Sophisticated Relationships

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” – a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” – Anais Nin

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, cartoon, character, communication, expectations, gratitude, happiness, honesty, insight, intimacy, love, purpose, radical honesty, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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“We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other peoples’ models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open.” – Shakti Gawain

Ever since my last appointment with Dr. Zzzz, I’ve been thinking about the concept of self-acceptance. When I read the The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, self-acceptance was the chapter I was the least interested in, the chapter I wanted to gloss over the most… and ironically, it was the chapter I needed to pay the most attention to (it’s always like that, isn’t it?).

The philosophy group I belong to decided to read Radical Acceptance (which Dr. Zzzz had recommended). Most of us had a copy on our bookshelves already but had not read it. I reluctantly opened the pages… and then found myself totally engrossed in the book. It’s very well written… and it feels like it was written just for me. Sigh.

Tara Brach defines Radical Acceptance as the cultivation of mindfulness and compassion. “For so many of us, feelings of deficiency are right around the corner. It doesn’t take much – just hearing of someone else’s accomplishments, being criticized, getting into an argument, making a mistake at work – to make us feel that we are not okay.”

I know this is certainly true for me. I can be feeling great one minute, and then some incident will happen and all my self-doubts come crushing in.

“Convinced that we are not good enough, we can never relax. We stay on guard, monitoring ourselves for shortcomings. When we inevitably find them, we feel even more insecure and undeserving. We have to try even harder. The irony of all of this is… where do we think we are going anyway?”"…We must overcome our flaws by controlling our bodies, controlling our emotions, controlling our natural surroundings, controlling other people. And we must strive tirelessly – working, acquiring, consuming, achieving, e-mailing, over-committing and rushing – in a never-ending quest to prove ourselves once and for all.”

There are many things, Tara Brach points out, that we do to “manage the pain of inadequacy”:

* Embark on one self-improvement project after another – Rather than relaxing and enjoying who we are and what we’re doing, we are comparing ourselves with an ideal and trying to make up for the difference.
* Hold back and play it safe rather than risking failure – Playing it safe requires that we avoid risky situations – which covers pretty much all of life.
* Withdraw from our experience of the present moment – We pull away from the raw feelings of fear and shame by incessantly telling ourselves stories about what is happening in our life. [...] Living in the future creates the illusion that we are managing our life and steels us against personal failure.
* Keep busy – Staying occupied is a socially sanctioned way of remaining distant from our pain. How often do we hear that someone who has just lost a dear one is “doing a good job at keeping busy”?
* Become our own worst critics – Staying on top of what is wrong with us gives us the sense that we are controlling our impulses, disguising our weaknesses and possibly improving our character.
* Focus on other people’s faults – Every time we hide a defeat we reinforce the fear that we are insufficient. When we strive to impress or outdo others, we strengthen the underlying belief that we are not enough as we are.

Whenever we reject a part of our being, we are confirming to ourselves our fundamental unworthiness.When we learn to face and feel the fear and shame we habitually avoid, we begin to awaken from trance. We free ourselves to respond to our circumstances in ways that bring genuine peace and happiness.

So what do we do?

The first step, is to identify the beliefs that we have that make us feel unworthy (“Do I accept my body as it is? Do I judge myself for not being intelligent/interesting/funny enough? Am I ashamed of feeling jealous?” etc). Throughout the day, start to become aware (without judging) of how you relate to yourself and your behaviors. Notice what your inner critic is saying to you.

Learn to recognize the thoughts you are having. When the inner-critic starts battling with you, don’t engage. Recognize the voice simply as a passing thought. Just allow the thought and its associated feelings to move through you. Notice what your body does in reaction to your thoughts.

Then… learn to “pause”.

What if we were to intentionally stop our mental computations and our rushing around and, for a minute or two, simply pause and notice our inner experience? A pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal. In a pause, we simply discontinue whatever we are doing – thinking, talking, walking, writing, planning, worrying, eating – and become wholeheartedly present, attentive and, often, physically still. A pause is, by nature, time limited. We resume our activities but we do so with increased presence and more ability to make choices.

I’ve decided to choose several times during the day to practice pausing. Every morning, I wake up and make a cup of tea (it’s one of my favorite morning rituals) and sit down at my computer. Before engaging with my computer, I sit and observe what is happening in my body. There’s nothing for me to “do” except listen. There are several more times during the day where I make tea, and every time I sit back down to begin working, I pause and listen.

The book describes some common misunderstandings about radical acceptance:

* It is not resignation.
* It does not mean defining ourselves by our limitations. It is not an excuse for withdrawal.
* It is not self-indulgence.
* It does not make us passive.
* It doesn’t mean accepting a “self”.

