Sophisticated Relationships

Yesterday I was so focused on finishing the post for Thursday, that when I finished it, I forgot it wasn’t Thursday and posted it a day early! If only my Professors could see me now, a person who didn’t wait until the last minute to do something AND who made multiple revisions before handing in the final product. Sounds like a future topic to me . . . procrastination.

I want to continue to meet expectations and get in the habit of posting on Thursdays, therefor I am posting two speeches from TED on happiness. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design: Ideas worth spreading. From their website:

Our mission: Spreading ideas.

We believe passionately in the power of ideas to change attitudes, lives and ultimately, the world. So we’re building here a clearinghouse that offers free knowledge and inspiration from the world’s most inspired thinkers, and also a community of curious souls to engage with ideas and each other.

The first speech is by Barry Schwartz. He is a Professor of Social Theory and Social Action. He has authored or co-authored several books including: The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less, Psychology of Learning and Behavior , and The Costs of Living: How market freedom erodes the best things in life.

The next speaker is Dan Gilbert. His speech is interesting to me because it talks about how we can still be happy, even if we don’t get what we think we want, and it is more than just “tricking” ourselves. He is the author of books like Stumbling on Happiness.

If the embedded video is missing, click here.

Enjoy!

Tags: Lexi, TED, happiness, video by Lexi
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One of the problems I have experienced in relationships, whether they are romantic, platonic or just the clerk in the grocery store, are missed expectations between myself and the other person. Some people prefer that the store clerk do nothing but their job and not have any kind of conversation beyond “Hi, how are you today?” while others like to have a chat with the clerk as the groceries get bagged. And some clerks like to chat, and others don’t.

Expectations between friends and romantic partners— when not met sometimes seem painful. In part because we have this internal list of “musts” that the other person doesn’t know about, but should. What ends up happening is that our idea of how things must or should be and what we are experiencing don’t match, we have some reconciliation to do. That can be an uncomfortable process. Did the other person lie to us, or intentionally misrepresent things? Sometimes. Is is it just a misunderstanding? Sometimes. While those are situations where missed expectations arise, today I’m talking about something else. Something that means we may have to let go of our expectations, sometimes known as the attachment to our way being the “right way.” While there may be a “right way,” sometimes it is worth reexamining whether that is the same as what we are attached to as “right.” Think about two religions, how many similarities are there, how many differences? Naturally, yours is right!

There are at least three situations, that don’t involve deliberate misrepresenation or misunderstandings, that increase the chance of a situation involving missed expectations. Each of these could benefit from reevaluating our attachment to “right.” The first is that sometimes the problem seems like we do not know figuratively where we end and the other person begins. When the other person does something that we wouldn’t do, we think that they ought to know better. To expand on that, when you unconsciously think or feel that another person is part of you, the mistake may be made of thinking you can control them. Then you don’t understand why they aren’t doing what you want them to do because if it is what you need or want, they must need it too. This can also be seen in the form of: person A does something for person B. Person A expects person B to respond a certain way without communicating that. Person A resents or gets angry at person B for not responding the way person A expected them too. If this sounds like you, this book might help. Of course, when I can, I like to do things for others without expectations, and if I have them, it is important that I communicate what they are upfront, so the other person can choose.

The second possibility is that we’ve seen movies, TV shows, other couples, our parents, or read books, wherein we are taught how people must act. It later seems that they are acting the way we think we must act or how we would like our partner to act—from the “tough guy” who wants a woman who “knows her place” to the woman who wants to be “swept off her feet” to the people who want an “egalitarian partnership” where both people give and take and communicate in an adult and respectful way. My guess is that there are a variety of ways this looks for everyone. When we communicate calmly, honestly and directly what our needs and wants are to others, we give them the choice of giving us what we are asking for. When this becomes difficult, it may be time for a Difficult Conversation.

