Sophisticated Relationships

“The secret of happiness is this: let your interests be as wide as possible, and let your reactions to the things and persons that interest you be as far as possible friendly rather than hostile.”
~Bertrand Russell

Dear Cute and Intelligent Females:

I’m a man who likes women. I like meeting them, talking to them, flirting with them. Like most men, however, I have trouble approaching you in public.

There are a lot of guys like me out there. Sometimes you forget that the game of love is best played cooperatively, not competitively. As a public service, I’ve put together a list of observations on things that we guys struggle with when approaching women. Being aware of these things will make our job easier and your interactions more interesting and engaging. At least when you’re talking to me.

•  We suck at reading minds (also known as body language and voice inflection). Make it painfully obvious to us what you’re thinking and feeling. Men are a face-value breed and find it very difficult to (and frankly don’t like to) read into body language and voice tonality/inflection. If we don’t seem like we’re getting it, then we’re probably not
• Rejection is the male version of spiders: small and harmless, but incredibly scary. You guys freak out at a spider, we freak out at rejection. Hopefully this explains some strange behavior you may have observed in the past.
•  Females are built to be conversational Olympians, while most men converse about as well as dogs can kayak. Help us out by offering up topics of conversation. Do most of the talking. Ask us open ended questions about our feelings and experiences. Not all men like to open up to a girl they just met or even know how to speak the language of women; when you find one that does you might want to hang onto him for a bit.
•  iPods and sunglasses are evil. You might as well be standing behind 3 tons of heavy artillery with a sign that says “I will destroy your Xbox, plasma TV, and three quarters of the world’s beer supply if you come one step closer”. Take your sunglasses off if you see a cute guy. Wrap up your earbuds if you’re in proximity to a potential mate. Eye contact and open body language are huge and can do wonders to get a guy to approach you.
•  If you’re wearing a ring, don’t hide it. Don’t be afraid to tell us you’re already in a relationship. There are tactful ways of doing this. Tell us you can’t wait to get home to your husband’s award-winning meatloaf. Mention how awesome your boyfriend’s watercolor art of Lake Tahoe is. We’ll get the hint. If we don’t, you’re well justified in throwing a dirty martini or a nearby bucket of mop water in our face.
•  Mild confrontation is healthy and necessary. Women avoid confrontation the same way men avoid rejection (hint: like the plague). That’s why you give us fake numbers and that’s why we chicken out on making a move. Be more upfront and we’ll respect you (and probably be turned on too). I’m not advocating turning into a GI Jane (although some guys are into that), but sometimes guys need their egos shaped and trimmed a bit.
•  Last but not least: SMILE. Nothing improves an interaction more than a smiling, friendly face. Think of it this way—who would you rather have approach you, the hot dude with a furrowed brow, or the average guy with a big friendly grin on his face? If you answered with Hot Furrowed Brow Guy, then please keep on not smiling so I don’t approach your cranky ass.

Like the wise old dating coach Hitch says, “No woman wakes up saying ‘God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!‘”

So if you want to be swept off your feet by a man, be more conscious of the message you convey. Most girls are not aware of the signals they are broadcasting to the world and the only way to effectively change personal behavior is to become more aware of what we do, when we do it, and why we do it. Pay attention and the rest will follow.

Improving the world one interaction at a time,
Jon Graves

Tags: Guest, action, communication by GuestWriter
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“The shortest distance between truth and a human being is a story.”

—Anthony de Mello, from One Minute Wisdom

Jon Graves writes:

Shared experiences are the glue of relationships of all types. We feel bonded to someone when we can empathize with them, and see ourselves in their shoes. Intense situations, from ecstatic to harrowing, form bonds like nothing else.

What about those experiences others weren’t around for? The ones that happened before we met the other person, or that happened while we were out on a different adventure? How do we convey the feelings and experiences in a way that promotes empathy and brings the other person into our experience?

Storytelling.

The primary reason for telling a story is conveying information in an effective manner; the best stories evoke emotion within the listener that connects them with the storyteller. A well-told story can make us laugh, cry, feel sympathy, or even influence our purchase of the latest in automobile technology.

Part of the bond with someone comes from trusting them and opening ourselves up to being influenced. In the context of relationships this is a powerful concept; one that can build a powerful bond between two people out of nothing more than words, be they spoken, written, sung or rapped (even 50 Cent has feelings).

