Sophisticated Relationships

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” – a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” – Anais Nin

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, cartoon, character, communication, expectations, gratitude, happiness, honesty, insight, intimacy, love, purpose, radical honesty, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
No Comments »

We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.

~Tad Williams

From the time many of us are children, we start to or are unintentionally taught to lie. It is considered a normal part of development because it means that a child has reached a cognitive milestone of knowing what reality is, being able to differentiate between what they know and what others know and deceiving someone. Some children get good at lying.

The messages in my family about lying put me in a double bind. From one parent the message was “Lie for me” and from the other “Don’t lie to me.” Being a double bind, there was no way to win. If I obeyed one, I disobeyed the other.

Because of this “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” stance in my childhood, I have a difficult time with lying and liars. The lies that bother me in a big way, are ones that intentionally distort reality, or obscure facts. Surprise parties, and the lies that surround them are the one group of lies that involves distorting reality, that I’m okay with, and I think it is because the liars eventually come clean. The other exception is if your life or physical safety is being threatened.

It seems to me that that our culture gives people the message of “be polite”. Where, being polite, may involve telling many white lies—your girlfriend is wearing a dress that accentuates rather than disguises the fat on her derriere. She asks if it makes her look fat. You think yes, and say “No.” You can’t stand your friend’s cooking. And you tell them you love it!

Right or wrong, people lie on issues like this because of cultural training. That is just one example of lies society condones.

Some people will not tolerate emotional honesty in communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships.

~Author Unknown

One major reason we are taught to lie is to protect others feelings, and in the matter of dresses this does not necessarily seem like a huge deal. The intention is to spare the feelings, it doesn’t necessarily distort reality, “fatness” can be a subjective perception.

But if you think she is fat regardless of the dress, you run into questions like “Do I want her to know what my true aesthetic tastes are,” “Does it matter to me if she’s fat,” “Does it matter to her if I lie about this?” And maybe a few other dilemmas that have not occurred to me.

Another reason we are taught to lie is for immediate gratification. That may be as simple as the gratification that comes from avoiding punishment for our actions. Or it may be more complicated like lying about your marital status to a potential lover.

One may find themselves lying about all kinds of things to avoid hurting other people’s feelings in the moment. Things, that down the road, get found out and hurt the other person far more than an initial honest disclosure framed in compassion and kindness.

Another message we get culturally: “Be yourself” or “Be Sincere.”

This seems difficult in the context of our culture. Being ones self sometimes seems in conflict with the culture of white lies, protecting someone else’s feelings., and hiding our actions for immediate gratification. Potentially another double bind.

I interpret this message as: only be yourself / sincere, if other people can handle it.

My personal feeling is that by discouraging honest, compassionate and civil discourse, we have weakened our ability to accept ourselves and others as we truly are. We more often find ourselves offended by opinions that do not match our own. Rather than using these opinions in a potentially constructive way, as pointers toward potential growth, or a way to expand our knowledge of others and the world. Instead, we are indignant, how dare that person not have the same opinion as me!

Susan Jacoby in an interview with Bill Moyers made a similar observation about a trend in our nation of not being curious about opinions different from our own when she said:

In the 19th century Robert Ingersoll, about whom we’ve talked, who is known as the great agnostic, had audiences full of people who didn’t agree with him. But they wanted to hear what he had to say. And they wanted to see whether the devil really has horns. And now what we have is a situation in which people go to hear people they already agree with. What’s going on is not so much education as reinforcement of the opinions you already have.

In my observation, some lies at their core seem to stem from the fear of not getting one’s needs met. The fears may include, but are not limited to things ranging from loosing a friendship, not having enough money, a romantic relationship, safety or the continuance of a “good” reputation, the lie falls from an individual’s lips or fingertips to protect themselves from potential loss.

Fear of change in self image, self esteem or another’s image of you can also motivate lies- again it gives the illusion of preventing loss. If you believe you are a nice person, you may be inclined to believe that by telling your romantic partner that a behavior of theirs hurts your feelings, you will create conflict. Because you might. It is not the conflict that is a problem so much as the belief that that “nice people” do not create conflict. And so you say nothing, meeting one perceived need and quashing another.

Now, you have two problems. 1) Your partner doesn’t have a relationship with your authentic self. 2) Resentment may build up because your partner is still engaging int hat behavior that hurts your feelings, and your thoughts may come tumbling out, and then you’ve got more conflict than you were hoping to avoid by not being honest in the first place.

The fear is that voicing a complaint may cause a break up, or may mean you aren’t “nice.” The reality is that honesty may cause conflict that results in a break-up. And it also gives both you, and your partner the opportunity to share your authentic selves with someone, it may be your partner, and it may be someone new. Either way, you move closer to being with someone who is a good match.

