Sophisticated Relationships

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” – a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” – Anais Nin

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, cartoon, character, communication, expectations, gratitude, happiness, honesty, insight, intimacy, love, purpose, radical honesty, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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Sometimes the shortest route to self-improvement isn’t to change anything about yourself but rather just to become more informed.

~Simon Funk

Saturday I had lunch with my friend Patrick in San Louis Obispo on lovely sunny day surrounded by the rhythm of a college town. We were exchanging fun banter mixed with more serious aspirations. I mentioned Sophisticated Relationships as a place that I write and he asked what it was about.

I told him originally it was meant to have a “Sex in the City” vibe and that it has taken a turn for more personal development. Both Lighthouse and I believe that in order to be in a sophisticated relationship with an engaging, secure and wonderful person, you have to be that yourself. This is why SR has taken a deeper look at things like self acceptance, not being attached to outcome, story telling and self care. This works for us, and it may work for you, if not try something else.

Everything you do or say, or don’t do and don’t say is communication. How you move, how you dress, how you speak, how you treat yourself, how you treat others, and more, is all communication to everyone else about who you are. There are many ways to communicate and interpret this kind of information.

What you believe about yourself and the world influences how you perceive and interact with the world.

 

If you believe you live in a hostile unfriendly world, your mind is going to be more likely to pick up on the cues that match your perception, a confirmation bias. It doesn’t mean you won’t make friends, but you may make fewer.

If you believe that most people are basically friendly and honest, that too is going to influence how you perceive the world. It doesn’t mean that you won’t come across dishonest unkind people—but they will seem like an anomaly, and you may have many more friends than someone with a more negative view of the world.

Like most beliefs about the world, these examples demonstrate how your behavior might be influenced in the world. And how you behave may generate further confirmation bias. If you believe the world is unfriendly, you may behave in an unfriendly or hostile way, thus not giving anyone a reason to be friendly to you— thus confirming that your belief in an unfriendly world is true.

If you believe the world is generally a kind place, you are more likely to notice the small kindnesses in every day passing, this may influence you to be kinder and you may find that others are further kinder to you, because people like to do things for others who treat them well—thus confirming that the world really is a kind place.

Additional influences on behavior will be what you believe about yourself. If you are more self-rejecting than self accepting, your self view will influence how you behave with others. It will influence how you dress yourself, how you carry yourself, how you speak to and approach other people. Depending on your interpretations and the level of importance you place on how others react to you, it can reinforce your negative self image keeping you stuck in a negative feedback loop.

Up until 2003, I used to worry a lot about whether or not people liked me. When I was in a state where I was worried, this influenced my behavior in ways that brought out unlikable behaviors. This worry felt like someone strapped a bomb to my chest and told me to act like Jack Nicholson. Naturally my behavior changed, and it wasn’t that I wasn’t being myself—I was, but I was being myself with a bomb strapped to my chest trying to act like Jack Nicholson.

The bomb made it seem like a good reason to act like Mr. Nicholson. Take the bomb away and I’m being myself frantically acting like Jack Nicholson, that was what I conveyed to others. They didn’t see the bomb, they just saw the resulting behavior. Trying to act like Jack was not how I preferred to interact, and probably was not the best way for me to connect with others. I can only imagine what I might be conveying to others about myself.

That worry is an imaginary bomb.

Take the worry bomb away, notice it is no longer there, my internal view has changed and viola, I can stop frantically acting like Jack. The bomb represents misinformation, and without that worry bomb strapped to my chest, what I end up conveying about myself is different because my beliefs and perceptions changed. By understanding that rejection is information, and not something to worry about, I can make a more informed decision about my behavior.

Which brings me back to my original point, what is Sophisticated Relationships about? Creating authentic connections. And to do that, it helps to be in touch with your self. In addition to communication, many of our articles are devoted to the relationship with oneself, by improving that, becoming more informed, we are more equipped to interact fruitfully in the world, become and attract people who are engaging, secure and wonderful.

Have a great weekend!

Lexi

Tags: Lexi, authentic, character, communication, insight, relationship with self by Lexi
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“Until you’ve learned to ignore your inner critic, your fears will feel like reality, not illusion. Anyone can fall into this trap,”
~Christine Comaford-Lynch

Lighthouse and I have been learning more about self acceptance lately. I certainly have room for more acceptance. Almost two years ago I was lamenting my life and I was asked two questions. The first one:

Did I believe that I had a right to exist as I am.

My answer was no.

There are many reasons why I did not have a right, nor did I deserve to exist as I was. My body wasn’t perfect. I was in a job I hated and unwilling to leave for now. I wasn’t always able to be nice or kind especially when others weren’t, I wasn’t always — you name it, if I couldn’t be as good at something as I thought I should be, it meant I was somehow unacceptable.

