Sophisticated Relationships

“Womanhood is a whole different thing from girlhood. Girlhood is a gift . . . Womanhood is a choice.” ~ Tori Amos

I’ve been a little behind in writing for my blog, and I had not focused on anything inspiring. This morning, I checked my inbox, and got my wish for inspiration. My friend Jonathan linked me to Steve Pavlina’s article, How to Be a Man, which contained within a challenge to write an article “How to Be A Woman” I had inspiration.

In writing my essay, I focused on what being a woman meant to me, and while I write to “you” it is mostly to myself.  I don’t think this list is going to be a good match for everyone, so instead I wrote a piece to the part of me that is a woman open to her more feminine side.

1. The Relationship with You comes first

Women value relationships. Historically, women are the glue of family and social networks– it was valuable for women to build them so if their partner should be unable to care for them, others in their network could pick up the slack.

Women tend to value cooperation and do well when supported by and are supporting their social and familiar networks. This involves being in tuned with the needs of others and nurturing relationships with others.

However, the relationship with you comes above all other relationships. While it is very natural for women to work on their relationships with friends, their partner, their children or parents, it is also important to keep the self in perspective, to be kind and compassionate, starting with self.

Being conscious of who you are and what you want, and being confident that you also deserve the kindness and compassion from yourself that you show others is integral to a good realtionship with yourself.  Honoring who you are, your values and feeling proud of your identity and knowing how to take care of yourself is another part of this relationship.

Taking care of yourself physically may mean taking self-defense courses, taking care of your body through good diet and exercise, not through fad or crash diets. Financial self-care means knowing how to make a budget and manage money. Taking care of yourself emotionally is how you value yourself in relationship to your actions and relationships.

Rarely, it is worth taking care of others before caring for yourself– especially if it is a part of who you are.

The other reason this is important is because if you don’t take care of your self well enough, it makes it hard to take care of other people well enough.

2. Give from a place of Self-Fullness

Being able to give to others is a wonderful feeling, and something that many women are good at and enjoy doing, especially in a relationship with a man. While many women enjoy giving and helping others, sometimes they over give to the point of harm to the self, the relationship or the other person.

The harm to self may be physical, emotional, financial, or harm to their self-respect because sacrificing self fills another need. Perhaps it is the need to be liked or loved, to feel like a good person etc, or meet a cultural value and that is giving from a place of need or emptiness in the hope that giving will “fill one up.”

The harm to the relationship may come when a woman gives too much too soon or helping when help was not asked for. When you find yourself doing a lot for a new person in your life, something that you wouldn’t do for a good friend of a few years, you may be doing too much for them.  Or hurting them or making them feel uncomfortable in the process.

Over investing your time and energy in someone you don’t know well signals that you don’t value your time, and teaches them not to value it either. It would be helpful to look at why you are doing so much for them. If help was not asked for, you run the risk of resenting the person you are helping for not being grateful, or they will resent you for smothering them.  Or they may feel uncomfortable with what you are doing for them.   Is giving about making you feel a certain way or them?

Giving to oneself comes before all others so that when one gives to others, one can do it from a place of love and fullness, and be able to let go of the outcome of that giving. The giving is not from a place of need fulfillment, because you are already fulfilled.

3. Ask for what you need or want

Other people are not mind readers and you are not a martyr.

Being able to ask for what you need or want, is a sign that you have a good relationship with yourself– you know yourself well enough to know what needs you have that are not being met and asking for it signals that you value yourself and others.

Asking for what you want does not mean you will get what you want.  The point is not the outcome.  The point is being an active participant in your own life, respecting your values and needs, the act of cherishing your heart.

Asking for what you need or want may include telling others when they are doing something that is hurtful or upsetting to you– in the form of “When you do ___, I feel ___” this again, is a signal that you cherish your heart and gives others the choice of changing their behavior, or not. If not, you may add what you will do if a behavior does not stop. Then, be sure that you do it. It doesn’t require any bitchyness at all.

Asking for what you want includes acknowledging that you are also a sexual being and asking for what you want and need sexually.  You’ve lived in your body since you were born, and have been the one person with access to your particular turn-ons, mood-makers, and physical stimuli that make you go crazy (in a good way!) Tell your partner what these are – he or she can’t be expected to guess at which particular way you like to be stimulated (mentally and physically) from all the myriad potential options

Be prepared to get what you want and don’t hold it against others for giving it to you.

