Sophisticated Relationships

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” – a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” – Anais Nin

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, cartoon, character, communication, expectations, gratitude, happiness, honesty, insight, intimacy, love, purpose, radical honesty, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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“When the breath wanders the mind also is unsteady. But when the breath is calmed the mind too will be still…” – Svatmarama, Hatha Yoga Pradipika

Recently, some friends asked me to teach a weekly yoga class. Of course I jumped at the opportunity. Teaching yoga is a great way to spend time with friends (it’s wondrously introspection inducing) and I knew that teaching would greatly improve my own yoga practice (which, after only 2 weeks, it has!). One of the most important aspects of yoga is pranayama: the conscious regulation of the breath.

We are in a hurry so much of the time, always trying to get to the next place or working on crossing things off of our lists. In addition, our need for physical activity is reduced because of modern technology and automation. Our breathing patterns mimic our life patterns and we can develop unhealthy breathing habits without being aware of it.

When we’re stressed, our breath tends to be fast and shallow. In response to various tensions, we hunch our bodies, slouch, or curl into balls, and over time, our breathing becomes habitually restricted. Breathing consciously can help open our chests, improving our posture and our stress levels.

“Several researchers have reported that pranayama techniques are beneficial in treating a range of stress related disorders, improving autonomic functions, relieving symptoms of asthma, and reducing signs of oxidative stress. Practitioners report that the practice of pranayama develops a steady mind, strong will-power, and sound judgement, and also claim that sustained pranayama practice extends life and enhances perception.” – Wikipedia

The ultimate aim of pranayama is to focus the mind, leading towards personal reintegration. When you practice pranayama, you are deliberately changing your normal breathing patterns. The change in breathing patterns changes your state of mind and reduces the mental disturbances. As a result, your thoughts become clearer and your understanding of yourself is enhanced. As your mind becomes more fully absorbed in the observation of the breathing process, the character of the breath tends to change involuntarily. In other words, your breath changes simply by you becoming aware of it.

Some of the benefits of pranayama include:

• Better focus and concentration
• Increased lung capacity
• Better emotional control
• Stress reduction
• Reducing insomnia

If you’ve never done any breathing exercises before, here is an easy way to start:

1. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Sitting is recommended so that you don’t fall asleep.
2. Become conscious of your breath. Don’t try and regulate it. Simply remain aware of the quality of the breath – the inhale, exhale, and the pauses between the two. Don’t try and change anything… merely focus on the present nature of your breath.
3. After several minutes, start breathing in and out through your nose. Breathe into the stomach and then out from the stomach. Try to make the exhalations longer than the inhalations.
4. Now try inhaling first into the chest and then into the lower stomach. Then exhale and fully remove the air first from your stomach and then from you chest. Remove all the air that can comfortably be expelled from the lungs before inhaling again.

A fun visual component to add to the exercise is to imagine all of your unwanted emotions being pushed through a fire in your belly. The breath helps to push the unwanted emotions through the fire and expel the residue.

“According to the yoga texts, ‘fire’ (agni) exists inside our bodies near the navel. The impurities settle below that, in the abdominal area called apana. This fire burns impurities, and our breath affects the quality of the flame. Furthermore, breath regulates the flow of impurities toward the fire for burning, and away from it in order to leave the body.” – A.G. Mohan, Yoga for Body, Breath, and Mind – A Guide to Personal Reintegration

Like anything, when we practice something consciously, the body begins to memorize the activity and we integrate it into our unconscious selves. Try sitting up straighter, or walking taller and see how that affects the state of your breath, your mind, and consequently, your life.

Have any of you experimented with breath/breathing techniques?  What have you experienced (positive or negative)?

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” – Buddhist Proverb

Shine on!
*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, anxiety, breathing, relationship with self, rituals, self care, well-being by Lighthouse
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“Genuine beginnings begin within us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities.” – William Bridges

About two weeks ago, Cheery and I were walking home after having gone out for a lovely evening of movie watching, shopping, and milling about. We were entrenched in conversation and laughter when all of a sudden someone jumped out from behind a corner and demanded our purses. Someone grabbed for my purse… I probably should have let them have it, but instinct kicked in and I held onto my purse, screamed help, and fought. I suddenly realized that there was more than one person. I was dragged across the street by my purse strap. I held tight, and kept kicking and screaming for help. Two of the thugs began kicking and punching me in the head. Eventually my purse strap broke and they were able to take my purse. One of the thugs held my hands behind my back. I’m not exactly sure what happened after that.

Some neighbors heard me screaming and called the police, who showed up surprisingly fast. In fact, I could still see the thugs half way down the block as the police arrived. Cheery and I jumped into the back of the cop car and went after them. It was probably the wrong thing to do – the cops should have started running after them on foot – there were too many places for the thugs to duck into.

I quickly began going into shock. For me, going into shock looked like hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably. I could not get my breathing under control, which for me, is really telling because I’ve been practicing Ujjayi breath for 10 years. After getting out of the cop car, I had to sit down on the curb, and then as I got dizzier and dizzier, I had to lay down. The paramedics came and asked if I wanted to go to the emergency room. At this point, I didn’t know what to do. The bumps on my head were growing; I was in a lot of pain and feeling dizzy. I kept saying that I didn’t know and that I was in shock. I eventually chose to go to the ER. It took me about 2 hours to calm my breathing and to stop crying.

A few years ago, after my incident with Henry, I took a 10-month self-defense class where I was taught Defendu. That’s where I learned to scream and to fight. I’m so grateful for the training. During the attack, my mind heard my instructors yelling at me to scream louder. My body moved instinctively into fighting positions.

