Sophisticated Relationships

“The secret of happiness is this: let your interests be as wide as possible, and let your reactions to the things and persons that interest you be as far as possible friendly rather than hostile.”
~Bertrand Russell

Dear Cute and Intelligent Females:

I’m a man who likes women. I like meeting them, talking to them, flirting with them. Like most men, however, I have trouble approaching you in public.

There are a lot of guys like me out there. Sometimes you forget that the game of love is best played cooperatively, not competitively. As a public service, I’ve put together a list of observations on things that we guys struggle with when approaching women. Being aware of these things will make our job easier and your interactions more interesting and engaging. At least when you’re talking to me.

•  We suck at reading minds (also known as body language and voice inflection). Make it painfully obvious to us what you’re thinking and feeling. Men are a face-value breed and find it very difficult to (and frankly don’t like to) read into body language and voice tonality/inflection. If we don’t seem like we’re getting it, then we’re probably not
• Rejection is the male version of spiders: small and harmless, but incredibly scary. You guys freak out at a spider, we freak out at rejection. Hopefully this explains some strange behavior you may have observed in the past.
•  Females are built to be conversational Olympians, while most men converse about as well as dogs can kayak. Help us out by offering up topics of conversation. Do most of the talking. Ask us open ended questions about our feelings and experiences. Not all men like to open up to a girl they just met or even know how to speak the language of women; when you find one that does you might want to hang onto him for a bit.
•  iPods and sunglasses are evil. You might as well be standing behind 3 tons of heavy artillery with a sign that says “I will destroy your Xbox, plasma TV, and three quarters of the world’s beer supply if you come one step closer”. Take your sunglasses off if you see a cute guy. Wrap up your earbuds if you’re in proximity to a potential mate. Eye contact and open body language are huge and can do wonders to get a guy to approach you.
•  If you’re wearing a ring, don’t hide it. Don’t be afraid to tell us you’re already in a relationship. There are tactful ways of doing this. Tell us you can’t wait to get home to your husband’s award-winning meatloaf. Mention how awesome your boyfriend’s watercolor art of Lake Tahoe is. We’ll get the hint. If we don’t, you’re well justified in throwing a dirty martini or a nearby bucket of mop water in our face.
•  Mild confrontation is healthy and necessary. Women avoid confrontation the same way men avoid rejection (hint: like the plague). That’s why you give us fake numbers and that’s why we chicken out on making a move. Be more upfront and we’ll respect you (and probably be turned on too). I’m not advocating turning into a GI Jane (although some guys are into that), but sometimes guys need their egos shaped and trimmed a bit.
•  Last but not least: SMILE. Nothing improves an interaction more than a smiling, friendly face. Think of it this way—who would you rather have approach you, the hot dude with a furrowed brow, or the average guy with a big friendly grin on his face? If you answered with Hot Furrowed Brow Guy, then please keep on not smiling so I don’t approach your cranky ass.

Like the wise old dating coach Hitch says, “No woman wakes up saying ‘God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!‘”

So if you want to be swept off your feet by a man, be more conscious of the message you convey. Most girls are not aware of the signals they are broadcasting to the world and the only way to effectively change personal behavior is to become more aware of what we do, when we do it, and why we do it. Pay attention and the rest will follow.

Improving the world one interaction at a time,
Jon Graves

Tags: Guest, action, communication by GuestWriter
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The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear. ~Aung San Suu Kyi

 

 Recently a friend of mine commented that I’m usually pretty positive and I’m usually talking about all the things that I’m doing that help me make progress. He then asked the very incisive question:

What are you not doing? You talk a lot about things you’re working on to progress yourself. There must be something you’re not taking action toward which bothers you. What is it? Why aren’t you doing it?

The question got me thinking. I made a list of many things that I’m not doing that bother me on some level or another. Some of the things on the list include:

• Not doing weight resistant training to help with bone density
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”
• Forgiveness
• Expressing as much love as I feel

One thing I noticed, is that nothing on my list is something that someone else thinks I “should” do, and I feel bad about not doing. For me, this is an improvement. A friend of mine has this issue– in that she feels that if a guy pays for her on a date, she “should” have sex with him! And feels bad if she doesn’t. To me, this seems like stinkin’ thinkin, and that’s another story.

The other thing I noticed, is that everything that is on my list of things I’m not doing and feel bad about has something in common. At the root of my list, lies fear.

Fear is sometimes a natural and rational thing to feel. Especially when in danger, as the rather famous book The Gift of Fear talks about, the first few pages detail that rather well, and you can read it in the “Search inside the book” section. This is not the kind of fear I’m talking about.

