“To divide anything into what should be and what is is the most deceptive way of dealing with life” – J. Krishnamurti, Total Freedom
I loved spending time with DJ David. Riding back to his place on the back of his motorcycle after a night at the club are some of my all time favorite memories. Our dates mainly consisted of staying up all night talking. I didn’t care where we went, I was happy just hanging out. DJ David was kind, playful, gentle, disciplined, and trustworthy. He made the world a better place.
The downside was that I only got to see him about once every two weeks and I had very little interaction with him in between our dates. I wanted more… not a lot more, but I wanted to be a part of his life. I wanted more than just a night… I wanted to know the details of his day. I wanted an intimate friendship.
I really enjoyed the anticipation of our dates and was sad when they were over, knowing it would be weeks before we could have that time again. During those weeks, many different emotions ran through me – insecurity, resentment, indignation, wistfulness… In my mind I constantly found ways to distance myself from him.
I knew he was busy and I knew he dated other women. I was sensitive to not being overbearing. I hardly ever asked him for his time, because he rarely responded when I did. I learned to wait, knowing that he would contact me when he was ready to see me. But I felt like a chump. I felt resentful that our relationship was so unbalanced and so sporadic.
And the question really became, what do you do when you want to spend more time with someone than they want to spend with you? Is a little bit of DJ David better than no DJ David?
I am currently finding myself in a similar situation with Zoltan. Looking back, the answer was yes, a little bit of DJ David was better than no DJ David. And while I am still feeling all the same emotions of insecurity and resentment with Zoltan, I know that I’m trying to blame my feelings of rejection on someone other than myself. Because I am somewhat clouded by emotion, I am going to assume, that the answer to my current situation is yes, a little bit of Zoltan is better than no Zoltan.
I want to focus on being grateful for the time that I get to spend with people rather than being resentful for the time that I don’t get to spend with people. I want to stand undefended and vulnerable in the face of fear… But how do I get my emotions on board with my mind?
“… when one loves there must be freedom, not only from the other person but from oneself.
“This belonging to another, being psychologically nourished by another, depending on another – in all this there must always be anxiety, fear, jealousy, guilt; and so long as there is fear there is no love; a mind ridden with sorrow will never know what love is; sentimentality and emotionalism have nothing whatsoever to do with love. And so love is not to do with pleasure and desire.” J. Krishnamurti, Total Freedom
When I listen to what it is I need, the answer is to live my life as I would like to live it; spend my time doing things that I enjoy doing. I will focus on being grateful for the experiences that I have. I will focus on finding beauty in the small things… interactions with friends, yoga in the park, live music, dancing, IM pings, new music, luxurious moments, the sun on my back, a new friend.
I don’t know why it’s so difficult to keep this perspective… this base level gratitude for being alive. My default seems to be taking things for granted. It is, of course, easier when I am in a good mood… but when I’m in a bad mood, the perspective easily changes.
I am focusing on being grateful for being alive… for having an amazing group of friends, for having a job that I love, for having a home that is extraordinary, for having excellent health, for being smart… and when that extra delicious time with the many characters in my life comes along, I will focus on being grateful for that too.