Sophisticated Relationships

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” – a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” – Anais Nin

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, cartoon, character, communication, expectations, gratitude, happiness, honesty, insight, intimacy, love, purpose, radical honesty, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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Sometimes the shortest route to self-improvement isn’t to change anything about yourself but rather just to become more informed.

~Simon Funk

Saturday I had lunch with my friend Patrick in San Louis Obispo on lovely sunny day surrounded by the rhythm of a college town. We were exchanging fun banter mixed with more serious aspirations. I mentioned Sophisticated Relationships as a place that I write and he asked what it was about.

I told him originally it was meant to have a “Sex in the City” vibe and that it has taken a turn for more personal development. Both Lighthouse and I believe that in order to be in a sophisticated relationship with an engaging, secure and wonderful person, you have to be that yourself. This is why SR has taken a deeper look at things like self acceptance, not being attached to outcome, story telling and self care. This works for us, and it may work for you, if not try something else.

Everything you do or say, or don’t do and don’t say is communication. How you move, how you dress, how you speak, how you treat yourself, how you treat others, and more, is all communication to everyone else about who you are. There are many ways to communicate and interpret this kind of information.

What you believe about yourself and the world influences how you perceive and interact with the world.

 

If you believe you live in a hostile unfriendly world, your mind is going to be more likely to pick up on the cues that match your perception, a confirmation bias. It doesn’t mean you won’t make friends, but you may make fewer.

If you believe that most people are basically friendly and honest, that too is going to influence how you perceive the world. It doesn’t mean that you won’t come across dishonest unkind people—but they will seem like an anomaly, and you may have many more friends than someone with a more negative view of the world.

Like most beliefs about the world, these examples demonstrate how your behavior might be influenced in the world. And how you behave may generate further confirmation bias. If you believe the world is unfriendly, you may behave in an unfriendly or hostile way, thus not giving anyone a reason to be friendly to you— thus confirming that your belief in an unfriendly world is true.

If you believe the world is generally a kind place, you are more likely to notice the small kindnesses in every day passing, this may influence you to be kinder and you may find that others are further kinder to you, because people like to do things for others who treat them well—thus confirming that the world really is a kind place.

Additional influences on behavior will be what you believe about yourself. If you are more self-rejecting than self accepting, your self view will influence how you behave with others. It will influence how you dress yourself, how you carry yourself, how you speak to and approach other people. Depending on your interpretations and the level of importance you place on how others react to you, it can reinforce your negative self image keeping you stuck in a negative feedback loop.

Up until 2003, I used to worry a lot about whether or not people liked me. When I was in a state where I was worried, this influenced my behavior in ways that brought out unlikable behaviors. This worry felt like someone strapped a bomb to my chest and told me to act like Jack Nicholson. Naturally my behavior changed, and it wasn’t that I wasn’t being myself—I was, but I was being myself with a bomb strapped to my chest trying to act like Jack Nicholson.

The bomb made it seem like a good reason to act like Mr. Nicholson. Take the bomb away and I’m being myself frantically acting like Jack Nicholson, that was what I conveyed to others. They didn’t see the bomb, they just saw the resulting behavior. Trying to act like Jack was not how I preferred to interact, and probably was not the best way for me to connect with others. I can only imagine what I might be conveying to others about myself.

That worry is an imaginary bomb.

Take the worry bomb away, notice it is no longer there, my internal view has changed and viola, I can stop frantically acting like Jack. The bomb represents misinformation, and without that worry bomb strapped to my chest, what I end up conveying about myself is different because my beliefs and perceptions changed. By understanding that rejection is information, and not something to worry about, I can make a more informed decision about my behavior.

Which brings me back to my original point, what is Sophisticated Relationships about? Creating authentic connections. And to do that, it helps to be in touch with your self. In addition to communication, many of our articles are devoted to the relationship with oneself, by improving that, becoming more informed, we are more equipped to interact fruitfully in the world, become and attract people who are engaging, secure and wonderful.

Have a great weekend!

Lexi

Tags: Lexi, authentic, character, communication, insight, relationship with self by Lexi
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“The shortest distance between truth and a human being is a story.”

—Anthony de Mello, from One Minute Wisdom

Jon Graves writes:

Shared experiences are the glue of relationships of all types. We feel bonded to someone when we can empathize with them, and see ourselves in their shoes. Intense situations, from ecstatic to harrowing, form bonds like nothing else.

