Entries Tagged as 'sex'

Sex and STI Risk Assessment and Reduction

At this very moment, people are still having sex, In a downtown condo, or street in the projects. Although you can’t see them, or hear their breathing sounds, Someone in the world is having sex right now. ~LaTour

To quote another famous music maker, George Michael, “sex is natural, sex is fun” and like everything else that is a part of nature, it comes with risks and rewards. Some of the rewards include orgasm, bonding with your partner, experiencing a broad range of feelings at that union, procreating, etc.

Nash Equilibrium

Some of the risks include procreating, getting hurt emotionally (which is not so much sex, but what happens after), and giving or receiving a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Today we are talking about disease and infection risk reduction.

Sex is a part of most romantic relationships. I personally believe that it is irresponsible to talk to others about sex, especially, about how to get more or have better sex, without also including a discussion on disease.

I am not saying do not have sex, I am saying:

With more information, you are better able to make a decision that is right for you and your future. This includes knowing about the downsides and mitigating them.

When I was a teenager, I went to a high school that required community service work. I volunteered with the Peer Education Program in my city, and we were educated about sexually transmitted diseases, infections and their consequences, with an emphasis on HIV. Then we went out to high schools, and told them “Abstinence is the best policy to avoid HIV. And the reality is, many of you will not choose that and so we will tell you what your risks are, ways you can mitigate those risks and what happens if you are infected.”

Tools for STI Prevention:

1. Abstinence

Tools for STI Reduction:

1. Self Esteem and Assertion
2. Latex or Polyurethane condoms used EVERY time.
3. Latex or Polyurethane dental dam used EVERY time
4. water or silicone based lubricant (spermicidal lubricant is also an option but can cause irritation and increase risk).
5. Communication
6. Regular testing and treatment if positive

The discussion for the tools of prevention is pretty short: Don’t do it. The discussion for reduction is a bigger one, and I still don’t feel like I’ve covered all of it. I make the distinction between reduction and prevention, because using the methods of reduction do not ensure that you will prevent yourself from contracting or sharing an STI if you are having sex.

Reduction methods have the ability, when used properly and consistently to make smaller the likelihood of transmission.

Regular testing can help reduce the likelihood that an infection will spread or worsen. Assuming a test result is positive, the reduction effect due to this method is dependent on prompt and thorough treatment. If incurable, the ethics and communication skills of the person who contracted it are a key factor in their future partners ability to do an accurate risk assessment for themselves.

I recommend testing at least once a year if you are having sex whether or not symptoms are present. Get tested more often if you have more than one partner per year. I knew a girl who thought she had a recurrent mild yeast infection for three months, it turns out she had a chlamydia infection.

If you want to be tested, you can find places via a Google search with search terms “STD testing” and the name of your city and state. Planned Parent Hood and local LGBT centers may test or be able to refer for testing.

The tests available are for syphilis, hepatitis, HIV, herpes, hpv/cancer causing variety (for women only), warts (visual inspection), gonorrhea and chlamydia. There are also other STIs like molloscum and crabs. There is a vaccine for 4 types of hpv, and I will discuss that in a later post.

I have heard from friends, particularly white males 25 and older, that get told by their doctors that they do not need to get tested because they are not a high risk group.

A member of a high-risk group is someone who, by virtue of their behavior, sexual orientation or race, belongs to a group of people considered more likely to contract an STI. For example, gay men are considered to be a high-risk group. However, world wide, 70-80% of the HIV infected are heterosexual.

Communication

In addition, communicating your desire to use condoms and dental dams before having sex can be useful for actually using them. It can be a conversation over dinner, or as simple as “Shall I get the condom?” If your partner says no, then either, they do not want to have sex with you, or you may want to seriously reconsider having sex with them.

Communication with your Dr. or someone informed can also be useful in prevention. A friend of mine in college only had two partners; however, she contracted herpes on her genitals. Why? Her boyfriend had cold sores and did not know that cold sores were herpes. Now, she has the gift that keeps on stigmatizing and giving.

