Sophisticated Relationships

“When the breath wanders the mind also is unsteady. But when the breath is calmed the mind too will be still…” – Svatmarama, Hatha Yoga Pradipika

Recently, some friends asked me to teach a weekly yoga class. Of course I jumped at the opportunity. Teaching yoga is a great way to spend time with friends (it’s wondrously introspection inducing) and I knew that teaching would greatly improve my own yoga practice (which, after only 2 weeks, it has!). One of the most important aspects of yoga is pranayama: the conscious regulation of the breath.

We are in a hurry so much of the time, always trying to get to the next place or working on crossing things off of our lists. In addition, our need for physical activity is reduced because of modern technology and automation. Our breathing patterns mimic our life patterns and we can develop unhealthy breathing habits without being aware of it.

When we’re stressed, our breath tends to be fast and shallow. In response to various tensions, we hunch our bodies, slouch, or curl into balls, and over time, our breathing becomes habitually restricted. Breathing consciously can help open our chests, improving our posture and our stress levels.

“Several researchers have reported that pranayama techniques are beneficial in treating a range of stress related disorders, improving autonomic functions, relieving symptoms of asthma, and reducing signs of oxidative stress. Practitioners report that the practice of pranayama develops a steady mind, strong will-power, and sound judgement, and also claim that sustained pranayama practice extends life and enhances perception.” – Wikipedia

The ultimate aim of pranayama is to focus the mind, leading towards personal reintegration. When you practice pranayama, you are deliberately changing your normal breathing patterns. The change in breathing patterns changes your state of mind and reduces the mental disturbances. As a result, your thoughts become clearer and your understanding of yourself is enhanced. As your mind becomes more fully absorbed in the observation of the breathing process, the character of the breath tends to change involuntarily. In other words, your breath changes simply by you becoming aware of it.

Some of the benefits of pranayama include:

• Better focus and concentration
• Increased lung capacity
• Better emotional control
• Stress reduction
• Reducing insomnia

If you’ve never done any breathing exercises before, here is an easy way to start:

1. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Sitting is recommended so that you don’t fall asleep.
2. Become conscious of your breath. Don’t try and regulate it. Simply remain aware of the quality of the breath – the inhale, exhale, and the pauses between the two. Don’t try and change anything… merely focus on the present nature of your breath.
3. After several minutes, start breathing in and out through your nose. Breathe into the stomach and then out from the stomach. Try to make the exhalations longer than the inhalations.
4. Now try inhaling first into the chest and then into the lower stomach. Then exhale and fully remove the air first from your stomach and then from you chest. Remove all the air that can comfortably be expelled from the lungs before inhaling again.

A fun visual component to add to the exercise is to imagine all of your unwanted emotions being pushed through a fire in your belly. The breath helps to push the unwanted emotions through the fire and expel the residue.

“According to the yoga texts, ‘fire’ (agni) exists inside our bodies near the navel. The impurities settle below that, in the abdominal area called apana. This fire burns impurities, and our breath affects the quality of the flame. Furthermore, breath regulates the flow of impurities toward the fire for burning, and away from it in order to leave the body.” – A.G. Mohan, Yoga for Body, Breath, and Mind – A Guide to Personal Reintegration

Like anything, when we practice something consciously, the body begins to memorize the activity and we integrate it into our unconscious selves. Try sitting up straighter, or walking taller and see how that affects the state of your breath, your mind, and consequently, your life.

Have any of you experimented with breath/breathing techniques?  What have you experienced (positive or negative)?

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” – Buddhist Proverb

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, anxiety, breathing, relationship with self, rituals, self care, well-being by Lighthouse
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The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear. ~Aung San Suu Kyi

 

 Recently a friend of mine commented that I’m usually pretty positive and I’m usually talking about all the things that I’m doing that help me make progress. He then asked the very incisive question:

What are you not doing? You talk a lot about things you’re working on to progress yourself. There must be something you’re not taking action toward which bothers you. What is it? Why aren’t you doing it?

The question got me thinking. I made a list of many things that I’m not doing that bother me on some level or another. Some of the things on the list include:

• Not doing weight resistant training to help with bone density
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”
• Forgiveness
• Expressing as much love as I feel

One thing I noticed, is that nothing on my list is something that someone else thinks I “should” do, and I feel bad about not doing. For me, this is an improvement. A friend of mine has this issue– in that she feels that if a guy pays for her on a date, she “should” have sex with him! And feels bad if she doesn’t. To me, this seems like stinkin’ thinkin, and that’s another story.

The other thing I noticed, is that everything that is on my list of things I’m not doing and feel bad about has something in common. At the root of my list, lies fear.

