Sophisticated Relationships

There is a ton of research out there that suggests having an attitude of gratitude is good for you.  Some people are concerned that if you are grateful for someone or something, then that means you are indebted.  However, researchers have “argued that gratitude is conceptually distinct from indebtedness, based on its having the opposite affective tone. People experience indebtedness as a negative, unpleasant state, whereas gratitude is a pleasant state.” And I agree with them.

Thank you notes and gratitude letters acknowledge another person’s actions.  Thank you notes are short, and usually about discreet instances, such as a gift or a interview.  Gratitude letters are longer, and usually recognize multiple ways in which you are thankful for this person in your life.

A gratitude letter is an acknowledgment that someone’s role in your life is not just as a supporting actor, but as a distinct and separate person that is taking time from their lives to do something that helps you.  It is taking that person into consideration as something other than a means to your self actualization.  It is letting them know they matter, they are appreciated and that they are seen.  It may contribute to their sense of significance by letting them know how they affected you.

To get in the frame of mind to write your gratitude letter, start with the Peter Levine’s ‘felt sense of comfort’ exercise.  Then think of a person that positively impacted your life.  What might they have had to give up to help you?  What ways have their actions may have served as examples for how you want to live? Did they have to do what they did for you?  As you are thinking about what you are grateful for about this person, notice the feelings that might be coming up for you.

Now you are ready to write your letter.  If you’re having a hard time thinking of the wording, here are some sentence suggestions:

• I appreciate you because . . .

• When you did X for me, I felt (in case you need a feeling thesaurus: feelings you might have when your needs are met, another link to feeling words)

• When you did X for me, it meant that I could now do _____, and because of that my life is (positive adjectives)

• When I saw/heard that you did X, it told me that you were a (positive adjective) person. I felt ___, knowing that you were in the world.

Tags: Lexi, Personal Growth Activity, gratitude, rituals, win-win by Lexi
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“Create a world, your world. Alone. Stand alone. Create. And then love will come to you, then it comes to you. ” – Anais Nin

People lose themselves in relationships all the time. I see it everywhere. I see it in myself.

People lose “their ability to direct themselves and so get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There’s room for only one opinion, one position. Differentiation is the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by the other person. Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection, but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people.” – Passionate Marriage

 

When I was dating Johnny Seitan, I had a low sense of self. If he thought something was unattractive, I probably didn’t do it. As long as he was seemingly attracted to me, I was relatively happy. My sense of self relied a lot upon what he thought. I would say that I lost myself in that relationship.

Years into the relationship with Johnny Seitan, I started to read The Diary of Anais Nin, and I became fascinated with her relationship with Henry Miller. She described the relationship as symbiotic, where they were better together than they were as separate entities. She felt that separate, they were both very powerful and creative people… but together, they were uniquely explosive.

Reading about the relationship that Anais and Henry had helped me realize that I wasn’t “differentiated” in my relationship with Johnny Seitan. I started to discover that I was holding myself back from things that I wanted to do in life. I realized that I had artificially created myself through Johnny Seitan’s eyes and that I had to discard all the acquired Lighthouse.

“Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others – especially as they become increasingly important to you…

…Differentiation involves balancing two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness. Individuality propels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identity. Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of others, to be part of the group. When these two life forces for individuality and togetherness are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, the result is a meaningful relationship that doesn’t deteriorate into emotional fusion. Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship.” – Passionate Marriage

Differentiation isn’t an easy process. I still struggle with it in my current relationships. It’s very easy for me to be swept up in making sure that someone else’s needs are being met, at the sacrifice of my own. It feels good to be needed… or does it?

So how do we become and stay differentiated? I don’t claim to have all the answers, or even the best answers. I’m still working through the process myself, and plan on writing more about it as I learn more and discover what it means for me to be differentiated. But what I’ve come up with so far includes:

* Build good self-esteem
* Spend time by yourself
* Spend time with your friends
* Set goals for yourself
* Practice good self care
* Practice self-validation and self-soothing
* Communicate your wants and desires without expectation.

