Sophisticated Relationships

The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear. ~Aung San Suu Kyi

 

 Recently a friend of mine commented that I’m usually pretty positive and I’m usually talking about all the things that I’m doing that help me make progress. He then asked the very incisive question:

What are you not doing? You talk a lot about things you’re working on to progress yourself. There must be something you’re not taking action toward which bothers you. What is it? Why aren’t you doing it?

The question got me thinking. I made a list of many things that I’m not doing that bother me on some level or another. Some of the things on the list include:

• Not doing weight resistant training to help with bone density
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”
• Forgiveness
• Expressing as much love as I feel

One thing I noticed, is that nothing on my list is something that someone else thinks I “should” do, and I feel bad about not doing. For me, this is an improvement. A friend of mine has this issue– in that she feels that if a guy pays for her on a date, she “should” have sex with him! And feels bad if she doesn’t. To me, this seems like stinkin’ thinkin, and that’s another story.

The other thing I noticed, is that everything that is on my list of things I’m not doing and feel bad about has something in common. At the root of my list, lies fear.

Fear is sometimes a natural and rational thing to feel. Especially when in danger, as the rather famous book The Gift of Fear talks about, the first few pages detail that rather well, and you can read it in the “Search inside the book” section. This is not the kind of fear I’m talking about.

My fear seems self created because of how I’m thinking about the situation, not because the situation itself holds any real danger or harm. I’m afraid to do these things, and on the other hand I feel bad about not doing them– it’s a no-win situation!

My fear is taking a toll on my happiness. I let my fear prevent me from being healthier and more fulfilled. I let my fear block a deeper connection with loved ones.  

If it were not for my friend’s tough question, I might have continued on in some kind of limbo between denial and fear, that makes moving through life feel dense. And if it weren’t for my openness to growth, I may have found his question offensive.

So what is it that I’m afraid of with each action that I am not taking?

• Not doing weight resistant training: Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”: Fear of responsibility and failure
• Forgiveness: Fear of what I will tell myself if it happens again
• Expressing as much love as I feel: Fear of getting hurt

If I hadn’t been asked this question, I wouldn’t be able to see some of the ways in which I’m holding myself back, because of the things I tell myself that make me afraid. Being able to examine the fear, helps me be able to respond to it, rather than react. 

My responses:

• Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more: I don’t have to do the movements that cause pain; Make an appointment with a physical therapist
• Fear of responsibility and failure: Responsible is part of who I want to be; “Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down” (Mary Pickford) 
• Fear of being hurt: Being hurt is a part of life, and growing my confidence and ability to take care of myself regardless of what others are doing, or the events in my life, will help be fear emotional pain less and forgiviness is good for the forgiver
• Fear of intimacy: I would regret more not giving my heart and it’s potential breakage than keeping it in a box to rot on its own

These are all things that have taking me a while to think about and work out for myself.  The conclusions work for me, and may not work for others. I did not arrive at them by myself, I had help thinking and feeling myself out of my captivating fear.

This ”help” piece is important.  Sometimes it is appropriate to ask for or accept outside help, and fear gets in our way of doing this– fear that we will not see ourselves the same if we ask for help, fear that others will not see us the same way, fear about what asking for help means.  And while there is some merit to trying to do things on your own, there is also merit to knowing when to seek a source outside oneself– while being able to screen that information against your own sense of truth.   

Had I not looked at what I was not doing and why, I would not have an opportunity to take action. The most difficult? Quitting my job and looking for a more appropriate one. I’m fortunate because my circumstances are helping my hand, and if they were not, I would help myself find a way to quit.

As I was looking for some help on the topic, I came across this PDF from Bill Pullen that asks three pertinent questions:

• What are you not doing because you are afraid?
• What does inaction cost you?
• What is one step you can take to get started?

I leave you with a quote from a friend of mine in college:

Fear is a creation that is used for control, and creating from fear, from non-reality, is what causes the world we exist in to become dense. ~Paige

Cheers,

Lexi.

Tags: Lexi, action, anxiety, competence, forgiveness, insight, love, relationship with self, self care by Lexi
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“If we cannot accept what is, where will we find the motivation to improve? If I deny and disown what is, how will I be inspired to grow?” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

I’ve been monitoring my moods very closely since starting to take anti-anxiety medications. I fill out a mood chart daily… the result being that I’m hyper aware of my thought patterns, my emotional state, my sleep patterns, and what triggers me.