4. Receive with Grace

As often as women give to each other, you would think it would be easy to receive.

For some it is easy to receive and accept the good will and love of others for them, not because they are entitled to it, but because they deserve the gifts of others affection, whether material or emotional.

For others, especially those that may not have a good relationship with self, it may be difficult to acknowledge that one does deserve kindness from others because one may not yet cherish oneself as much as another does– thus making it difficult to receive kindness without shame.

A woman who is able to receive graciously will feel honored but not indebted for kindness behind the action or gift or sentiment.

A man’s desire to do this does not mean she need to accept it– simply accept the love behind the gesture graciously and ask for what she wants or needs.

Every gift, hug, or sign of genuine affection is an honor to receive not an expectation.

5. Do not acknowledge the trivial pettiness of others

What you focus on grows. If others are being petty or if you are obsessing about a problem, you are spending your valuable time and energy on something that probably won’t matter given enough time. Shift your focus to solutions and things that bring you joy.

6. Feel your Feelings

One of the blessings is that women have more freedom in this society to feel their feelings in a social context. Feeling deeply means you are alive and human.  Knowing your feelings is one of the ways that women stay in touch with themselves. Feeling your feelings does not always mean acting on them, simply acknowledging them and not judging yourself for what you are feeling. Our feelings are our guideposts for what we want and who we are in life.

7. Enjoy other Women, Enjoy Yourself

There is something very healing about being with other women you can trust and feel at home with. Women can give to each other things that men cannot give to us.  Just like men hanging out with other men is good for them too.

When we bond with other women, we can relate to each other in another way– there is a strong sense of closeness you can have with other women without it being sexual. Women are smart, funny, charming, kind, giving, intellectual, thoughtful people. Taking a moment to enjoy women means taking a moment to enjoy yourself as a woman.

Are their hardships that men don’t face? Of course. There are also many joys women experience because of being a woman than men cannot. What those joys are is up to individual to determine.

Women have more freedom in the roles they can choose than men and still be thought of as feminine, where as many men are culturally limited in the family roles they can choose and still be considered men. For example, culturally we do no respect the male kindergarten teacher, despite ~200 years ago most teachers were male only.

8. Value other Women

Too often women look down on other women for making life choices different from theirs. Feminism was supposed to help us have more choices, so that we could get out of abusive marriages and have more ability to pursue our lives as individuals, or in mutually fulfilling relationships and have opportunities to contribute to our society and surroundings in ways that men are able to.

However, sometimes it seems like feminism has divided those who choose to or must work from those who choose to or are able to stay at home.  Some women who choose careers look down on women who choose to be stay at home moms, or vice versa. Neither choice is wrong. Each woman feels fulfilled differently and it is more useful to support each other in our individual needs than to criticize each other for honoring ourselves, even if that means leading a non-traditional life.

Additionally, value their relationships with their men.  If you meet a man who is troubled in his marriage, do not add to the trouble by becoming sexually or romantically involved with him– you deserve someone who is able to enter an honest and open relationship with you.  You show that you value other women, and yourself when stay out of it.

9. Only be romantically involved with men whom you respect

Romantic involvement is not the same as sex, but often tied to it.  Romantic involvment invovles opening your heart and connecting on a higher level than lust and infatuation.  However, often for women, “just sex” leads the heart into places where it may not have gone.  If you choose to have sex without love, be sure you can truly disconnect the two and not be attached to the outcome.

Being with a man you respect means you have confidence in his ability to make decisions for himself, even if they are not the decisions you would make. You know he is a man because he has proven to you through his actions that he is responsible for what he does.

When a man is worthy of respect, it is easy to follow his lead, not because you are abdicating yourself to him, but because it is enjoyable to be led by him.

Respecting a man means when you do for him, you do from a place of self-fullness. You respect him and want to give him the best of you that means treating yourself well so that when you are together, the time is of high quality.  This may mean making time for you to be away from him.

A man who is worthy of your respect is also a man who will care for you when you are down, who is capable of and willing to cherish your heart and self.  A man who is worthy of respect will do kind things for you because it pleases him to please you, not because he thinks it will make you love him.

You cannot respect someone you do not know. You may feel inspired to respect him, but this is different from actually knowing him, witnessing that he walks his talk, like a man.

Some men and women confuse fear and respect. Fear means you are kind to a person or do as they wish because you fear the consequences of not doing so. Some confuse a controlling man for a man worthy of respect.  If you allow yourself to be controlled by a man, it may look like a form of respect but is an abdication of your cherished heart and adult self to another, you do not have a good relationship with yourself if you do this.

