Sophisticated Relationships

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller

Z,

I thought maybe I would take some time while I was on my way to The Club to explain the nature of my relationship with Ex. I know that there is some confusion here and I want to clear that up as best I can. I want you to understand why I made the request I did… and I want you to understand my relationship with Ex.

I’ll just start from the beginning… 1) because it’s easier to start there and I feel like the nuances are important and 2) because I like reminiscing.

Ex asked me out one night at The Club years ago… I’d never really talked to him before. I said no at first… I was dating a few people at that time, and just thought I’d be too busy. But after a while, we ended up going out for coffee. We sat outside a coffee shop and just talked and talked. We ended up going back to his house and talking some more and I stayed the night with him. We had sex that first night… at that point in my life, I didn’t take sex as seriously as I do now so it didn’t really seem like a big deal. He explained to me that he wasn’t monogamous, and at that time, it didn’t bother me at all. I’d just gotten out of a long relationship so I wasn’t really looking to settle into anything with anyone.

It was 5 weeks after that first night together before he asked me out again. I’d sent him several emails, and had gotten no response. I was so mad when he finally asked me out.

We eventually did go out again… and we continued to go out about once every 2 weeks and I saw him in the interim at The Club, of course.

The first time I broke up with him, it was because I had fallen in love with him… and I thought that because he didn’t want to see me very often, that I liked him more than he liked me. I was wrong. A few weeks later at The Club, he gave me a set of CDs that he said explained how he felt about me. I decided to give our relationship another try.

The second time I broke up with him was shortly after I met PaulCreature… it was really just a coincidence because I didn’t know PaulCreature was interested in me at the time. I just couldn’t handle the lack of communication and the infrequency of our dates. I couldn’t accept that he loved me… even though he tried to reassure me that he did (in his own way). I eventually started dating PaulCreature and told Ex that I was involved with someone else (this is before I really understood that PaulCreature was polyamorous and what that meant for our relationship). Ex was visibly hurt when I told him.

Ex and I eventually started seeing each other again while I was dating PaulCreature… In the meantime, he’d met a girl named Payne and I could tell, he really liked her. One night, Ex and I were lying in bed talking and he said “I can’t be intimate with you anymore… it hurts Payne too much”. In a way, it was beautiful – that his heart was so connected to hers, that hurting her also hurt him. I understood – but I was also crushed.

We’ve stayed friends over the years. We always make *some* time for each other when I visit. Our relationship isn’t really sexual… it’s more friendship based – though we are both attracted to each other. We are both highly sensitive Creatures – and there’s a mutual trust that we won’t hurt each other – and that’s a rare quality. All these years our hearts have remained connected. We don’t talk very often but we don’t really need to. We leave each other little crumbs…

I really cherish my time with Ex. It’s rare and very special. So please, understand that by going home with him, it’s not because I want to start a sexual relationship with him… nor am I trying to confuse anything. It’s about spending time with him while he has it, while he’s in the mood for interacting with me, and in a place that he’s comfortable. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to him – he’s my stereotypical type – but it’s not the driving force in our relationship.

You asked what my goal was in this situation with Ex. My goal is to continue being close to him. We’re the same kind of Creature… So by going home with him – it’s not an ordinary “going home with a guy” thing. It’s a place where we can have space and time to be with each other. That’s my motivation. I know it sounds intimate, and it is… but it’s really just emotionally intimate.

****

Z, my relationship with you is one of the most important things in my life right now. I think about you all the time. I crave you. I look forward to all our interactions. I love the way you smell (as you already know . I love your sense of humor. I love your communication style. I love your sense of fairness. I love how kind and compassionate you are. I love how idealistic you are. I love that you want to make the world a better place. I love how you love to help. Your writing makes my mouth water! I want to integrate you into everything I can. I want you to succeed at whatever you’re interested in. I want to help you with anything I can. I want to be there for you. I want to be there with you. I’m fucking crazy about you!!

