Sophisticated Relationships

“Genuine beginnings begin within us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities.” – William Bridges

About two weeks ago, Cheery and I were walking home after having gone out for a lovely evening of movie watching, shopping, and milling about. We were entrenched in conversation and laughter when all of a sudden someone jumped out from behind a corner and demanded our purses. Someone grabbed for my purse… I probably should have let them have it, but instinct kicked in and I held onto my purse, screamed help, and fought. I suddenly realized that there was more than one person. I was dragged across the street by my purse strap. I held tight, and kept kicking and screaming for help. Two of the thugs began kicking and punching me in the head. Eventually my purse strap broke and they were able to take my purse. One of the thugs held my hands behind my back. I’m not exactly sure what happened after that.

Some neighbors heard me screaming and called the police, who showed up surprisingly fast. In fact, I could still see the thugs half way down the block as the police arrived. Cheery and I jumped into the back of the cop car and went after them. It was probably the wrong thing to do – the cops should have started running after them on foot – there were too many places for the thugs to duck into.

I quickly began going into shock. For me, going into shock looked like hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably. I could not get my breathing under control, which for me, is really telling because I’ve been practicing Ujjayi breath for 10 years. After getting out of the cop car, I had to sit down on the curb, and then as I got dizzier and dizzier, I had to lay down. The paramedics came and asked if I wanted to go to the emergency room. At this point, I didn’t know what to do. The bumps on my head were growing; I was in a lot of pain and feeling dizzy. I kept saying that I didn’t know and that I was in shock. I eventually chose to go to the ER. It took me about 2 hours to calm my breathing and to stop crying.

A few years ago, after my incident with Henry, I took a 10-month self-defense class where I was taught Defendu. That’s where I learned to scream and to fight. I’m so grateful for the training. During the attack, my mind heard my instructors yelling at me to scream louder. My body moved instinctively into fighting positions.

Should I have fought back? It’s definitely arguable. Most people I have talked to say that they just hand over their possessions when confronted with thugs. I didn’t know there was more than one person when I began to fight. While it was extremely dangerous, I am glad that my fight-instinct kicked in. I’m glad that I didn’t make it easy for them.

Obviously, being attacked is extremely traumatic. I wasn’t sure what to expect in terms of emotional processing after the attack was over. A heavy depression set in the following morning and lasted for a couple of days. The depression quickly morphed into anger.

I’m used to sitting with my feelings and processing them. But I started being inundated with angry thoughts and I couldn’t stop them or even process them. I just felt bombarded and out of control. Luckily for me, work was extremely busy the following week and I was able to sufficiently distract myself and allow time to dissipate some of the anger I was feeling. Of course, it only delayed the real processing work that I am now facing.

The level of support that I have received has been heart-opening. Qtask gave me a new phone, and the CEO gave me some cash so that I didn’t have to stress. My friends called and wrote to offer their support and ask if there was anything I needed. Zoltan held me tight in my weaker moments and provided continuous love. I am tremendously grateful for the people that surround my life.

I am practicing good self-care and working on ways to find the lessons in all of this experience. Please feel free to share your experiences with trauma and things that have helped you use those experiences to further your self-growth.

“And when a human being transforms himself, when *you* transform yourself radically, you are affecting the whole consciousness of mankind. You are mankind, you are the movement of mankind. This is fact, this is actual. If you change, you affect the world. So it is your tremendous responsibility.” J. Krishnamurti, Total Freedom

Shine on!

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, Zoltan, gratitude, self care, self defense, well-being by Lighthouse
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“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” – Anais Nin

This entry is about a very terrible thing that happened to me. It is impossible to convey all the details of the story sufficiently in one blog post, but suffice it to say that in the end, my experience taught me some very important lessons, and everything ended up ok.

Henry and I worked together at the engineering firm. I had a huge crush on him… every girl did. He was smart and suave and very sexy. He also had a crush on me. While I lusted after Henry, I had a rule about not dating co-workers, so I just enjoyed the sexual tension for what it was. After Johnny Seitan and I broke up, I spent a lot of time (about 4 nights a week) hanging out with Henry, Canadian Dave, and The Boss. I was trying to explore new places… trying to find new scenes… so going to bars with my co-workers was a welcome distraction and a nice change of pace. Canadian Dave and I were in the process of becoming better and better friends, and I was really enjoying the camaraderie that was forming between the four of us.

One night we were all out at a bar with several other people… one by one people went home leaving Henry and I alone. It wasn’t unusual for us to be alone together. We’d done plenty of field work together, and we’d always had good conversations. That particular night we’d both had a lot to drink. My bus stop was in front of his house so we decided to walk back to his house together and I would catch the bus home from there. We were still in the middle of a particularly good conversation when we arrived at his place… so he invited me in for another drink.

I was looking at the pictures around his place while he poured the drinks in the kitchen. I saw a picture of his mom and remarked how similar she looked to a woman in the office (Mona) whom he told me about having a crush on. I was razzing him about having an Oedipus Complex and he brought out another photo album to show me more pictures. We were sitting on the couch sipping whiskey and looking at pictures… I set my drink down on the coffee table… and the last thing I remember is him pushing my shoulder back on the couch.

The next thing I remember is waking up in front of a driveway on the street. I had no idea where I was and I just sat there in a daze, throwing up, and trying to retrace my evening. I sat there for about an hour or two (I think) until I saw the sky getting light. Someone rode by me on a bicycle and stopped and sat next to me. He offered me a joint and said he was a hustler. The joint caused me to remember a friend of mine who smoked a lot of pot and I called my friend and asked if he would come and get me… I remember my friend cried when he saw me.

It all sounds like Henry put something in my drink… but I really don’t know. I didn’t get tested because I found the idea so implausible at the time. It’s possible that I’d simply had too much to drink. From what I was able to piece together from various sources, Henry and I started to have sex and I got really sick and threw up. He said I insisted on him calling me a cab and that I ran out of the apartment when the cab arrived, leaving my coat and house keys. The cab driver dropped me off at a police station because I didn’t have money with me so I apparently tried to walk home… and didn’t make it.

This is, by far, the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. The repercussions were enormous. A social rift was created at the office. Henry avoided me… other co-workers avoided me. On my friend Rapunza’s insistence, I began taking a very intense 10-month long self defense class where we learned hand to hand combat as well as how to deal with bludgeon weapons, edged weapons, and firearms. For me, it was a positive and productive way to deal with the hurt, loss, and anger I experienced. My co-workers thought that I was being extreme and the social rift in the office widened beyond repair.

I’m sure there are many things I could have done to avoid having gone through what I did. However, many good things came from the experience: I learned how to fight, my friendship with Rapunza grew as we took the self defense class together, I was much more careful on dates with men I didn’t know very well, my friendship with Canadian Dave solidified, I learned to trust my instincts more.

I highly recommend that every woman take a class in self defense. It’s important to learn some very basic techniques on how to defend yourself in an attack: how to scream, how to fight, how to deal with bludgeon weapons, edged weapons, and firearms, what to do after you’ve been attacked, and how to deal with the potential social ramifications.

“Trust in yourself. Your perceptions are often far more accurate than you are willing to believe.” – Claudia Black

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Canadian Dave, Johnny Seitan, Lighthouse, action, self defense, well-being by Lighthouse
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