Sophisticated Relationships

“Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.” – Eddie Cantor

There are several ways in which I can feel overwhelmed: physically, socially, and emotionally. While the basics of dealing with the feeling of being overwhelmed are the same, the details of dealing with each situation are slightly different.

Physically overwhelmed

I am the kind of person that always has a ton of projects going at once. I try to keep it at a reasonable level but I like being busy.

Every few months, I write down what my goals are – short term and long term. Every morning, I wake up, make a tea, and write my morning pages. I’ve taped a notecard with my list of goals on the inside of my journal so it’s the first thing I see every day. It helps me focus on what’s important.

One of the drawbacks to having a lot of projects, is sometimes feeling overwhelmed. I know when I’m overwhelmed because I feel scattered, disorganized, tired, and anxious. I don’t breathe as deeply and I’m not enjoying the time I’m spending on my projects… everything seems like a chore.

* Exercise. I can’t stress enough the importance of exercise. The physical benefits far outweigh the time that it takes. Never skip exercise.
* Set goals. Set short term and long term goals.
* Take time at the beginning or end of each day to write out a list of things that needs to get done.
* Set aside the things on your list that don’t help you meet your goals.
* Set aside time to work without interruption.
* Do the hardest thing first.
* Set a time limit for something difficult that you’re working on. It might help to know that you’ll only have to do it for 2 hours rather than something you’ll be working on all day.
* Take time out for yourself.

Socially overwhelmed

While I am an extrovert, I can get worn out by too much social stimuli. Sometimes I just feel drained by going to too many events in too short a time period. I often travel to visit with friends and find myself in situations where I am going out every night, sleeping on couches, and cafe hopping during the day trying to get work done. It’s important for me to have a place to reroot, relax, and spend time by myself and that is especially difficult to do when I’m traveling.

* Get space. Find a quiet spot and sit and breathe.
* Just be quiet. Let your friends know that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and are just needing some quiet time. Most people can relate to this feeling and will allow you the space you need.
* Take a walk

Emotionally overwhelmed

Being emotionally overwhelmed happens mainly when I’m experiencing stress in my romantic relationships. Because these relationships are of primary importance, and because they tend to affect my sense of self in the most insidious ways, it can be difficult to concentrate on the things that I really need to get done.

* Exercise
* Write it down. Writing things down can help sort out all the emotions and provide clarity.
* Practice good self care
* Get space – even if you have to duck into a bathroom at a party, get to a place where you can cry, or sit and think, or breathe.
* Breathe deeply

Almost everyone experiences being overwhelmed at one time or another. It’s helpful to write down the things that work for you so that when you feel overwhelmed, you already have a plan in place.

“So let us welcome peaceful evening in.” – William Cowper

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, action, anxiety, happiness, overwhelmed, purpose, well-being by Lighthouse
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To be always intending to make a new and better life but never to find time to set about it is as to put off eating and drinking and sleeping from one day to the next until you’re dead.
Og Mandino

Since March I’ve been ignoring my health. I stopped exercising and I started eating past the point of full. When I stopped caring about those things, I told myself “this is just a break.” Final exams were coming, and I was devoting my life to studying, at the expense of my health.

I told myself I needed to take a break because what was going on in my life was stressful. I would start again as soon as finals were over. I deserved the time off, and I deserved to eat that extra helping of whatever happened to tantalize my taste buds. I needed the extra time from exercise to sleep or study, I must have my 6-8 hours! I needed that chocolate to reward myself after a study sessions.

Shortly after finals were over, nothing happened. The “just a break” got a little longer. I needed the extra time to sleep because I had been up late talking to my boyfriend. I couldn’t waste the food that was on my plate because I was trying to save money. I didn’t have time.

What I was telling myself, “just a break”, “I deserved . . .”, and “I needed ___ to feel better,” etc were excuses.

Exercise enhances energy and brain performance, even old-school mathematicians knew that. Eating healthfully improves the brain’s performance and increases energy, not to mention longevity. As for the extra time talking to my boyfriend? While a good relationship is good for us, the lack of sleep and exercise, are bad for me. If I hadn’t known all of this, my excuses may have been valid. I might say I was being hard on myself if I hadn’t known all of that, and more when I stopped taking care of myself anyway.

