How to Catch a . . .
It makes little difference how much you love someone, the issue is: How you feel about yourself when you’re with that person and in the relationship in general in terms of your own behavior.
Many years ago, when I was a little girl my dad had a friend, Chrissy, that I called “The Billy-Goat Laugh Lady”. You can imagine why. According to my dad, she ran classes for women called “How to Catch a Husband.” The seminars were not as mercenary sounding as the title, nor the audience it attracted.
While it is unlikely that she told my dad all of the “trade secrets”, she did tell him that one of the exercises she created for the women was: Write on a blank sheet of paper all the things they wanted in a man. They had five minutes. Almost every woman had no problem filling this out.
When that was over, many of the women undoubtedly felt very satisfied that they knew exactly what they wanted. They probably felt entitled to it. After all, they were attractive, well decorated, tigers in the bedroom, and, isn’t that all that any man really wants? Not so much if he wants to engage his more refined sensibilities.
Time to turn the paper over and write down all the things they brought to the relationship. Uh-oh. According to my dad, most of them had trouble coming up with more than five things. Often on the top five were cooking, sex and motherhood. I sure hope things have changed since the 1980’s. Cooking, sex and motherhood are wonderful things, and if that’s all that I’m supposed to be, I already broke the box.
My perception of what Chrissy was trying to do was: Helping those women understand that if they wanted a dynamic and engaging man, each would have to be a dynamic and engaging woman. These women would have to provide value beyond sex, cooking and motherhood.
I think we’ve all met at least one male or female who could benefit from questions like Chrissy’s. They are that person that is always complaining of their status in singledom. Maybe he doesn’t take very good care of himself, yet expects her to always be perfect. Perhaps she doesn’t introspect, and spends time blaming the people who reject her as shallow, rather than accepting the reality that they aren’t a good match for what she has to offer.
Then there is the guy that believes that women must like to be treated badly because they are not with him. Maybe he’s the guy who pretends to be your friend, so when you have a vulnerable moment, like you were just dumped, or someone just died, he can swoop in and be the false hero. In truth he is just as bad as the guy that treats her badly and she puts up with, because that is what is familiar.
Perhaps she goes out of her way to help you, when you have not asked for help, and she expects more than a thank you in return, and oh- by the way, if you don’t know what she expects, even though you haven’t been told or given the choice for terms—that’s your fault too. Can we say co-dependent? He goes out of his way to be a jerk because he is afraid of being controlled.
- What qualities do you want in a mate (what makes you feel loved)?
- How will you know that person has X quality?
- What qualities do you offer in a relationship?
- What do you do or say that is helpful in attracting the kind of person you desire to have in your life?
- What do you do that will interfere with your goal of attracting and staying engaged with a mate?
- What are you willing to work on about yourself?
- What are you not willing/able to change?
These questions can be used to find a mate that is a good match. This is not about turning these desires into expectations. This is to help you identify the kind of person you think you want to get to know and being able to mutually contribute to each other’s lives. Getting to know them is an ongoing process and can take a lot longer than the few weeks or months of “good” behavior many people are on when they first meet someone. Stick around to see if they walk their talk before making any commitments or taking potentially regrettable actions.
Lexi*B
[...] Sophisticated Relationships wrote an interesting post today on How to Catch a . . .Here’s a quick excerptHow to Catch a . . . November 1st, 2007 It makes little difference how much you love someone, … to my dad, she ran classes for women called “How to Catch a Husband.” The seminars were … , most of them had trouble coming up with more than five things. Often on the top five were cooking [...]
I really liked this post.
I think that people (myself included) who have lists sometimes get preoccupied with finding what’s on the list and not necessarily understanding the “why” behind it.
Sure, everyone wants a partner who has a good sense of humor (because let’s face it, if senses of humor don’t match up, you won’t last long!), who is smart, kind, etc. But I find that when you take a moment to look at things – I mean REALLY look at them – the list of what you want in a partner is really a list of what you want for yourself.
For instance, I wanted a man who was smart, funny, nerdy, taller than me, financially stable, emotionally intelligent and available, and creative. What does that say about me? That I needed to be with someone whom I respected (smart/nerdy) and who could keep up with my intelligence. (Meaning that I was bringing intelligence to the table too) Someone funny (meaning I wanted to laugh and was willing to bring my readiness to laugh and my own sense of humor to the table). Etc… You see where I’m going, I’m sure. Taller than me? Well, I wanted to feel feminine and protected standing next to him. The other side of this is that he gets to play the dashing hero from time to time, if it’s his aim to do so.