Lubricant. Water or silicone based lubricant. Using condoms can sometimes interfere with or reduce the body’s natural lubrication. If you find you need lubrication water or silicone are latex friendly. Lubricants such as baby oil, Crisco or olive oil with cause a latex condom to break down, reducing its efficacy. Too much friction can also reduce the structural integrity of the condom. It is less likely to result in error if you always buy latex friendly lube. This article (in the middle) has a list of safe and unsafe lubricants, with the exception of the spermicide due to it showing an increase in risk of infection due to the irritation caused to the lining of th vagina and anus.

Dental Dam. What on earth is a dental dam? It is a square/rectangular piece of latex or polyurethane placed over the vagina or anus before oral stimulation begins. It is useful in reducing transmission of certain STIs because it inhibits the exchange of body fluids that carry these things. Really, do you want gonorrhea or warts in your throat?That college friend may have prevented her genital herpes with a dental dam.

Condoms. For the best prevention results, the penis should not be in contact with the skin surrounding whatever its owner plans on penetrating. This is because of a substance men have called pre-cum. Two links regarding instructions for properly putting on a condom are here and nsfw video here.

Latex and polyurethane help reduce the risk of contracting an STI, animal skin does not. For people with latex allergies, polyurethane is an alternative. Four infections may be transmitted in spite of proper condom use: hpv/warts, herpes, crabs and molluscum, because a condom does not cover all of the skin that may be infected.

If you operate from the (incorrect, imho) assumption, like Dr. House does, that “Everybody lies” you will always use a condom no matter what other people tell you.

Self Esteem and Assertion. Sometimes, during sex, especially with a new partner, we aren’t thinking clearly, especially if intoxicated. There is sometimes an intense short-term impulse or pressure pitted against your knowledge of what is actually good for you as a whole, long term. Loving your self enough, having enough self-esteem and confidence in ones ability to be assertive enough to resist the in-the-moment inner-impulse or outside-pressure that says: go bareback.

Men and women have found themselves manipulated into having sex, when they did not really want to, or into not using condoms. This is unethical, and some feel that it is coercion. Hartwick, Desmarais and Hennig in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality (3-22-07) have defined coercion as:

In the current study, we adopted the definition proposed by Struckman-Johnson and Struckman-Johnson (1994), who defined sexual coercion as “an experience of being pressured or forced by another person to have contact which involved touching of sexual parts or sexual intercourse–oral, anal, or vaginal” (p. 96). Their definition incorporates “psychological coercion, including verbal persuasion, threat of love withdrawal, bribery, and use of intoxication” (p. 96) without physical force or the intent to harm.

Alternatively, self-love/esteem may reduce the number of partners you have (therefore reducing potential exposure) because it means that you are not seeking validation from your sexual partner.

I had a male friend who was a virgin at the age of twentyfive, at which point he started dating a very beautiful girl. He told me of one night wherein they were getting hot and heavy. He did not have any condoms and she really wanted to have sex with him. He said “no.” She pleaded with him that she was “clean” and on the pill and that there was nothing to worry about. He still said no. A while later, he found out through the grapevine that she did have an STI and had at that point in time with him. The pill would not have protected him.

Self-esteem may mean not having sex at all, a fewer number of partners, or it may mean using condoms every time until you are in that long term monogamous partnership with whom you have had a very lengthy discussion on STIs. I’ve included links to articles with more detail here, here and here regarding the very personal decision of when to discontinue condoms.

If you are a heterosexual couple and you don’t want to have children and do want to discontinue condoms, use appropriate alternatives to condoms for birth control.

I’ve known people with fewer than three partners that have contracted an STI and I’ve known people with greater than 50 who have not. It is up to us to make the best decisions for ourselves and be willing to deal with the consequences, if any.

In order to make good decisions, it helps to be as informed as possible, and our ability to be informed has limits. Baring being able to be 100% informed about everything, it is up to us to know the risks and take appropriate action to minimize them, while understanding that minimization is not foolproof. Don’t take my word for it, check with the CDC or your local Planned Parent Hood or LGBT Community Center.

Cheers to risk reduced sex,

Lexi.


