Sophisticated Relationships

“Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance towards the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point.” – Harold B. Melchart

Lately, I’m having trouble prioritizing all the things I have to do. I do pretty well for a while, and then I get overwhelmed with all the things on my list. One of the self-care cards that I’ve been drawing lately is “Priorities: Get your priorities straight. When you know what’s important, saying no gets much easier.”

My friends and I recently started an “accountability group”. The point of the group is to take care of all the little things that end up on our to-do lists over and over again… those things that we can never seem to get around to doing. Everyone in the group writes down 3-5 things that they would like to accomplish during the month. At the end of the month we have a group phone call to discuss what we accomplished or didn’t, and why. I did really well the first month, but the second month has been difficult… I’ve completed almost none of my goals and the month is almost over.

I’m finding that I don’t manage my time well and I’ve been thinking about all the possible causes:
* It’s hard for me to wake up early because I enjoy staying up late (and as much as I like to sleep, I’d rather do almost anything else). In addition, it’s difficult to leave a warm and delicious body in the bed while I go and start my day.
* Because I don’t wake up early, I end up working late into the evening. It’s easy to get interrupted in the evening because friends are making plans and I’m eager to interact with them.
* Many of my activities are online so even though I am switching projects, I’m online all the time. And thus the work is seemingly unvaried.
* I’m trying to do too much… and it might be possible to do everything I want, as long as I don’t take any breaks. That is not realistic.
* I need to have a clear and relatively specific goal in mind or I have trouble starting on a project.
* I can’t seem to focus. I feel like there is so much going on all the time… I can’t seem to catch up with everything I want to do.

There’s a lot of advice on how to “get things done“. There are a myriad of programs to help with task management. Ironically, I work for the best online project management tool on the market: Qtask. In looking around and studying the various ways of prioritizing time, here are some of my favorite pieces of advice:

* Take care of all the little things. Spend a day doing the little things filling up your to-do list.
* Clear the clutter. Sometimes having a clean workspace can help focus the mind.
* Prepare for tomorrow the night before. Write a to-do list, lay out the clothes you are going to wear, make a lunch, etc
* Break things down into bite sized pieces. I know that for myself “Make this website better” is not specific enough to motivate me to work on improving a website.
* Just start. Don’t worry about doing it perfectly. You can alter the course as you go. If you don’t start, you have nothing.
* Do the hardest thing first.
* Take breaks. Go for a walk. Clear your mind when it feels “jumbled”.
* Say no to things that are not a priority. One of the things I’ve done to focus on my priorities is to write my goals on a 3×5 card and then tape that card to the inside of my journal where I write my morning pages. This ensures that I see my goals every morning, keeping them in my mind throughout the course of my day.
* Don’t forget to have fun. Life is not just about crossing things off the list. Try and enjoy yourself while you are accomplishing your tasks.

So, dear readers, in the never-ending quest to get things done, how do you solve your own problems of prioritization? What has helped you to be more productive?

“Our real duty is always found running in the direction of our worthiest desires.” – Randolph S. Bourne

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, action, competence, expectations, happiness, insight, overwhelmed, purpose, well-being by Lighthouse
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“When one is in this type of flux that you are in now, there is nothing else.  No passion, no energy, nothing. When you come through the other side, you will see/ feel the difference. Living is different because there isn’t the internal struggle, there isn’t the fear in the heart. When you are congruent within, your time is not spent soothing yourself, or trying to figure things out. It is spent loving and giving.” – Emi Joy

PaulCreature and I recently broke up… and the experience of processing everything that has happened and figuring out what I want to do to move forward has left me emotionally drained. My energy levels are very low. My body feels heavy, tired, and run down. My mind is muddled and blank. I’m not quite sure what direction to go in….

I think most of us have felt emotionally drained at one time or another. Life is busy and full of challenges… sometimes it’s easy to face them, and sometimes they take their toll.

So what to do when we are emotionally drained?

PRACTICE GOOD SELF CARE
It always comes back to that doesn’t it?

EXERCISE
Yes… I know it seems impossible. It’s the last thing you want to do, but it really is the best thing you can do for yourself. Not only do the endorphin levels go up, but it leaves your body feeling really, really good. You can read about the emotional benefits of exercise here.

REST
Get plenty of sleep. Ironically, when we are emotionally drained, we sometimes have a hard time sleeping. If you can’t sleep, try an over-the-counter sleep aid. If that doesn’t work, consult your doctor. You can read about the effects of sleep deprivation here.

OBSERVE
Observe your feelings. Take note: How does your body feel? What parts of you are affected when you are emotionally drained? How are the emotions affecting your physical self?

BREATHE
Focus on taking deep breaths. Stand or sit up straight and just breathe deeply… you can do this anywhere.

