Sophisticated Relationships

There is a ton of research out there that suggests having an attitude of gratitude is good for you.  Some people are concerned that if you are grateful for someone or something, then that means you are indebted.  However, researchers have “argued that gratitude is conceptually distinct from indebtedness, based on its having the opposite affective tone. People experience indebtedness as a negative, unpleasant state, whereas gratitude is a pleasant state.” And I agree with them.

Thank you notes and gratitude letters acknowledge another person’s actions.  Thank you notes are short, and usually about discreet instances, such as a gift or a interview.  Gratitude letters are longer, and usually recognize multiple ways in which you are thankful for this person in your life.

A gratitude letter is an acknowledgment that someone’s role in your life is not just as a supporting actor, but as a distinct and separate person that is taking time from their lives to do something that helps you.  It is taking that person into consideration as something other than a means to your self actualization.  It is letting them know they matter, they are appreciated and that they are seen.  It may contribute to their sense of significance by letting them know how they affected you.

To get in the frame of mind to write your gratitude letter, start with the Peter Levine’s ‘felt sense of comfort’ exercise.  Then think of a person that positively impacted your life.  What might they have had to give up to help you?  What ways have their actions may have served as examples for how you want to live? Did they have to do what they did for you?  As you are thinking about what you are grateful for about this person, notice the feelings that might be coming up for you.

Now you are ready to write your letter.  If you’re having a hard time thinking of the wording, here are some sentence suggestions:

• I appreciate you because . . .

• When you did X for me, I felt (in case you need a feeling thesaurus: feelings you might have when your needs are met, another link to feeling words)

• When you did X for me, it meant that I could now do _____, and because of that my life is (positive adjectives)

• When I saw/heard that you did X, it told me that you were a (positive adjective) person. I felt ___, knowing that you were in the world.

Tags: Lexi, Personal Growth Activity, gratitude, rituals, win-win by Lexi
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“When the breath wanders the mind also is unsteady. But when the breath is calmed the mind too will be still…” – Svatmarama, Hatha Yoga Pradipika

Recently, some friends asked me to teach a weekly yoga class. Of course I jumped at the opportunity. Teaching yoga is a great way to spend time with friends (it’s wondrously introspection inducing) and I knew that teaching would greatly improve my own yoga practice (which, after only 2 weeks, it has!). One of the most important aspects of yoga is pranayama: the conscious regulation of the breath.

We are in a hurry so much of the time, always trying to get to the next place or working on crossing things off of our lists. In addition, our need for physical activity is reduced because of modern technology and automation. Our breathing patterns mimic our life patterns and we can develop unhealthy breathing habits without being aware of it.

When we’re stressed, our breath tends to be fast and shallow. In response to various tensions, we hunch our bodies, slouch, or curl into balls, and over time, our breathing becomes habitually restricted. Breathing consciously can help open our chests, improving our posture and our stress levels.

“Several researchers have reported that pranayama techniques are beneficial in treating a range of stress related disorders, improving autonomic functions, relieving symptoms of asthma, and reducing signs of oxidative stress. Practitioners report that the practice of pranayama develops a steady mind, strong will-power, and sound judgement, and also claim that sustained pranayama practice extends life and enhances perception.” – Wikipedia

The ultimate aim of pranayama is to focus the mind, leading towards personal reintegration. When you practice pranayama, you are deliberately changing your normal breathing patterns. The change in breathing patterns changes your state of mind and reduces the mental disturbances. As a result, your thoughts become clearer and your understanding of yourself is enhanced. As your mind becomes more fully absorbed in the observation of the breathing process, the character of the breath tends to change involuntarily. In other words, your breath changes simply by you becoming aware of it.

Some of the benefits of pranayama include:

• Better focus and concentration
• Increased lung capacity
• Better emotional control
• Stress reduction
• Reducing insomnia

If you’ve never done any breathing exercises before, here is an easy way to start:

1. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Sitting is recommended so that you don’t fall asleep.
2. Become conscious of your breath. Don’t try and regulate it. Simply remain aware of the quality of the breath – the inhale, exhale, and the pauses between the two. Don’t try and change anything… merely focus on the present nature of your breath.
3. After several minutes, start breathing in and out through your nose. Breathe into the stomach and then out from the stomach. Try to make the exhalations longer than the inhalations.
4. Now try inhaling first into the chest and then into the lower stomach. Then exhale and fully remove the air first from your stomach and then from you chest. Remove all the air that can comfortably be expelled from the lungs before inhaling again.

A fun visual component to add to the exercise is to imagine all of your unwanted emotions being pushed through a fire in your belly. The breath helps to push the unwanted emotions through the fire and expel the residue.

“According to the yoga texts, ‘fire’ (agni) exists inside our bodies near the navel. The impurities settle below that, in the abdominal area called apana. This fire burns impurities, and our breath affects the quality of the flame. Furthermore, breath regulates the flow of impurities toward the fire for burning, and away from it in order to leave the body.” – A.G. Mohan, Yoga for Body, Breath, and Mind – A Guide to Personal Reintegration

Like anything, when we practice something consciously, the body begins to memorize the activity and we integrate it into our unconscious selves. Try sitting up straighter, or walking taller and see how that affects the state of your breath, your mind, and consequently, your life.