I don’t want my love for you to get lost in any confusion about my motivations or my goals. I am fighting my psychology and wedging my heart wide open… standing here as tall and open as I can.

Does any of this help you understand where I’m at and why I’m doing what I’m doing? I want it all to be clear and open. I want you to know me.

That’s all for now. I’m on my way to one of my favorite coffee shops to sit and have a cappuccino and send this to you before heading to the The Club… …And now, here I am finishing up my delicious cappuccino in a warm, artsy space where John Zorn is playing on the speakers, and everyone is bundled in scarves.

Looking forward to seeing you…

<3

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, PaulCreature, friends, honesty, intimacy, love, radical honesty by Lighthouse
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“When one is in this type of flux that you are in now, there is nothing else.  No passion, no energy, nothing. When you come through the other side, you will see/ feel the difference. Living is different because there isn’t the internal struggle, there isn’t the fear in the heart. When you are congruent within, your time is not spent soothing yourself, or trying to figure things out. It is spent loving and giving.” – Emi Joy

PaulCreature and I recently broke up… and the experience of processing everything that has happened and figuring out what I want to do to move forward has left me emotionally drained. My energy levels are very low. My body feels heavy, tired, and run down. My mind is muddled and blank. I’m not quite sure what direction to go in….

I think most of us have felt emotionally drained at one time or another. Life is busy and full of challenges… sometimes it’s easy to face them, and sometimes they take their toll.

So what to do when we are emotionally drained?

PRACTICE GOOD SELF CARE
It always comes back to that doesn’t it?

EXERCISE
Yes… I know it seems impossible. It’s the last thing you want to do, but it really is the best thing you can do for yourself. Not only do the endorphin levels go up, but it leaves your body feeling really, really good. You can read about the emotional benefits of exercise here.

REST
Get plenty of sleep. Ironically, when we are emotionally drained, we sometimes have a hard time sleeping. If you can’t sleep, try an over-the-counter sleep aid. If that doesn’t work, consult your doctor. You can read about the effects of sleep deprivation here.

OBSERVE
Observe your feelings. Take note: How does your body feel? What parts of you are affected when you are emotionally drained? How are the emotions affecting your physical self?

BREATHE
Focus on taking deep breaths. Stand or sit up straight and just breathe deeply… you can do this anywhere.

TREAT YOURSELF
Take yourself out for a massage, or to a play, or just go somewhere new and walk around… Break out of your routine and do something you don’t normally do.

REACH OUT TO FRIENDS
It’s ok to ask for help or company or just to have someone listen to you. If you don’t have many close friends, consider getting involved in a book-club, a meetup, a sports group, knitting group… whatever your interests are – there is a group out there.

SPEND TIME ALONE
Yes, I know I just said to reach out to friends, but spending time alone (with the cell phone off) can also give you the down time you need.

SET SMALL GOALS
Is there a sewing project you’ve been wanting to finish? A closet you’ve been wanting to clean out? A letter you’ve been meaning to write? Make a list of things you’ve been wanting to accomplish…. and then start doing these things. You don’t have to do a lot… but it’s good to keep yourself occupied with productive things while your mind is processing.

FOCUS ON THE NEXT STEP
Don’t think too far in advance. What can do right now to make your life better? Yes, I know you don’t feel like doing anything… but do it anyways, even if it’s just cleaning the bathtub (so you can take a nice, hot bath!).

MAKE YOUR ENVIRONMENT BEAUTIFUL
Clear out the clutter, clean things up, throw things out, light candles, paint the walls, hang new art, buy plants… Surround yourself with as much beauty as you can.

TRAVEL
If you have the means, go somewhere new… Often, getting out of our environments and dropping ourselves into something completely new can be exhilarating, fun, and restful.

DON’T PLAN TOO MANY THINGS
Make sure you make enough time for yourself. Don’t make so many plans that you wear yourself out. Slow your life down. Simplify things.