A third possibility is because of how we grew up and what has become familiar to us feels more “right” than what is not familiar. Whether or not what feels “right” really is healthier, sometimes we expect it none-the-less. For example, if you grew up in a family where no one ever expressed their feelings, it might seem strange to you if your partner, who grew up in a family who expressed their feelings— had lots of feelings to express! If you grew up in a home where there was verbal abuse, you may not be able to recognize when you are verbally abusing others or when you are being verbally abused. If you grew up in a home that always cut the crust off of the sandwiches, it may feel wrong when someone serves you a sandwich with the crust. Some things that we grew up with may be healthy, some things may not be, and some things, like whether or not the crust is on a sandwich, are just different.

Those are just a few reasons people have missed expectations. While sometimes I have the wonderful expereince of “no expectations”, I often have some kind of expectation. For the times I do end up with missed expectations a few thoughts that, when used, help me cope with the resulting feelings are:

1. People are not mind readers
2. ‘Musts’ + ’shoulds’ ≠ progress in communication
3. There may be more than one way
4. I can only change/control myself
5. People are capable of making their own decisions
6. Am I coming from a place of curiosity, compassion and accountability?
7. What are my expectations? Have I communicated my expectations or hopes calmly, honestly and directly?
8. I will be okay if I the other person does not meet my expectations.

Tags: Lexi, communication, expectations by Lexi
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“To divide anything into what should be and what is is the most deceptive way of dealing with life” – J. Krishnamurti, Total Freedom

I loved spending time with DJ David. Riding back to his place on the back of his motorcycle after a night at the club are some of my all time favorite memories. Our dates mainly consisted of staying up all night talking. I didn’t care where we went, I was happy just hanging out. DJ David was kind, playful, gentle, disciplined, and trustworthy. He made the world a better place.

The downside was that I only got to see him about once every two weeks and I had very little interaction with him in between our dates. I wanted more… not a lot more, but I wanted to be a part of his life. I wanted more than just a night… I wanted to know the details of his day. I wanted an intimate friendship.

I really enjoyed the anticipation of our dates and was sad when they were over, knowing it would be weeks before we could have that time again. During those weeks, many different emotions ran through me – insecurity, resentment, indignation, wistfulness… In my mind I constantly found ways to distance myself from him.

I knew he was busy and I knew he dated other women. I was sensitive to not being overbearing. I hardly ever asked him for his time, because he rarely responded when I did. I learned to wait, knowing that he would contact me when he was ready to see me. But I felt like a chump. I felt resentful that our relationship was so unbalanced and so sporadic.

And the question really became, what do you do when you want to spend more time with someone than they want to spend with you? Is a little bit of DJ David better than no DJ David?

I am currently finding myself in a similar situation with Zoltan. Looking back, the answer was yes, a little bit of DJ David was better than no DJ David. And while I am still feeling all the same emotions of insecurity and resentment with Zoltan, I know that I’m trying to blame my feelings of rejection on someone other than myself. Because I am somewhat clouded by emotion, I am going to assume, that the answer to my current situation is yes, a little bit of Zoltan is better than no Zoltan.

I want to focus on being grateful for the time that I get to spend with people rather than being resentful for the time that I don’t get to spend with people. I want to stand undefended and vulnerable in the face of fear… But how do I get my emotions on board with my mind?

“… when one loves there must be freedom, not only from the other person but from oneself.

“This belonging to another, being psychologically nourished by another, depending on another – in all this there must always be anxiety, fear, jealousy, guilt; and so long as there is fear there is no love; a mind ridden with sorrow will never know what love is; sentimentality and emotionalism have nothing whatsoever to do with love. And so love is not to do with pleasure and desire.” J. Krishnamurti, Total Freedom

When I listen to what it is I need, the answer is to live my life as I would like to live it; spend my time doing things that I enjoy doing. I will focus on being grateful for the experiences that I have. I will focus on finding beauty in the small things… interactions with friends, yoga in the park, live music, dancing, IM pings, new music, luxurious moments, the sun on my back, a new friend.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult to keep this perspective… this base level gratitude for being alive. My default seems to be taking things for granted. It is, of course, easier when I am in a good mood… but when I’m in a bad mood, the perspective easily changes.

