Sophisticated Relationships

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” – a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” – Anais Nin

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, cartoon, character, communication, expectations, gratitude, happiness, honesty, insight, intimacy, love, purpose, radical honesty, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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Sometimes the shortest route to self-improvement isn’t to change anything about yourself but rather just to become more informed.

~Simon Funk

Saturday I had lunch with my friend Patrick in San Louis Obispo on lovely sunny day surrounded by the rhythm of a college town. We were exchanging fun banter mixed with more serious aspirations. I mentioned Sophisticated Relationships as a place that I write and he asked what it was about.

I told him originally it was meant to have a “Sex in the City” vibe and that it has taken a turn for more personal development. Both Lighthouse and I believe that in order to be in a sophisticated relationship with an engaging, secure and wonderful person, you have to be that yourself. This is why SR has taken a deeper look at things like self acceptance, not being attached to outcome, story telling and self care. This works for us, and it may work for you, if not try something else.

Everything you do or say, or don’t do and don’t say is communication. How you move, how you dress, how you speak, how you treat yourself, how you treat others, and more, is all communication to everyone else about who you are. There are many ways to communicate and interpret this kind of information.

What you believe about yourself and the world influences how you perceive and interact with the world.

 

If you believe you live in a hostile unfriendly world, your mind is going to be more likely to pick up on the cues that match your perception, a confirmation bias. It doesn’t mean you won’t make friends, but you may make fewer.

If you believe that most people are basically friendly and honest, that too is going to influence how you perceive the world. It doesn’t mean that you won’t come across dishonest unkind people—but they will seem like an anomaly, and you may have many more friends than someone with a more negative view of the world.

Like most beliefs about the world, these examples demonstrate how your behavior might be influenced in the world. And how you behave may generate further confirmation bias. If you believe the world is unfriendly, you may behave in an unfriendly or hostile way, thus not giving anyone a reason to be friendly to you— thus confirming that your belief in an unfriendly world is true.

If you believe the world is generally a kind place, you are more likely to notice the small kindnesses in every day passing, this may influence you to be kinder and you may find that others are further kinder to you, because people like to do things for others who treat them well—thus confirming that the world really is a kind place.

Additional influences on behavior will be what you believe about yourself. If you are more self-rejecting than self accepting, your self view will influence how you behave with others. It will influence how you dress yourself, how you carry yourself, how you speak to and approach other people. Depending on your interpretations and the level of importance you place on how others react to you, it can reinforce your negative self image keeping you stuck in a negative feedback loop.

Up until 2003, I used to worry a lot about whether or not people liked me. When I was in a state where I was worried, this influenced my behavior in ways that brought out unlikable behaviors. This worry felt like someone strapped a bomb to my chest and told me to act like Jack Nicholson. Naturally my behavior changed, and it wasn’t that I wasn’t being myself—I was, but I was being myself with a bomb strapped to my chest trying to act like Jack Nicholson.

The bomb made it seem like a good reason to act like Mr. Nicholson. Take the bomb away and I’m being myself frantically acting like Jack Nicholson, that was what I conveyed to others. They didn’t see the bomb, they just saw the resulting behavior. Trying to act like Jack was not how I preferred to interact, and probably was not the best way for me to connect with others. I can only imagine what I might be conveying to others about myself.

That worry is an imaginary bomb.

Take the worry bomb away, notice it is no longer there, my internal view has changed and viola, I can stop frantically acting like Jack. The bomb represents misinformation, and without that worry bomb strapped to my chest, what I end up conveying about myself is different because my beliefs and perceptions changed. By understanding that rejection is information, and not something to worry about, I can make a more informed decision about my behavior.

Which brings me back to my original point, what is Sophisticated Relationships about? Creating authentic connections. And to do that, it helps to be in touch with your self. In addition to communication, many of our articles are devoted to the relationship with oneself, by improving that, becoming more informed, we are more equipped to interact fruitfully in the world, become and attract people who are engaging, secure and wonderful.

Have a great weekend!