Have any of you experimented with breath/breathing techniques?  What have you experienced (positive or negative)?

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” – Buddhist Proverb

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, anxiety, breathing, relationship with self, rituals, self care, well-being by Lighthouse
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“Tradition is a guide and not a jailer.”

-William Somerset Maugham

The holidays are often ripe with family rituals and traditions, no matter where your family is from. Rituals are one way for a family to create a sense of a stable environment and convey identity while including all of the members.

Rituals are things that families do together and are symbolic communication that influence the creation of the identity of the individuals that make up that family, whether the individuals are conscious of it or not. Even when a member is intentionally excluded, that exclusion is necessary for the family to maintain a level of homeostasis, which means they are included just not in a way that feels good. There are many ways for rituals to come about, from a repeated activity that takes on symbolic meaning, something that has been passed done from generation to generation, to something that is consciously created. They come from family traditions, family celebrations of patterned family interactions.

Some examples of the happy rituals include: the family that, for generations, has allowed the children to open one present on Christmas Eve; the family that always cuts the turkey in half before putting it in the oven; a few times a month waking up early and sipping coffee together while reconnecting; celebrating a new year; going to the restaurant of your first date with your current partner every anniversary; every odd Friday, hosting a gathering of close friends and family.

Some rituals can make us feel less than, or diminished. For example, the mother who quizzes her child on what he ate everytime she does not see him eat and chastises him; or the father who always calls his wife whenever she goes out with friends to say that he’s started drinking and she has to come home to care for the children.

That father is creating a ritual that identifies him as the one that holds the power in that family, that says that his wifes needs are unimportant and that it is okay to disconnect from his child and put his child’s safety at risk because mom will be there to “take care of it.” It is a ritual that shows his wife her place in the family: at home with the sole identity of home-body mother. It is a ritual, though dreaded, that let’s her know she is a necessary part of that family. It is a ritual that quells his anxiety.

If he stopped drinking when she left, there would be no need to call her. She might feel less important. If he stopped drinking while she was gone, he might have a lot of anxiety come up over not knowing how to be a dad, or over what she is doing. If she stops coming home, she runs the very real risk of failing to protect her child from harm.

Changing a ritual has the power to change the dynamics of a family or group. For example, if a family always gets together at a certain time of year, and then suddenly they stop for a long time, it can change how the family member relate to each other. It may loosen family ties so much so that family members loose touch, or the members who value the ritual of gathering may create something else to maintain the benefits of the previous ritual. On the other hand changing a ritual or creating one can bring a family closer together or maintain a level of closeness. Rituals can instruct behavior, for example the ritual of a parent singing to his young child a song about washing ones hand before eating.

A rich example of a healthy co-created ritual, and how it developed comes from my friend Jonathan, over at The Soul of Biotech. I love to hear Jonathan’s stories, so I asked him if he could tell a story of his favorite family ritual for Sophisticated Relationships. Jonathan writes:

In the Jewish tradition, after a boy is Bar Mitzvah’ed, he’s expected to participate in the ritual Yom Kippur fast. The fast lasts 25 hours, from sundown to one hour past sundown. It seemed impossible at 13, but after years of practice, it’s no big deal.

The first year that my father and I were going to go together, my mom dropped us off for Kol Nidre (the most important part). Once we’d had our fill of prayers, my father and I took a walk. That year, I asked him a simple question: “What was your life like before I was born?” And over the next 2-3 hours, we walked through the neighborhoods of Newton while he told me the autobiography of his life. Stories of almost drowning his little brother in the swamp near his house in Jerusalem. Almost taking his neighbor’s eye out with a little gun made out of wood and rubber bands. His other girlfriend before Mom. Everything.

Each year after that ended up being similar: Mom dropped us off. We’d pray for the most important parts, then look at each other, say ready?” and leave. We’d walk around and have a long deep heart-to-heart about everything. What I wanted to do when I “grew up,” whether or not I should break up with girlfriend, et cetera.

We missed a year or two recently with me now living on the West Coast, and we realized last year how much we enjoy them and miss them. So now, we “officially” decided to make sure to spend every Yom Kippur together, flying to the same city if necessary, to make sure that we still go together, and still take a walk together, no matter what.

I love Jonathan’s ritual with his father because it has many elements of what make a healthy, life-enhancing ritual. It is a ritual that affirms a close relationship between family members. There is a sense of encouragement for curiosity and openness about each others lives. A sense of belonging is fostered by this ritual. This is something they both enjoy and co-created together, indicating a sense of mutual respect. It has a consistent time that it happens. For Jonathan, this ritual represents a part of him that loves and admires his father, that is willing to be influenced by his father, and who finds it more important to be close with his family than it is to be Jewish.

How to Create Great Rituals for Holidays & Everydays

That is one of many wonderful rituals that exist. What are some of the rituals in your family or close relationships that you would like to continue? What do they mean for you? What are some rituals that you’d like to start in your family or close relationships? How would you hope they change your relationship and sense of self?

Lexi*

 

 

 

 

Tags: Lexi, communication, family, friends, rituals by Lexi
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