“One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” – Andre’ Gide

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, PaulCreature, friends, gratitude, happiness, overwhelmed, relationship with self, well-being by Lighthouse
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“To keep the body in good health is a duty… Otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.” – Buddha

We all know that exercise is good for the body… but it is also crucial for ones emotional health.

To me, walking is the easiest and most obvious exercise one can do. We are built for it. It’s easy, requires no special equipment, and can be done almost anywhere – even in LA (as I have proven)! Just put on some comfortable shoes and head out the door. After a walk, I feel more calm, more able to focus, and less overwhelmed. I just let thoughts run on in the background and listen to what my body is telling me while I take in my surroundings and breathe deeply.

I became a walking enthusiast when I lived in San Francisco. I lived in a neighborhood called Bernal Heights, which is basically a hill with a walking path around the top. So every day, I would come home from work and walk around the hill a few times… I had really high anxiety at the time… the walking helped quell the anxiety and it also allowed me decompress from the day. I also loved taking in the beautiful views of San Francisco. I ended up moving to a neighborhood where it was impossible to park – so I sold my car and just started walking everywhere. If it was less than 3 miles, I didn’t even consider another form of transportation. I became addicted to the walking lifestyle and began to love exploring and being a part of the city’s underbelly, which one is usually blind to when driving.

“We hardly realize how weak and futile is our mental work when unaccompanied by hard physical exercise. Walking gives movement to every portion of the body, and ensures vigorous circulation of the blood; for when we walk fast, fresh air is inhaled into the lungs. Then there is the inestimable joy that natural objects give us, the joy that comes from a contemplation of the beauties of Nature.” – Ghandi’s Health Guide

One of the main reasons that I didn’t want to move to LA was because I didn’t want to own a car again… One of the many lovely things that PaulCreature did for me was to create a map and mark all the places I would ever want to go (clubs, stores, yoga studios, etc). He then drew a box and said “If we live within this area, you can walk to everything you need”. I was sold! And yes, three and a half years after moving to LA, I am still carless and walking nearly everywhere I need to go. I walk anywhere between 3-10 miles every day.

“Many people who are depressed have low levels of serotonin and exercise can help boost these levels. Brief periods of intense training or moderate aerobic workouts can raise the levels of chemicals such as endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin, and dopamine in the brain” – WeightAwareness.com – Emotional Benefits of Exercising

“Some evidence suggests that exercise postively affects the levels of certain mood-enhancing neurotransmitters in the brain. Exercise may also boost feel-good endorphins, release tension in muscles, help you sleep better and reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol. It also increases body temperature, which may have calming effects. All of these changes in your mind and body can improve such symptoms as sadness, anxiety, irritability, stress, fatigue, anger, self-doubt and hopelessness.” – CNN.com – Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms

Regular exercise has been shown to:
* Reduce anxiety
* Reduce depression
* Enhance creativity and imagination
* Help the regeneration of damaged brain circuits – HDLighthouse.org
* Prompt nerve cells to multiply, strengthen their connections, and protect them from harm. – HDLighthouse.org
* Relieve insomnia

I realize walking may not be everyone’s favorite exercise… so just choose any exercise you *do* like. There are many reasons to exercise and very few not to. Stop making excuses!

“I will tell you what I have learned myself. For me, a long five or six mile walk helps. And one must go alone and every day.” – Brenda Ueland

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, PaulCreature, action, anxiety, happiness, overwhelmed, relationship with self, well-being by Lighthouse
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“We may need a good deal of reflection and self-examination to appreciate how our deepest view of ourselves shows up in the ten thousand choices that add up to our destiny.” – The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

The feeling of not being good enough has been pervasive throughout my life. I’ve been through various phases of this throughout time, but currently I wrestle with not feeling smart enough, pretty enough, or interesting enough. Really, the question becomes “What is ENOUGH”? And when I think about it, enough means finding the sense of worthiness within myself without looking to others for approval.

One example where not feeling good enough has affected one of my most important relationships is in my relationship with PaulCreature. For a long time, I felt like I didn’t deserve him…. that he was too good for me. Because of this I was afraid to be vulnerable with him because I thought that if he found out who I truly was, he would certainly leave me.