I personally believe that it is an error to believe that telling other people how you feel means you are not a nice person. It is how you do it, not whether or not you do it. An example of how to honestly and kindly voice a complaint is to say something like “When you do ___, I feel ___.” They may not change, and you both have the benefit of honesty. Another is to use a “soft-startup.” If there is violence in your relationship, seek help from a professional.

Looking back over the last ten years, I have noticed that the most drama and friction comes from lies, not the truth told compassionately.

While some lies seem like attempts to reduce hurt feelings, by disguising who you are in favor of the other person in an attempt to reduce drama or friction. I personally believe it weakens our ability to accept others and ourselves as they are. Moreover, I have seen many times where lies like this create more drama and friction, because while the lie reduces drama and friction in the moment, it creates a situation for a much bigger problem in the future. My friend Simon Funk says “Dishonesty is the #1 source of all drama.”

I believe it is possible to be honest with compassion for the person to whom you are being honest with. And, as an article I recently read stated, true compassion includes being compassionate toward yourself, to me, that means honoring who I am, and telling others my truth and the truth while accepting that they may not like me anymore. I generally believe that most people I encounter are honest most of the time, I don’t think our society would be able to function as well as it does if that were not the case.

Honesty is a tricky subject. I think it is generally something that helps us be closer with others and create intimacy with them, for when we are honest with ourselves, others and in our interactions, we are allowing them to know us as we really are, and providing a context in which we can make more informed choices about our lives. Being honest, especially when in doubt is engaging in one of the steps toward self-actualization and authenticity.

I am still working out my opinion on lying, I appreciate any feedback.

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, authentic, communication, intimacy, self-esteem by Lexi
2 Comments »

“Create a world, your world. Alone. Stand alone. Create. And then love will come to you, then it comes to you. ” – Anais Nin

People lose themselves in relationships all the time. I see it everywhere. I see it in myself.

People lose “their ability to direct themselves and so get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There’s room for only one opinion, one position. Differentiation is the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by the other person. Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection, but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people.” – Passionate Marriage

 

When I was dating Johnny Seitan, I had a low sense of self. If he thought something was unattractive, I probably didn’t do it. As long as he was seemingly attracted to me, I was relatively happy. My sense of self relied a lot upon what he thought. I would say that I lost myself in that relationship.

Years into the relationship with Johnny Seitan, I started to read The Diary of Anais Nin, and I became fascinated with her relationship with Henry Miller. She described the relationship as symbiotic, where they were better together than they were as separate entities. She felt that separate, they were both very powerful and creative people… but together, they were uniquely explosive.

Reading about the relationship that Anais and Henry had helped me realize that I wasn’t “differentiated” in my relationship with Johnny Seitan. I started to discover that I was holding myself back from things that I wanted to do in life. I realized that I had artificially created myself through Johnny Seitan’s eyes and that I had to discard all the acquired Lighthouse.

“Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others – especially as they become increasingly important to you…

…Differentiation involves balancing two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness. Individuality propels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identity. Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of others, to be part of the group. When these two life forces for individuality and togetherness are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, the result is a meaningful relationship that doesn’t deteriorate into emotional fusion. Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship.” – Passionate Marriage

Differentiation isn’t an easy process. I still struggle with it in my current relationships. It’s very easy for me to be swept up in making sure that someone else’s needs are being met, at the sacrifice of my own. It feels good to be needed… or does it?

So how do we become and stay differentiated? I don’t claim to have all the answers, or even the best answers. I’m still working through the process myself, and plan on writing more about it as I learn more and discover what it means for me to be differentiated. But what I’ve come up with so far includes:

* Build good self-esteem
* Spend time by yourself
* Spend time with your friends
* Set goals for yourself
* Practice good self care
* Practice self-validation and self-soothing
* Communicate your wants and desires without expectation.

“While differentiation allows us to set ourselves apart from others and determines how far apart we sit, it also opens the space for true togetherness. It’s about getting closer and more distinct – rather than more distant.” – Passionate Marriage

My romantic relationship with Johnny Seitan ended when I realized that the relationship I had created with him was not what I wanted. At the time, I didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew what I didn’t want. I broke things off and began creating and exploring my world with a new set of eyes. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I also learned about what I liked and didn’t like, what my boundaries were, what I wanted in a relationship, and who I wanted to be.

And while I still struggle with many things, the process is more of a pleasant journey of discovery rather than a desperate grasp at happiness.

