Sophisticated Relationships

“Until you’ve learned to ignore your inner critic, your fears will feel like reality, not illusion. Anyone can fall into this trap,”
~Christine Comaford-Lynch

Lighthouse and I have been learning more about self acceptance lately. I certainly have room for more acceptance. Almost two years ago I was lamenting my life and I was asked two questions. The first one:

Did I believe that I had a right to exist as I am.

My answer was no.

There are many reasons why I did not have a right, nor did I deserve to exist as I was. My body wasn’t perfect. I was in a job I hated and unwilling to leave for now. I wasn’t always able to be nice or kind especially when others weren’t, I wasn’t always — you name it, if I couldn’t be as good at something as I thought I should be, it meant I was somehow unacceptable.

The second question, equally as difficult, was:

Did I believe that as I am is good enough? Absolutely not!

Where could I start? If I didn’t believe I had the right to exist as I was, I certainly wasn’t going to believe that I was good enough as I am, without changing a thing!

If had a right to exist as I was, then so did others, if I was good enough as I was, then so were others. And while I can know it is true on an intellectual level, on a feeling level I felt a mass of discomfort forming in my stomach: If everyone is theoretically acceptable what about those who hurt me or others?

If people accept themselves as they are, why would they change? What would be their motives to improve or stop hurting others? What would be my motives for becoming a ‘better’ human? Some of my fears are misconceptions about what acceptance of self actually means.

After a lot of thought, I boiled down the problem. I value self-improvement. If I’m not improving, than what good am I? Another misconception.

It seems to think in terms of whether or not people have value at all, is harmful to self acceptance.

So what had me on this frenetic never ending treadmill of self-improvement? The engine of self-rejection, also known as my Inner Critic.

The inner critic, while useful for some, and non-existent for others– was interfering with acceptance of myself. I couldn’t understand: how I would improve if I accepted myself as I am, how would I grow and change for the better?

My inner critic isn’t all bad, and it isn’t all good. It is what it is, which happens to be a part of me. Here are some examples of where my inner critic has played a role in my life:

My inner critic may drive me to eat better, exercise which has a natural benefit of feeling better and my inner critic won’t notice that I’m healthier. Instead, it will notice that I still have cellulite on my legs when I squeeze them and then tell me that I bad for having that. My inner critic may be part of what drove me to go to college which has been helpful in my life, but when I didn’t have a 4.0, my inner critic whispered that I didn’t deserve to be thought of as competent, turn up the speed on that treadmill?

My inner critic told me “why bother” because I wouldn’t do something well, and sometimes I’d try, or I distracted myself from the critic’s voice and sometimes I didn’t bother.

The biggest advantage of my inner critic: any criticism someone had of me or anything negative someone could say about me, I’ve already said to myself. It made living up to my value of honesty about my mistakes easier because often times I noticed that people did not judge me as harshly as I judge myself, if at all. I don’t need much protection from other’s judgments these days– judgments are just opinions and everybody has one.

A year ago, my inner critic would have been trying to trip me up by telling me whatever I’m writing is stupid and it would be terrible if others thought that too. Guess what, someone *will* think that, and that’s okay!

Two years ago, my inner critic would have criticized you for not criticizing me. And now, I can accept when others are please with something I do as is. My inner critic occasionally still criticizes traits in others that I don’t want in myself.

I have a lot less inner critic than I used to. I still have some transformation to go– as I, like everyone else, am a work in progress. My biggest stumbling block to accepting myself, was failing every time I tried and being unable to accept failure and consequently myself and then trying harder and failing more and feeling worse which drove my critic to . . . ad nauseum.

I’ll share a small example of one of the ways I took step toward self-acceptance.

One train that my inner critic enjoyed taking a ride on was this: a messy dwelling is a sign of laziness, incompetence, stupidity, clutter-bug habits, which in and of itself is another sign of mental deficiency in some way. If a messy dwelling is a mystical portal into the soul of the dweller, than that means I must be lazy, incompetent, stupid, disorganized and mentally deficient.

Rationally I knew this wasn’t true, but it felt true. So I decided to act opposite to my feeling, or ‘failed’ on purpose. I chose not to clean my place, and every time I heard myself saying “I should” I would answer back that I was choosing not to and it did not mean any of those things, most of which have been internalized from outside sources. And eventually, the feeling of something wrong with me subsided.

Some time later, I noticed that I was cleaning, not because I had too, but because I enjoyed the result. As the anxiety of the inner critic died down, I found more room to breath, the ability to take a break, and then listen for the joy. I suspect accepting the room as messy made room from the more positive feelings about cleaning it.

Rather than living with judgment from my inner critic, I want to be more often in a place, where I can look at things with curiosity, compassion and accountability, rather than from a place of comparison, frustration and disgust. For now, I’m am learning to give myself room to breath and accept myself as I am maybe radically..

So is my place still messy? Sometimes, and that’s okay.