TREAT YOURSELF
Take yourself out for a massage, or to a play, or just go somewhere new and walk around… Break out of your routine and do something you don’t normally do.

REACH OUT TO FRIENDS
It’s ok to ask for help or company or just to have someone listen to you. If you don’t have many close friends, consider getting involved in a book-club, a meetup, a sports group, knitting group… whatever your interests are – there is a group out there.

SPEND TIME ALONE
Yes, I know I just said to reach out to friends, but spending time alone (with the cell phone off) can also give you the down time you need.

SET SMALL GOALS
Is there a sewing project you’ve been wanting to finish? A closet you’ve been wanting to clean out? A letter you’ve been meaning to write? Make a list of things you’ve been wanting to accomplish…. and then start doing these things. You don’t have to do a lot… but it’s good to keep yourself occupied with productive things while your mind is processing.

FOCUS ON THE NEXT STEP
Don’t think too far in advance. What can do right now to make your life better? Yes, I know you don’t feel like doing anything… but do it anyways, even if it’s just cleaning the bathtub (so you can take a nice, hot bath!).

MAKE YOUR ENVIRONMENT BEAUTIFUL
Clear out the clutter, clean things up, throw things out, light candles, paint the walls, hang new art, buy plants… Surround yourself with as much beauty as you can.

TRAVEL
If you have the means, go somewhere new… Often, getting out of our environments and dropping ourselves into something completely new can be exhilarating, fun, and restful.

DON’T PLAN TOO MANY THINGS
Make sure you make enough time for yourself. Don’t make so many plans that you wear yourself out. Slow your life down. Simplify things.

“One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” – Andre’ Gide

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, PaulCreature, friends, gratitude, happiness, overwhelmed, relationship with self, well-being by Lighthouse
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“To keep the body in good health is a duty… Otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.” – Buddha

We all know that exercise is good for the body… but it is also crucial for ones emotional health.

To me, walking is the easiest and most obvious exercise one can do. We are built for it. It’s easy, requires no special equipment, and can be done almost anywhere – even in LA (as I have proven)! Just put on some comfortable shoes and head out the door. After a walk, I feel more calm, more able to focus, and less overwhelmed. I just let thoughts run on in the background and listen to what my body is telling me while I take in my surroundings and breathe deeply.

I became a walking enthusiast when I lived in San Francisco. I lived in a neighborhood called Bernal Heights, which is basically a hill with a walking path around the top. So every day, I would come home from work and walk around the hill a few times… I had really high anxiety at the time… the walking helped quell the anxiety and it also allowed me decompress from the day. I also loved taking in the beautiful views of San Francisco. I ended up moving to a neighborhood where it was impossible to park – so I sold my car and just started walking everywhere. If it was less than 3 miles, I didn’t even consider another form of transportation. I became addicted to the walking lifestyle and began to love exploring and being a part of the city’s underbelly, which one is usually blind to when driving.

“We hardly realize how weak and futile is our mental work when unaccompanied by hard physical exercise. Walking gives movement to every portion of the body, and ensures vigorous circulation of the blood; for when we walk fast, fresh air is inhaled into the lungs. Then there is the inestimable joy that natural objects give us, the joy that comes from a contemplation of the beauties of Nature.” – Ghandi’s Health Guide

One of the main reasons that I didn’t want to move to LA was because I didn’t want to own a car again… One of the many lovely things that PaulCreature did for me was to create a map and mark all the places I would ever want to go (clubs, stores, yoga studios, etc). He then drew a box and said “If we live within this area, you can walk to everything you need”. I was sold! And yes, three and a half years after moving to LA, I am still carless and walking nearly everywhere I need to go. I walk anywhere between 3-10 miles every day.

“Many people who are depressed have low levels of serotonin and exercise can help boost these levels. Brief periods of intense training or moderate aerobic workouts can raise the levels of chemicals such as endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin, and dopamine in the brain” – WeightAwareness.com – Emotional Benefits of Exercising

“Some evidence suggests that exercise postively affects the levels of certain mood-enhancing neurotransmitters in the brain. Exercise may also boost feel-good endorphins, release tension in muscles, help you sleep better and reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol. It also increases body temperature, which may have calming effects. All of these changes in your mind and body can improve such symptoms as sadness, anxiety, irritability, stress, fatigue, anger, self-doubt and hopelessness.” – CNN.com – Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms

Regular exercise has been shown to:
* Reduce anxiety
* Reduce depression
* Enhance creativity and imagination
* Help the regeneration of damaged brain circuits – HDLighthouse.org
* Prompt nerve cells to multiply, strengthen their connections, and protect them from harm. – HDLighthouse.org
* Relieve insomnia

I realize walking may not be everyone’s favorite exercise… so just choose any exercise you *do* like. There are many reasons to exercise and very few not to. Stop making excuses!