Lexi

Tags: Lexi, authentic, character, communication, insight, relationship with self by Lexi
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“When the breath wanders the mind also is unsteady. But when the breath is calmed the mind too will be still…” – Svatmarama, Hatha Yoga Pradipika

Recently, some friends asked me to teach a weekly yoga class. Of course I jumped at the opportunity. Teaching yoga is a great way to spend time with friends (it’s wondrously introspection inducing) and I knew that teaching would greatly improve my own yoga practice (which, after only 2 weeks, it has!). One of the most important aspects of yoga is pranayama: the conscious regulation of the breath.

We are in a hurry so much of the time, always trying to get to the next place or working on crossing things off of our lists. In addition, our need for physical activity is reduced because of modern technology and automation. Our breathing patterns mimic our life patterns and we can develop unhealthy breathing habits without being aware of it.

When we’re stressed, our breath tends to be fast and shallow. In response to various tensions, we hunch our bodies, slouch, or curl into balls, and over time, our breathing becomes habitually restricted. Breathing consciously can help open our chests, improving our posture and our stress levels.

“Several researchers have reported that pranayama techniques are beneficial in treating a range of stress related disorders, improving autonomic functions, relieving symptoms of asthma, and reducing signs of oxidative stress. Practitioners report that the practice of pranayama develops a steady mind, strong will-power, and sound judgement, and also claim that sustained pranayama practice extends life and enhances perception.” – Wikipedia

The ultimate aim of pranayama is to focus the mind, leading towards personal reintegration. When you practice pranayama, you are deliberately changing your normal breathing patterns. The change in breathing patterns changes your state of mind and reduces the mental disturbances. As a result, your thoughts become clearer and your understanding of yourself is enhanced. As your mind becomes more fully absorbed in the observation of the breathing process, the character of the breath tends to change involuntarily. In other words, your breath changes simply by you becoming aware of it.

Some of the benefits of pranayama include:

• Better focus and concentration
• Increased lung capacity
• Better emotional control
• Stress reduction
• Reducing insomnia

If you’ve never done any breathing exercises before, here is an easy way to start:

1. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Sitting is recommended so that you don’t fall asleep.
2. Become conscious of your breath. Don’t try and regulate it. Simply remain aware of the quality of the breath – the inhale, exhale, and the pauses between the two. Don’t try and change anything… merely focus on the present nature of your breath.
3. After several minutes, start breathing in and out through your nose. Breathe into the stomach and then out from the stomach. Try to make the exhalations longer than the inhalations.
4. Now try inhaling first into the chest and then into the lower stomach. Then exhale and fully remove the air first from your stomach and then from you chest. Remove all the air that can comfortably be expelled from the lungs before inhaling again.

A fun visual component to add to the exercise is to imagine all of your unwanted emotions being pushed through a fire in your belly. The breath helps to push the unwanted emotions through the fire and expel the residue.

“According to the yoga texts, ‘fire’ (agni) exists inside our bodies near the navel. The impurities settle below that, in the abdominal area called apana. This fire burns impurities, and our breath affects the quality of the flame. Furthermore, breath regulates the flow of impurities toward the fire for burning, and away from it in order to leave the body.” – A.G. Mohan, Yoga for Body, Breath, and Mind – A Guide to Personal Reintegration

Like anything, when we practice something consciously, the body begins to memorize the activity and we integrate it into our unconscious selves. Try sitting up straighter, or walking taller and see how that affects the state of your breath, your mind, and consequently, your life.

Have any of you experimented with breath/breathing techniques?  What have you experienced (positive or negative)?

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” – Buddhist Proverb

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, anxiety, breathing, relationship with self, rituals, self care, well-being by Lighthouse
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“Until you’ve learned to ignore your inner critic, your fears will feel like reality, not illusion. Anyone can fall into this trap,”
~Christine Comaford-Lynch

Lighthouse and I have been learning more about self acceptance lately. I certainly have room for more acceptance. Almost two years ago I was lamenting my life and I was asked two questions. The first one:

Did I believe that I had a right to exist as I am.

My answer was no.

There are many reasons why I did not have a right, nor did I deserve to exist as I was. My body wasn’t perfect. I was in a job I hated and unwilling to leave for now. I wasn’t always able to be nice or kind especially when others weren’t, I wasn’t always — you name it, if I couldn’t be as good at something as I thought I should be, it meant I was somehow unacceptable.