The second question, equally as difficult, was:

Did I believe that as I am is good enough? Absolutely not!

Where could I start? If I didn’t believe I had the right to exist as I was, I certainly wasn’t going to believe that I was good enough as I am, without changing a thing!

If had a right to exist as I was, then so did others, if I was good enough as I was, then so were others. And while I can know it is true on an intellectual level, on a feeling level I felt a mass of discomfort forming in my stomach: If everyone is theoretically acceptable what about those who hurt me or others?

If people accept themselves as they are, why would they change? What would be their motives to improve or stop hurting others? What would be my motives for becoming a ‘better’ human? Some of my fears are misconceptions about what acceptance of self actually means.

After a lot of thought, I boiled down the problem. I value self-improvement. If I’m not improving, than what good am I? Another misconception.

It seems to think in terms of whether or not people have value at all, is harmful to self acceptance.

So what had me on this frenetic never ending treadmill of self-improvement? The engine of self-rejection, also known as my Inner Critic.

The inner critic, while useful for some, and non-existent for others– was interfering with acceptance of myself. I couldn’t understand: how I would improve if I accepted myself as I am, how would I grow and change for the better?

My inner critic isn’t all bad, and it isn’t all good. It is what it is, which happens to be a part of me. Here are some examples of where my inner critic has played a role in my life:

My inner critic may drive me to eat better, exercise which has a natural benefit of feeling better and my inner critic won’t notice that I’m healthier. Instead, it will notice that I still have cellulite on my legs when I squeeze them and then tell me that I bad for having that. My inner critic may be part of what drove me to go to college which has been helpful in my life, but when I didn’t have a 4.0, my inner critic whispered that I didn’t deserve to be thought of as competent, turn up the speed on that treadmill?

My inner critic told me “why bother” because I wouldn’t do something well, and sometimes I’d try, or I distracted myself from the critic’s voice and sometimes I didn’t bother.

The biggest advantage of my inner critic: any criticism someone had of me or anything negative someone could say about me, I’ve already said to myself. It made living up to my value of honesty about my mistakes easier because often times I noticed that people did not judge me as harshly as I judge myself, if at all. I don’t need much protection from other’s judgments these days– judgments are just opinions and everybody has one.

A year ago, my inner critic would have been trying to trip me up by telling me whatever I’m writing is stupid and it would be terrible if others thought that too. Guess what, someone *will* think that, and that’s okay!

Two years ago, my inner critic would have criticized you for not criticizing me. And now, I can accept when others are please with something I do as is. My inner critic occasionally still criticizes traits in others that I don’t want in myself.

I have a lot less inner critic than I used to. I still have some transformation to go– as I, like everyone else, am a work in progress. My biggest stumbling block to accepting myself, was failing every time I tried and being unable to accept failure and consequently myself and then trying harder and failing more and feeling worse which drove my critic to . . . ad nauseum.

I’ll share a small example of one of the ways I took step toward self-acceptance.

One train that my inner critic enjoyed taking a ride on was this: a messy dwelling is a sign of laziness, incompetence, stupidity, clutter-bug habits, which in and of itself is another sign of mental deficiency in some way. If a messy dwelling is a mystical portal into the soul of the dweller, than that means I must be lazy, incompetent, stupid, disorganized and mentally deficient.

Rationally I knew this wasn’t true, but it felt true. So I decided to act opposite to my feeling, or ‘failed’ on purpose. I chose not to clean my place, and every time I heard myself saying “I should” I would answer back that I was choosing not to and it did not mean any of those things, most of which have been internalized from outside sources. And eventually, the feeling of something wrong with me subsided.

Some time later, I noticed that I was cleaning, not because I had too, but because I enjoyed the result. As the anxiety of the inner critic died down, I found more room to breath, the ability to take a break, and then listen for the joy. I suspect accepting the room as messy made room from the more positive feelings about cleaning it.

Rather than living with judgment from my inner critic, I want to be more often in a place, where I can look at things with curiosity, compassion and accountability, rather than from a place of comparison, frustration and disgust. For now, I’m am learning to give myself room to breath and accept myself as I am maybe radically..

So is my place still messy? Sometimes, and that’s okay.

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, authentic, expectations, insight, relationship with self by Lexi
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“We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other peoples’ models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open.” – Shakti Gawain

Ever since my last appointment with Dr. Zzzz, I’ve been thinking about the concept of self-acceptance. When I read the The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, self-acceptance was the chapter I was the least interested in, the chapter I wanted to gloss over the most… and ironically, it was the chapter I needed to pay the most attention to (it’s always like that, isn’t it?).

The philosophy group I belong to decided to read Radical Acceptance (which Dr. Zzzz had recommended). Most of us had a copy on our bookshelves already but had not read it. I reluctantly opened the pages… and then found myself totally engrossed in the book. It’s very well written… and it feels like it was written just for me. Sigh.