My fear seems self created because of how I’m thinking about the situation, not because the situation itself holds any real danger or harm. I’m afraid to do these things, and on the other hand I feel bad about not doing them– it’s a no-win situation!

My fear is taking a toll on my happiness. I let my fear prevent me from being healthier and more fulfilled. I let my fear block a deeper connection with loved ones.  

If it were not for my friend’s tough question, I might have continued on in some kind of limbo between denial and fear, that makes moving through life feel dense. And if it weren’t for my openness to growth, I may have found his question offensive.

So what is it that I’m afraid of with each action that I am not taking?

• Not doing weight resistant training: Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”: Fear of responsibility and failure
• Forgiveness: Fear of what I will tell myself if it happens again
• Expressing as much love as I feel: Fear of getting hurt

If I hadn’t been asked this question, I wouldn’t be able to see some of the ways in which I’m holding myself back, because of the things I tell myself that make me afraid. Being able to examine the fear, helps me be able to respond to it, rather than react. 

My responses:

• Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more: I don’t have to do the movements that cause pain; Make an appointment with a physical therapist
• Fear of responsibility and failure: Responsible is part of who I want to be; “Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down” (Mary Pickford) 
• Fear of being hurt: Being hurt is a part of life, and growing my confidence and ability to take care of myself regardless of what others are doing, or the events in my life, will help be fear emotional pain less and forgiviness is good for the forgiver
• Fear of intimacy: I would regret more not giving my heart and it’s potential breakage than keeping it in a box to rot on its own

These are all things that have taking me a while to think about and work out for myself.  The conclusions work for me, and may not work for others. I did not arrive at them by myself, I had help thinking and feeling myself out of my captivating fear.

This ”help” piece is important.  Sometimes it is appropriate to ask for or accept outside help, and fear gets in our way of doing this– fear that we will not see ourselves the same if we ask for help, fear that others will not see us the same way, fear about what asking for help means.  And while there is some merit to trying to do things on your own, there is also merit to knowing when to seek a source outside oneself– while being able to screen that information against your own sense of truth.   

Had I not looked at what I was not doing and why, I would not have an opportunity to take action. The most difficult? Quitting my job and looking for a more appropriate one. I’m fortunate because my circumstances are helping my hand, and if they were not, I would help myself find a way to quit.

As I was looking for some help on the topic, I came across this PDF from Bill Pullen that asks three pertinent questions:

• What are you not doing because you are afraid?
• What does inaction cost you?
• What is one step you can take to get started?

I leave you with a quote from a friend of mine in college:

Fear is a creation that is used for control, and creating from fear, from non-reality, is what causes the world we exist in to become dense. ~Paige

Cheers,

Lexi.

Tags: Lexi, action, anxiety, competence, forgiveness, insight, love, relationship with self, self care by Lexi
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“Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance towards the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point.” – Harold B. Melchart

Lately, I’m having trouble prioritizing all the things I have to do. I do pretty well for a while, and then I get overwhelmed with all the things on my list. One of the self-care cards that I’ve been drawing lately is “Priorities: Get your priorities straight. When you know what’s important, saying no gets much easier.”

My friends and I recently started an “accountability group”. The point of the group is to take care of all the little things that end up on our to-do lists over and over again… those things that we can never seem to get around to doing. Everyone in the group writes down 3-5 things that they would like to accomplish during the month. At the end of the month we have a group phone call to discuss what we accomplished or didn’t, and why. I did really well the first month, but the second month has been difficult… I’ve completed almost none of my goals and the month is almost over.

I’m finding that I don’t manage my time well and I’ve been thinking about all the possible causes:
* It’s hard for me to wake up early because I enjoy staying up late (and as much as I like to sleep, I’d rather do almost anything else). In addition, it’s difficult to leave a warm and delicious body in the bed while I go and start my day.
* Because I don’t wake up early, I end up working late into the evening. It’s easy to get interrupted in the evening because friends are making plans and I’m eager to interact with them.
* Many of my activities are online so even though I am switching projects, I’m online all the time. And thus the work is seemingly unvaried.
* I’m trying to do too much… and it might be possible to do everything I want, as long as I don’t take any breaks. That is not realistic.
* I need to have a clear and relatively specific goal in mind or I have trouble starting on a project.
* I can’t seem to focus. I feel like there is so much going on all the time… I can’t seem to catch up with everything I want to do.

