Sophisticated Relationships

“Create a world, your world. Alone. Stand alone. Create. And then love will come to you, then it comes to you. ” – Anais Nin

People lose themselves in relationships all the time. I see it everywhere. I see it in myself.

People lose “their ability to direct themselves and so get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There’s room for only one opinion, one position. Differentiation is the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by the other person. Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection, but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people.” – Passionate Marriage

When I was dating Johnny Seitan, I had a low sense of self. If he thought something was unattractive, I probably didn’t do it. As long as he was seemingly attracted to me, I was relatively happy. My sense of self relied a lot upon what he thought. I would say that I lost myself in that relationship.

Years into the relationship with Johnny Seitan, I started to read The Diary of Anais Nin, and I became fascinated with her relationship with Henry Miller. She described the relationship as symbiotic, where they were better together than they were as separate entities. She felt that separate, they were both very powerful and creative people… but together, they were uniquely explosive.

Reading about the relationship that Anais and Henry had helped me realize that I wasn’t “differentiated” in my relationship with Johnny Seitan. I started to discover that I was holding myself back from things that I wanted to do in life. I realized that I had artificially created myself through Johnny Seitan’s eyes and that I had to discard all the acquired Lighthouse.

“Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others – especially as they become increasingly important to you…

…Differentiation involves balancing two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness. Individuality propels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identity. Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of others, to be part of the group. When these two life forces for individuality and togetherness are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, the result is a meaningful relationship that doesn’t deteriorate into emotional fusion. Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship.” – Passionate Marriage

Differentiation isn’t an easy process. I still struggle with it in my current relationships. It’s very easy for me to be swept up in making sure that someone else’s needs are being met, at the sacrifice of my own. It feels good to be needed… or does it?

So how do we become and stay differentiated? I don’t claim to have all the answers, or even the best answers. I’m still working through the process myself, and plan on writing more about it as I learn more and discover what it means for me to be differentiated. But what I’ve come up with so far includes:

* Build good self-esteem
* Spend time by yourself
* Spend time with your friends
* Set goals for yourself
* Practice good self care
* Practice self-validation and self-soothing
* Communicate your wants and desires without expectation.

“While differentiation allows us to set ourselves apart from others and determines how far apart we sit, it also opens the space for true togetherness. It’s about getting closer and more distinct – rather than more distant.” – Passionate Marriage

My romantic relationship with Johnny Seitan ended when I realized that the relationship I had created with him was not what I wanted. At the time, I didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew what I didn’t want. I broke things off and began creating and exploring my world with a new set of eyes. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I also learned about what I liked and didn’t like, what my boundaries were, what I wanted in a relationship, and who I wanted to be.

And while I still struggle with many things, the process is more of a pleasant journey of discovery rather than a desperate grasp at happiness.

“… what happens is that two people create a new alchemy. They interact upon each other and what takes place is not the leadership of one over the other, but the consequence of this interaction.” – Anais Nin

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Johnny Seitan, Lighthouse, authentic, character, communication, happiness, insight, intimacy, love, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being, win-win by Lighthouse
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“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” – Anais Nin

This entry is about a very terrible thing that happened to me. It is impossible to convey all the details of the story sufficiently in one blog post, but suffice it to say that in the end, my experience taught me some very important lessons, and everything ended up ok.

Henry and I worked together at the engineering firm. I had a huge crush on him… every girl did. He was smart and suave and very sexy. He also had a crush on me. While I lusted after Henry, I had a rule about not dating co-workers, so I just enjoyed the sexual tension for what it was. After Johnny Seitan and I broke up, I spent a lot of time (about 4 nights a week) hanging out with Henry, Canadian Dave, and The Boss. I was trying to explore new places… trying to find new scenes… so going to bars with my co-workers was a welcome distraction and a nice change of pace. Canadian Dave and I were in the process of becoming better and better friends, and I was really enjoying the camaraderie that was forming between the four of us.

One night we were all out at a bar with several other people… one by one people went home leaving Henry and I alone. It wasn’t unusual for us to be alone together. We’d done plenty of field work together, and we’d always had good conversations. That particular night we’d both had a lot to drink. My bus stop was in front of his house so we decided to walk back to his house together and I would catch the bus home from there. We were still in the middle of a particularly good conversation when we arrived at his place… so he invited me in for another drink.

I was looking at the pictures around his place while he poured the drinks in the kitchen. I saw a picture of his mom and remarked how similar she looked to a woman in the office (Mona) whom he told me about having a crush on. I was razzing him about having an Oedipus Complex and he brought out another photo album to show me more pictures. We were sitting on the couch sipping whiskey and looking at pictures… I set my drink down on the coffee table… and the last thing I remember is him pushing my shoulder back on the couch.

The next thing I remember is waking up in front of a driveway on the street. I had no idea where I was and I just sat there in a daze, throwing up, and trying to retrace my evening. I sat there for about an hour or two (I think) until I saw the sky getting light. Someone rode by me on a bicycle and stopped and sat next to me. He offered me a joint and said he was a hustler. The joint caused me to remember a friend of mine who smoked a lot of pot and I called my friend and asked if he would come and get me… I remember my friend cried when he saw me.

It all sounds like Henry put something in my drink… but I really don’t know. I didn’t get tested because I found the idea so implausible at the time. It’s possible that I’d simply had too much to drink. From what I was able to piece together from various sources, Henry and I started to have sex and I got really sick and threw up. He said I insisted on him calling me a cab and that I ran out of the apartment when the cab arrived, leaving my coat and house keys. The cab driver dropped me off at a police station because I didn’t have money with me so I apparently tried to walk home… and didn’t make it.