What I was craving was stress release, and I found it by going back to old habits. I took action without gaining insight into what would be a healthy way to decrease my levels of stress. For example a useful insight might be- maintaining a healthy diet and exercise routine will help reduce my stress. My routine was flexible, my goal before I quit was to exercise 3-5 times a week for thirty minutes. My healthy eating habits were also flexible: the number one priority was only eating until I was full, and the number two priority was to get enough vegetables and protein. May I always eat dark chocolate.

Another useful insight might have been that I needed some self care. Such as ten minute mediations, like the ones at My Thought Coach. Of course a little more studying and a little less social interaction would have been good self care too, rather than managing my feelings around the problem.

My break turned into a bad habit that brought with it fifteen pounds. The fifteen pounds sat, and my clothes were tight, I was sluggish and more moody.

Good Calories, Bad Calories

The next several months involved a lot of introspection. Why did I stop exercising and start eating too much again? We just went over that. Why did I stay that way? I didn’t know. School was over. My sleep schedule was back to normal. I didn’t have those excuses anymore. I kept thinking that tomorrow I would start being healthy again. Somehow I got it in my head that I also needed to start my budget again in order to stop over-eating. That I couldn’t keep track of my food until I started keeping track of my money.

Reasons why I could not start behaving in favor of my health kept rolling in. While I have some shoulder problems, that hadn’t stopped me before, and it was one of the reasons stopping me now. I couldn’t start again until I could figure out why I wasn’t doing it! Although really, I wasn’t letting myself. I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a why that felt just right.  (I was even using my feelings as an excuse!)

I have found for myself that a lot of time on “Why” is not helpful for change. Why is not useful when I want to be doing something differently and instead I contemplate the answers to why in my navel. That is what I did while the pounds and lethargy stayed. I had come up with plenty of answers to: “Why?” And I kept not changing.

Something else I learned:

Nothing Changes, if nothing changes.

I started asking “What” and “How” questions. What was I doing when I was healthier? How was I doing it? What I was doing included: writing down what I ate and keeping track of the composition of the food; exercising 30 minutes 3-5 times a week and keeping track of it; drinking more water; eating more vegetables; thinking that being healthy is possible; consciously focused on appreciating the benefits of my actions; and putting my focus in more motivational directions.

How I was doing it included: using My Food Diary to track the food, exercise and water; if I had a spare 45 minutes I would go for a walk, or to the gym and I started hiking with friends again; I planned my meals in advance; I reminded myself that being healthy is possible and visualizing how I am when I am healthier; I took a few minutes to appreciate the results of a healthier lifestyle, such as more energy, or more toned legs; I sought out motivational material and added it to my RSS feed or del.icio.us account, like this.

I thought about the “what’s” and the “how’s” and started doing them. I didn’t need to know why I had stopped. I have been getting back on track for a week now, and already I feel better. As for my relationship, adding back exercise and sleep has not hurt my relationship. In fact, it helps and gives us something to work toward together: better health. That seems like a win-win to me.

I’m not criticizing myself for the time away from a healthier lifestyle, I’m learning from it. In the first situation, I took action without taking some time to see into the situation. In the second situation I took too much time contemplating “why” that I put off action. I refocused on how and what I could do differently and what had worked in the past, I stopped making excuses, and then I did it. I’m already feeling better.  Whenever there is action without insight, or insight without action, I find I stagnate.

Lexi*B

Tags: Lexi, action, character, insight, relationship with self, well-being, win-win by Lexi
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“Jealousy may be an expression of insecurity, of fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feeling left out, feeling not good enough, or feeling inadequate… Jealousy might also be associated with feelings of competitiveness and wanting to be number one… On the other hand, sometimes the truth is that we are becoming aware on an intuitive level that our partner is moving away from us.” – The Ethical Slut

This will be one of many posts on the topic of jealousy.

Almost everyone I know has struggled with jealousy at one time or another. I struggle with jealousy constantly. It’s this ugly monster that lives inside of me and simply will not die.

Jealousy for me happens mainly in dealing with relationships… when the person I’m with likes someone else in addition to liking me. The logical side of my brain says “We humans are wired to be attracted to many people, not just one.” But the non-logical side of my brain says “Why am I not enough? Why can’t he just like me?”

The Ethical Slut has a great section on dealing with jealousy. I skimmed it years ago, but I really should have studied it.

“The challenge becomes learning to establish within yourself a strong foundation of internal security that is not dependent on sexual exclusivity, or ownership of your partner. This is part of the larger question of how to grasp your personal power and learn to understand and love yourself without such a desperate need for another person to validate you.”