What about those experiences others weren’t around for? The ones that happened before we met the other person, or that happened while we were out on a different adventure? How do we convey the feelings and experiences in a way that promotes empathy and brings the other person into our experience?

Storytelling.

The primary reason for telling a story is conveying information in an effective manner; the best stories evoke emotion within the listener that connects them with the storyteller. A well-told story can make us laugh, cry, feel sympathy, or even influence our purchase of the latest in automobile technology.

Part of the bond with someone comes from trusting them and opening ourselves up to being influenced. In the context of relationships this is a powerful concept; one that can build a powerful bond between two people out of nothing more than words, be they spoken, written, sung or rapped (even 50 Cent has feelings).

Building an effective story is much simpler than you might think. You don’t have to be George Carlin or Martin Scorcese to talk about your experiences in a riveting and meaningful way. Let’s explore some ideas of effective storytelling in the context of romantic relationships:

1) identify two or three key emotions within the story.

Have you ever watched a movie that wasn’t sure if it wanted to be a drama, comedy, or documentary? That’s how your partner will feel if you try to convey more than two or three key emotions within your story. Don’t feel bad about leaving out details that once seemed important; that feeling means your story is even better.

2) Take those emotions and build on them

One of the newer areas of research in biological psychology is the concept of “mirror neurons”. In laymen’s terms (I’m the king of the laymen’s club), the phenomenon was discovered during a series of neurological experiments on monkeys in the 1980’s and 1990’s. The researchers found that there were certain sets of neurons that lit up in the monkeys’ brains both when performing a certain action and observing another monkey or human perform that action.

This applies to storytelling when painting pictures with our words. Using strong, descriptive language is highly effective at evoking emotion in your partner and allowing them to see what you saw, hear what you heard, and feel exactly what you felt.

3) Make sure your story has a clear purpose and conclusion

Remembering high school English, the three basic elements of a story are the setup, the conflict, and the resolution. All three are important to the listener, but the resolution is often times glossed over or even completely forgotten by the teller.

An effective story resolution summarizes the “point” of the story for the listener and concludes any unresolved threads for them. Conclusions can be punchlines to a joke, morals of a story, or even just a summarization of the storyteller’s feelings. Some examples:

a) “after my mom found the stolen candy, I learned a very hard lesson in not taking things that didn’t belong to me.”

b) “so the mushroom said to the bartender,’hey I’m a fungi.’”

c) “that was definitely the most embarassing moment of my life.”

4) Most of what you say isn’t in the words coming out of your mouth

The majority of our communcation is through body language and tonal inflection. Use your body and voice tone to convey the emotions and feelings that comprise your story.

More importantly, make sure you aren’t contradicting your words with body language and voice inflection. If your listener should be scared at a certain point in your story, make sure you aren’t smiling and laughing. If the story is a joke and you’re scowling at your listener by the end of it, you probably won’t be getting the laughs you expected.

The next time someone tells you a gripping story, be aware of the words and body language they are using to evoke emotion and draw you into your world. Use that awareness and understanding to make your own stories more engaging, satisfying for your listeners and ultimately strengthening your bonds.

Now go build a deeper relationship with someone!

-Jon Graves

Tags: Guest, communication, insight by GuestWriter
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“Womanhood is a whole different thing from girlhood. Girlhood is a gift . . . Womanhood is a choice.” ~ Tori Amos

I’ve been a little behind in writing for my blog, and I had not focused on anything inspiring. This morning, I checked my inbox, and got my wish for inspiration. My friend Jonathan linked me to Steve Pavlina’s article, How to Be a Man, which contained within a challenge to write an article “How to Be A Woman” I had inspiration.

In writing my essay, I focused on what being a woman meant to me, and while I write to “you” it is mostly to myself.  I don’t think this list is going to be a good match for everyone, so instead I wrote a piece to the part of me that is a woman open to her more feminine side.

1. The Relationship with You comes first

Women value relationships. Historically, women are the glue of family and social networks– it was valuable for women to build them so if their partner should be unable to care for them, others in their network could pick up the slack.

Women tend to value cooperation and do well when supported by and are supporting their social and familiar networks. This involves being in tuned with the needs of others and nurturing relationships with others.