“If I do not feel lovable, it is very difficult to believe that anyone else loves me. If I do not accept myself, how can I accept your love for me? Your warmth and devotion are confusing: it confounds my self-concept since I *know* I am not lovable. Your feeling for me cannot possibly be real, reliable, or lasting. If I do not feel lovable, your love for me becomes an effort to fill a sieve, and eventually the effort is likely to exhaust you.” – The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

This doesn’t just happen with PaulCreature of course… I’m hesitant to do many things because I’m afraid of appearing dumb or uninteresting. It often prevents me from expressing my needs and leads me to look towards others for approval.

Not feeling good enough is basically not having enough self-esteem.

Nathanial Branden, in his book, The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, defines self-esteem as “The disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness.”

I’m a highly emotional person – so often my first response to many situations is that of intense emotion, which prevents me from reacting in a logical or productive way. Zoltan once sent me a message about needing to clarify his relationship with another woman. Reading the chat logs the following day was very surprising. My reaction was completely emotional and overshadowed by fear of rejection and lack of self worth. I had misread what he had written and unnecessarily dramatized the situation. I’m learning that I need to wait for the initial emotions to course through my body before reacting. I can’t do this for everything, of course. Certain situations require an immediate response… but many do not, and knowing this about myself can help me to manage my relationships better.

For a long time, I had issues with my how my body looked. I was probably 15-25 pounds overweight for most of my life… which is not a lot, but enough to get comments from my grandmother and from various others. I grew up in Germany and it didn’t help that my name in German rhymes with fat – so it was an easy way for the kids to poke fun of me and call me fat. One thing I’ve found that’s tremendously helped my confidence is to lose weight to a point where I am happy. I’ve done that through diet and exercise.

I make a point of surrounding myself with people who inspire me. My closest friends are people who I am in awe of for one reason or another. It pushes me to constantly grow and to improve myself. I also have to be careful because it causes me to look towards others for approval. Admiration is one thing, but when my sense of self gets lost in the mix, it’s not productive.

“But if I lack respect for and enjoyment of who I am, I have very little to give – except my unfilled needs. In my emotional impoverishment, I tend to see other people essentially as sources of approval or disapproval.” – The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

I’m slowly working to improve my own self-esteem. I know myself very well now… I know my triggers and my weaknesses and I can build an infrastructure around myself that supports my goals. I am emotional, so many of my interactions are best done in writing – where I can have time to think things over and be very clear. Diet and exercise are imperative since I want to feel good about my body. Recognizing and focusing on my strengths helps me bring value to the table amongst my amazing group of friends. I know that having this infrastructure will improve my self-esteem over time.

There are many things you can do to improve self-esteem:

* Practice good self care
* Be conscious of your inner critic – write down what it says and write down the rational counter-argument.
* Be one with your word – make sure that what you say is really what you mean. Practice being honest in every situation.
* It’s ok to make mistakes. Use them as learning opportunities.
* Write down the things you would like to improve and then work towards improving them.
* Set goals. Write down things you want to accomplish and then do them. Keep track of your progress. A great way to do this is to announce your goals publicly.
* Appreciate where you are now. Knowing that you are working towards healthy self-esteem is an accomplishment in and of itself.
* Distance yourself from negative people in your life. Surround yourself with people who inspire you.
* Align your body and mind. When everything is in sync, it’s easy to make good decisions.
* Stop comparing yourself to other people.
* Acknowledge your needs. Be assertive with yourself and others.

“Enter here where one discovers that destiny can be directed, that one does not need to remain in bondage to the first wax imprint made on childhood sensibilities. One need not be branded by the first pattern. Once the deforming mirror is smashed, there is a possibility of wholeness; there is a possibility of joy” – The Diary of Anais Nin Vol. I

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, PaulCreature, Zoltan, friends, happiness, radical honesty, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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