them.

“I must learn to love the fool in me—the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”- Theodore Rubin

Shine on!

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, happiness, insight, love, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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