This is, by far, the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. The repercussions were enormous. A social rift was created at the office. Henry avoided me… other co-workers avoided me. On my friend Rapunza’s insistence, I began taking a very intense 10-month long self defense class where we learned hand to hand combat as well as how to deal with bludgeon weapons, edged weapons, and firearms. For me, it was a positive and productive way to deal with the hurt, loss, and anger I experienced. My co-workers thought that I was being extreme and the social rift in the office widened beyond repair.

I’m sure there are many things I could have done to avoid having gone through what I did. However, many good things came from the experience: I learned how to fight, my friendship with Rapunza grew as we took the self defense class together, I was much more careful on dates with men I didn’t know very well, my friendship with Canadian Dave solidified, I learned to trust my instincts more.

I highly recommend that every woman take a class in self defense. It’s important to learn some very basic techniques on how to defend yourself in an attack: how to scream, how to fight, how to deal with bludgeon weapons, edged weapons, and firearms, what to do after you’ve been attacked, and how to deal with the potential social ramifications.

“Trust in yourself. Your perceptions are often far more accurate than you are willing to believe.” – Claudia Black

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Canadian Dave, Johnny Seitan, Lighthouse, action, self defense, well-being by Lighthouse
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“Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold.” – Zelda Fitzgerald

There is a difference between love and being in love. I can love my friend, my sister, my cat, my blog… But being IN LOVE with someone has a different meaning.

Johnny Seitan and I dated for 7 years. We had a great relationship… we rarely fought, we loved the same music, we liked doing the same things, we traveled well together, our love life was good. Our relationship was ideal in many, many ways… except that Johnny wasn’t passionate about me. He loved me. He enjoyed spending time with me, but he wasn’t IN LOVE with me. It took me a long time to realize that’s what was missing from the relationship, and that it was a really important component of what I wanted.

I’ll start with some definitions (I realize that there are many, many definitions of love – but I chose descriptions that I related to).

Love – To take delight or pleasure in; to have a strong liking or desire for, or interest in; to be pleased with.

Limerence – An involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person.

So the difference between love and being in love is limerence… the intense romantic desire.

Johnny Seitan certainly liked being around me, he found me attractive, but he was lacking the intense romantic desire for me. I knew that something wasn’t right, but so many things were perfect that I couldn’t really justify leaving the relationship for a long time. Eventually I did break things off – still without knowing exactly why – which was painful for both Johnny and I. It took me a long time to figure out what had happened.

In researching this blog topic, I came across Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love and found it particularly interesting.

“In the triangular theory of love, love is characterized by three elements: intimacy, passion and commitment. Each of these elements can be present in a relationship, producing the following combinations:”

I really like how this theory describes various types of love… And it immediately brings several questions to mind. What kind of relationship are you in? What kind of relationship is acceptable for you? What do you want? What is missing? What can you improve?

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” Flavia Weedn

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Johnny Seitan, Lighthouse, happiness, love, purpose by Lighthouse
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“What we call our destiny is truly our character, and that character can be altered. The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means that we are free to change this destiny. One is not in bondage to the past which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements.” – Anais Nin

I spent the first 6 years of my life living on an American Air Force base in Frankfurt, Germany. My parents sent me to German schools, presumably because they were better schools, and also because they wanted me to learn the language. Because I spent my days off-base, I was separated from all the other kids living on base. It was just different enough to cause a rift… American kids didn’t like me because I went to a German school. German kids didn’t like me because I was American. When I moved to the United States, I was very culturally different than the other kids and was immediately segregated out.

My obsession for music lead me down the path of discovering strange and experimental bands… eventually attracting me to goth clubs where I could go when I was 15. The goth scene in Colorado was very elitist and snooty and I wasn’t readily accepted into that culture. My friends were not as interested in dancing as I was, so I often went alone, despite the angst of spending the entire night dancing and hanging out by myself.

In college, I was one of the only girls in my major and I was still into goth. Once again, I found myself very different than the rest, although, the people in my major were much more accepting of me than anyone had been up to that point in my life.

All of these experiences lead to a rather low self esteem and a high level of social anxiety. I felt that wherever I went, I wasn’t well received.

After graduating from college and moving to San Francisco, a series of conversations led me to seek therapy for my social anxiety. After trying several therapists, I finally found someone I really loved and respected, Dr. Sein. I had just broken up with Johnny Seitan and was going out exploring new places with my best friend, Canadian Dave. I once again found myself going out dancing at goth clubs and reliving my teenage angst of not being accepted all over again.

Dr. Sein and I decided that a fun and productive way to explore my social anxiety was to go to the club every week. Basically, she was suggesting habituation. It was something where I could explore the feelings of fear and anxiety – yet it was familiar… a childhood kind of familiar. It was also something I really liked doing so the inner battle between going and not going was basically even. I didn’t realize how brilliant a plan it was until years later.

I went to the club, usually by myself, every single week. It was very difficult at first. I would be trembling as I showed my ID at the door to get in… and I would quickly run to the bar for a drink to help quell the anxiety. The deal was that I had to go, but I didn’t have to stay long. I found that once I was there, and I started dancing, I almost always stayed until the club closed.

This experiment in habituation lasted several years. And while I was never able to expel the anxiety completely, I was able to dispel it to a manageable level. The anxiety and the fear of not being accepted eventually became so familiar, that I was able to recognize the feelings and know that they weren’t real.

I like the idea of finding playful ways of staring fear in the face… playful ways of confronting issues. Going to the club every week not only helped me explore my social anxiety, but it was also fun. I love dancing, I love music, I love meeting new people and I love being able to reconstruct my self into someone more sophisticated.

“We are going to the moon. That is not very far. Man has so much farther to go within himself.” – Anais Nin

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Canadian Dave, Johnny Seitan, Lighthouse, anxiety by Lighthouse
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