Tara Brach defines Radical Acceptance as the cultivation of mindfulness and compassion. “For so many of us, feelings of deficiency are right around the corner. It doesn’t take much – just hearing of someone else’s accomplishments, being criticized, getting into an argument, making a mistake at work – to make us feel that we are not okay.”

I know this is certainly true for me. I can be feeling great one minute, and then some incident will happen and all my self-doubts come crushing in.

“Convinced that we are not good enough, we can never relax. We stay on guard, monitoring ourselves for shortcomings. When we inevitably find them, we feel even more insecure and undeserving. We have to try even harder. The irony of all of this is… where do we think we are going anyway?”"…We must overcome our flaws by controlling our bodies, controlling our emotions, controlling our natural surroundings, controlling other people. And we must strive tirelessly – working, acquiring, consuming, achieving, e-mailing, over-committing and rushing – in a never-ending quest to prove ourselves once and for all.”

There are many things, Tara Brach points out, that we do to “manage the pain of inadequacy”:

* Embark on one self-improvement project after another – Rather than relaxing and enjoying who we are and what we’re doing, we are comparing ourselves with an ideal and trying to make up for the difference.
* Hold back and play it safe rather than risking failure – Playing it safe requires that we avoid risky situations – which covers pretty much all of life.
* Withdraw from our experience of the present moment – We pull away from the raw feelings of fear and shame by incessantly telling ourselves stories about what is happening in our life. [...] Living in the future creates the illusion that we are managing our life and steels us against personal failure.
* Keep busy – Staying occupied is a socially sanctioned way of remaining distant from our pain. How often do we hear that someone who has just lost a dear one is “doing a good job at keeping busy”?
* Become our own worst critics – Staying on top of what is wrong with us gives us the sense that we are controlling our impulses, disguising our weaknesses and possibly improving our character.
* Focus on other people’s faults – Every time we hide a defeat we reinforce the fear that we are insufficient. When we strive to impress or outdo others, we strengthen the underlying belief that we are not enough as we are.

Whenever we reject a part of our being, we are confirming to ourselves our fundamental unworthiness.When we learn to face and feel the fear and shame we habitually avoid, we begin to awaken from trance. We free ourselves to respond to our circumstances in ways that bring genuine peace and happiness.

So what do we do?

The first step, is to identify the beliefs that we have that make us feel unworthy (“Do I accept my body as it is? Do I judge myself for not being intelligent/interesting/funny enough? Am I ashamed of feeling jealous?” etc). Throughout the day, start to become aware (without judging) of how you relate to yourself and your behaviors. Notice what your inner critic is saying to you.

Learn to recognize the thoughts you are having. When the inner-critic starts battling with you, don’t engage. Recognize the voice simply as a passing thought. Just allow the thought and its associated feelings to move through you. Notice what your body does in reaction to your thoughts.

Then… learn to “pause”.

What if we were to intentionally stop our mental computations and our rushing around and, for a minute or two, simply pause and notice our inner experience? A pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal. In a pause, we simply discontinue whatever we are doing – thinking, talking, walking, writing, planning, worrying, eating – and become wholeheartedly present, attentive and, often, physically still. A pause is, by nature, time limited. We resume our activities but we do so with increased presence and more ability to make choices.

I’ve decided to choose several times during the day to practice pausing. Every morning, I wake up and make a cup of tea (it’s one of my favorite morning rituals) and sit down at my computer. Before engaging with my computer, I sit and observe what is happening in my body. There’s nothing for me to “do” except listen. There are several more times during the day where I make tea, and every time I sit back down to begin working, I pause and listen.

The book describes some common misunderstandings about radical acceptance:

* It is not resignation.
* It does not mean defining ourselves by our limitations. It is not an excuse for withdrawal.
* It is not self-indulgence.
* It does not make us passive.
* It doesn’t mean accepting a “self”.

So accepting everything means that we are aware of what is happening in our body and mind in any given moment, without trying to control or judge or pull away. It does not mean putting up with harmful behavior. It means feeling sorrow and pain without resisting. It means feeling desire or dislike for someone without judging ourselves for the feeling or being driven to act on it. Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is Radical Acceptance.

It’s been interesting for me to really begin to pay attention to all the things that are happening in my body throughout the day. I didn’t realize how disconnected I could be – or how quickly disconnected I could become. Scheduled pauses gives me an opportunity to check in with myself several times throughout the day – while at the same time, allowing me to practice for emotionally intense moments where a pause has the potential to make all the difference.

If any of you have any experience with these techniques, I would love to hear about them.

“I must learn to love the fool in me—the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”- Theodore Rubin

Shine on!

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, happiness, insight, love, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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