Rejection is Information
My boyfriend is a great cook, so when he offers to cook for me, it is sometimes hard to say no. Last night I rejected his offer to make me delicious from scratch chocolate chip cookies. That’s right, I rejected chocolate chip cookies! My rejection of his offer was not a reflection on him or his ability to cook, he’s a tasty cook. My rejection wasn’t representative of how I think the food might taste. It is a reflection of how I’m feeling at that time and what I want for myself. I wasn’t hungry and I was tired.
People aren’t food, unless you’re a bear, so how this works between people seems more complicated than not being hungry. In the beginning, we make it more complicated, especially when we are just getting to know someone, usually because we over invest emotions. We think it means something is wrong with us, or that it is some indelible edict on our character, or that so-&-so from elementary school was right or that we will never be lovable! Maybe there is something wrong with the other person, we may tell ourselves.
What it really comes down to is: rejection is information.
What we choose to do with that information is up to us. If I were the cookie from earlier, I might think that maybe my chips aren’t large enough. Or that my ingredients aren’t good enough. Or that I’m not soft enough, or I’m too hard, or that I will never be eaten. Or that the rejecter has food issues. I might be really happy I got rejected, as it would mean that I got to “live” another day. I might think a lot of things that make something seem like it is about me, and isn’t. It is only about me in the sense that I’m involved—the rejection of the cookie is a message that what I have to offer and what the other person wants are not well matched, and it may be better for both of us to find something more compatible, or change. If you are a cookie and are happy being a cookie, then find someone who wants to eat you!
I’ve been lucky enough to experience an “ideal” rejection. Several years ago I did a lot of online dating. One gentleman comes to mind whom I will call Ravi. Ravi and I went out about 3 or 4 times and for me, it felt like there were fireworks going off despite a few reservations, and I thought they were going off for him to, until I received this e-mail:
I’ve been thinking about you and I, and while I very much enjoy being with you, something is off for me. Call it chemistry I guess. It’s strange. I enjoy your company, being with you, and who you are as a person, but I recognize the feeling that is coming up for me, and I thought that while it is sad and difficult for me to write this that I needed to tell you sooner than later. If you would like to talk, let me know.
I had never been so thoughtfully and kindly rejected. I didn’t entirely understand what he meant by chemistry, as we sure seemed to have a lot of that during our make-out sessions. Later I realized that chemistry is more than just physical, and if I were more honest with myself and less hopeful, I would have come to the same conclusion earlier. This is only one of many kinds of rejection, and it is one of the first hurdles we face in creating a great relationship.
For me, this was a gift! It was someone who respected his own time, and mine enough to let me know that he didn’t think we were compatible and to let me know directly. He was also modeling good self-care, and respectfully communicating his needs. His rejection wasn’t against me, it was for him. This allowed both of us to go on to find people that we were more compatible with, like my boyfriend who is a tasty cook.
[...] Date Blog King wrote an interesting post today on Rejection is InformationHere’s a quick excerptSeveral years ago I did a lot of online dating. One gentleman comes to mind whom I will call Ravi. Ravi and I went out about 3 or 4 times and… [...]
I can’t say enough good things about this post, as it is *absolutely* right.
I, too, was fortunate to have a partially ideal rejection. While it came at a horrible time (he and I were supposed to be moving into an apartment together at the time – this would have been MUCH better earlier…), he made it very clear that he liked who I was, spending time with me, and that he didn’t want me to change for him — but that he knew, deep down, that in the forever way — I wasn’t what he wanted. The old “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you” idea.
I know I’ll never forget him saying, “You’re the perfect girlfriend – you’re just not perfect for *me*, and you should be with someone who appreciates you more than I can.”
And within a year, he and I both found people we want to spend the rest of our lives with.
At the time, the rejection felt righteously shitty, but looking at my life now, I can’t imagine a kinder thing to do for someone you care about than being entirely honest like that.
And with my current boyfriend, well, I lucked out.
I think that’s a rather foggy description. One could argue that ‘acceptance’ is information too. I disagree on the whole that rejection is incoming information from the offered party, but rather an interpretation of that feedback.
One of the golden rules of auditioning is “It’s selection, not rejection”. The client does not reject you, they simply select another alternative. You cant afford to feel rejected over every audition. You have to make the choice to interpret that feedback in a more constructive – or at least neutral – manner.
The same is with case of the cookies. You are not rejecting his offer, but rather preferring another alternative – not having cookies at all being the alternative. If he interprets your choice as rejection, it would do him good to understand what your preferred alternative to having cookies is. His initial offer is not so much about cookies as it is his wanting to do something nice for you.
I’m sure you’ll want ‘cookies’ some other time.
Rae–
Yeah, looking at rejection as information definitly doesn’t mean “no pain”, especially if we are already in a relationship– although it can help me manage my “bounce-back” better.
I’m glad you found a better match!
Jeremy–
Acceptance *is* information. Really it is all information, and seeing rejection that way helps manage expectations. Furthermore, I like your perspective on rejection a lot!
When I see rejection as information, rather than as some personal flaw, I am more like to be able to come to your pov: You have to make the choice to interpret that feedback in a more constructive – or at least neutral – manner. The other alternative, is a better match!
And I am rejecting his offer of cookies AND prefering another alternative (a better match). There is nothing about rejection itself that causes pain, it is what we meaning we attach to and what we think about that rejection that causes pain. We reject things everyday and get rejected everyday– and most of the time it doesn’t bother us.
And you are right, I will want cookies some other time!
Hmmm the italics on that didn’t work out so much.
“I think that’s a rather foggy description. One could argue that ‘acceptance’ is information too. I disagree on the whole that rejection is incoming information from the offered party, but rather an interpretation of that feedback”
It is. What I suspect she was trying to emphasize is not that rejection is good, but that it starts as just information. ‘he rejected me’. then you infer various things from it.
if you think about that process rationally – recognize that it’s just information, and apply understanding and observation to make your inference – then you will end up with a more useful set of data than if you jump straight through the rational part and let the part of your brain which handles pattern recognition deal with it.
*that part* is built to assume a pattern, and it picks evidence from your memories selectively; if you let *it* handle the logic, you end up scrabbling for your own flaws, desperate to figure out what’s wrong with you, that all these people keep rejecting you.
I like the way you used the cookie example/analogy. Very cute but also easy to understand.
[...] thinking, rejection is just information. It does not need to affect our sense of self, but rather, it can be used to guide us towards [...]
[...] about myself is different because my beliefs and perceptions changed. By understanding that rejection is information, and not something to worry about, I can make a more informed decision about my [...]