Sophisticated Relationships

“No matter how accomplished, successful, or courageous we are, fear and anxiety seem to play a role at some point in all of our lives. Often, we allow our fears and anxieties to stop us – to determine how much we’ll risk, and to limit the range in which we live – assigning them an unwarranted power and magnitude in our lives.” – Landmark Forum Curriculum

Oh rejection! The fear that plagues me the most…

It certainly stems from very early childhood influences. I lived on an American Air Force Base in Germany but I went to a German school. The American kids didn’t like me because I was German, the German kids didn’t like me because I was American. When I moved to the US, the kids didn’t like me because I was “different”. It was tough to process this psychologically as a child…. the result being that the fear of rejection set in at a very early age. Now, as an adult, the fear is almost completely unfounded. There are *very* few instances in my adult life where I have been rejected; yet, the fear continues to exist.

I saw Mr. Clean regularly at a club I frequented some years ago. He was an amazing dancer and I developed a crush on him fairly quickly. It was obvious that Mr. Clean was interested in me as well, but despite all the eye contact and dancing near each other, we never talked. Canadian Dave was so sick of us admiring each other from afar that he offered me $100 to finally go and talk to him (I couldn’t refuse that!). It was an awkward, but nice conversation… and one that I should have initiated long before I did. What was I so afraid of?

In a more recent example, I was taking some out-of-town friends to a club the other night… Zoltan told me that I was welcome to come over after I got home. It was really late when I got home, and I debated whether or not to go. I came up with all sorts of excuses on why he wouldn’t want me there. In the end, I told myself that I was being silly and went over… and was very happy I did. All of my excuses/fears were completely ridiculous.

I’m tired of my actions being fear-based. I want to do what I want without being afraid of rejection. I want an open heart. I want to stand tall with who I am, knowing that I will likely make mistakes and that they will likely be correctable. What’s the worst that could have happened in each of the above scenarios? That Mr. Clean was a jerk… that Zoltan would ask me to leave? Either way, it wouldn’t have been a very big deal.

Rationally thinking, rejection is just information. It does not need to affect our sense of self, but rather, it can be used to guide us towards people and things that we truly value and that truly value us.

In this article, the author rewarded himself for getting a certain number of rejections. “From this experience I surmised that the key to overcoming one’s fear of rejection is to set it up so that getting rejected is seen as a success.”

What I’m finding is that overcoming the fear of rejection is a combination of building self-esteem and using habituation. It’s ok to feel afraid. It’s not ok to let the fear guide the decisions of what I truly want.

Coping.org has a great article on fear of rejection that I found very useful.

I certainly have a long way to go before I can change my behavior completely. But in the meantime, I will work on raising my self-esteem, being conscious of my fear-based decisions, and working on habituating myself into making decisions that reflect things that I really want in life.

“We cannot escape fear. We can only transform it into a companion that accompanies us on all our exciting adventures… Take a risk a day – one small or bold stroke that will make you feel great once you have done it.” – Susan Jeffers

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Canadian Dave, Lighthouse, Zoltan, anxiety, character, happiness, rejection, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” – Anais Nin

This entry is about a very terrible thing that happened to me. It is impossible to convey all the details of the story sufficiently in one blog post, but suffice it to say that in the end, my experience taught me some very important lessons, and everything ended up ok.

Henry and I worked together at the engineering firm. I had a huge crush on him… every girl did. He was smart and suave and very sexy. He also had a crush on me. While I lusted after Henry, I had a rule about not dating co-workers, so I just enjoyed the sexual tension for what it was. After Johnny Seitan and I broke up, I spent a lot of time (about 4 nights a week) hanging out with Henry, Canadian Dave, and The Boss. I was trying to explore new places… trying to find new scenes… so going to bars with my co-workers was a welcome distraction and a nice change of pace. Canadian Dave and I were in the process of becoming better and better friends, and I was really enjoying the camaraderie that was forming between the four of us.

One night we were all out at a bar with several other people… one by one people went home leaving Henry and I alone. It wasn’t unusual for us to be alone together. We’d done plenty of field work together, and we’d always had good conversations. That particular night we’d both had a lot to drink. My bus stop was in front of his house so we decided to walk back to his house together and I would catch the bus home from there. We were still in the middle of a particularly good conversation when we arrived at his place… so he invited me in for another drink.

I was looking at the pictures around his place while he poured the drinks in the kitchen. I saw a picture of his mom and remarked how similar she looked to a woman in the office (Mona) whom he told me about having a crush on. I was razzing him about having an Oedipus Complex and he brought out another photo album to show me more pictures. We were sitting on the couch sipping whiskey and looking at pictures… I set my drink down on the coffee table… and the last thing I remember is him pushing my shoulder back on the couch.