The Ethical Slut says that “the way to unlearn jealousy is to be willing to experience it. By actively choosing to experience a painful feeling like jealousy, you are already starting to reduce its power over you.”

HOLD STILL WITH YOUR JEALOUSY

Learn to feel jealousy without acting on it. That doesn’t mean that you should hide your jealousy. It just means you shouldn’t throw a tantrum. When you hide your jealousy, you are not being honest and it is important for everyone involved to know the reality of the situation.

* Listen to yourself and explore your feelings. Where do you feel them in your body?
* Feel your feelings. Painful feelings have a tendency to run their course if you let them.
* Reflect on your feelings. Journal your thoughts. Write down your stream of consciousness.
* Own your feelings. Try writing or talking to someone without blaming anyone. It’s not easy, but it’s good practice
* Ask yourself “What are the specific images that disturb me the most?” Pay attention to the images that are less scary.

GETTING THROUGH JEALOUSY

Don’t try tackling jealousy all at once. Try just setting a short period of time for yourself to get through the jealousy. Ask yourself if there’s anything that would make you feel just a tiny bit better?

* Practice good self care
* Do something physical
* Play music that fits your mood
* Focus on the positive. Remember all the good things. It could be a good idea to keep a book of good times around with stories and pictures to help you remember.
* Express your love. Do nice things for your lover or your friends.

I know that I have a long way to go before jealousy is no longer in control of me. But I am determined to get that point. And I always succeed where I am truly determined.

“There is no graceful way to unlearn jealousy” – The Ethical Slut

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, jealousy by Lighthouse
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My boyfriend is a great cook, so when he offers to cook for me, it is sometimes hard to say no. Last night I rejected his offer to make me delicious from scratch chocolate chip cookies. That’s right, I rejected chocolate chip cookies! My rejection of his offer was not a reflection on him or his ability to cook, he’s a tasty cook. My rejection wasn’t representative of how I think the food might taste. It is a reflection of how I’m feeling at that time and what I want for myself. I wasn’t hungry and I was tired.

People aren’t food, unless you’re a bear, so how this works between people seems more complicated than not being hungry. In the beginning, we make it more complicated, especially when we are just getting to know someone, usually because we over invest emotions. We think it means something is wrong with us, or that it is some indelible edict on our character, or that so-&-so from elementary school was right or that we will never be lovable! Maybe there is something wrong with the other person, we may tell ourselves.

What it really comes down to is: rejection is information.

What we choose to do with that information is up to us. If I were the cookie from earlier, I might think that maybe my chips aren’t large enough. Or that my ingredients aren’t good enough. Or that I’m not soft enough, or I’m too hard, or that I will never be eaten. Or that the rejecter has food issues. I might be really happy I got rejected, as it would mean that I got to “live” another day. I might think a lot of things that make something seem like it is about me, and isn’t. It is only about me in the sense that I’m involved—the rejection of the cookie is a message that what I have to offer and what the other person wants are not well matched, and it may be better for both of us to find something more compatible, or change. If you are a cookie and are happy being a cookie, then find someone who wants to eat you!

I’ve been lucky enough to experience an “ideal” rejection. Several years ago I did a lot of online dating. One gentleman comes to mind whom I will call Ravi. Ravi and I went out about 3 or 4 times and for me, it felt like there were fireworks going off despite a few reservations, and I thought they were going off for him to, until I received this e-mail:

I’ve been thinking about you and I, and while I very much enjoy being with you, something is off for me. Call it chemistry I guess. It’s strange. I enjoy your company, being with you, and who you are as a person, but I recognize the feeling that is coming up for me, and I thought that while it is sad and difficult for me to write this that I needed to tell you sooner than later. If you would like to talk, let me know.

I had never been so thoughtfully and kindly rejected. I didn’t entirely understand what he meant by chemistry, as we sure seemed to have a lot of that during our make-out sessions. Later I realized that chemistry is more than just physical, and if I were more honest with myself and less hopeful, I would have come to the same conclusion earlier. This is only one of many kinds of rejection, and it is one of the first hurdles we face in creating a great relationship.

For me, this was a gift! It was someone who respected his own time, and mine enough to let me know that he didn’t think we were compatible and to let me know directly. He was also modeling good self-care, and respectfully communicating his needs. His rejection wasn’t against me, it was for him. This allowed both of us to go on to find people that we were more compatible with, like my boyfriend who is a tasty cook.

Lexi*B

Tags: Lexi, rejection by Lexi
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