Lexi*

Tags: Lexi, authentic, expectations, insight, relationship with self by Lexi
1 Comment »

“We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other peoples’ models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open.” – Shakti Gawain

Ever since my last appointment with Dr. Zzzz, I’ve been thinking about the concept of self-acceptance. When I read the The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, self-acceptance was the chapter I was the least interested in, the chapter I wanted to gloss over the most… and ironically, it was the chapter I needed to pay the most attention to (it’s always like that, isn’t it?).

The philosophy group I belong to decided to read Radical Acceptance (which Dr. Zzzz had recommended). Most of us had a copy on our bookshelves already but had not read it. I reluctantly opened the pages… and then found myself totally engrossed in the book. It’s very well written… and it feels like it was written just for me. Sigh.

Tara Brach defines Radical Acceptance as the cultivation of mindfulness and compassion. “For so many of us, feelings of deficiency are right around the corner. It doesn’t take much – just hearing of someone else’s accomplishments, being criticized, getting into an argument, making a mistake at work – to make us feel that we are not okay.”

I know this is certainly true for me. I can be feeling great one minute, and then some incident will happen and all my self-doubts come crushing in.

“Convinced that we are not good enough, we can never relax. We stay on guard, monitoring ourselves for shortcomings. When we inevitably find them, we feel even more insecure and undeserving. We have to try even harder. The irony of all of this is… where do we think we are going anyway?”"…We must overcome our flaws by controlling our bodies, controlling our emotions, controlling our natural surroundings, controlling other people. And we must strive tirelessly – working, acquiring, consuming, achieving, e-mailing, over-committing and rushing – in a never-ending quest to prove ourselves once and for all.”

There are many things, Tara Brach points out, that we do to “manage the pain of inadequacy”:

* Embark on one self-improvement project after another – Rather than relaxing and enjoying who we are and what we’re doing, we are comparing ourselves with an ideal and trying to make up for the difference.
* Hold back and play it safe rather than risking failure – Playing it safe requires that we avoid risky situations – which covers pretty much all of life.
* Withdraw from our experience of the present moment – We pull away from the raw feelings of fear and shame by incessantly telling ourselves stories about what is happening in our life. [...] Living in the future creates the illusion that we are managing our life and steels us against personal failure.
* Keep busy – Staying occupied is a socially sanctioned way of remaining distant from our pain. How often do we hear that someone who has just lost a dear one is “doing a good job at keeping busy”?
* Become our own worst critics – Staying on top of what is wrong with us gives us the sense that we are controlling our impulses, disguising our weaknesses and possibly improving our character.
* Focus on other people’s faults – Every time we hide a defeat we reinforce the fear that we are insufficient. When we strive to impress or outdo others, we strengthen the underlying belief that we are not enough as we are.

Whenever we reject a part of our being, we are confirming to ourselves our fundamental unworthiness.When we learn to face and feel the fear and shame we habitually avoid, we begin to awaken from trance. We free ourselves to respond to our circumstances in ways that bring genuine peace and happiness.

So what do we do?

The first step, is to identify the beliefs that we have that make us feel unworthy (“Do I accept my body as it is? Do I judge myself for not being intelligent/interesting/funny enough? Am I ashamed of feeling jealous?” etc). Throughout the day, start to become aware (without judging) of how you relate to yourself and your behaviors. Notice what your inner critic is saying to you.

Learn to recognize the thoughts you are having. When the inner-critic starts battling with you, don’t engage. Recognize the voice simply as a passing thought. Just allow the thought and its associated feelings to move through you. Notice what your body does in reaction to your thoughts.

Then… learn to “pause”.

What if we were to intentionally stop our mental computations and our rushing around and, for a minute or two, simply pause and notice our inner experience? A pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal. In a pause, we simply discontinue whatever we are doing – thinking, talking, walking, writing, planning, worrying, eating – and become wholeheartedly present, attentive and, often, physically still. A pause is, by nature, time limited. We resume our activities but we do so with increased presence and more ability to make choices.

I’ve decided to choose several times during the day to practice pausing. Every morning, I wake up and make a cup of tea (it’s one of my favorite morning rituals) and sit down at my computer. Before engaging with my computer, I sit and observe what is happening in my body. There’s nothing for me to “do” except listen. There are several more times during the day where I make tea, and every time I sit back down to begin working, I pause and listen.

The book describes some common misunderstandings about radical acceptance:

* It is not resignation.
* It does not mean defining ourselves by our limitations. It is not an excuse for withdrawal.
* It is not self-indulgence.
* It does not make us passive.
* It doesn’t mean accepting a “self”.

So accepting everything means that we are aware of what is happening in our body and mind in any given moment, without trying to control or judge or pull away. It does not mean putting up with harmful behavior. It means feeling sorrow and pain without resisting. It means feeling desire or dislike for someone without judging ourselves for the feeling or being driven to act on it. Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is Radical Acceptance.