The next thing I remember is waking up in front of a driveway on the street. I had no idea where I was and I just sat there in a daze, throwing up, and trying to retrace my evening. I sat there for about an hour or two (I think) until I saw the sky getting light. Someone rode by me on a bicycle and stopped and sat next to me. He offered me a joint and said he was a hustler. The joint caused me to remember a friend of mine who smoked a lot of pot and I called my friend and asked if he would come and get me… I remember my friend cried when he saw me.

It all sounds like Henry put something in my drink… but I really don’t know. I didn’t get tested because I found the idea so implausible at the time. It’s possible that I’d simply had too much to drink. From what I was able to piece together from various sources, Henry and I started to have sex and I got really sick and threw up. He said I insisted on him calling me a cab and that I ran out of the apartment when the cab arrived, leaving my coat and house keys. The cab driver dropped me off at a police station because I didn’t have money with me so I apparently tried to walk home… and didn’t make it.

This is, by far, the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. The repercussions were enormous. A social rift was created at the office. Henry avoided me… other co-workers avoided me. On my friend Rapunza’s insistence, I began taking a very intense 10-month long self defense class where we learned hand to hand combat as well as how to deal with bludgeon weapons, edged weapons, and firearms. For me, it was a positive and productive way to deal with the hurt, loss, and anger I experienced. My co-workers thought that I was being extreme and the social rift in the office widened beyond repair.

I’m sure there are many things I could have done to avoid having gone through what I did. However, many good things came from the experience: I learned how to fight, my friendship with Rapunza grew as we took the self defense class together, I was much more careful on dates with men I didn’t know very well, my friendship with Canadian Dave solidified, I learned to trust my instincts more.

I highly recommend that every woman take a class in self defense. It’s important to learn some very basic techniques on how to defend yourself in an attack: how to scream, how to fight, how to deal with bludgeon weapons, edged weapons, and firearms, what to do after you’ve been attacked, and how to deal with the potential social ramifications.

“Trust in yourself. Your perceptions are often far more accurate than you are willing to believe.” – Claudia Black

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Canadian Dave, Johnny Seitan, Lighthouse, action, self defense, well-being by Lighthouse
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“What we call our destiny is truly our character, and that character can be altered. The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means that we are free to change this destiny. One is not in bondage to the past which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements.” – Anais Nin

I spent the first 6 years of my life living on an American Air Force base in Frankfurt, Germany. My parents sent me to German schools, presumably because they were better schools, and also because they wanted me to learn the language. Because I spent my days off-base, I was separated from all the other kids living on base. It was just different enough to cause a rift… American kids didn’t like me because I went to a German school. German kids didn’t like me because I was American. When I moved to the United States, I was very culturally different than the other kids and was immediately segregated out.

My obsession for music lead me down the path of discovering strange and experimental bands… eventually attracting me to goth clubs where I could go when I was 15. The goth scene in Colorado was very elitist and snooty and I wasn’t readily accepted into that culture. My friends were not as interested in dancing as I was, so I often went alone, despite the angst of spending the entire night dancing and hanging out by myself.

In college, I was one of the only girls in my major and I was still into goth. Once again, I found myself very different than the rest, although, the people in my major were much more accepting of me than anyone had been up to that point in my life.

All of these experiences lead to a rather low self esteem and a high level of social anxiety. I felt that wherever I went, I wasn’t well received.

After graduating from college and moving to San Francisco, a series of conversations led me to seek therapy for my social anxiety. After trying several therapists, I finally found someone I really loved and respected, Dr. Sein. I had just broken up with Johnny Seitan and was going out exploring new places with my best friend, Canadian Dave. I once again found myself going out dancing at goth clubs and reliving my teenage angst of not being accepted all over again.

Dr. Sein and I decided that a fun and productive way to explore my social anxiety was to go to the club every week. Basically, she was suggesting habituation. It was something where I could explore the feelings of fear and anxiety – yet it was familiar… a childhood kind of familiar. It was also something I really liked doing so the inner battle between going and not going was basically even. I didn’t realize how brilliant a plan it was until years later.

I went to the club, usually by myself, every single week. It was very difficult at first. I would be trembling as I showed my ID at the door to get in… and I would quickly run to the bar for a drink to help quell the anxiety. The deal was that I had to go, but I didn’t have to stay long. I found that once I was there, and I started dancing, I almost always stayed until the club closed.

This experiment in habituation lasted several years. And while I was never able to expel the anxiety completely, I was able to dispel it to a manageable level. The anxiety and the fear of not being accepted eventually became so familiar, that I was able to recognize the feelings and know that they weren’t real.

I like the idea of finding playful ways of staring fear in the face… playful ways of confronting issues. Going to the club every week not only helped me explore my social anxiety, but it was also fun. I love dancing, I love music, I love meeting new people and I love being able to reconstruct my self into someone more sophisticated.

“We are going to the moon. That is not very far. Man has so much farther to go within himself.” – Anais Nin

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Canadian Dave, Johnny Seitan, Lighthouse, anxiety by Lighthouse
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