Don’t guess on the occurring symptoms; have an STD test to diagnose the symptoms properly.

Finding your buttons and strings

 ”Peak turn-ons are precious jewels.  To fully appreciate their glittering facets, it is necessary to gaze at them from different angles.  Yet peak experiences are also onionlike.  As each layer is peeled away you uncover additional information not visible on the surface.”  -Jack Morin, Ph.D.: The Erotic Mind

Imagine that you see a person who seems to match your ideal type.  You can feel yourself getting twitter-patted. . . your heart pounding, a tingling . . . and you notice that looking at them is turning you on.  They’re turning you on! 

Well, not really.  You aren’t even interacting with each other! They aren’t doing anything except existing.  What is happening is their image is a trigger that activates a cascade of thoughts, feelings and related chemicals that leads to the fluttery tingly feelings that is related to attraction and being turned on.  Maybe these thoughts and feelings are memories from your past, lessons learned from your family or culture, hope about the future, or just a fantasy destined to remain as such. 

XKCD: Internet teaches forplar

When I ask, “What turns you on?”  I am not just talking about the traits of another person.  I’m asking for an examination of experiences looking for common threads in thoughts, feelings, the interaction and what it was about the other person.  This may help gain a deeper understanding of what pushes your buttons and pulls your strings, in the fun way.  

I’m going to back up a second, because I’m making a huge assumption here, I’m assuming that you believe you are allowed to be turned on, that it is okay for you to have sexual and erotic thoughts and feelings and that you can seperate those fantasies from reality. 

If you are not confident in your ability to seperate fantasy from reality, seeking help from a professional is recommended.  The reason this is important is to avoid harming others and yourself.  There are things that are illegal and unethical that people fantasize about, and as long as they stay fantasies, there is little risk of harm.   Acting out fantasies that involve others without their explicit consent as an adult who is sober at the time of consent is immoral, unethical and illegal. 

If you can seperate reality and fantasy, and you believe your thoughts and feelings are not okay, or acceptable for you to experience, that is worth exploring, on your own or with a professional.  The goal is to deepen self knowledge on an erotic level. 

When you know what turns you on, it seems easier to communicate to your partner what you like.  Of course communicating your desires automatically changes the dynamic of your relationship, and can be a difficulty in and of itself.  When adults are “erotically healthy”, and feel safe with their partner, they can communicate and appreciate the differences in their erotic preferences.  This can deepen self knowledge and strengthen a relationship. 

Internet Turn-Ons

Back to the buttons and strings . . .

So how do they figure out those preferences?  Have you ever had non-erotic peak experience?  Those are the experiences that really stand out in your mind.  An erotic peak experience is similar, but it is about the experiences you’ve had sexually that stand out in your mind and stay fresh in your memory over time.

 They can involve distortions of time, being fully present in the moment, reduced inhibition, and a mixture of feelings including anxiety, fulfillment, and validation.  Erotic peak experiences, may also contain things we feel shame or embarassment about, because we fear they may mean we are abnormal.  By unpacking what makes up these experiences, we can increase the likelihood of their reoccurance.

According to Morin, by studying ourselves at our erotic best and suspending judgment of those experience as “good” or “bad” we can gain a better understanding of who we are, and how to sustain long term eroticism in our relationships.   We can use unfinished business from our past to fuel current experiences.  We can find out what our core erotic themes are and use our emotions to have better sex. 

A willingness to deeply know and accept yourself is a step to increasing your peak erotic experiences and improving your ability to share yourself fully with a partner .  Acceptance of thoughts and feelings does not mean you have to act on them.   Redefining sex as more than just intercourse can improve your sex life.  Recognizing that this is a process and maintaining patience with yourself (and a partner if present) can be beneficial as well.   While people may be similar in their preferences, no one person is exactly the same. 

There are doubltess many ways to gain deeper self-knowledge, and I think that The Erotic Mind offers an excellent path to follow for erotic self-discovery.  There is a survey with a series of questions from Jack Morin and a modified version is available here.  While it is a survey, it is also a helpful place to start in this process. 

Lexi*