Building an effective story is much simpler than you might think. You don’t have to be George Carlin or Martin Scorcese to talk about your experiences in a riveting and meaningful way. Let’s explore some ideas of effective storytelling in the context of romantic relationships:

1) identify two or three key emotions within the story.

Have you ever watched a movie that wasn’t sure if it wanted to be a drama, comedy, or documentary? That’s how your partner will feel if you try to convey more than two or three key emotions within your story. Don’t feel bad about leaving out details that once seemed important; that feeling means your story is even better.

2) Take those emotions and build on them

One of the newer areas of research in biological psychology is the concept of “mirror neurons”. In laymen’s terms (I’m the king of the laymen’s club), the phenomenon was discovered during a series of neurological experiments on monkeys in the 1980’s and 1990’s. The researchers found that there were certain sets of neurons that lit up in the monkeys’ brains both when performing a certain action and observing another monkey or human perform that action.

This applies to storytelling when painting pictures with our words. Using strong, descriptive language is highly effective at evoking emotion in your partner and allowing them to see what you saw, hear what you heard, and feel exactly what you felt.

3) Make sure your story has a clear purpose and conclusion

Remembering high school English, the three basic elements of a story are the setup, the conflict, and the resolution. All three are important to the listener, but the resolution is often times glossed over or even completely forgotten by the teller.

An effective story resolution summarizes the “point” of the story for the listener and concludes any unresolved threads for them. Conclusions can be punchlines to a joke, morals of a story, or even just a summarization of the storyteller’s feelings. Some examples:

a) “after my mom found the stolen candy, I learned a very hard lesson in not taking things that didn’t belong to me.”

b) “so the mushroom said to the bartender,’hey I’m a fungi.’”

c) “that was definitely the most embarassing moment of my life.”

4) Most of what you say isn’t in the words coming out of your mouth

The majority of our communcation is through body language and tonal inflection. Use your body and voice tone to convey the emotions and feelings that comprise your story.

More importantly, make sure you aren’t contradicting your words with body language and voice inflection. If your listener should be scared at a certain point in your story, make sure you aren’t smiling and laughing. If the story is a joke and you’re scowling at your listener by the end of it, you probably won’t be getting the laughs you expected.

The next time someone tells you a gripping story, be aware of the words and body language they are using to evoke emotion and draw you into your world. Use that awareness and understanding to make your own stories more engaging, satisfying for your listeners and ultimately strengthening your bonds.

Now go build a deeper relationship with someone!

-Jon Graves

Tags: Guest, communication, insight by GuestWriter
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Jon Graves loves Improv, storytelling and facing any challenge life throws his way. He has a B.S. in Computer science with a minor in Math from Houghton College. As an attractive, charming, and eligible bachelor, he might remind you a little bit of what you’d get if you combined James Bond, Brad Pitt, and Dane Cook. Oh, and his lawyers said that we should warn you to not try that at home. (Lawyers just don’t know how to have fun!)

Jon lives in Philadelphia where he creates software products that change lives for the better. In this case, it is for a company that provides software to help consumers organize their financial lives. He is an avid people watcher and armchair psychologist, who studies human behavior patterns in order to improve himself, design user friendly software, and help people. On his nights off, you might find him drinking beer, playing casual sports, or talking to cute girls, and on rare occasions a combination of all three.

His bio may be found on the about our contributers page .

Tags: Guest, announcement by Lexi
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Everybody gets angry but it’s what you do with your anger that makes a difference in how it affects you and the people around you. It’s all right to get angry. It’s just an emotion after all, like love, fear, excitement, lust, etc. It’s no worse or no better than any other emotion; it’s just another emotion, and emotions are like power, neither positive or negative, neutral until you use them. Like everyone else, sometimes my emotions control me — and then I get smart. Reading Ayn Rand reminds me of what is and isn’t important. In this case, it’s emotions.

Whether or not I publish another story or book or even get paid for my writing, I am first and foremost (and will always be) a writer because I write. I was a writer when I was eight years old creating stories and writing books based on the world around me and on the authors I read. I was a writer when I wrote essays and won prizes in my pre- and adolescence. I was a writer when I kept a diary and wrote in it every day. I was a writer when I stopped putting my thoughts on paper and kept them in my head like screenplays of dreams.

I am still a writer and I will always be a writer as long as I continue to write. Nothing and no one can change that, not even being a successful writer whose stories and books are bought and published.