However, the relationship with you comes above all other relationships. While it is very natural for women to work on their relationships with friends, their partner, their children or parents, it is also important to keep the self in perspective, to be kind and compassionate, starting with self.

Being conscious of who you are and what you want, and being confident that you also deserve the kindness and compassion from yourself that you show others is integral to a good realtionship with yourself.  Honoring who you are, your values and feeling proud of your identity and knowing how to take care of yourself is another part of this relationship.

Taking care of yourself physically may mean taking self-defense courses, taking care of your body through good diet and exercise, not through fad or crash diets. Financial self-care means knowing how to make a budget and manage money. Taking care of yourself emotionally is how you value yourself in relationship to your actions and relationships.

Rarely, it is worth taking care of others before caring for yourself– especially if it is a part of who you are.

The other reason this is important is because if you don’t take care of your self well enough, it makes it hard to take care of other people well enough.

2. Give from a place of Self-Fullness

Being able to give to others is a wonderful feeling, and something that many women are good at and enjoy doing, especially in a relationship with a man. While many women enjoy giving and helping others, sometimes they over give to the point of harm to the self, the relationship or the other person.

The harm to self may be physical, emotional, financial, or harm to their self-respect because sacrificing self fills another need. Perhaps it is the need to be liked or loved, to feel like a good person etc, or meet a cultural value and that is giving from a place of need or emptiness in the hope that giving will “fill one up.”

The harm to the relationship may come when a woman gives too much too soon or helping when help was not asked for. When you find yourself doing a lot for a new person in your life, something that you wouldn’t do for a good friend of a few years, you may be doing too much for them.  Or hurting them or making them feel uncomfortable in the process.

Over investing your time and energy in someone you don’t know well signals that you don’t value your time, and teaches them not to value it either. It would be helpful to look at why you are doing so much for them. If help was not asked for, you run the risk of resenting the person you are helping for not being grateful, or they will resent you for smothering them.  Or they may feel uncomfortable with what you are doing for them.   Is giving about making you feel a certain way or them?

Giving to oneself comes before all others so that when one gives to others, one can do it from a place of love and fullness, and be able to let go of the outcome of that giving. The giving is not from a place of need fulfillment, because you are already fulfilled.

3. Ask for what you need or want

Other people are not mind readers and you are not a martyr.

Being able to ask for what you need or want, is a sign that you have a good relationship with yourself– you know yourself well enough to know what needs you have that are not being met and asking for it signals that you value yourself and others.

Asking for what you want does not mean you will get what you want.  The point is not the outcome.  The point is being an active participant in your own life, respecting your values and needs, the act of cherishing your heart.

Asking for what you need or want may include telling others when they are doing something that is hurtful or upsetting to you– in the form of “When you do ___, I feel ___” this again, is a signal that you cherish your heart and gives others the choice of changing their behavior, or not. If not, you may add what you will do if a behavior does not stop. Then, be sure that you do it. It doesn’t require any bitchyness at all.

Asking for what you want includes acknowledging that you are also a sexual being and asking for what you want and need sexually.  You’ve lived in your body since you were born, and have been the one person with access to your particular turn-ons, mood-makers, and physical stimuli that make you go crazy (in a good way!) Tell your partner what these are – he or she can’t be expected to guess at which particular way you like to be stimulated (mentally and physically) from all the myriad potential options

Be prepared to get what you want and don’t hold it against others for giving it to you.

4. Receive with Grace

As often as women give to each other, you would think it would be easy to receive.

For some it is easy to receive and accept the good will and love of others for them, not because they are entitled to it, but because they deserve the gifts of others affection, whether material or emotional.

For others, especially those that may not have a good relationship with self, it may be difficult to acknowledge that one does deserve kindness from others because one may not yet cherish oneself as much as another does– thus making it difficult to receive kindness without shame.

A woman who is able to receive graciously will feel honored but not indebted for kindness behind the action or gift or sentiment.

A man’s desire to do this does not mean she need to accept it– simply accept the love behind the gesture graciously and ask for what she wants or needs.

Every gift, hug, or sign of genuine affection is an honor to receive not an expectation.