10. Rejoice in the Differences Recognize the Commonalities

Everybody is different. Men and women are different. And of course we all have overlapping similarities.  The combination of similarities and differences is a factor in our attraction to each other.  Our differences are not something to be scorned or hated.  Our differences do not make us better or worse.  They make us different, and complementary.

~~~~

That was my approach to being a feminine woman.  What’s is yours?  Guys, what makes a woman feminine to you?

With love and respect,

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, Uncategorized, character, communication, competence, expectations, family, friends, insight by Lexi
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“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.”

-Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

Last week I said, “We are all born into some kind of mess for which we are not responsible, and if we want something different, we must become responsible for making that happen.” In order to have a healthier relationship with others, and myself I’ve decided it is time for to walk my talk and work on a mess that has nagged me for years.

Essentially, I have a little gremlin on my shoulder constantly nagging me about my appearance. While appearance is important to a degree, the degree my gremlin nags me is irrational and unacceptable.

At 5′8″, I have weighed between 115 and 155 pounds. At any weight, I would look in the mirror and see myself as a huge beast. I would hone in on areas that had fat (as they should) and upset myself because I was not thin “enough”. Usually the lighter I was, the more I would obsess. I have no realistic desire to weigh less than 125lbs again, anything less than that is unhealthy for my frame.

I was not willing to starve myself to be “perfect”, nor was I willing to binge or purge because I was also interested in being healthy. For several years, I hit the gym six days a week. Many people complemented me on my physique; it didn’t count, because I didn’t see it.  While I was smaller, because muscle weighs more than fat, I still felt fat.

Eventually I would give up the healthier lifestyle.  I would get tired of always working at looking better, and not seeing any results.  I would give in to eating more, eating poorly, and not exercising. Eventually I would start again, when I was tired of being heavier and less healthy than I would prefer.

Over the last two years, I tried again, and started to appreciate my results.

Ten months ago I had been consistently eating well and excercising regularly for a while.  Then I, or maybe my gremlin, became hyper-focused on other things. My hairline? Was my hair getting thinner? My skin, was that a new blemish? Was I wrinkling? My nose, perhaps it was swollen on one side, was it getting bigger? This last one was somewhat of a wake-up call, as up until then I perceived my nose as one of my better features.  These kinds of thoughts are not ones I share often; I tend to keep them to myself. 

Another irrational thought that I managed to put to rest a while ago was that other people were lying to my when they complimented me.  At some point, I chalked it up to their lack of standards.  While I no longer think either of those things now, reassurance from other people does not actually shift my self-perception. 

Then I stressed out in March and gave myself a “break” and many excuses as to why I could stop eating well and exercising regularly. I gained weight, and stopped obsessing on my other perceived appearance issues, which was interesting, and went back to obsessing on weight being the primary one. By October, I started encouraging healthy habits in myself, again.

I’ve noticed a pattern over the years– no matter what, I don’t like how I look more often than I appreciate or like it. At any point in time when I looked at pictures of my past self, my present self sees them as better looking than I remember feeling. Although I remember feeling as bad about myself then as I do.  This was a clue into my pattern.

The relatively recent beliefs that other things were wrong with my appearance when I was okay with my weight was another wake-up call.  I would obsess on my skin, and check in the mirror to make sure nothing had gotten worse. I looked at every photo someone took of me so that I can veto it if I think I look too ugly. I spent $6,000 dollars on a dermatologist to fix my rosacea.  After everything was done, I still sometimes cannot perceive a difference in my skin.  Yet others can. I had a mole removed on my arm that was not particularly noticeable. If I have acne, or a perceived blemish, I pick at it, increasing the likelihood of scarring or infection!  I actually feel embarrassed talking about my inner irrational beliefs.

I recently helped some friends with a conference.  I was on stage in front of an audience and a camera.  My thoughts were dominated by my gremlin.  How did I looked on film, what was the camera noticing? Was my hair a mess? Did it see my pooch? Was my skin red? Could it see that zit on my chin? Was my skin too shiny? Was my posture good enough?

I know at some point in my life, I want to do public speaking, and if I have that noise in my head, it will affect my ability to convey my messages. I didn’t have this problem in improv, because it was a small class, not a big audience.