“While differentiation allows us to set ourselves apart from others and determines how far apart we sit, it also opens the space for true togetherness. It’s about getting closer and more distinct – rather than more distant.” – Passionate Marriage

My romantic relationship with Johnny Seitan ended when I realized that the relationship I had created with him was not what I wanted. At the time, I didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew what I didn’t want. I broke things off and began creating and exploring my world with a new set of eyes. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I also learned about what I liked and didn’t like, what my boundaries were, what I wanted in a relationship, and who I wanted to be.

And while I still struggle with many things, the process is more of a pleasant journey of discovery rather than a desperate grasp at happiness.

“… what happens is that two people create a new alchemy. They interact upon each other and what takes place is not the leadership of one over the other, but the consequence of this interaction.” – Anais Nin

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Johnny Seitan, Lighthouse, authentic, character, communication, happiness, insight, intimacy, love, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being, win-win by Lighthouse
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“What too many people don’t realize is that life has an “I” in it. What that means is that you are the central character in your life, [and] others play an important supportive role. Therefore you cannot go through life thinking only of yourself without having a devastating affect on others, just as you cannot go through life only doing for others without regards to yourself.” ~Sonya Friedman

What does it mean to be an independent woman in a happy and healthy relationship? That is a question that many of my friends find ourselves asking, and not really knowing where to look for answers. Feminism has so many different flavors that it is hard to know where to start, especially when some flavors are bitter. However, looking at traditional models of relationships don’t seem to allow women room to have an identity in a relationship beyond the men we are with.

I am an independent woman. I can live life without a man and remain complete. I have well defined likes and interests. I am at the beginning of a blossoming career. I have lots of friends of both sexes. I’ve found that certain things, I really like a certain way. I’m opinionated and expressive. What I want is a relationship with a man who I adore and adores me. In our relationship, we acknowledge and accept the roles that independence and interdependence play in the relationship.

To me, this means we are mutually supporting individuals that choose to be together. We are okay giving and receiving with each other in ways that may be counter to what society says our roles should be. I want me to remain me, and him to remain him, under the umbrella of our relationship.

If I chose to, there would be no need to have children or a relationship and our society won’t chastise me too much. I could also have a child on my own and support myself without a man, although I’d rather not put myself in that situation. The choices I have exist because of feminists thought their sisters, daughters, mothers and selves should be treated not as chattel, but as people.

The paradigm shift in romantic relationships seemed to change among the masses in my parent’s generation. Women had fewer examples of how to be in a healthy and happy relationship with their newfound possibility of independence. Men received mixed messages from women, further confusing things. Some people pushed too hard for what they wanted, not realizing that equality of people and celebration of differences cannot be achieved when pushing one side down or away. Chaos resulted in relationships.

Consequently, when I was a child few examples existed of functional relationships with independent women in them. Even when the socio-economic status was equal between partners, it did not necessarily make for happiness within the relationship. The old power dynamic was often in play and at times, didn’t fit. The power and respect remained with the one who earned the most money. Traditionally, that role fell with the man, the breadwinner, but if a woman filled that roll, it meant trouble internally and socially for the man. However, if the man earned the same but the man still had all the power, then that made for an unsatisfying relationship for the woman.

I started kindergarten as one of a few children who had divorced parents. I entered middle-school thinking that married, happy and stable couples were scarce, because my friends’ parents were all divorced by this time. I watched my mother subsume herself to the men she dated and I watched my father date women who were economically equal, demanding and entitled women. Demanding and entitled women mistook that for being independent and interdependent.

From television and other media outlets, I did not see the keys to sustained happiness. Drama and discord formed the basic plot and themes for popular television shows, such as soap operas. Movies failed at modeling independent women in happy relationships. There were happy beginnings, wretched endings or fable upon fable of women being rescued by men. Rarely did we find women rescuing men. For a while, movies with leading women bombed, and some television shows were pulled before the season was over, removing the media’s rare examples of strong, attractive, independent women. Despite this, modern times may be changing for better and worse.