I check in with Dr. Zzzz about once every 6-8 weeks to report any side effects or progress. During my most recent visit, I report that I’m noticing that my most difficult emotional “charges” happen primarily with one aspect of my life: relationships. In other aspects of my life, the emotions that I have are manageable. I am confident in my ability to do my job, in my ability to accomplish my goals, and in my general ability to move around in the world. But when I have trouble in a relationship, my mind begins to spin and things can quickly spiral out of control. I tell Dr. Zzzz that when the emotional swirl begins to happen, I notice it, pay attention to it, sit with it, and write my experience down. I tell her that I know it stems from not feeling good enough. I then tell her, proudly, that when these moments of spiraling happen, I focus on doing activities that help me feel good or better (exercise, making and/or working on goals, de-cluttering).

Dr. Zzzz then asks me “If you were going to describe to a friend how to focus on loving themselves more, what would you say to them?” I responded that I would tell my friend to do things that increased confidence in themselves. She then asked “What about trying on the idea that you are lovable even if you don’t accomplish any goals or exercise or keep things cluttered?”

And that’s when it hit me… I’m moving in the right direction by working on “confidence boosting activities”, but I am missing the entire point of self acceptance in that I am OK… whole… and lovable all the time. I’ve been handling my emotions by conquering them… what would happen if I stopped fighting so hard and accepted their existence?

“An attitude of basic self-acceptance [...] can inspire an individual to face whatever he or she most needs to encounter within without collapsing into self-hatred, repudiating the value of his or her person, or relinquishing the will to live. It entails the declaration: I choose to value myself, to treat myself with respect, to stand up for my right to exist. This primary act of self-affirmation is the base on which self-esteem develops.”

“It is the voice of the life force. It is “selfishness,” in the noblest meaning of that word. If it goes silent, self-esteem is the first casualty.” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Dr. Zzzz recommended a book called Radical Acceptance, which I immediately ordered and am looking forward to working through. I know there are many exercises one can do to cultivate self-acceptance. One of my favorites (and most difficult for me to do) is the Mirror Exercise.

The Mirror Exercise – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Stand in front of a full-length mirror and look at your face and body. Notice your feelings as you do so. Focus on YOU. Notice if this is difficult or makes you uncomfortable. It is good to do this exercise naked.

You will probably like some parts of what you see more than others. If you are like most people, you will find some parts difficult to look at for long because they agitate or displease you. In your eyes there may be a pain you do not want to confront. Perhaps you are too fat or too thin. Perhaps there is some aspect of your body you so dislike that you can hardly bear to keep looking at it. Perhaps you see signs of age and cannot bear to stay connected with the thoughts and emotions these signs evoke. So the impulse is to escape, to flee from awareness, to reject, deny , disown aspects of your self.

Still, as an experiment, I ask you to stay focused on your image in the mirror a few moments longer, and say to yourself, “Whatever my defects or imperfections, I accept myself unreservedly and completely.” Stay focused, breathe deeply, and say this over and over again for a minute or two without rushing the process. Allow yourself to experience fully the meaning of your words”

When clients commit to do this exercise for two minutes every morning and again every night for two weeks, they soon begin to experience the relationship between self-acceptance and self-esteem: a mind that honors sight honors itself. But more than that: How can self-esteem not suffer if we are in a rejecting relationship to our own physical being? Is it realistic to imagine we can love ourselves while despising what we see in the mirror?

They make another important discovery. Not only do they enter a more harmonious relationship with themselves, not only do they begin to grow in self-efficacy and self-respect, but if aspects of the self they do not like are within their power to change, they are more motivated to make the changes once they have accepted the facts as they are now.

We are not moved to change those things whose reality we deny.

And for those things we cannot change, when we accept them we grow stronger and more centered; when we curse and protest them, we disempower ourselves.

“It is our willingness to experience rather than to disown whatever may be the facts of our being at a particular moment – to think our thoughts, own our feelings, be present to the reality of our behavior.” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

It’s exciting to work and see the progress within myself as I grow stronger, more empowered, and happier over time. I love the idea of rewriting our inner code… growing to dialogue with ourselves in an honest, caring way and approaching our days with joy and gratitude.

“We can run not only from our dark side but also from our bright side – from anything that threatens to make us stand out or stand alone, or that calls for the awakening of the hero within us, or that asks that we break through to a higher level of consciousness and reach a higher ground of integrity. The greatest crime we commit against ourselves is not that we may deny and disown our shortcomings but that we deny and disown our greatness – because it frightens us.” – Nathanial Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, forgiveness, gratitude, insight, love, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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Love, in the classical definition, implies ownership. “I love you” – therefore I own you, I possess you. Personally, I am interested in freedom, and “love” for me means I respect you, I like you, I care for you, I am concerned for you. I would like to share my body, my energy, my time, my life with you. I wish to be your friend. -Jim Haynes

If I’m so independent, why do I need or want a man? As I discussed in my last post I can support myself, I have friends to enjoy things with and equality includes being able to have a child on my own or not at all. I clearly don’t need someone to complete me. I want someone to complement me.

