Sophisticated Relationships

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I am expecting something spectacular to fall into my lap.” – a friend of PeepJay’s

I’ve once again been thinking about what I want in a relationship. I started to wonder if I had a model of relationship that I was wishing for? At this point in my life, I’ve experimented with a variety of relationship styles, and I still don’t have a vision of what a relationship is supposed to look like for me. But then… do I have to know? Should I know? Is having that kind of vision (expectation?) useful? Am I feeling cultural pressure to be in a certain place (married, having kids, owning a house, etc)?

To find out if what I wanted looked like any particular model, I came up with a list of things that I wanted in a relationship.

I want someone who…

• is my “partner”. Meaning, someone with whom I have a symbiotic relationship.
• is honest and inspires me to be honest.
• is excited about being in a relationship with me.
• is a good communicator.
• lusts after me.
• is confident and inspires me to be confident.
• is romantic… someone who will feed me wine and read me poetry.
• has a passion.
• practices good self care.
• I feel could take care of me.
• needs me at times… or who is ok with being able to rely on me.
• makes me feel safe.
• likes to explore new places.
• is musically inclined.
• accepts me.

Of course, these are all things that I “want”… which is distinctly different from having expectations. I am asking for what I want without the expectation of anyone fulfilling those wants. But surely, the more of these qualities that someone has, the more attracted I will be to them.

Does that include marriage? I don’t know. I honestly don’t think about it that much, but I feel like I’m supposed to. Does it include polyamory? I think that what I really want is honesty. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which each person is actively looking for other people to be romantic with. But in the course of living, I know we’re going to meet people to whom we’re attracted… and I envision those situations being handled together. Does it include children? I don’t know (should I know?). I’m not inclined to have kids.

Are my list of wants a relationship model? Is uncertainty a relationship model?

“Being comfortable with uncertainty puts us in he position of not approaching relationships with desperation or an agenda.” says Lexi. “…which I think give the other person an opportunity to come to us as they are and be seen as they are . . . and when there is real mutual attraction maybe it helps us have better relationships.”

One thing I do know, is that not knowing where I or my relationship are going does not mean slacking on moving forward: working on my projects, setting goals, practicing good self care, and developing my sense of self and my relationships with others… yes, this is where I’m going.

“What makes people despair is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life, and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.” – Anais Nin

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, cartoon, character, communication, expectations, gratitude, happiness, honesty, insight, intimacy, love, purpose, radical honesty, relationship with self, self care, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller

Z,

I thought maybe I would take some time while I was on my way to The Club to explain the nature of my relationship with Ex. I know that there is some confusion here and I want to clear that up as best I can. I want you to understand why I made the request I did… and I want you to understand my relationship with Ex.

I’ll just start from the beginning… 1) because it’s easier to start there and I feel like the nuances are important and 2) because I like reminiscing.

Ex asked me out one night at The Club years ago… I’d never really talked to him before. I said no at first… I was dating a few people at that time, and just thought I’d be too busy. But after a while, we ended up going out for coffee. We sat outside a coffee shop and just talked and talked. We ended up going back to his house and talking some more and I stayed the night with him. We had sex that first night… at that point in my life, I didn’t take sex as seriously as I do now so it didn’t really seem like a big deal. He explained to me that he wasn’t monogamous, and at that time, it didn’t bother me at all. I’d just gotten out of a long relationship so I wasn’t really looking to settle into anything with anyone.

It was 5 weeks after that first night together before he asked me out again. I’d sent him several emails, and had gotten no response. I was so mad when he finally asked me out.

We eventually did go out again… and we continued to go out about once every 2 weeks and I saw him in the interim at The Club, of course.

The first time I broke up with him, it was because I had fallen in love with him… and I thought that because he didn’t want to see me very often, that I liked him more than he liked me. I was wrong. A few weeks later at The Club, he gave me a set of CDs that he said explained how he felt about me. I decided to give our relationship another try.

The second time I broke up with him was shortly after I met PaulCreature… it was really just a coincidence because I didn’t know PaulCreature was interested in me at the time. I just couldn’t handle the lack of communication and the infrequency of our dates. I couldn’t accept that he loved me… even though he tried to reassure me that he did (in his own way). I eventually started dating PaulCreature and told Ex that I was involved with someone else (this is before I really understood that PaulCreature was polyamorous and what that meant for our relationship). Ex was visibly hurt when I told him.

Ex and I eventually started seeing each other again while I was dating PaulCreature… In the meantime, he’d met a girl named Payne and I could tell, he really liked her. One night, Ex and I were lying in bed talking and he said “I can’t be intimate with you anymore… it hurts Payne too much”. In a way, it was beautiful – that his heart was so connected to hers, that hurting her also hurt him. I understood – but I was also crushed.

