Sophisticated Relationships

There is a ton of research out there that suggests having an attitude of gratitude is good for you.  Some people are concerned that if you are grateful for someone or something, then that means you are indebted.  However, researchers have “argued that gratitude is conceptually distinct from indebtedness, based on its having the opposite affective tone. People experience indebtedness as a negative, unpleasant state, whereas gratitude is a pleasant state.” And I agree with them.

Thank you notes and gratitude letters acknowledge another person’s actions.  Thank you notes are short, and usually about discreet instances, such as a gift or a interview.  Gratitude letters are longer, and usually recognize multiple ways in which you are thankful for this person in your life.

A gratitude letter is an acknowledgment that someone’s role in your life is not just as a supporting actor, but as a distinct and separate person that is taking time from their lives to do something that helps you.  It is taking that person into consideration as something other than a means to your self actualization.  It is letting them know they matter, they are appreciated and that they are seen.  It may contribute to their sense of significance by letting them know how they affected you.

To get in the frame of mind to write your gratitude letter, start with the Peter Levine’s ‘felt sense of comfort’ exercise.  Then think of a person that positively impacted your life.  What might they have had to give up to help you?  What ways have their actions may have served as examples for how you want to live? Did they have to do what they did for you?  As you are thinking about what you are grateful for about this person, notice the feelings that might be coming up for you.

Now you are ready to write your letter.  If you’re having a hard time thinking of the wording, here are some sentence suggestions:

• I appreciate you because . . .

• When you did X for me, I felt (in case you need a feeling thesaurus: feelings you might have when your needs are met, another link to feeling words)

• When you did X for me, it meant that I could now do _____, and because of that my life is (positive adjectives)

• When I saw/heard that you did X, it told me that you were a (positive adjective) person. I felt ___, knowing that you were in the world.

Tags: Lexi, Personal Growth Activity, gratitude, rituals, win-win by Lexi
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“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” – a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” – Anais Nin

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, cartoon, character, communication, expectations, gratitude, happiness, honesty, insight, intimacy, love, purpose, radical honesty, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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“Genuine beginnings begin within us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities.” – William Bridges

About two weeks ago, Cheery and I were walking home after having gone out for a lovely evening of movie watching, shopping, and milling about. We were entrenched in conversation and laughter when all of a sudden someone jumped out from behind a corner and demanded our purses. Someone grabbed for my purse… I probably should have let them have it, but instinct kicked in and I held onto my purse, screamed help, and fought. I suddenly realized that there was more than one person. I was dragged across the street by my purse strap. I held tight, and kept kicking and screaming for help. Two of the thugs began kicking and punching me in the head. Eventually my purse strap broke and they were able to take my purse. One of the thugs held my hands behind my back. I’m not exactly sure what happened after that.

Some neighbors heard me screaming and called the police, who showed up surprisingly fast. In fact, I could still see the thugs half way down the block as the police arrived. Cheery and I jumped into the back of the cop car and went after them. It was probably the wrong thing to do – the cops should have started running after them on foot – there were too many places for the thugs to duck into.

I quickly began going into shock. For me, going into shock looked like hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably. I could not get my breathing under control, which for me, is really telling because I’ve been practicing Ujjayi breath for 10 years. After getting out of the cop car, I had to sit down on the curb, and then as I got dizzier and dizzier, I had to lay down. The paramedics came and asked if I wanted to go to the emergency room. At this point, I didn’t know what to do. The bumps on my head were growing; I was in a lot of pain and feeling dizzy. I kept saying that I didn’t know and that I was in shock. I eventually chose to go to the ER. It took me about 2 hours to calm my breathing and to stop crying.

A few years ago, after my incident with Henry, I took a 10-month self-defense class where I was taught Defendu. That’s where I learned to scream and to fight. I’m so grateful for the training. During the attack, my mind heard my instructors yelling at me to scream louder. My body moved instinctively into fighting positions.

Should I have fought back? It’s definitely arguable. Most people I have talked to say that they just hand over their possessions when confronted with thugs. I didn’t know there was more than one person when I began to fight. While it was extremely dangerous, I am glad that my fight-instinct kicked in. I’m glad that I didn’t make it easy for them.

Obviously, being attacked is extremely traumatic. I wasn’t sure what to expect in terms of emotional processing after the attack was over. A heavy depression set in the following morning and lasted for a couple of days. The depression quickly morphed into anger.

I’m used to sitting with my feelings and processing them. But I started being inundated with angry thoughts and I couldn’t stop them or even process them. I just felt bombarded and out of control. Luckily for me, work was extremely busy the following week and I was able to sufficiently distract myself and allow time to dissipate some of the anger I was feeling. Of course, it only delayed the real processing work that I am now facing.

The level of support that I have received has been heart-opening. Qtask gave me a new phone, and the CEO gave me some cash so that I didn’t have to stress. My friends called and wrote to offer their support and ask if there was anything I needed. Zoltan held me tight in my weaker moments and provided continuous love. I am tremendously grateful for the people that surround my life.

I am practicing good self-care and working on ways to find the lessons in all of this experience. Please feel free to share your experiences with trauma and things that have helped you use those experiences to further your self-growth.