“… what happens is that two people create a new alchemy. They interact upon each other and what takes place is not the leadership of one over the other, but the consequence of this interaction.” – Anais Nin

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Johnny Seitan, Lighthouse, authentic, character, communication, happiness, insight, intimacy, love, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being, win-win by Lighthouse
5 Comments »

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller

Z,

I thought maybe I would take some time while I was on my way to The Club to explain the nature of my relationship with Ex. I know that there is some confusion here and I want to clear that up as best I can. I want you to understand why I made the request I did… and I want you to understand my relationship with Ex.

I’ll just start from the beginning… 1) because it’s easier to start there and I feel like the nuances are important and 2) because I like reminiscing.

Ex asked me out one night at The Club years ago… I’d never really talked to him before. I said no at first… I was dating a few people at that time, and just thought I’d be too busy. But after a while, we ended up going out for coffee. We sat outside a coffee shop and just talked and talked. We ended up going back to his house and talking some more and I stayed the night with him. We had sex that first night… at that point in my life, I didn’t take sex as seriously as I do now so it didn’t really seem like a big deal. He explained to me that he wasn’t monogamous, and at that time, it didn’t bother me at all. I’d just gotten out of a long relationship so I wasn’t really looking to settle into anything with anyone.

It was 5 weeks after that first night together before he asked me out again. I’d sent him several emails, and had gotten no response. I was so mad when he finally asked me out.

We eventually did go out again… and we continued to go out about once every 2 weeks and I saw him in the interim at The Club, of course.

The first time I broke up with him, it was because I had fallen in love with him… and I thought that because he didn’t want to see me very often, that I liked him more than he liked me. I was wrong. A few weeks later at The Club, he gave me a set of CDs that he said explained how he felt about me. I decided to give our relationship another try.

The second time I broke up with him was shortly after I met PaulCreature… it was really just a coincidence because I didn’t know PaulCreature was interested in me at the time. I just couldn’t handle the lack of communication and the infrequency of our dates. I couldn’t accept that he loved me… even though he tried to reassure me that he did (in his own way). I eventually started dating PaulCreature and told Ex that I was involved with someone else (this is before I really understood that PaulCreature was polyamorous and what that meant for our relationship). Ex was visibly hurt when I told him.

Ex and I eventually started seeing each other again while I was dating PaulCreature… In the meantime, he’d met a girl named Payne and I could tell, he really liked her. One night, Ex and I were lying in bed talking and he said “I can’t be intimate with you anymore… it hurts Payne too much”. In a way, it was beautiful – that his heart was so connected to hers, that hurting her also hurt him. I understood – but I was also crushed.

We’ve stayed friends over the years. We always make *some* time for each other when I visit. Our relationship isn’t really sexual… it’s more friendship based – though we are both attracted to each other. We are both highly sensitive Creatures – and there’s a mutual trust that we won’t hurt each other – and that’s a rare quality. All these years our hearts have remained connected. We don’t talk very often but we don’t really need to. We leave each other little crumbs…

I really cherish my time with Ex. It’s rare and very special. So please, understand that by going home with him, it’s not because I want to start a sexual relationship with him… nor am I trying to confuse anything. It’s about spending time with him while he has it, while he’s in the mood for interacting with me, and in a place that he’s comfortable. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to him – he’s my stereotypical type – but it’s not the driving force in our relationship.

You asked what my goal was in this situation with Ex. My goal is to continue being close to him. We’re the same kind of Creature… So by going home with him – it’s not an ordinary “going home with a guy” thing. It’s a place where we can have space and time to be with each other. That’s my motivation. I know it sounds intimate, and it is… but it’s really just emotionally intimate.

****

Z, my relationship with you is one of the most important things in my life right now. I think about you all the time. I crave you. I look forward to all our interactions. I love the way you smell (as you already know . I love your sense of humor. I love your communication style. I love your sense of fairness. I love how kind and compassionate you are. I love how idealistic you are. I love that you want to make the world a better place. I love how you love to help. Your writing makes my mouth water! I want to integrate you into everything I can. I want you to succeed at whatever you’re interested in. I want to help you with anything I can. I want to be there for you. I want to be there with you. I’m fucking crazy about you!!

I don’t want my love for you to get lost in any confusion about my motivations or my goals. I am fighting my psychology and wedging my heart wide open… standing here as tall and open as I can.

Does any of this help you understand where I’m at and why I’m doing what I’m doing? I want it all to be clear and open. I want you to know me.

That’s all for now. I’m on my way to one of my favorite coffee shops to sit and have a cappuccino and send this to you before heading to the The Club… …And now, here I am finishing up my delicious cappuccino in a warm, artsy space where John Zorn is playing on the speakers, and everyone is bundled in scarves.

Looking forward to seeing you…

<3

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, PaulCreature, friends, honesty, intimacy, love, radical honesty by Lighthouse
4 Comments »