I am focusing on being grateful for being alive… for having an amazing group of friends, for having a job that I love, for having a home that is extraordinary, for having excellent health, for being smart… and when that extra delicious time with the many characters in my life comes along, I will focus on being grateful for that too.

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: DJ David, Lighthouse, Zoltan, gratitude by Lighthouse
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What is my purpose? Was a question I asked myself when I was younger with dread, because there was no answer, not even an echo. I had spent so much of my life trying to find my place in this world based on how I thought others wanted to see me. After all, I didn’t have a purpose, I didn’t feel like a fully formed person, and so what did it matter if I allowed myself to be molded by others? Even if it didn’t feel right, I thought they were right and I was wrong, especially if their logic seemed ‘good’. So I shoved those feelings down and away. I lost myself when I let others define my purpose and tried to find myself through them. I still lose myself sometimes.

The first lesson is: “We don’t find ourselves, we create ourselves.”

We are both artist and work of art. There are genetic and cultural influences on who we are as individuals, just like the medium an artist uses influences what the artist creates. If you are like me, you weren’t born with a natural talent for painting. You know what I think is great? If I wanted to learn to paint, I can learn! I may not be the next Rembrandt, but I can most certainly improve my skill at painting and enjoy the process.

This is how I would learn: I may be bumbling along through life not even knowing I might like to paint or that I don’t know how, until perhaps one day, I saw a painting, or a friend talked about it, or I somehow realized what I hadn’t realized before, that I wanted to paint. It would require recognizing that what I want to do and what I can do don’t match. I may even try painting while observing my lack of skill, just to make sure. Then I may look at art that I like, artists, breaking down their actions and listening to their philosophies, most likely taking a class and then consciously repeating their actions. Then I practice until I become competent at painting without thinking about it, much like many people are unconsciously competent at tying their shoes.

The process I just described I first heard in class from one of my professors. It is known as the four stages of competence. They are:

1. unconscious incompetence
2. conscious incompetence
3. conscious competence
4. unconscious competence

You know what I like even more? I am not limited to enhancing my skills at art. I can cultivate personality traits too. Happiness or well-being, like depression, is influenced by our genes. However, researchers think that between 20-50% of our sense of well being can be influenced by us[1], rather than solely determined by our genes! What I find more fascinating is the idea that our thoughts, feelings and actions influence our happiness levels too. That means we can learn how to be happier, and unlearn the habits we may have learned when we were depressed. I know I have habits that if I let myself stay in them, interfere with my ability to enjoy life. I also have habits that by cultivating them, enhance my enjoyment of life.

My primary self-defined purpose is simple: to enjoy life. I have found that as I develop a better relationship with myself, that enjoying life becomes easier. That when I stop accepting harmful behavior from myself and others, my life becomes freer, and I become more free to choose how I want to create myself. As I become more comfortable in my own skin, it becomes easier for me to be my authentic, non-reactive self with others and to experience the more natural creation of deeper bonds based on authentic connections.

The purpose of this blog for me is to document my process, to serve as a model of one way a person might enjoy life more and be themselves more fully while alone, or with others. This blog starts in the middle of my story. I’m not only going to talk about the present; I’m going to talk about where I’ve come from and where I hope to go. I will undoubtedly make and have made mistakes, I’m human, and I will do my best to recover from those mistakes. I will be including stories from others who have touched my life and influenced my growth, inviting them to create guest posts and share their wisdom. I will be including my understanding of research on the subjects that help me develop into the person I want to become. I look forward to the participation from those who choose to follow my story. I enjoy the idea of sharing this journey. This is a process.

Tags: Lexi, competence, happiness, purpose, research link, well-being by Lexi
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