It’s been interesting for me to really begin to pay attention to all the things that are happening in my body throughout the day. I didn’t realize how disconnected I could be – or how quickly disconnected I could become. Scheduled pauses gives me an opportunity to check in with myself several times throughout the day – while at the same time, allowing me to practice for emotionally intense moments where a pause has the potential to make all the difference.

If any of you have any experience with these techniques, I would love to hear about them.

“I must learn to love the fool in me—the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”- Theodore Rubin

Shine on!

*~Lighthouse~*

Tags: Lighthouse, authentic, happiness, insight, love, relationship with self, self-esteem, well-being by Lighthouse
2 Comments »

The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear. ~Aung San Suu Kyi

 

 Recently a friend of mine commented that I’m usually pretty positive and I’m usually talking about all the things that I’m doing that help me make progress. He then asked the very incisive question:

What are you not doing? You talk a lot about things you’re working on to progress yourself. There must be something you’re not taking action toward which bothers you. What is it? Why aren’t you doing it?

The question got me thinking. I made a list of many things that I’m not doing that bother me on some level or another. Some of the things on the list include:

• Not doing weight resistant training to help with bone density
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”
• Forgiveness
• Expressing as much love as I feel

One thing I noticed, is that nothing on my list is something that someone else thinks I “should” do, and I feel bad about not doing. For me, this is an improvement. A friend of mine has this issue– in that she feels that if a guy pays for her on a date, she “should” have sex with him! And feels bad if she doesn’t. To me, this seems like stinkin’ thinkin, and that’s another story.

The other thing I noticed, is that everything that is on my list of things I’m not doing and feel bad about has something in common. At the root of my list, lies fear.

Fear is sometimes a natural and rational thing to feel. Especially when in danger, as the rather famous book The Gift of Fear talks about, the first few pages detail that rather well, and you can read it in the “Search inside the book” section. This is not the kind of fear I’m talking about.

My fear seems self created because of how I’m thinking about the situation, not because the situation itself holds any real danger or harm. I’m afraid to do these things, and on the other hand I feel bad about not doing them– it’s a no-win situation!

My fear is taking a toll on my happiness. I let my fear prevent me from being healthier and more fulfilled. I let my fear block a deeper connection with loved ones.  

If it were not for my friend’s tough question, I might have continued on in some kind of limbo between denial and fear, that makes moving through life feel dense. And if it weren’t for my openness to growth, I may have found his question offensive.

So what is it that I’m afraid of with each action that I am not taking?

• Not doing weight resistant training: Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more
• Not quitting my job and going for one that is more appropriate for serving what I feel is closer to my “purpose”: Fear of responsibility and failure
• Forgiveness: Fear of what I will tell myself if it happens again
• Expressing as much love as I feel: Fear of getting hurt

If I hadn’t been asked this question, I wouldn’t be able to see some of the ways in which I’m holding myself back, because of the things I tell myself that make me afraid. Being able to examine the fear, helps me be able to respond to it, rather than react. 

My responses:

• Fear of pain/hurting my shoulder more: I don’t have to do the movements that cause pain; Make an appointment with a physical therapist
• Fear of responsibility and failure: Responsible is part of who I want to be; “Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down” (Mary Pickford) 
• Fear of being hurt: Being hurt is a part of life, and growing my confidence and ability to take care of myself regardless of what others are doing, or the events in my life, will help be fear emotional pain less and forgiviness is good for the forgiver
• Fear of intimacy: I would regret more not giving my heart and it’s potential breakage than keeping it in a box to rot on its own

These are all things that have taking me a while to think about and work out for myself.  The conclusions work for me, and may not work for others. I did not arrive at them by myself, I had help thinking and feeling myself out of my captivating fear.

This ”help” piece is important.  Sometimes it is appropriate to ask for or accept outside help, and fear gets in our way of doing this– fear that we will not see ourselves the same if we ask for help, fear that others will not see us the same way, fear about what asking for help means.  And while there is some merit to trying to do things on your own, there is also merit to knowing when to seek a source outside oneself– while being able to screen that information against your own sense of truth.   

Had I not looked at what I was not doing and why, I would not have an opportunity to take action. The most difficult? Quitting my job and looking for a more appropriate one. I’m fortunate because my circumstances are helping my hand, and if they were not, I would help myself find a way to quit.

As I was looking for some help on the topic, I came across this PDF from Bill Pullen that asks three pertinent questions:

• What are you not doing because you are afraid?
• What does inaction cost you?
• What is one step you can take to get started?

I leave you with a quote from a friend of mine in college:

Fear is a creation that is used for control, and creating from fear, from non-reality, is what causes the world we exist in to become dense. ~Paige

Cheers,

Lexi.

Tags: Lexi, action, anxiety, competence, forgiveness, insight, love, relationship with self, self care by Lexi
8 Comments »