Should I have fought back? It’s definitely arguable. Most people I have talked to say that they just hand over their possessions when confronted with thugs. I didn’t know there was more than one person when I began to fight. While it was extremely dangerous, I am glad that my fight-instinct kicked in. I’m glad that I didn’t make it easy for them.

Obviously, being attacked is extremely traumatic. I wasn’t sure what to expect in terms of emotional processing after the attack was over. A heavy depression set in the following morning and lasted for a couple of days. The depression quickly morphed into anger.

I’m used to sitting with my feelings and processing them. But I started being inundated with angry thoughts and I couldn’t stop them or even process them. I just felt bombarded and out of control. Luckily for me, work was extremely busy the following week and I was able to sufficiently distract myself and allow time to dissipate some of the anger I was feeling. Of course, it only delayed the real processing work that I am now facing.

The level of support that I have received has been heart-opening. Qtask gave me a new phone, and the CEO gave me some cash so that I didn’t have to stress. My friends called and wrote to offer their support and ask if there was anything I needed. Zoltan held me tight in my weaker moments and provided continuous love. I am tremendously grateful for the people that surround my life.

I am practicing good self-care and working on ways to find the lessons in all of this experience. Please feel free to share your experiences with trauma and things that have helped you use those experiences to further your self-growth.

“And when a human being transforms himself, when *you* transform yourself radically, you are affecting the whole consciousness of mankind. You are mankind, you are the movement of mankind. This is fact, this is actual. If you change, you affect the world. So it is your tremendous responsibility.” J. Krishnamurti, Total Freedom

Shine on!

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, Zoltan, gratitude, self care, self defense, well-being by Lighthouse
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The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear. ~Aung San Suu Kyi

 

 Recently a friend of mine commented that I’m usually pretty positive and I’m usually talking about all the things that I’m doing that help me make progress. He then asked the very incisive question:

What are you not doing? You talk a lot about things you’re working on to progress yourself. There must be something you’re not taking action toward which bothers you. What is it? Why aren’t you doing it?

The question got me thinking. I made a list of many things that I’m not doing that bother me on some level or another. Some of the things on the list include:

• Not doing weight resistant training to help with bone density
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”
• Forgiveness
• Expressing as much love as I feel

One thing I noticed, is that nothing on my list is something that someone else thinks I “should” do, and I feel bad about not doing. For me, this is an improvement. A friend of mine has this issue– in that she feels that if a guy pays for her on a date, she “should” have sex with him! And feels bad if she doesn’t. To me, this seems like stinkin’ thinkin, and that’s another story.

The other thing I noticed, is that everything that is on my list of things I’m not doing and feel bad about has something in common. At the root of my list, lies fear.

Fear is sometimes a natural and rational thing to feel. Especially when in danger, as the rather famous book The Gift of Fear talks about, the first few pages detail that rather well, and you can read it in the “Search inside the book” section. This is not the kind of fear I’m talking about.

My fear seems self created because of how I’m thinking about the situation, not because the situation itself holds any real danger or harm. I’m afraid to do these things, and on the other hand I feel bad about not doing them– it’s a no-win situation!

My fear is taking a toll on my happiness. I let my fear prevent me from being healthier and more fulfilled. I let my fear block a deeper connection with loved ones.  

If it were not for my friend’s tough question, I might have continued on in some kind of limbo between denial and fear, that makes moving through life feel dense. And if it weren’t for my openness to growth, I may have found his question offensive.

So what is it that I’m afraid of with each action that I am not taking?

• Not doing weight resistant training: Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”: Fear of responsibility and failure
• Forgiveness: Fear of what I will tell myself if it happens again
• Expressing as much love as I feel: Fear of getting hurt

If I hadn’t been asked this question, I wouldn’t be able to see some of the ways in which I’m holding myself back, because of the things I tell myself that make me afraid. Being able to examine the fear, helps me be able to respond to it, rather than react. 

My responses:

• Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more: I don’t have to do the movements that cause pain; Make an appointment with a physical therapist
• Fear of responsibility and failure: Responsible is part of who I want to be; “Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down” (Mary Pickford) 
• Fear of being hurt: Being hurt is a part of life, and growing my confidence and ability to take care of myself regardless of what others are doing, or the events in my life, will help be fear emotional pain less and forgiviness is good for the forgiver
• Fear of intimacy: I would regret more not giving my heart and it’s potential breakage than keeping it in a box to rot on its own

These are all things that have taking me a while to think about and work out for myself.  The conclusions work for me, and may not work for others. I did not arrive at them by myself, I had help thinking and feeling myself out of my captivating fear.

This ”help” piece is important.  Sometimes it is appropriate to ask for or accept outside help, and fear gets in our way of doing this– fear that we will not see ourselves the same if we ask for help, fear that others will not see us the same way, fear about what asking for help means.  And while there is some merit to trying to do things on your own, there is also merit to knowing when to seek a source outside oneself– while being able to screen that information against your own sense of truth.   

Had I not looked at what I was not doing and why, I would not have an opportunity to take action. The most difficult? Quitting my job and looking for a more appropriate one. I’m fortunate because my circumstances are helping my hand, and if they were not, I would help myself find a way to quit.

As I was looking for some help on the topic, I came across this PDF from Bill Pullen that asks three pertinent questions:

• What are you not doing because you are afraid?
• What does inaction cost you?
• What is one step you can take to get started?

I leave you with a quote from a friend of mine in college:

Fear is a creation that is used for control, and creating from fear, from non-reality, is what causes the world we exist in to become dense. ~Paige

Cheers,

Lexi.

Tags: Lexi, action, anxiety, competence, forgiveness, insight, love, relationship with self, self care by Lexi
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