So accepting everything means that we are aware of what is happening in our body and mind in any given moment, without trying to control or judge or pull away. It does not mean putting up with harmful behavior. It means feeling sorrow and pain without resisting. It means feeling desire or dislike for someone without judging ourselves for the feeling or being driven to act on it. Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is Radical Acceptance.

It’s been interesting for me to really begin to pay attention to all the things that are happening in my body throughout the day. I didn’t realize how disconnected I could be – or how quickly disconnected I could become. Scheduled pauses gives me an opportunity to check in with myself several times throughout the day – while at the same time, allowing me to practice for emotionally intense moments where a pause has the potential to make all the difference.

If any of you have any experience with these techniques, I would love to hear about them.

“I must learn to love the fool in me—the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”- Theodore Rubin

Shine on!

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, happiness, insight, love, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear. ~Aung San Suu Kyi

 

 Recently a friend of mine commented that I’m usually pretty positive and I’m usually talking about all the things that I’m doing that help me make progress. He then asked the very incisive question:

What are you not doing? You talk a lot about things you’re working on to progress yourself. There must be something you’re not taking action toward which bothers you. What is it? Why aren’t you doing it?

The question got me thinking. I made a list of many things that I’m not doing that bother me on some level or another. Some of the things on the list include:

• Not doing weight resistant training to help with bone density
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”
• Forgiveness
• Expressing as much love as I feel

One thing I noticed, is that nothing on my list is something that someone else thinks I “should” do, and I feel bad about not doing. For me, this is an improvement. A friend of mine has this issue– in that she feels that if a guy pays for her on a date, she “should” have sex with him! And feels bad if she doesn’t. To me, this seems like stinkin’ thinkin, and that’s another story.

The other thing I noticed, is that everything that is on my list of things I’m not doing and feel bad about has something in common. At the root of my list, lies fear.

Fear is sometimes a natural and rational thing to feel. Especially when in danger, as the rather famous book The Gift of Fear talks about, the first few pages detail that rather well, and you can read it in the “Search inside the book” section. This is not the kind of fear I’m talking about.

My fear seems self created because of how I’m thinking about the situation, not because the situation itself holds any real danger or harm. I’m afraid to do these things, and on the other hand I feel bad about not doing them– it’s a no-win situation!

My fear is taking a toll on my happiness. I let my fear prevent me from being healthier and more fulfilled. I let my fear block a deeper connection with loved ones.  

If it were not for my friend’s tough question, I might have continued on in some kind of limbo between denial and fear, that makes moving through life feel dense. And if it weren’t for my openness to growth, I may have found his question offensive.

So what is it that I’m afraid of with each action that I am not taking?

• Not doing weight resistant training: Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”: Fear of responsibility and failure
• Forgiveness: Fear of what I will tell myself if it happens again
• Expressing as much love as I feel: Fear of getting hurt

If I hadn’t been asked this question, I wouldn’t be able to see some of the ways in which I’m holding myself back, because of the things I tell myself that make me afraid. Being able to examine the fear, helps me be able to respond to it, rather than react. 

My responses:

• Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more: I don’t have to do the movements that cause pain; Make an appointment with a physical therapist
• Fear of responsibility and failure: Responsible is part of who I want to be; “Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down” (Mary Pickford) 
• Fear of being hurt: Being hurt is a part of life, and growing my confidence and ability to take care of myself regardless of what others are doing, or the events in my life, will help be fear emotional pain less and forgiviness is good for the forgiver
• Fear of intimacy: I would regret more not giving my heart and it’s potential breakage than keeping it in a box to rot on its own

These are all things that have taking me a while to think about and work out for myself.  The conclusions work for me, and may not work for others. I did not arrive at them by myself, I had help thinking and feeling myself out of my captivating fear.

This ”help” piece is important.  Sometimes it is appropriate to ask for or accept outside help, and fear gets in our way of doing this– fear that we will not see ourselves the same if we ask for help, fear that others will not see us the same way, fear about what asking for help means.  And while there is some merit to trying to do things on your own, there is also merit to knowing when to seek a source outside oneself– while being able to screen that information against your own sense of truth.   

Had I not looked at what I was not doing and why, I would not have an opportunity to take action. The most difficult? Quitting my job and looking for a more appropriate one. I’m fortunate because my circumstances are helping my hand, and if they were not, I would help myself find a way to quit.

As I was looking for some help on the topic, I came across this PDF from Bill Pullen that asks three pertinent questions:

• What are you not doing because you are afraid?
• What does inaction cost you?
• What is one step you can take to get started?

I leave you with a quote from a friend of mine in college:

Fear is a creation that is used for control, and creating from fear, from non-reality, is what causes the world we exist in to become dense. ~Paige

Cheers,

Lexi.

