“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller
I thought maybe I would take some time while I was on my way to The Club to explain the nature of my relationship with Ex. I know that there is some confusion here and I want to clear that up as best I can. I want you to understand why I made the request I did… and I want you to understand my relationship with Ex.
I’ll just start from the beginning… 1) because it’s easier to start there and I feel like the nuances are important and 2) because I like reminiscing.
Ex asked me out one night at The Club years ago… I’d never really talked to him before. I said no at first… I was dating a few people at that time, and just thought I’d be too busy. But after a while, we ended up going out for coffee. We sat outside a coffee shop and just talked and talked. We ended up going back to his house and talking some more and I stayed the night with him. We had sex that first night… at that point in my life, I didn’t take sex as seriously as I do now so it didn’t really seem like a big deal. He explained to me that he wasn’t monogamous, and at that time, it didn’t bother me at all. I’d just gotten out of a long relationship so I wasn’t really looking to settle into anything with anyone.
It was 5 weeks after that first night together before he asked me out again. I’d sent him several emails, and had gotten no response. I was so mad when he finally asked me out.
We eventually did go out again… and we continued to go out about once every 2 weeks and I saw him in the interim at The Club, of course.
The first time I broke up with him, it was because I had fallen in love with him… and I thought that because he didn’t want to see me very often, that I liked him more than he liked me. I was wrong. A few weeks later at The Club, he gave me a set of CDs that he said explained how he felt about me. I decided to give our relationship another try.
The second time I broke up with him was shortly after I met PaulCreature… it was really just a coincidence because I didn’t know PaulCreature was interested in me at the time. I just couldn’t handle the lack of communication and the infrequency of our dates. I couldn’t accept that he loved me… even though he tried to reassure me that he did (in his own way). I eventually started dating PaulCreature and told Ex that I was involved with someone else (this is before I really understood that PaulCreature was polyamorous and what that meant for our relationship). Ex was visibly hurt when I told him.
Ex and I eventually started seeing each other again while I was dating PaulCreature… In the meantime, he’d met a girl named Payne and I could tell, he really liked her. One night, Ex and I were lying in bed talking and he said “I can’t be intimate with you anymore… it hurts Payne too much”. In a way, it was beautiful – that his heart was so connected to hers, that hurting her also hurt him. I understood – but I was also crushed.
We’ve stayed friends over the years. We always make *some* time for each other when I visit. Our relationship isn’t really sexual… it’s more friendship based – though we are both attracted to each other. We are both highly sensitive Creatures – and there’s a mutual trust that we won’t hurt each other – and that’s a rare quality. All these years our hearts have remained connected. We don’t talk very often but we don’t really need to. We leave each other little crumbs…
I really cherish my time with Ex. It’s rare and very special. So please, understand that by going home with him, it’s not because I want to start a sexual relationship with him… nor am I trying to confuse anything. It’s about spending time with him while he has it, while he’s in the mood for interacting with me, and in a place that he’s comfortable. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to him – he’s my stereotypical type – but it’s not the driving force in our relationship.
You asked what my goal was in this situation with Ex. My goal is to continue being close to him. We’re the same kind of Creature… So by going home with him – it’s not an ordinary “going home with a guy” thing. It’s a place where we can have space and time to be with each other. That’s my motivation. I know it sounds intimate, and it is… but it’s really just emotionally intimate.
Z, my relationship with you is one of the most important things in my life right now. I think about you all the time. I crave you. I look forward to all our interactions. I love the way you smell (as you already know . I love your sense of humor. I love your communication style. I love your sense of fairness. I love how kind and compassionate you are. I love how idealistic you are. I love that you want to make the world a better place. I love how you love to help. Your writing makes my mouth water! I want to integrate you into everything I can. I want you to succeed at whatever you’re interested in. I want to help you with anything I can. I want to be there for you. I want to be there with you. I’m fucking crazy about you!!
I don’t want my love for you to get lost in any confusion about my motivations or my goals. I am fighting my psychology and wedging my heart wide open… standing here as tall and open as I can.
Does any of this help you understand where I’m at and why I’m doing what I’m doing? I want it all to be clear and open. I want you to know me.
That’s all for now. I’m on my way to one of my favorite coffee shops to sit and have a cappuccino and send this to you before heading to the The Club… …And now, here I am finishing up my delicious cappuccino in a warm, artsy space where John Zorn is playing on the speakers, and everyone is bundled in scarves.
Looking forward to seeing you…