Fear is sometimes a natural and rational thing to feel. Especially when in danger, as the rather famous book The Gift of Fear talks about, the first few pages detail that rather well, and you can read it in the “Search inside the book” section. This is not the kind of fear I’m talking about.

My fear seems self created because of how I’m thinking about the situation, not because the situation itself holds any real danger or harm. I’m afraid to do these things, and on the other hand I feel bad about not doing them– it’s a no-win situation!

My fear is taking a toll on my happiness. I let my fear prevent me from being healthier and more fulfilled. I let my fear block a deeper connection with loved ones.  

If it were not for my friend’s tough question, I might have continued on in some kind of limbo between denial and fear, that makes moving through life feel dense. And if it weren’t for my openness to growth, I may have found his question offensive.

So what is it that I’m afraid of with each action that I am not taking?

• Not doing weight resistant training: Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”: Fear of responsibility and failure
• Forgiveness: Fear of what I will tell myself if it happens again
• Expressing as much love as I feel: Fear of getting hurt

If I hadn’t been asked this question, I wouldn’t be able to see some of the ways in which I’m holding myself back, because of the things I tell myself that make me afraid. Being able to examine the fear, helps me be able to respond to it, rather than react. 

My responses:

• Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more: I don’t have to do the movements that cause pain; Make an appointment with a physical therapist
• Fear of responsibility and failure: Responsible is part of who I want to be; “Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down” (Mary Pickford) 
• Fear of being hurt: Being hurt is a part of life, and growing my confidence and ability to take care of myself regardless of what others are doing, or the events in my life, will help be fear emotional pain less and forgiviness is good for the forgiver
• Fear of intimacy: I would regret more not giving my heart and it’s potential breakage than keeping it in a box to rot on its own

These are all things that have taking me a while to think about and work out for myself.  The conclusions work for me, and may not work for others. I did not arrive at them by myself, I had help thinking and feeling myself out of my captivating fear.

This ”help” piece is important.  Sometimes it is appropriate to ask for or accept outside help, and fear gets in our way of doing this– fear that we will not see ourselves the same if we ask for help, fear that others will not see us the same way, fear about what asking for help means.  And while there is some merit to trying to do things on your own, there is also merit to knowing when to seek a source outside oneself– while being able to screen that information against your own sense of truth.   

Had I not looked at what I was not doing and why, I would not have an opportunity to take action. The most difficult? Quitting my job and looking for a more appropriate one. I’m fortunate because my circumstances are helping my hand, and if they were not, I would help myself find a way to quit.

As I was looking for some help on the topic, I came across this PDF from Bill Pullen that asks three pertinent questions:

• What are you not doing because you are afraid?
• What does inaction cost you?
• What is one step you can take to get started?

I leave you with a quote from a friend of mine in college:

Fear is a creation that is used for control, and creating from fear, from non-reality, is what causes the world we exist in to become dense. ~Paige

Cheers,

Lexi.

Tags: Lexi, action, anxiety, competence, forgiveness, insight, love, relationship with self, self care by Lexi
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“To know how one is conditioned is the first step toward freedom.” – J. Krishnamurti

I’ve had high levels of anxiety for most of my life. I remember coming home from school in tears because I’d gotten teased, and my parents saying “You are so sensitive!”. I remember having intense emotional mood swings in high school… to the point where my parents chose to put me on Prozac. I’ve always hated taking medications and I stopped taking Prozac when I went to college.

I’m a highly motivated and driven person. I’ve always been involved in a lot of projects, and in college I really overdid it. I was the state Chair of CoPIRG (Colorado Public Interest Research Group) which meant that I helped coordinate the environmental campaigns on 5 different college campuses. In addition, I had a full class load, a full time job, and music classes I had to take to keep my flute scholarship. I had really high anxiety, and at the time, I attributed it to being too busy. I went to therapists who prescribed massages and told me to lessen my responsibilities. I did eventually stop doing so much. And it did help, but only somewhat.

After graduating, and moving to San Francisco, the anxiety persisted. This time, I attributed it to low self-esteem and social anxiety. I was dating Johnny Seitan, who was 11 years older, so I was hanging out with a seemingly more sophisticated crowd. Everyone appeared to be smarter, funnier, and cooler than me. Whereas I’d been considered a “freak” in Colorado, I was milquetoast in San Francisco.

I finally sought therapy for my social anxiety with Dr. Sein. The treatment was very successful in that I was able to go to parties and clubs and enjoy myself more than I had in the past… yet the anxiety persisted.