Everything I do that pertains to writing makes me a writer — even my dreams where characters use my unconscious state to their advantage and tell me where I’m wrong and right and where I need to go to make their stories real. Sometimes I forget and lose sight of these facts, allowing others to determine how I view myself when they attack out of anger and I become angry in turn.

Anger, like fear, comes from a feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and not wanting to be discovered as a fraud. Anger is a protection mechanism, a drive to fight or flee in order to maintain the status quo. In a metabolic and physiological sense, anger and fear serve important functions. They accelerate heart rate, fuel adrenalin secretion and provide the energy necessary to fuel the actions of fighting or running away.

When anger and fear are turned inward they poison the waters like the seeping gases of a volcano unable to erupt and vent heat and gas to avoid total destruction. It’s like putting a cork in an anus when you have explosive diarrhea; the result is never good and inevitably damages more than if it had been allowed to run — metaphorically and actually.

Pent up emotions, even love and lust, always create more problems when they’re unleashed, especially for the one who’s holding them in. Look around and you will see daily examples in every walk of life, and even in your own household. Controlling emotions instead of feeling them is never a good idea, which is not to say that dumping your feelings on whomever happens by is a good idea either. Emotions are meant to be felt and used in constructive ways, but they are meant to be felt and used.

In the past, I’ve allowed other people’s opinions matter to me. They don’t. The only things that matter are what I think of myself and what I achieve with my talents and skills as I learn and grow. It’s hard not to allow negative opinions and the slings and arrows of jealous and angry people bent on protecting themselves to affect your life, but it can be done. And it should be what everyone does. It takes courage and turning a blind eye to ill-wishers, and that’s not always easy. It gets easier with time and practice, like anything else worth doing and learning. In the end, nothing else matters.

It’s nice to get a pat on the back from people who admire what you do and it can hurt — if you allow it — when others criticize and demean your work and you. Opinions are strictly subjective and are personal, but they don’t have to be taken personally.

For instance, I read and review a lot of books. Some of them I don’t like and feel are poorly written and I say so, but it is ultimately only my opinion. Others will disagree, including some of the authors. That’s not the purpose of a review.

A review is like sticking your toe in the water to check the temperature. If you have a fever, even warm water will feel cold. If you’re freezing, cold water will feel warm. A review is one person’s opinion and the fact that I get paid for my opinion doesn’t change the fact that it’s still just one opinion and is related wholly to my own experience, education and expertise.

I don’t understand some kinds of art, but that doesn’t change their value or their intrinsic worth. The same is true for my detractors. Their opinion is completely subjective and based entirely on their own views and personality. In the end, the only thing that matters is the work, my work, and my vision and how I express that vision.

Roark tells Ellsworth Toohey in The Fountainhead that he doesn’t think of him even though Toohey has gone out of his way to destroy Roark’s work in the public’s eyes. Roark can’t get work and no one in New York City will hire him even though he is undeniably a genius and the most talented and innovative architect around.

Toohey revels in his power to destroy Roark’s professional life, but Toohey only has the power Roark is willing to give him, and Roark doesn’t give Toohey any power. Men and women who can think for themselves and are not slaves to Toohey and his kind go out of their way to find and employ Roark to build for them and eventually Roark is back in New York City with a thriving business at the top of his profession. He never gave in to Toohey and narrow-minded people who follow him in worshiping mediocrity.

Professionally or personally, genius and talent and ability will, like cream, rise to the top as long as fear and anger aren’t allowed to gain a foothold. The person may not be liked or even accepted, but they do not exist for the masses or with the rest of those wallowing in mediocrity. Genius and talent, real talent, will not be denied.

Being liked is nice. Staying true to who and what you are is better. Using your gifts without regard to public or private opinion is all that matters.

I keep The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged on the shelf and I reread them every couple of years to remind myself that no one and nothing matters except the work — for me, that’s writing.

What I have accomplished and continue to accomplish is out there for anyone with eyes and a mind to see and my work will stand the test of time. Fame and fortune are nice and bring with them comfort, but the real power comes from the work, the writing, and being who and what I am. As long as I keep that in mind, nothing anyone says or does can touch me or destroy me. Nothing else matters as long as I can write — on paper, on a computer or even in my head. I write, therefore I am.

That is all. Disperse.

J.M. Cornwell

Tags: Guest, character, competence, insight by GuestWriter
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