Some things that have prevented me from being totally debilitated are: I believe that well groomed trumps ugly. I don’t care (often) what other people think of me. Some guys are not that picky when it comes to looks.  I would remind myself that I do not have the ability to judge my own appearance accurately.  I would focus on healthy as more important than underweight.  I would remind myself that my friends value character over appearance and would be honest with me (one of the virtues of hanging with a technical crowd).  I don’t have to live up to society’s standards.  I know that some of my beautiful friends think they are less than too.  I know that among millions of women and men, I’m not alone in my lack of appreciation for my body when it is healthy.

Where did this irrational way of thinking come from? A tiny bit from some of the very strict rules the media and society has over what is considered beautiful that leaked in before I could think rationally. More importantly, my mother was a huge influence.

Growing up as a child, my mother was always thin, youthful in appearance and well groomed. She dressed to impress men.  She constantly asked my younger sister and me if she was fat, or if she looked old. Even now, at nearly sixty, she doesn’t look a day over forty-six and a half.  She has stopped asking.

I was always extremely effortlessly rail-thin as a kid, and my sister was a cute baby-fat kid, but not actually an overweight child.  I looked at childhood pictures last night, and my sister was a normal looking kid.

Unfortunately, because of whatever demons haunted my mother, she would pick on my sister’s eating habits.  This heavily skewed my sister’s perception of herself.

While my sister got the brunt of it, both our perceptions of reality were skewed. For me a child who did not see my mother or sister as fat, I was constantly being told my perception was wrong.  This reinforcement from an authority figure damaged my ability to think of my body in a healthy way. 

The good news is this is not as bad as it could be.  The better news is I can change this.

I’ve been passively fighting this skew in my perception of reality most of my life.  I blamed my mother for it.  I forgive her now, realizing she did the best she could. 

I realize that while my life would be easier if not for this inter-generational transmission from my mother, it is solely my responsibility to help myself, regardless of what my mother does.  Taking ownership feels more active. 

My goals are:

1. Help my inner gremlin be a helpful rather than hurtful
2. To replace or eradicate my behavior of picking at blemishes
3. To appreciate my body, rather than criticize it.

 

The first step for me has already been taken, acknowledging that a part of my inner world is in need of recalibration.  This is something that I need to work on, as I improve my diet, exercise levels, and other markers of good health.  If I do not work on my inner-self, I will continue the pattern of being healthy, giving up, and becoming unhealthy.  Rinse and repeat. 

The next step for me is to have a very frank conversation with my mother, telling her that I don’t want to talk about appearance with her anymore.  When the topic is broached, to remind myself, it is not issue.  I’m fortunate in that this does not come up often any more and that I can have a conversation like this with my mother, not everyone can. 

Another is to stop picking at my skin.  I asked the dermatologist if he had any suggestions, and his solution was to put me on Wellbutrin.  I was suprised he didn’t just say something easier said than done, like stop it!

I declined the perscription.  Instead I used the idea of wellbutrin and my lack of desire to take it to help reduce the amount of picking that I did.  When I felt the impulse to pick, I would remind myself of wellbutrin, and then often I would do something else instead.

I recently remembered that giving people alternative behaviors to choose from when they wanted to reduce an undesirable behavior was sometimes helpful, so I decided my alternative behavior would be to floss my teeth.  I may add more.

I don’t know how to effectively create a helpful gremlin so I will educate myself with some books on the topic.  The first one I will read is Feeling Good About the Way You Look, if that is not enough I will read The Broken Mirror.

In addition, I will also seek therapy on this specific issue.  I know that is something that works for me.  Research shows that Cognitive Behavioral Therapies are most effective with this cluster of symptoms.

I am also curious about the readers of Sophisticated Relationships who have had similar issues.  How did you get there?  Where are you now?  What has helped you?  What has not? 

I know I won’t “fix” this overnight.  It will take some time, and patience with myself.  I do know that I will be able to have a more realistic relationship with myself.  I hope for a closer relationship with others– especially without all the chatter from gremlin.  This is a process.

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, action, expectations, family, happiness, honesty, intimacy, relationship with self by Lexi
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“Tradition is a guide and not a jailer.”

-William Somerset Maugham

The holidays are often ripe with family rituals and traditions, no matter where your family is from. Rituals are one way for a family to create a sense of a stable environment and convey identity while including all of the members.

Rituals are things that families do together and are symbolic communication that influence the creation of the identity of the individuals that make up that family, whether the individuals are conscious of it or not. Even when a member is intentionally excluded, that exclusion is necessary for the family to maintain a level of homeostasis, which means they are included just not in a way that feels good. There are many ways for rituals to come about, from a repeated activity that takes on symbolic meaning, something that has been passed done from generation to generation, to something that is consciously created. They come from family traditions, family celebrations of patterned family interactions.