5. Do not acknowledge the trivial pettiness of others

What you focus on grows. If others are being petty or if you are obsessing about a problem, you are spending your valuable time and energy on something that probably won’t matter given enough time. Shift your focus to solutions and things that bring you joy.

6. Feel your Feelings

One of the blessings is that women have more freedom in this society to feel their feelings in a social context. Feeling deeply means you are alive and human.  Knowing your feelings is one of the ways that women stay in touch with themselves. Feeling your feelings does not always mean acting on them, simply acknowledging them and not judging yourself for what you are feeling. Our feelings are our guideposts for what we want and who we are in life.

7. Enjoy other Women, Enjoy Yourself

There is something very healing about being with other women you can trust and feel at home with. Women can give to each other things that men cannot give to us.  Just like men hanging out with other men is good for them too.

When we bond with other women, we can relate to each other in another way– there is a strong sense of closeness you can have with other women without it being sexual. Women are smart, funny, charming, kind, giving, intellectual, thoughtful people. Taking a moment to enjoy women means taking a moment to enjoy yourself as a woman.

Are their hardships that men don’t face? Of course. There are also many joys women experience because of being a woman than men cannot. What those joys are is up to individual to determine.

Women have more freedom in the roles they can choose than men and still be thought of as feminine, where as many men are culturally limited in the family roles they can choose and still be considered men. For example, culturally we do no respect the male kindergarten teacher, despite ~200 years ago most teachers were male only.

8. Value other Women

Too often women look down on other women for making life choices different from theirs. Feminism was supposed to help us have more choices, so that we could get out of abusive marriages and have more ability to pursue our lives as individuals, or in mutually fulfilling relationships and have opportunities to contribute to our society and surroundings in ways that men are able to.

However, sometimes it seems like feminism has divided those who choose to or must work from those who choose to or are able to stay at home.  Some women who choose careers look down on women who choose to be stay at home moms, or vice versa. Neither choice is wrong. Each woman feels fulfilled differently and it is more useful to support each other in our individual needs than to criticize each other for honoring ourselves, even if that means leading a non-traditional life.

Additionally, value their relationships with their men.  If you meet a man who is troubled in his marriage, do not add to the trouble by becoming sexually or romantically involved with him– you deserve someone who is able to enter an honest and open relationship with you.  You show that you value other women, and yourself when stay out of it.

9. Only be romantically involved with men whom you respect

Romantic involvement is not the same as sex, but often tied to it.  Romantic involvment invovles opening your heart and connecting on a higher level than lust and infatuation.  However, often for women, “just sex” leads the heart into places where it may not have gone.  If you choose to have sex without love, be sure you can truly disconnect the two and not be attached to the outcome.

Being with a man you respect means you have confidence in his ability to make decisions for himself, even if they are not the decisions you would make. You know he is a man because he has proven to you through his actions that he is responsible for what he does.

When a man is worthy of respect, it is easy to follow his lead, not because you are abdicating yourself to him, but because it is enjoyable to be led by him.

Respecting a man means when you do for him, you do from a place of self-fullness. You respect him and want to give him the best of you that means treating yourself well so that when you are together, the time is of high quality.  This may mean making time for you to be away from him.

A man who is worthy of your respect is also a man who will care for you when you are down, who is capable of and willing to cherish your heart and self.  A man who is worthy of respect will do kind things for you because it pleases him to please you, not because he thinks it will make you love him.

You cannot respect someone you do not know. You may feel inspired to respect him, but this is different from actually knowing him, witnessing that he walks his talk, like a man.

Some men and women confuse fear and respect. Fear means you are kind to a person or do as they wish because you fear the consequences of not doing so. Some confuse a controlling man for a man worthy of respect.  If you allow yourself to be controlled by a man, it may look like a form of respect but is an abdication of your cherished heart and adult self to another, you do not have a good relationship with yourself if you do this.

10. Rejoice in the Differences Recognize the Commonalities

Everybody is different. Men and women are different. And of course we all have overlapping similarities.  The combination of similarities and differences is a factor in our attraction to each other.  Our differences are not something to be scorned or hated.  Our differences do not make us better or worse.  They make us different, and complementary.

~~~~

That was my approach to being a feminine woman.  What’s is yours?  Guys, what makes a woman feminine to you?

With love and respect,

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, Uncategorized, character, communication, competence, expectations, family, friends, insight by Lexi
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