Tags: Lexi, action, anxiety, competence, forgiveness, insight, love, relationship with self, self care by Lexi
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“If we cannot accept what is, where will we find the motivation to improve? If I deny and disown what is, how will I be inspired to grow?” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

I’ve been monitoring my moods very closely since starting to take anti-anxiety medications. I fill out a mood chart daily… the result being that I’m hyper aware of my thought patterns, my emotional state, my sleep patterns, and what triggers me.

I check in with Dr. Zzzz about once every 6-8 weeks to report any side effects or progress. During my most recent visit, I report that I’m noticing that my most difficult emotional “charges” happen primarily with one aspect of my life: relationships. In other aspects of my life, the emotions that I have are manageable. I am confident in my ability to do my job, in my ability to accomplish my goals, and in my general ability to move around in the world. But when I have trouble in a relationship, my mind begins to spin and things can quickly spiral out of control. I tell Dr. Zzzz that when the emotional swirl begins to happen, I notice it, pay attention to it, sit with it, and write my experience down. I tell her that I know it stems from not feeling good enough. I then tell her, proudly, that when these moments of spiraling happen, I focus on doing activities that help me feel good or better (exercise, making and/or working on goals, de-cluttering).

Dr. Zzzz then asks me “If you were going to describe to a friend how to focus on loving themselves more, what would you say to them?” I responded that I would tell my friend to do things that increased confidence in themselves. She then asked “What about trying on the idea that you are lovable even if you don’t accomplish any goals or exercise or keep things cluttered?”

And that’s when it hit me… I’m moving in the right direction by working on “confidence boosting activities”, but I am missing the entire point of self acceptance in that I am OK… whole… and lovable all the time. I’ve been handling my emotions by conquering them… what would happen if I stopped fighting so hard and accepted their existence?

“An attitude of basic self-acceptance [...] can inspire an individual to face whatever he or she most needs to encounter within without collapsing into self-hatred, repudiating the value of his or her person, or relinquishing the will to live. It entails the declaration: I choose to value myself, to treat myself with respect, to stand up for my right to exist. This primary act of self-affirmation is the base on which self-esteem develops.”

“It is the voice of the life force. It is “selfishness,” in the noblest meaning of that word. If it goes silent, self-esteem is the first casualty.” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Dr. Zzzz recommended a book called Radical Acceptance, which I immediately ordered and am looking forward to working through. I know there are many exercises one can do to cultivate self-acceptance. One of my favorites (and most difficult for me to do) is the Mirror Exercise.

The Mirror Exercise – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Stand in front of a full-length mirror and look at your face and body. Notice your feelings as you do so. Focus on YOU. Notice if this is difficult or makes you uncomfortable. It is good to do this exercise naked.

You will probably like some parts of what you see more than others. If you are like most people, you will find some parts difficult to look at for long because they agitate or displease you. In your eyes there may be a pain you do not want to confront. Perhaps you are too fat or too thin. Perhaps there is some aspect of your body you so dislike that you can hardly bear to keep looking at it. Perhaps you see signs of age and cannot bear to stay connected with the thoughts and emotions these signs evoke. So the impulse is to escape, to flee from awareness, to reject, deny , disown aspects of your self.

Still, as an experiment, I ask you to stay focused on your image in the mirror a few moments longer, and say to yourself, “Whatever my defects or imperfections, I accept myself unreservedly and completely.” Stay focused, breathe deeply, and say this over and over again for a minute or two without rushing the process. Allow yourself to experience fully the meaning of your words”

When clients commit to do this exercise for two minutes every morning and again every night for two weeks, they soon begin to experience the relationship between self-acceptance and self-esteem: a mind that honors sight honors itself. But more than that: How can self-esteem not suffer if we are in a rejecting relationship to our own physical being? Is it realistic to imagine we can love ourselves while despising what we see in the mirror?

They make another important discovery. Not only do they enter a more harmonious relationship with themselves, not only do they begin to grow in self-efficacy and self-respect, but if aspects of the self they do not like are within their power to change, they are more motivated to make the changes once they have accepted the facts as they are now.

We are not moved to change those things whose reality we deny.

And for those things we cannot change, when we accept them we grow stronger and more centered; when we curse and protest them, we disempower ourselves.

“It is our willingness to experience rather than to disown whatever may be the facts of our being at a particular moment – to think our thoughts, own our feelings, be present to the reality of our behavior.” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

It’s exciting to work and see the progress within myself as I grow stronger, more empowered, and happier over time. I love the idea of rewriting our inner code… growing to dialogue with ourselves in an honest, caring way and approaching our days with joy and gratitude.

“We can run not only from our dark side but also from our bright side – from anything that threatens to make us stand out or stand alone, or that calls for the awakening of the hero within us, or that asks that we break through to a higher level of consciousness and reach a higher ground of integrity. The greatest crime we commit against ourselves is not that we may deny and disown our shortcomings but that we deny and disown our greatness – because it frightens us.” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, forgiveness, gratitude, insight, love, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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