Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.
-Epictetus Roman (Greek-born) slave & Stoic philosopher (55 AD – 135 AD)
If you want a date, who is more than just a friend, for a Holiday party or any other time, skip this post. This post is not for you. This post is for the person who wants to ensure their datelessness, without the conflict of saying ”No”.
Here is a list of some of the ways you can avoid getting a date.
1. Stay at home, all the time.
When you leave the house, you run the risk of meeting people. People who might like you. If you carefully avoid places where other people might be, you will be sure not to meet any of them. Avoid coffee shops, bookstores, any museums, clubs, bars, the theatre, hiking trails, airports, anywhere that other people might be.
Work from home, order in.
2. Neglect the internet, in particular: social networking sites, blogs or dating sites.
Social Networking sites like MySpace, Friendster, Facebook, Multiply, Tribe, Orkut and Linked In are designed to keep in touch with your current friends, and help create a feeling of community. They make the world seem like a smaller place. Especially if you scroll through your friends of friends and talk to them. Stop that.
If they like you, they might ask to meet in “meat space.”
You have the same problem with web logs. Word press, deadjournal, typepad, or your own personal page that people can comment on, you may talk to people. In a weak moment, that online relationship may go to *gasp* the real world.
Dating sites are particularly pesky. You could Join Match.com, Chemistry, OkCupid, TypeTango, or It’s Just Coffee. If you’re currently signed up for one of these, I don’t believe that you really want to remain dateless. So stop reading!
3. Avoid eye contact If for some reason, you’ve left your house, and you’re some place other than work, then avoid eye contact. Especially avoid prolonged eye contact with strangers. Some people see it as an invitation to talk to you. Unless you’re staring them down, in which case you are being sufficiently creepy enough to make them avoid you.Ladies, if you look at a guy and look away. Then you look at him for about 5 seconds and look away again, if he’s not completely socially inept, he’ll take this as an invitation to talk to you. Don’t let that happen. Gentleman, if you catch a girl looking at you, don’t return the look, and you may want to leave the area. She may be mustering up the courage to talk to you. Alternatively, scowl at her and stare her down like you were two mangy rabid tabbies in a dark alley. You’ll raise the creep factor enough that she’ll avoid the approach.
4. No Smiling
If you are trying to avoid eye contact with strangers, also avoid smiling at them. Especially the big, slow smile. You know the one. You see a person, you make eye contact with each other. A second or two passes, and then slowly you see the corners of their mouth reach for their ears as they beam to you the most glorious smile that was certainly meant for only you. It’s the smile Leil Lowndestalks about in her book How to Talk to Anyone: 62 Little Tricks for Big Sucess in Relationships.
This is most certainly interpreted as a friendly and inviting gesture. Avoid it at all costs. It could open a really big can of dates.
5. Definitely Don’t Talk To Strangers
Your mother was right. Don’t talk to strangers. Chances are, they might talk back, they might have something interesting to say. They might never stop talking, and then where will you be? You might get a date. Totally contrary to your goal of being dateless. Especially avoid any of the advice in my friend David Wygant’s book “Always Talk to Strangers.”
6. Be Oblivious
If, for some reason you’ve run into someone that violates guildelines 1-5, pretend not to notice. Dodge that eye contact, return that smile with a blank stare. When they talk to you, turn, and walk away, or reply with something that is unrelated to whatever they just said. Negate any compliments.
Other ways to be oblivious: bump into people, repeatedly, and keep walking like you never noticed; knock someone’s drink over because you didn’t see it, and then walk away like nothing happened; use out of context conversational openers- nothing says “not all there” like a guy calling you a stalker because your shoes are similar, or you’re walking out of the women’s bathroom while he’s walking into the men’s bathroom; ignore opportunities to talk to people, such as in line, on a train, a bus, at the laundromat, in an elevator, on an escalator in a store . . . the list goes on and on and on . . .
7. Groom Poorly
My father says “There is no such thing as an ugly woman, only a poor one.” I would say this goes for men too. What he means, is that, even if a person did not win the phenotype lottery like Brangelina, Penelope Cruz, Lucy Lui or Halle Berry, they can still make themselves attractive by how they groom themselves. With money, they can groom really well, because they can have trained professionals do it for them.
My father was wrong about needing money to be well groomed. Without money, you need to be rich in imagination . . . but really, if you want to avoid getting a date, stop grooming.
Let your dandruff fall like a snowy morning in Poland. Let your breath be the bain of the existence of anyone within your orbit. Let your natural musk cling to your body, free from the fear of soap and water, while able to permeate the nostrils of those close to you. For extra measure, cover it up with a cheap yet heavy perfume. Don’t style your hair, but if you do, be sure it is a style from at least two decades ago. Let your unibrow reign supreme. And forbid yourself from trying to highlight your best features in any way. Don’t excercise.
8. Wear Nothing but Burlap Sacks
People judge us on how we look. The clothes we wear may tell a person more about ourselves than the color of our skin. One of the factors that attract people to each other is other people that look good in clothing that is appropriate to their body type. Avoid this at all costs.
No matter what your personal style, goth kid, steam punk, business tycoon, club sophisticate, trendy surfer . . . be sure your clothing is ill-fitted, stained and torn. Get some of that muffin top and buddha belly action, at least one of which is totally avoidable with a proper fit.
The following outfit only helps you avoid dates, if you’re a guy, and maybe not even then. To remain on the dateless side of the style life, just wear a burlap sack.
9. Walk, Sit or Stand like you hate yourself.
Posture is another tell that indicates to others how you may feel about yourself. Whether or not you actually feel that way, posture is something people interpret that way. Everything we do is information– it is communication to other people, whether we are conscious of it or not, and people use that information, consciously or not, to decide if they want to hang out with you. So, if you want to avoid people thinking you may be interesting or confident at all, slouch, shuffle, walk sit and stand like you are being crush by the world.
Seriously, think about the difference between George Clooney (bad) and Napoleon Dynamite (good). The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (bad) and Steve Erkle (good).
10. Always See the Negative Side of Life
There is nothing that helps a person have bad posture like a negative attitude. Think “woe is me“. Avoid figuring out how you can make your own situation better. Take everything personally. If you say hi to someone in a loud area, and they don’t say hi back, attribute it to them hating you, rather than not being able to hear you. Daily, ask yourself “Why me!”
Imagine there is a rain cloud over your head following you everywhere. If someone compliments you, despite all of your efforts to be repellant, pause for a moment, look at them and negate their compliment. Better yet, don’t even respond. That is sure to keep you dateless, and it may even keep people from inviting you to their pesky parties anyway!
11. Be Boring or Really Weird, as long as others cannot relate to you
If, for some reason, after you’ve tried everything else, someone should insist on talking with you . . . be boring or weird. Whatever it is, make sure that others cannot relate to you.
Some tips for weird: Whatever a person is talking about, change the topic abruptly, if they seem interested, change it again. Don’t listen. Be nice one minute, and rude the next. Being passive agressive works too. Stand too close in an imposing and invasive way . . . this is different than establishing rapport and moving closer. Wear too much perfume or cologne. If you’re a girl wear too much make-up. Think Mimi from the Drew Carrey show.
12. For the extra oomph trail off . . . and walk away
If after all this you’ve managed to capture someones attention, trail off mid sentence and walk away. It will really . . .