We’ve stayed friends over the years. We always make *some* time for each other when I visit. Our relationship isn’t really sexual… it’s more friendship based – though we are both attracted to each other. We are both highly sensitive Creatures – and there’s a mutual trust that we won’t hurt each other – and that’s a rare quality. All these years our hearts have remained connected. We don’t talk very often but we don’t really need to. We leave each other little crumbs…

I really cherish my time with Ex. It’s rare and very special. So please, understand that by going home with him, it’s not because I want to start a sexual relationship with him… nor am I trying to confuse anything. It’s about spending time with him while he has it, while he’s in the mood for interacting with me, and in a place that he’s comfortable. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to him – he’s my stereotypical type – but it’s not the driving force in our relationship.

You asked what my goal was in this situation with Ex. My goal is to continue being close to him. We’re the same kind of Creature… So by going home with him – it’s not an ordinary “going home with a guy” thing. It’s a place where we can have space and time to be with each other. That’s my motivation. I know it sounds intimate, and it is… but it’s really just emotionally intimate.

****

Z, my relationship with you is one of the most important things in my life right now. I think about you all the time. I crave you. I look forward to all our interactions. I love the way you smell (as you already know . I love your sense of humor. I love your communication style. I love your sense of fairness. I love how kind and compassionate you are. I love how idealistic you are. I love that you want to make the world a better place. I love how you love to help. Your writing makes my mouth water! I want to integrate you into everything I can. I want you to succeed at whatever you’re interested in. I want to help you with anything I can. I want to be there for you. I want to be there with you. I’m fucking crazy about you!!

I don’t want my love for you to get lost in any confusion about my motivations or my goals. I am fighting my psychology and wedging my heart wide open… standing here as tall and open as I can.

Does any of this help you understand where I’m at and why I’m doing what I’m doing? I want it all to be clear and open. I want you to know me.

That’s all for now. I’m on my way to one of my favorite coffee shops to sit and have a cappuccino and send this to you before heading to the The Club… …And now, here I am finishing up my delicious cappuccino in a warm, artsy space where John Zorn is playing on the speakers, and everyone is bundled in scarves.

Looking forward to seeing you…

<3

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, PaulCreature, friends, honesty, intimacy, love, radical honesty by Lighthouse
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“We may need a good deal of reflection and self-examination to appreciate how our deepest view of ourselves shows up in the ten thousand choices that add up to our destiny.” – The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

The feeling of not being good enough has been pervasive throughout my life. I’ve been through various phases of this throughout time, but currently I wrestle with not feeling smart enough, pretty enough, or interesting enough. Really, the question becomes “What is ENOUGH”? And when I think about it, enough means finding the sense of worthiness within myself without looking to others for approval.

One example where not feeling good enough has affected one of my most important relationships is in my relationship with PaulCreature. For a long time, I felt like I didn’t deserve him…. that he was too good for me. Because of this I was afraid to be vulnerable with him because I thought that if he found out who I truly was, he would certainly leave me.

“If I do not feel lovable, it is very difficult to believe that anyone else loves me. If I do not accept myself, how can I accept your love for me? Your warmth and devotion are confusing: it confounds my self-concept since I *know* I am not lovable. Your feeling for me cannot possibly be real, reliable, or lasting. If I do not feel lovable, your love for me becomes an effort to fill a sieve, and eventually the effort is likely to exhaust you.” – The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

This doesn’t just happen with PaulCreature of course… I’m hesitant to do many things because I’m afraid of appearing dumb or uninteresting. It often prevents me from expressing my needs and leads me to look towards others for approval.

Not feeling good enough is basically not having enough self-esteem.

Nathanial Branden, in his book, The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, defines self-esteem as “The disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness.”

I’m a highly emotional person – so often my first response to many situations is that of intense emotion, which prevents me from reacting in a logical or productive way. Zoltan once sent me a message about needing to clarify his relationship with another woman. Reading the chat logs the following day was very surprising. My reaction was completely emotional and overshadowed by fear of rejection and lack of self worth. I had misread what he had written and unnecessarily dramatized the situation. I’m learning that I need to wait for the initial emotions to course through my body before reacting. I can’t do this for everything, of course. Certain situations require an immediate response… but many do not, and knowing this about myself can help me to manage my relationships better.

For a long time, I had issues with my how my body looked. I was probably 15-25 pounds overweight for most of my life… which is not a lot, but enough to get comments from my grandmother and from various others. I grew up in Germany and it didn’t help that my name in German rhymes with fat – so it was an easy way for the kids to poke fun of me and call me fat. One thing I’ve found that’s tremendously helped my confidence is to lose weight to a point where I am happy. I’ve done that through diet and exercise.