I’ve tried a lot of things over the years… yoga, massage, meditation, quitting caffeine, various therapies, lots and lots of books, stopping birth control, and breathing exercises. And yet, the anxiety persisted.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago. A friend came over to hang out and gave me one of her Vicodin. It had been a particularly stressful week and within an hour of taking the Vicodin I was feeling amazing. I hadn’t felt that good in a really long time. Like, YEARS! I had no anxiety whatsoever… I felt calm and relaxed and content and clear and focused. The next day, I got a referral to a good psychiatrist (Dr. Zzzz). Previous psychiatrists have offered me medication, and I always refused, thinking that if I could just increase my self-esteem, or get over my social anxiety, that my discomfort would go away. But after the experience with the Vicodin, I changed my mind.

It has now been about 4 months since I’ve been on anti-anxiety medication… and I have to say, the change is significant. I feel as if a layer has been lifted away, and I can see the things lying underneath. Instead of using all my energy to deal with anxiety, I am now able to use my energy to deal with the issues at hand. The anxiety is definitely not gone, but it has lessened to an extent where it is very manageable.

Along with the medication, Dr. Zzzz recommended a book called The Highly Sensitive Person. It’s illuminating, and I wish I’d read it 15 years ago.

Having a sensitive nervous system is normal, a basically neutral trait. You probably inherited it. It occurs in about 15-20 percent of the population. It means you are aware of subtleties in your surroundings, a great advantage in many situations. It also means you are more easily overwhelmed when you have been out in a highly stimulating environment for too long, bombarded by sights and sounds until you are exhausted in a nervous-system sort of way. Thus, being sensitive has both advantages and disadvantages.

So my dilemma is that I am an extrovert, yet I can also be overwhelmed in highly stimulating environments. I LOVE going to concerts, clubs, and parties – but I’m realizing that I need to find a balance for myself after being in those environments. Understanding that I am a highly sensitive person is helpful because I am now aware of just how over-stimulated I can get, and I can plan for how to deal with that stimulation.

I’m not an advocate of taking medications. In general, I think our population is over-prescribed. But I am finding that medication can be helpful in certain scenarios. Each pill has its side effects, and it can take a long time to find a medication that works for you. I consider myself very lucky that the side-effects that I have had have been minimal, and that the results have been so successful.

Had I been more aware of my sensitivities at an earlier age, I could have developed better coping mechanisms for dealing with my anxiety. I am now looking forward to learning how to use my sensitive nature to my advantage.

“I am like a person turned inside out, flowering to the utmost through my senses, mind, emotions. I wear a big white straw hat at a rakish angle. I discover a whole forest of strange new flowers. No ideologies. The realm of pure senses.” – Anais Nin

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, anxiety, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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 ”Are you intimidated by me? Because if you’re intimidated by me, that’s something you’ll have to deal with.”

-Ving Rhames

I used to be afraid of and avoid people that I felt intimidated by. If a person was smart, pretty or both I felt intimidated. If a person was a bully, I felt intimidated. I avoided all people that made me feel intimidated. 

In my second year in college, I signed up for a study abroad program. We had a few class meetings wherein we got to meet everyone that would be traveling with us. I did not talk much to my classmates.

Between the long plane ride across the pond, and sharing four classes, I got to know a few of my classmates quite well. I became close with a few girls; two became my travel adventure partners, Kay and Michi.

One night in a pub in Mallorca, we were talking about first impressions. Michi confessed to me, that when she first saw me in class, she found me intimidating. I was dumbfounded. How could I be intimidating?

After talking to Michi, it turned out that one thing she interpreted as intimidating was a combination of my confidence in interacting with the professors and my lack of confidence in interacting with my classmates, I simply didn’t. When I wasn’t interacting with my classmates at first, she thought it was because I thought I was better than them. The reality was I didn’t know how to open a conversation. She also commented that I dressed differently from my peers, more grown up. That part was due to wearing work clothes to school, since I worked in an office part time at that time.

After my conversation with Michi, I continued to avoid people I felt were intimidating.

In my fifth year at college, I had a roommate, Ed, an expert in wine, a fabulous cook and pursuing a Ph.D. in Philosophy of Language. Not only was he all of these, I really enjoyed spending time with him.

Because of his culinary skills, and my desire to improve mine, we would throw occasional dinner parties. My friends got to know him. At one of our gatherings I invited my friend Andrew, whom I had not seen in a long time.

Andrew really liked everyone he met, except Ed, whom he thought was intimidating! Andrew explained that what made Ed seem intimidating was how he could go on endlessly about wine, that he talked about his Ivy League undergraduate school, his precise speech and his minor quibbles with language usage. He said if Ed didn’t do that stuff, he wouldn’t feel intimidated. Andrew said it was Ed’s fault. 