The second question, equally as difficult, was:

Did I believe that as I am is good enough? Absolutely not!

Where could I start? If I didn’t believe I had the right to exist as I was, I certainly wasn’t going to believe that I was good enough as I am, without changing a thing!

If had a right to exist as I was, then so did others, if I was good enough as I was, then so were others. And while I can know it is true on an intellectual level, on a feeling level I felt a mass of discomfort forming in my stomach: If everyone is theoretically acceptable what about those who hurt me or others?

If people accept themselves as they are, why would they change? What would be their motives to improve or stop hurting others? What would be my motives for becoming a ‘better’ human? Some of my fears are misconceptions about what acceptance of self actually means.

After a lot of thought, I boiled down the problem. I value self-improvement. If I’m not improving, than what good am I? Another misconception.

It seems to think in terms of whether or not people have value at all, is harmful to self acceptance.

So what had me on this frenetic never ending treadmill of self-improvement? The engine of self-rejection, also known as my Inner Critic.

The inner critic, while useful for some, and non-existent for others– was interfering with acceptance of myself. I couldn’t understand: how I would improve if I accepted myself as I am, how would I grow and change for the better?

My inner critic isn’t all bad, and it isn’t all good. It is what it is, which happens to be a part of me. Here are some examples of where my inner critic has played a role in my life:

My inner critic may drive me to eat better, exercise which has a natural benefit of feeling better and my inner critic won’t notice that I’m healthier. Instead, it will notice that I still have cellulite on my legs when I squeeze them and then tell me that I bad for having that. My inner critic may be part of what drove me to go to college which has been helpful in my life, but when I didn’t have a 4.0, my inner critic whispered that I didn’t deserve to be thought of as competent, turn up the speed on that treadmill?

My inner critic told me “why bother” because I wouldn’t do something well, and sometimes I’d try, or I distracted myself from the critic’s voice and sometimes I didn’t bother.

The biggest advantage of my inner critic: any criticism someone had of me or anything negative someone could say about me, I’ve already said to myself. It made living up to my value of honesty about my mistakes easier because often times I noticed that people did not judge me as harshly as I judge myself, if at all. I don’t need much protection from other’s judgments these days– judgments are just opinions and everybody has one.

A year ago, my inner critic would have been trying to trip me up by telling me whatever I’m writing is stupid and it would be terrible if others thought that too. Guess what, someone *will* think that, and that’s okay!

Two years ago, my inner critic would have criticized you for not criticizing me. And now, I can accept when others are please with something I do as is. My inner critic occasionally still criticizes traits in others that I don’t want in myself.

I have a lot less inner critic than I used to. I still have some transformation to go– as I, like everyone else, am a work in progress. My biggest stumbling block to accepting myself, was failing every time I tried and being unable to accept failure and consequently myself and then trying harder and failing more and feeling worse which drove my critic to . . . ad nauseum.

I’ll share a small example of one of the ways I took step toward self-acceptance.

One train that my inner critic enjoyed taking a ride on was this: a messy dwelling is a sign of laziness, incompetence, stupidity, clutter-bug habits, which in and of itself is another sign of mental deficiency in some way. If a messy dwelling is a mystical portal into the soul of the dweller, than that means I must be lazy, incompetent, stupid, disorganized and mentally deficient.

Rationally I knew this wasn’t true, but it felt true. So I decided to act opposite to my feeling, or ‘failed’ on purpose. I chose not to clean my place, and every time I heard myself saying “I should” I would answer back that I was choosing not to and it did not mean any of those things, most of which have been internalized from outside sources. And eventually, the feeling of something wrong with me subsided.

Some time later, I noticed that I was cleaning, not because I had too, but because I enjoyed the result. As the anxiety of the inner critic died down, I found more room to breath, the ability to take a break, and then listen for the joy. I suspect accepting the room as messy made room from the more positive feelings about cleaning it.

Rather than living with judgment from my inner critic, I want to be more often in a place, where I can look at things with curiosity, compassion and accountability, rather than from a place of comparison, frustration and disgust. For now, I’m am learning to give myself room to breath and accept myself as I am maybe radically..

So is my place still messy? Sometimes, and that’s okay.

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, authentic, expectations, insight, relationship with self by Lexi
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