(Émilie)

Additionally, we come from a cultural legacy where women were told repeatedly that if they were to do the work of men, they’d become like men, and then no one would want them. The counterexample of Émilie du Châtelet comes to mind. She held the intellectual respect of men, and held the interest of multiple lovers more than 200 years ago. One of her lovers was none other than Voltaire who later declared that she was “a great man whose only fault was being a woman”.

 

(Voltaire)

On occasion I hear a snide remark from power-house women about how worthless stay-at-home moms are. I’ve heard attacks on the femininity and mothering ability of women who are career-oriented. If women are too successful in a traditionally male role, men find that intimidating and reject those women. Traditionally feminine women are sometimes not respected by other women. What a bind! What happened to the freedom for women to choose their adult roles? Why don’t men deserve to have more freedom in their adult roles too?

All of that to say, in terms of independent and feminine role models, I was out of luck.

In my experience of dating, I’ve tried on many identities. I’ve worn the Über-Bitch “My Way or the Highway” pants and found that there isn’t much room for an adult in those, much less a relationship. I’ve subsumed my identity to the man du jour, and I resented not existing as myself. I’ve been the open-legged open relationship girl, and learned that I really do prefer monogamy. I’ve dated men twice my age and men up to 7 years my junior. I get why older men like much younger women—less bullshit. But the younger guys aren’t in the same life cycle stage I’m in. I want someone who knows who they are; most guys younger than I am at this age are still figuring that out.

I’ve been in relationships where we do everything together, which doesn’t leave me with enough time for myself. I’ve dated guys where we see each other once a week, which is great for retaining who I am, and not so great for building a relationship together. I’ve been the provider and the protected. When one person takes on too much of one role or the other, it takes on a parent/child dynamic. You can’t have an intimate romantic relationship unless you have two available adults.

I’ve also been with the “My way or the Highway Guy”, which has the same problem as the Über-Bitch, no room for adults or a relationship between them. The reason I found relationships like these appealing was because I didn’t know how to retain my identity while dating an emotionally available man. While I get to keep myself in relationships with “once a week” guy or “my way or the highway” guy relationship, it isn’t really a relationship unless we’re both involved.

Of the people I know that have the kind of relationship I want for myself, most of them are my peers. We have to look to each other, our partners and ourselves to figure this out. Because of inadequate role models, it has been trial and error. I’ve learned that it is my responsibility to keep the “I” in my life and to be supportive to those that are supportive of me. Relationships really are people growing machines [1].In the next post, I’ll talk about how my friends and I help make that happen, and some of our stumbles in trying to make it so. In the mean time, if you have stories to share, I’d love to hear them.

Cheers,

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, love, relationship with self, win-win by Lexi
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To be always intending to make a new and better life but never to find time to set about it is as to put off eating and drinking and sleeping from one day to the next until you’re dead.
Og Mandino

Since March I’ve been ignoring my health. I stopped exercising and I started eating past the point of full. When I stopped caring about those things, I told myself “this is just a break.” Final exams were coming, and I was devoting my life to studying, at the expense of my health.

I told myself I needed to take a break because what was going on in my life was stressful. I would start again as soon as finals were over. I deserved the time off, and I deserved to eat that extra helping of whatever happened to tantalize my taste buds. I needed the extra time from exercise to sleep or study, I must have my 6-8 hours! I needed that chocolate to reward myself after a study sessions.

Shortly after finals were over, nothing happened. The “just a break” got a little longer. I needed the extra time to sleep because I had been up late talking to my boyfriend. I couldn’t waste the food that was on my plate because I was trying to save money. I didn’t have time.

What I was telling myself, “just a break”, “I deserved . . .”, and “I needed ___ to feel better,” etc were excuses.