“I will tell you what I have learned myself. For me, a long five or six mile walk helps. And one must go alone and every day.” – Brenda Ueland

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, PaulCreature, action, anxiety, happiness, overwhelmed, relationship with self, well-being by Lighthouse
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 ”Avoidance is a terrible coping mechanism.  It instantly defines you as a victim by suggesting that you can’t cope with whatever is going on in life, as if you are a victim of life.” -Psychology Today

For me, avoiding things stresses me out.  Doing those things I’m avoiding also stresses me out.  These are my primary sources of stress.

There are, of course, other sources of stress.  For example  social upheavals, family illness, or chronic pain.  Stress isn’t always negative, and when it is from a source we consider positive, it is called eu-stress.  New jobs, holiday trips, and weddings are examples of ’positive’ stressors. 

Chronic stress can do disastrous things to the brain and body.   In 1983, stress was cited by Time as the number one health risk in America.  At one time, stresswas defined by Hans Selye in 1936:

as ‘the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change.’ Selye had noted in numerous experiments that laboratory animals subjected to acute but different noxious physical and emotional stimuli (blaring light, deafening noise, extremes of heat or cold, perpetual frustration) all exhibited the same pathologic changes of stomach ulcerations, shrinkage of lymphoid tissue and enlargement of the adrenals. He later demonstrated that persistent stress could cause these animals to develop various diseases similar to those seen in humans, such as heart attacks, stroke, kidney disease and rheumatoid arthritis.  

More recent research has also linked stress to an increase in the level of hormones in the body that contribute to Alzheimers. 

Stress isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can be a motivating factor, up to a point, in getting things done.  Deadlines, having a competitive work-out partner, or having to pay bills can be motivating.    

Additionally people react to the same event differently.  The classic example is the roller-coaster, where some people are nervous and scared, while others are excited and happy.   Same event, different reactions. 

There are many different ways to “manage” stress, so that it has less of an impact on one’s physiological and emotional states.  

•  
  •  Yoga, or moderate exercise in general.  Extreme exercise can be stressful in and of itself. 
  • Meditation
  • Self hypnosis
  • Eat well.  When stressed, often times we are tempted to eat junk, because temporarily it does make us feel better, and chronic and prolonged use of unhealthy food to cope with stress, creates more stress, because often it is not very nutritious. 
  • Get out in nature, or watch it on a big screen.
  • Drink plenty of water.
  • Breath
  • Hug someone you are emotionally close to.
  • Work on handling stress by mastering a fear before something stressful happens, on purpose.  As one person put it: “Any time you’re afraid to do something and you do it, it makes you stronger,” he says. “Even if you fail.”
  • Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff(in honor of not sweating the small stuff, I’m going to leave the “lone dots” at the beginning of each bulleted section alone!)

Most of these are good for “symptom management”. 

I’ve found that while symptom management can be helpful for almost every stressor other than my top two, symptom management does not help me actually do what I need to do.  Thus, the stressor remains.

What my primary stressors have in common isn’t what I have to do or haven’t done that stresses me out, it is how I think about it.  Often I minimize the importance of what needs to be done, which leads to more of not doing it. 

For me, the goal is not only to manage stress, but to eliminate my primary stressors.   Managing stress is not going to help this much.  Ideally, I would also like to change the way I think about these stressors so that I stop putting myself in the avoid/stress pattern, and I’m working on that.  In the mean-time, I’m staunching the flow of stress.

One way to change how I think about my stressors is to look at these things as things I want to do, rather than have to do, as Steve Pavlina suggested in one of his many blog posts.  Because the truth is, I don’t have to do any of the things that are causing me stress.  However, I want to do them, because the consequences of not doing them, while not life threatening, do not help me reach my life goals.    

The number one solution to my primary stressors is to just do it.  To be problem focused, or solution focused as I prefer to think about it.  For me that means:

•  
  • Make a list of what I need and want to do
  • Create a plan for each item on the list
  • A realistic time frame to complete each task (this may mean complete one task per day, or complete a subset of one task per day).
  • Reward myself when I get 5-10 things accomplished (this reward cannot have a negative impact on my health, finances, or social life).  While I would like to believe that finishing the task is its own reward, I would still like to acknowledge myself with extra incentive.

When I reduce my stress by doing my to-do list, I can focus more on my relationships, being with people I love and care about and I enjoy my life more.   I also find it is easier to connect with other people because my mind is not cluttered with things on my to-do list, so I am available to give others my undivided attention. 

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, action, cartoon, competence, overwhelmed, relationship with self by Lexi
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