Yellow is a whole and complete color on its own, so it blue. Together they make green– and when the lines blur, where yellow begins and blue ends becomes obscured. While this is fine for making colors, in a relationship not knowing where you end and the other person begins can have some unhealthy results, like the expectation of mind reading.

The article today is about my experience with balancing independence and being in a healthy relationship, maintaining my blue and his yellow. I’m learning that balance is something that needs recalibration every now and then. I avoided serious relationships because I felt I gave up too much independence. I had to look at my actions and feelings, I did not consider my own needs enough.

I come from a life-style where single-hood and casual relationships were the norm. My mother told me “Be sure you make his life easier.” I was able to do this without losing myself by sticking to casual relationships that did not require much interaction. I thought part of my role was to “make his life easier!” I did this by putting my own needs aside and staying silent. Being in a casual relationship where the amount of time I saw the person was appealing to me because it meant I could meet my own needs and make “his” life easier in the time I spent with “him.”

Making his life easier means many things. To me, it meant anticipating his needs and doing things for him before he asked, it meant not asking for what I wanted the relationship; it meant trying to be the perfect girlfriend, rather than being myself. Throw in the normal human response to not getting your needs met because you’re not talking about them, and you have a disaster.
As long as I did it part time, I still had time to be me when I wasn’t around “him.”

When a relationship went “serious” I would often panic and sabotage so that I could hold on to part of myself. Sometimes I would sabotage from the beginning of a relationship by choosing men who were planning to leave the city or explicitly did not want a serious relationship.

When I met my current boyfriend, he lived 1,300 miles away. It seemed like the “perfect” relationship. I’d get to do whatever I wanted in my city, and we’d see each other a couple times a month, where I could, be “perfect.” He “ruined” my plans when he moved to Los Angeles.

Fortunately for both of us, I had friends rooting for this relationship and me staying in it to work through my fears. I also had been learning a lot about relationships in school. Between those things and some other events, I realized that I had put former boyfriends, including this one on a pedestal.

If I wanted an honest relationship with him, I’d have to take him off the proverbial pedestal, stop being “perfect,” start being me and including more of myself in the relationship.

I’ve talked about this with friends too, and based on our experiences, here is what seems helpful in balancing independence and a healthy relationship:

1. Communication. This includes disagreement and realizing a disagreement is not the end of the world, or the relationship. If you make plans, tell them. If you make plans that you’d like to include them on, tell them. Maybe create a joint calendar.

2. Remembering I always have a choice. Choices have consequences. What kind of relationship do I want? What am I doing to get that? What am I doing that prevents that?

3. Be free from resentment. Being independent isn’t so much about what the other person does or says, but how you treat yourself. If you don’t take responsibility for your needs, they will remain unsatisfied.

a) Asking for what you need and want can help prevent resentment of self. Whether or not the other person is able to meet your needs is less important than the message you give yourself when you ask. By asking, you give yourself the message that your needs matter enough to voice them. As a wise friend said: “Woman or man, injured or whole, in the end we are the only person who knows what we need.”

b) Accept that other person has limitations. No one is perfect. If you’ve voiced your needs and the other person is unable to meet them, accepting their limitations will ward of resenting them.

c) Meet your own needs. If you are unwilling to ask for what you want or the other person is unable to meet your needs. It is your responsibility to get your needs met.

d) Honor your agreements to yourself and your partner. Follow through is important, as behaviorally it gives the message that what you say can be counted on. While people do slip up now and then, it is no big deal. If a person is inconsistently reliable often enough, it too contributes to the development of resentment.

4. Stay in touch with friends and maintain your own hobbies. This helps remind you (and everyone else) that you exist outside of the relationship. It contributes to maintaining independence.

5. Listen to your own feelings and the other persons. Often times feeling heard is the path to diffusing uncomfortable feelings. If you aren’t respecting your own feelings, the other person doesn’t have the chance to. If you aren’t listening to the other person’s feelings, this can escalate a situation. Getting this balance takes communication.

6. Forgive and Apologize. People make mistakes. Welcome to being human. Balancing independence with a healthy relationship takes some trial and error. Because no two people are exactly alike, no two relationships will balance the same way. Toe stepping is inevitable. Be prepared to forgive someone and sincerely apologize.