When did being yourself qualify as something to hide for fear that others might not like you or be intimidated by you?

My roommate’s precise speech and his minor quibbles with language usage are a result of him being passionate about it. Passionate enough to work hard and go for a Ph.D. As for Ed talking about wine and his undergrad school? Both responses to questions someone had asked—he wasn’t talking to brag.

I found Ed to be thoughtful and considerate. He made an effort to get to know people. Granted, he didn’t care to keep the company of everyone he met, only good matches.

My mother met Ed and she felt intimidated by him because he clearly could “best” her in his use and understanding of language. She concluded that he must think she was an imbecile in comparison with him.

My mother’s explanation was curious to me because Ed was not actually trying to “best” anyone, he simply is an expert in language. The way he talked, and what he talked about was a reflection of what was important to him. I’ve concluded that Ed was not trying to be intimidating, how Andrew and my mother thought about Ed was what caused them to feel intimidated.

It dawned on me; maybe many of the people I felt intimidated by was a product of me intimidating myself because of how I thought about them.

I took on a new challenge:

Get to Know People I Feel Intimidated By

I tested this new theory by making a concerted effort to get to know everyone I felt intimidated by. One story that comes to mind is a woman I’d met in grad school that I thought was a genius. I’d read one of Whitney’s essays and was stunned with how well written and researched it was, compared to everyone else’s- including mine. I was not alone in my high opinion of her. Additionally, she already had a Masters from a prestigious University.

I dreaded any interaction with her, because I couldn’t measure up. As I got to know her I realized I felt intimidated by what I thought about her and myself, not because she was trying to make me feel that way. I’d put her on a pedestal. Through getting to know her, I learned she was human just like me. We became regular lunch buddies until the end of the school, and still keep in touch.

When I was 25, I volunteered at a start-up non-profit organization and like everyone there I wore different hats. One of the hats included working on and co-hosting their first fund-raiser, where at the party I met several people, one of whom included a stunningly gorgeous woman Ella and a man I would date for a short while, Simon. They were good friends. I hadn’t thought much about Ella after the party, until the first time I went to meet Simon who was staying with friends.

His friends happened to be Kurt and his Ella. Gulp As I learned more about Ella, I found that not only was she stunningly gorgeous, she was smart, she worked at a tech company, she was a phenomenal cook, a stylish dresser, kept a magazine ready home and was somewhat aloof. Yikes. Up went the pedestal.

Ella and I had mutual friends in addition to Simon. One of them, Travis, invited me to go hiking with Ella and her husband. I accepted and on the hike spent most of my time with the woman that scared me. Travis and Kurt were a little faster than we were, so Ella and I spent most of the hike talking. It turns out, she, like me, was also human. Again, my fears were all in my head. What I perceived as aloof was shyness.

That was five years ago. Today, Ella is one of my best friends. So much for intimidating.

Once in a while I came across someone who intentionally tried to be intimidating. Jack was one such person.  Jack’s company purchased an apartment building I lived in. He tried to illegally evict my roommate and me. He said that we were just little nobodies and we shouldn’t even try to fight him, that he could outspend us in legal fees. Jack wanted to cow me into doing what he wanted so he could make more money off of the unit I lived in.  He was so mean that I was in tears after some conversations.  That settled it for me, I wasn’t going to try to get to know him, but I would stand up to his challenge.

In this case, I initially found him intimidating, because he was trying to be. However I also would not let myself cave. No matter how afraid I was of him, I would fight this, and I did. Jack could not scare me into giving him his way. The more interactions we had, the less afraid I became.  He did not get his way. 

While I don’t want to spend time with Jack or people like him, he was a gift for me. I could have given up and moved on, and no one would have faulted me for it. Instead, I dug in my heels. Because of my experience, I grew. I learned his behavior is information about who he is, not about who I have to be in relationship to him. Even if I had lost, I would have still learned this.  I still have to relearn this every now and then.

So now when I don’t spend time with someone, it is not based on whether or not I feel intimidated by them.  It is based on whether or not we are a match.

What I found was that often times when I felt intimidated by someone, it was me doing it to myself.  Rarely it was someone trying to make fearful.  Feeling intimidated was a product of how I thought about and dealt with the situation, no matter what the other person was doing. I may have missed out on some marvelous friendships in the past.

Now, on the rare occasion that I am feeling intimidated I remember three things:

1) Most people that I find intimidating are actually pretty awesome and human just like me.

2) It isn’t them that is making me feel this way, it’s me.

3) I have the ability to think and act differently in the situation.

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, anxiety, authentic, character, expectations, relationship with self by Lexi
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