There’s a lot of advice on how to “get things done“. There are a myriad of programs to help with task management. Ironically, I work for the best online project management tool on the market: Qtask. In looking around and studying the various ways of prioritizing time, here are some of my favorite pieces of advice:

* Take care of all the little things. Spend a day doing the little things filling up your to-do list.
* Clear the clutter. Sometimes having a clean workspace can help focus the mind.
* Prepare for tomorrow the night before. Write a to-do list, lay out the clothes you are going to wear, make a lunch, etc
* Break things down into bite sized pieces. I know that for myself “Make this website better” is not specific enough to motivate me to work on improving a website.
* Just start. Don’t worry about doing it perfectly. You can alter the course as you go. If you don’t start, you have nothing.
* Do the hardest thing first.
* Take breaks. Go for a walk. Clear your mind when it feels “jumbled”.
* Say no to things that are not a priority. One of the things I’ve done to focus on my priorities is to write my goals on a 3×5 card and then tape that card to the inside of my journal where I write my morning pages. This ensures that I see my goals every morning, keeping them in my mind throughout the course of my day.
* Don’t forget to have fun. Life is not just about crossing things off the list. Try and enjoy yourself while you are accomplishing your tasks.

So, dear readers, in the never-ending quest to get things done, how do you solve your own problems of prioritization? What has helped you to be more productive?

“Our real duty is always found running in the direction of our worthiest desires.” – Randolph S. Bourne

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, action, competence, expectations, happiness, insight, overwhelmed, purpose, well-being by Lighthouse
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“The name of the game is taking care of yourself, because you’re going to live long enough to wish you had.”

-Grace MiraBella

One of the things we write about here is self-care and how it is important for well being. Self-care is a concept that is supposed to help people take care of themselves in stressful times (and hopefully in non-stressful times) so that they may better face all that life offers or throws at them.

Every once in a while I see cases where someone is doing something in the name of self-care that is not actually helpful. The core of the mistake being that what they are doing in the name of self-care helps them feel good in the moment and specifically adds to their stress and impacts long term well being. 

I see this most often in spending money.  The example I will use is a mixture of men and women with the same problem, written as if it were one person to help obscure identity.  In my younger years I knew a divorced mother of two daughters. At some point during our acquaintanceship half of her income was lost. I watched this woman struggle and succeed at keeping her kids in private schools and living in a safe neighborhood.

I was often baffled by her complaints about lack of money, and her propensity to buy things at Anne Taylor and get her monthly facials. If money had not been an issue for her, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind that shopping or getting a regular facial was a problem. She said that these things made her feel better, that she was taking care of herself in getting these things done. However, she often didn’t have money to buy her children new clothes (they refused to wear thrift store clothing), or to pay the cable bill. 

She was evicted several times for failure to pay rent, yet would always manage to find some place else.  She was unwilling to forgo cable, and her household’s cellphone bills despite having both turned off at various points in time. On one hand she was resourceful she kept this up for over ten years, and on the other hand obsequiously irresponsible.

Falling behind on her bills, not having any savings and in the meantime maintaining her monthly facial habit.At some point, she confessed to me that she was over 25K in credit card debt, in addition to a car loan for one daughter and on the verge of declaring bankruptcy. She had asked me to be a cosigner for one of her daughters student loans. I politely declined.

Shortly after, she requested my advice on a purchase of crystal glasses that she might wish to use should potential clients find themselves at her home– which had not happened in at least ten years and although I advised against the $400.00 purchase, she went ahead and did it, because it made her feel good to have nice things.

I can’t imagine any kind of financial stress that is balanced by spending more money.  Sometimes self care involves going without, so that you can alleviate your stress long term.  This doesn’t mean go without nutritious food or shelter, but without designer clothing, facials, and even cable.

Because this person is a conglomerate of several different people, the end results seem bigger than it may be for some.  However, the root of the problem seems to be the same– short term feeling good in exchange for contributing to a stressor: robbing Peter to pay Paul, and oh, by the way, Peter wants his money back. 

When self-care involves spending money, the question one needs to ask is: what are the long term effects of this?

If you have batman money, a monthly facial or shopping spree can be good self care, because it doesn’t contribute to something that may be stressful.  And if your long term desires include buying a home or some other major purchase, putting non-essentials on hold or being creative helps reach those goals.  If these are things you cannot afford, the internet is full of alternatives.

If you are struggling to make ends meet, are actively racking up credit card debt, or are having trouble keeping a roof over your head or food in your mouth or creating an emergency fund, “going without” is a kind of self-care you might want to look into.  Going without may not feel good in the moment.  It does feel good when unexpected bills come up and you have the funds to pay for them.  Not being in debt feels good.

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, action, self care, well-being by Lexi
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