7. Be flexible. Sometimes you will think you are okay with something and you are not. Sometimes this will happen to your partner. People are notoriously bad at predicting the things that will make them happy. Be willing to talk about it, and maybe change something.

8. Recognize that you are different people. Your idea of independence may mean going out with friends while his is playing video games. You don’t have to like everything that the other one does, nor do you have to do everything with the other person.

9. Open to growth. People change over time. Avoid “frozen images,” where you get an idea of who someone is and then lock them into that idea, by assuming they have stayed the same rather than being open to the idea that they have changed.

10. Recognize your own worth. It will make 1-9 a lot easier.

I will leave you with one of my favorite stories about relationships. “The Missing Piece” by Shel Silverstein.

Until next time,

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, communication, expectations, forgiveness, friends, honesty, insight by Lexi
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“I am not my past; I am a person capable of repenting, changing, and turning away from past patterns of behavior. You are not your past; you are equally free to change if you accept the freedom that is within you. To affirm that freedom is the first step of forgiveness.” – David Augsburger

I have old hurts that I can’t seem to let go of. It prevents me from being close to people that I want to be close with. PaulCreature and I had a misunderstanding at the beginning of our relationship … and I can’t seem to let go of it. This misunderstanding causes mistrust, anger, and resentment on my part… which obviously gets in the way of us being emotionally intimate. I’ve said that I forgive him and myself. I desperately want to move on and accept that it was just a misunderstanding, but somehow it keeps coming up… manifesting in all sorts of ugly ways.

It’s very common that one person will do something that causes another pain… People drop each other from each other’s lives all the time, and I have to wonder… is it really necessary? Can we really not work it out? How do we forgive past hurts? And I mean, *really* let go of them.

I took the Landmark Forum several years ago and learned some very valuable lessons. Part of what they teach is how to clear out the things in our past that weigh us down to make room for creating new possibilities in our future.

“…we are given a technology for putting the past where it belongs – in the past. We begin to design our lives as a free and authentic expression – from what is possible, rather than what has been. Unencumbered by the past, we experience a greater level of vitality, well-being, and fun, and are able to enjoy a newfound sense of connection and intimacy with the people in our lives.” – Landmark Forum Curriculum

One of the exercises we were asked to do was to think of three interactions we’d had with people that were unresolved and still weighing us down. The next step was to to CALL those people and resolve the issue. By resolve, it didn’t mean that friendships had to be rekindled, or that everything was suddenly going to be ok again, but rather that you took responsibility for your portion of the situation and created a possibility of a new future of peace with that person.

The most difficult phone call for me, by far, was to The Monkin. She and I had been best friends for over a year… and then we had a falling out. We spent almost a year not speaking to and actively avoiding each other. I was so scared when I called her, that my knees buckled. I apologized for my behavior in the breaking of our friendship and explained to her that I wanted to create the possibility for there to be peace between us. I wasn’t interested in re-establishing a friendship, but I did want to be able to be in the same room and not feel uncomfortable saying hello. She wasn’t very receptive to my call (to be fair, I called her out of the blue almost a year after our friendship had broken apart). However, years later, she saw me at a conference and behaved very cordially, even giving me a hug.

Following each phone call, I felt an enormous sense of relief and lightness. I had taken responsibility for my part in each conflict and created the possibility for healing each situation. The freedom was incredibly empowering.

After a while, the anger and hurt that we experience when we are “wronged” just doesn’t feel good and it’s important to do something about that. Negative emotions affect our physical and emotional health. We don’t have a choice about how other people behave, however we do have a choice in how we respond in a situation.

In researching many different sources on how to let go of past hurts, I’ve narrowed it down to the following steps:

1. Clarify what it is exactly that you are angry/hurt/upset about.
2. Decide what your goals are. “Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that upset you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace.” – LearningToForgive.com.
3. Whenever you feel upset, practice good self-care.
4. Actively work towards the goals that you decided on in step 2 and put your energy into looking for positive ways to get those goals met.
5. Focus on the love, beauty and kindness around you. Be grateful for the things that you have.

It’s not easy to let go of things that cause us pain. But I know that in my circumstance, it is detrimental to my relationships with others, and it is especially detrimental to my relationship with PaulCreature… and I desperately want the emotional intimacy that comes with an open and undefended heart.

“… as long as we are unable to forgive, we keep ourselves chained to the unforgiven. We give them rent-free space in our minds, emotional shackles on our hearts, and the right to torment us in the small hours of the night.” – CoachVille.com

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, PaulCreature, action, communication, forgiveness, gratitude, happiness by Lighthouse
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