Some examples of the happy rituals include: the family that, for generations, has allowed the children to open one present on Christmas Eve; the family that always cuts the turkey in half before putting it in the oven; a few times a month waking up early and sipping coffee together while reconnecting; celebrating a new year; going to the restaurant of your first date with your current partner every anniversary; every odd Friday, hosting a gathering of close friends and family.

Some rituals can make us feel less than, or diminished. For example, the mother who quizzes her child on what he ate everytime she does not see him eat and chastises him; or the father who always calls his wife whenever she goes out with friends to say that he’s started drinking and she has to come home to care for the children.

That father is creating a ritual that identifies him as the one that holds the power in that family, that says that his wifes needs are unimportant and that it is okay to disconnect from his child and put his child’s safety at risk because mom will be there to “take care of it.” It is a ritual that shows his wife her place in the family: at home with the sole identity of home-body mother. It is a ritual, though dreaded, that let’s her know she is a necessary part of that family. It is a ritual that quells his anxiety.

If he stopped drinking when she left, there would be no need to call her. She might feel less important. If he stopped drinking while she was gone, he might have a lot of anxiety come up over not knowing how to be a dad, or over what she is doing. If she stops coming home, she runs the very real risk of failing to protect her child from harm.

Changing a ritual has the power to change the dynamics of a family or group. For example, if a family always gets together at a certain time of year, and then suddenly they stop for a long time, it can change how the family member relate to each other. It may loosen family ties so much so that family members loose touch, or the members who value the ritual of gathering may create something else to maintain the benefits of the previous ritual. On the other hand changing a ritual or creating one can bring a family closer together or maintain a level of closeness. Rituals can instruct behavior, for example the ritual of a parent singing to his young child a song about washing ones hand before eating.

A rich example of a healthy co-created ritual, and how it developed comes from my friend Jonathan, over at The Soul of Biotech. I love to hear Jonathan’s stories, so I asked him if he could tell a story of his favorite family ritual for Sophisticated Relationships. Jonathan writes:

In the Jewish tradition, after a boy is Bar Mitzvah’ed, he’s expected to participate in the ritual Yom Kippur fast. The fast lasts 25 hours, from sundown to one hour past sundown. It seemed impossible at 13, but after years of practice, it’s no big deal.

The first year that my father and I were going to go together, my mom dropped us off for Kol Nidre (the most important part). Once we’d had our fill of prayers, my father and I took a walk. That year, I asked him a simple question: “What was your life like before I was born?” And over the next 2-3 hours, we walked through the neighborhoods of Newton while he told me the autobiography of his life. Stories of almost drowning his little brother in the swamp near his house in Jerusalem. Almost taking his neighbor’s eye out with a little gun made out of wood and rubber bands. His other girlfriend before Mom. Everything.

Each year after that ended up being similar: Mom dropped us off. We’d pray for the most important parts, then look at each other, say ready?” and leave. We’d walk around and have a long deep heart-to-heart about everything. What I wanted to do when I “grew up,” whether or not I should break up with girlfriend, et cetera.

We missed a year or two recently with me now living on the West Coast, and we realized last year how much we enjoy them and miss them. So now, we “officially” decided to make sure to spend every Yom Kippur together, flying to the same city if necessary, to make sure that we still go together, and still take a walk together, no matter what.

I love Jonathan’s ritual with his father because it has many elements of what make a healthy, life-enhancing ritual. It is a ritual that affirms a close relationship between family members. There is a sense of encouragement for curiosity and openness about each others lives. A sense of belonging is fostered by this ritual. This is something they both enjoy and co-created together, indicating a sense of mutual respect. It has a consistent time that it happens. For Jonathan, this ritual represents a part of him that loves and admires his father, that is willing to be influenced by his father, and who finds it more important to be close with his family than it is to be Jewish.

How to Create Great Rituals for Holidays & Everydays

That is one of many wonderful rituals that exist. What are some of the rituals in your family or close relationships that you would like to continue? What do they mean for you? What are some rituals that you’d like to start in your family or close relationships? How would you hope they change your relationship and sense of self?

Lexi*

 

 

 

 

Tags: Lexi, communication, family, friends, rituals by Lexi
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