Exercise enhances energy and brain performance, even old-school mathematicians knew that. Eating healthfully improves the brain’s performance and increases energy, not to mention longevity. As for the extra time talking to my boyfriend? While a good relationship is good for us, the lack of sleep and exercise, are bad for me. If I hadn’t known all of this, my excuses may have been valid. I might say I was being hard on myself if I hadn’t known all of that, and more when I stopped taking care of myself anyway.

What I was craving was stress release, and I found it by going back to old habits. I took action without gaining insight into what would be a healthy way to decrease my levels of stress. For example a useful insight might be- maintaining a healthy diet and exercise routine will help reduce my stress. My routine was flexible, my goal before I quit was to exercise 3-5 times a week for thirty minutes. My healthy eating habits were also flexible: the number one priority was only eating until I was full, and the number two priority was to get enough vegetables and protein. May I always eat dark chocolate.

Another useful insight might have been that I needed some self care. Such as ten minute mediations, like the ones at My Thought Coach. Of course a little more studying and a little less social interaction would have been good self care too, rather than managing my feelings around the problem.

My break turned into a bad habit that brought with it fifteen pounds. The fifteen pounds sat, and my clothes were tight, I was sluggish and more moody.

Good Calories, Bad Calories

The next several months involved a lot of introspection. Why did I stop exercising and start eating too much again? We just went over that. Why did I stay that way? I didn’t know. School was over. My sleep schedule was back to normal. I didn’t have those excuses anymore. I kept thinking that tomorrow I would start being healthy again. Somehow I got it in my head that I also needed to start my budget again in order to stop over-eating. That I couldn’t keep track of my food until I started keeping track of my money.

Reasons why I could not start behaving in favor of my health kept rolling in. While I have some shoulder problems, that hadn’t stopped me before, and it was one of the reasons stopping me now. I couldn’t start again until I could figure out why I wasn’t doing it! Although really, I wasn’t letting myself. I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a why that felt just right.  (I was even using my feelings as an excuse!)

I have found for myself that a lot of time on “Why” is not helpful for change. Why is not useful when I want to be doing something differently and instead I contemplate the answers to why in my navel. That is what I did while the pounds and lethargy stayed. I had come up with plenty of answers to: “Why?” And I kept not changing.

Something else I learned:

Nothing Changes, if nothing changes.

I started asking “What” and “How” questions. What was I doing when I was healthier? How was I doing it? What I was doing included: writing down what I ate and keeping track of the composition of the food; exercising 30 minutes 3-5 times a week and keeping track of it; drinking more water; eating more vegetables; thinking that being healthy is possible; consciously focused on appreciating the benefits of my actions; and putting my focus in more motivational directions.

How I was doing it included: using My Food Diary to track the food, exercise and water; if I had a spare 45 minutes I would go for a walk, or to the gym and I started hiking with friends again; I planned my meals in advance; I reminded myself that being healthy is possible and visualizing how I am when I am healthier; I took a few minutes to appreciate the results of a healthier lifestyle, such as more energy, or more toned legs; I sought out motivational material and added it to my RSS feed or del.icio.us account, like this.

I thought about the “what’s” and the “how’s” and started doing them. I didn’t need to know why I had stopped. I have been getting back on track for a week now, and already I feel better. As for my relationship, adding back exercise and sleep has not hurt my relationship. In fact, it helps and gives us something to work toward together: better health. That seems like a win-win to me.

I’m not criticizing myself for the time away from a healthier lifestyle, I’m learning from it. In the first situation, I took action without taking some time to see into the situation. In the second situation I took too much time contemplating “why” that I put off action. I refocused on how and what I could do differently and what had worked in the past, I stopped making excuses, and then I did it. I’m already feeling better.  Whenever there is action without insight, or insight without action, I find I stagnate.

Lexi*B

Tags: Lexi, action, character, insight, relationship with self, well-being, win-win by Lexi
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