I make a point of surrounding myself with people who inspire me. My closest friends are people who I am in awe of for one reason or another. It pushes me to constantly grow and to improve myself. I also have to be careful because it causes me to look towards others for approval. Admiration is one thing, but when my sense of self gets lost in the mix, it’s not productive.

“But if I lack respect for and enjoyment of who I am, I have very little to give – except my unfilled needs. In my emotional impoverishment, I tend to see other people essentially as sources of approval or disapproval.” – The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

I’m slowly working to improve my own self-esteem. I know myself very well now… I know my triggers and my weaknesses and I can build an infrastructure around myself that supports my goals. I am emotional, so many of my interactions are best done in writing – where I can have time to think things over and be very clear. Diet and exercise are imperative since I want to feel good about my body. Recognizing and focusing on my strengths helps me bring value to the table amongst my amazing group of friends. I know that having this infrastructure will improve my self-esteem over time.

There are many things you can do to improve self-esteem:

* Practice good self care
* Be conscious of your inner critic – write down what it says and write down the rational counter-argument.
* Be one with your word – make sure that what you say is really what you mean. Practice being honest in every situation.
* It’s ok to make mistakes. Use them as learning opportunities.
* Write down the things you would like to improve and then work towards improving them.
* Set goals. Write down things you want to accomplish and then do them. Keep track of your progress. A great way to do this is to announce your goals publicly.
* Appreciate where you are now. Knowing that you are working towards healthy self-esteem is an accomplishment in and of itself.
* Distance yourself from negative people in your life. Surround yourself with people who inspire you.
* Align your body and mind. When everything is in sync, it’s easy to make good decisions.
* Stop comparing yourself to other people.
* Acknowledge your needs. Be assertive with yourself and others.

“Enter here where one discovers that destiny can be directed, that one does not need to remain in bondage to the first wax imprint made on childhood sensibilities. One need not be branded by the first pattern. Once the deforming mirror is smashed, there is a possibility of wholeness; there is a possibility of joy” – The Diary of Anais Nin Vol. I

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, PaulCreature, Zoltan, friends, happiness, radical honesty, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
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“How often – even before we began – have we declared a task ‘impossible’? And how often have we construed a picture of ourselves as being inadequate? A great deal depends upon the thought patterns we choose and on the persistence with which we affirm them.” – Piero Ferrucci

I’ve spent a lot of time recently thinking about what I really want in a relationship. I keep coming up with “intense intimacy”. Which got me thinking… what is intimacy? What do I mean when I say “I want to be intimate with you”? I’m not thinking of physical intimacy in this case… but rather, emotional intimacy. My first association with emotional intimacy is closeness. But what is close?

I started by trying to define what emotional intimacy meant to me:

* Having a sense of tenderness and affection
* Being vulnerable and undefended
* Having feelings of affinity and attraction
* Continuous, honest communication
* Looking forward to seeing one another

“Emotional intimacy is founded on each individual’s emotional security and confidence, and the ability to communicate their feelings with their partner. ” – MarriageQuest.org

So then, what stops us from being more intimate with each other?

* Fear (of loss, of being vulnerable, of rejection)
* Lack of trust
* Chronic sense of insecurity
* Inability to let go of hurts and fears
* Defensiveness
* Lack of communication

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I came across a great exercise for improving intimacy at Coping.org.

Step 1: Identify those with whom you desire to develop an intimate relationship.

Step 2: Identify the obstacles that impede the intimacy with each person.

Step 3: Identify those negative consequences present due to the lack of intimacy you have with each person.

Step 4: Identify those beliefs blocking your growth in intimacy with each of the people. Develop a replacement belief for each of the irrational ones.

Step 5: Identify those behavior traits you need to develop to correct your intimacy problems.

Step 6: Identify the solutions that will be useful in correcting your intimacy problems.

This was, for me, a surprisingly powerful exercise. I found that fear of rejection and lack of self worth were the primary causes of my lack of intimacy with those people that I listed. It’s frustrating to see that the character traits I’ve spent the most time working on are the same ones that are preventing me from being intimate with the most important people in my life. The fun part of the exercise was coming up with things that I could do to increase the level of intimacy with each person.

In general, we can increase intimacy with anyone by:

* Being honest
* Increasing our self-esteem
* Forgiving past hurts
* Working out anger and resentment
* Improving communication
* Addressing sexual issues

The world could use more intimate relationships. Think of the people that you want to be closer to and do something to instigate intimacy. Run, don’t walk.

“Time burns, promising only to burn out m’lady. . . we must make time for the moments we want and to set our dreams on solid foundations.” – Strider

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, action, communication, honesty, intimacy, radical honesty, rejection, relationship with self, well-being by Lighthouse
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