“And when a human being transforms himself, when *you* transform yourself radically, you are affecting the whole consciousness of mankind. You are mankind, you are the movement of mankind. This is fact, this is actual. If you change, you affect the world. So it is your tremendous responsibility.” J. Krishnamurti, Total Freedom

Shine on!

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, Zoltan, gratitude, self care, self defense, well-being by Lighthouse
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“If we cannot accept what is, where will we find the motivation to improve? If I deny and disown what is, how will I be inspired to grow?” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

I’ve been monitoring my moods very closely since starting to take anti-anxiety medications. I fill out a mood chart daily… the result being that I’m hyper aware of my thought patterns, my emotional state, my sleep patterns, and what triggers me.

I check in with Dr. Zzzz about once every 6-8 weeks to report any side effects or progress. During my most recent visit, I report that I’m noticing that my most difficult emotional “charges” happen primarily with one aspect of my life: relationships. In other aspects of my life, the emotions that I have are manageable. I am confident in my ability to do my job, in my ability to accomplish my goals, and in my general ability to move around in the world. But when I have trouble in a relationship, my mind begins to spin and things can quickly spiral out of control. I tell Dr. Zzzz that when the emotional swirl begins to happen, I notice it, pay attention to it, sit with it, and write my experience down. I tell her that I know it stems from not feeling good enough. I then tell her, proudly, that when these moments of spiraling happen, I focus on doing activities that help me feel good or better (exercise, making and/or working on goals, de-cluttering).

Dr. Zzzz then asks me “If you were going to describe to a friend how to focus on loving themselves more, what would you say to them?” I responded that I would tell my friend to do things that increased confidence in themselves. She then asked “What about trying on the idea that you are lovable even if you don’t accomplish any goals or exercise or keep things cluttered?”

And that’s when it hit me… I’m moving in the right direction by working on “confidence boosting activities”, but I am missing the entire point of self acceptance in that I am OK… whole… and lovable all the time. I’ve been handling my emotions by conquering them… what would happen if I stopped fighting so hard and accepted their existence?

“An attitude of basic self-acceptance [...] can inspire an individual to face whatever he or she most needs to encounter within without collapsing into self-hatred, repudiating the value of his or her person, or relinquishing the will to live. It entails the declaration: I choose to value myself, to treat myself with respect, to stand up for my right to exist. This primary act of self-affirmation is the base on which self-esteem develops.”

“It is the voice of the life force. It is “selfishness,” in the noblest meaning of that word. If it goes silent, self-esteem is the first casualty.” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Dr. Zzzz recommended a book called Radical Acceptance, which I immediately ordered and am looking forward to working through. I know there are many exercises one can do to cultivate self-acceptance. One of my favorites (and most difficult for me to do) is the Mirror Exercise.

The Mirror Exercise – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Stand in front of a full-length mirror and look at your face and body. Notice your feelings as you do so. Focus on YOU. Notice if this is difficult or makes you uncomfortable. It is good to do this exercise naked.

You will probably like some parts of what you see more than others. If you are like most people, you will find some parts difficult to look at for long because they agitate or displease you. In your eyes there may be a pain you do not want to confront. Perhaps you are too fat or too thin. Perhaps there is some aspect of your body you so dislike that you can hardly bear to keep looking at it. Perhaps you see signs of age and cannot bear to stay connected with the thoughts and emotions these signs evoke. So the impulse is to escape, to flee from awareness, to reject, deny , disown aspects of your self.

Still, as an experiment, I ask you to stay focused on your image in the mirror a few moments longer, and say to yourself, “Whatever my defects or imperfections, I accept myself unreservedly and completely.” Stay focused, breathe deeply, and say this over and over again for a minute or two without rushing the process. Allow yourself to experience fully the meaning of your words”

When clients commit to do this exercise for two minutes every morning and again every night for two weeks, they soon begin to experience the relationship between self-acceptance and self-esteem: a mind that honors sight honors itself. But more than that: How can self-esteem not suffer if we are in a rejecting relationship to our own physical being? Is it realistic to imagine we can love ourselves while despising what we see in the mirror?

They make another important discovery. Not only do they enter a more harmonious relationship with themselves, not only do they begin to grow in self-efficacy and self-respect, but if aspects of the self they do not like are within their power to change, they are more motivated to make the changes once they have accepted the facts as they are now.

We are not moved to change those things whose reality we deny.

And for those things we cannot change, when we accept them we grow stronger and more centered; when we curse and protest them, we disempower ourselves.

“It is our willingness to experience rather than to disown whatever may be the facts of our being at a particular moment – to think our thoughts, own our feelings, be present to the reality of our behavior.” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

It’s exciting to work and see the progress within myself as I grow stronger, more empowered, and happier over time. I love the idea of rewriting our inner code… growing to dialogue with ourselves in an honest, caring way and approaching our days with joy and gratitude.

“We can run not only from our dark side but also from our bright side – from anything that threatens to make us stand out or stand alone, or that calls for the awakening of the hero within us, or that asks that we break through to a higher level of consciousness and reach a higher ground of integrity. The greatest crime we commit against ourselves is not that we may deny and disown our shortcomings but that we deny and disown our greatness – because it frightens us.” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, forgiveness, gratitude, insight, love, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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