What I think is funny is when people dog “shallow” girls for saying that they want a man who is attractive and wealthy and that’s all they know. All that says to me is that they want someone who can take care of them — that they’re either insecure about their ability to provide for themselves, or that they are hoping to fill a traditional (albeit not socially popular) feminine gender role. At least gold diggers are being honest with themselves!
I do agree though, once you have a better understanding of yourself and what you actually need to be happy, it’s a lot easier to find someone who fits. Too many people look for fixer-uppers or worse decide to change themselves for the people they’re with. Lasting love is about finding someone who understands and appreciates you as is – and that you feel the same way about.
As a man of this day, I have to admit to desiring perhaps less quantifiable things: Wit; Independence.
Frank–
How would you know a woman was independent? Would she have her own job? A trust fund? Still get money from her parents? Have lots of credit card debt but have nice things that are distinctively her? Does she make her own decisions? Would she consult you for everything and make her decisions based solely on your opinon, or would she talk to you about what was up in her life and then if you gave input come to her own conclusions that may be what you thought too or was something else entirely?
I was a bit of it when I posted last and I can’t claimed to have regain sense. I believe I sought only to state that during that exercise, when the women have posted their qualities that I would without a doubt find them to be dull without the above two things that I have mentioned.
Earlier in my life I would have been able to answer that exercise as a reciprocal. I often had little clue what I would have answered for what I wanted in a woman and honestly had a relatively wide margin. For me, I felt that I was: attractive; witty; polite; motivated; independent; a competent and attentive lover; articulate; and creative.
I was worth more than I was trading myself at and a lot of that was based on my inability to market me. While I thought there were people out there, I felt like there were so many people like me looking to meet wonderful people – just unable to do it.
To address independence: This is not particularly a financial independence but more of an emotional independence. Simply that she would and likes to exist in life without me. That we choose to be with one another each day until either one of us chooses not to be with one another.
Wonderful Blog and article Lexi. thanks for leaving a comment on my Blog.
Funny thing Lexi, i ask myself some of thoses questions once in a while.
but Sometime i feel people can over thinks things. when i come to expectations and what one desires i think up until a certain point these two things that can make a person lose track of what they really want.
I feel when looking a person qualities one should really keep it simple and open.
Cheers,
Joe
That’s pretty funny about the paper being turned over and having to write down what THEY bring to the relationship…
… I’ve found that most people don’t think like this at all.
Nice
Brad–
I think some people definitly have an “it’s all about me” attitude– whether it’s the “I’m the biggest piece of shit the world revolves around” or “why isn’t everyone pleasing me . . .”. I’ve found it helpful to my everyday satisfaction to focus more on how I’m contributing to the interaction, or what the mutual benefit is. (Not that I am always like that . . . anyway
Cheers!
Joe–
Yes, it is possible to over think something. What I’ve noticed I do with things like this (including life plans) is to write them, think about them and edit them for a few days,and then forget about them. Only I haven’t unconsciously forgotten about them! I would say that it could interfere with one’s ability to find a match if one were always holding people up to a list.
Thanks for your comment!
Cheers!
I agree about what you said lexi, that one of the reasons i decided to start a blog myself.
you sound like me when i’m writing. i write it, think about it, and go back to it after a few days and edit it. i see we have that in common. honestly whether it’s music,art or life in general, i tend to do that anyways. it’s the only way i can ” tame the muse” since most of my life is a journey about how people i see feel, and look, i tend to see a different side of life… the roots of the tree (you could say) or the whats under the ice berg. that is both a burden and blessing alone.
as for your blog subject. i always think it good to have a “love map” to have some ideas and qualities, that you’re looking for in a relationship. Ihonestly i think the people who make these crazy list with a thousand demand that are impossible for a person to live up too. dont know who they or what they want (in a sense) and are being absolutely unrealistic. there so obsessed about of checking things of these list, that there dont see the real qualities in a person and they miss out.
another thing i find. (which you talk about) is people have a list of things they want in others. when they should really be making a list of there qualities, because in the end, thoses are the actually qualities there looking for. not this disillusioned and sociological list, society thinks they partner should meet. some standard of norms and mores.
on a lighter note.
thank you!, Lexi I have a great respect for you. i hope that Boyfriend of yours know how lucky he is, too have such a articulate and intelligent women by his side. I always enjoy your post on david’s site. I think you raise the intelligence of the posts, and hopefully make the people who post on your blog and david’s. like me Lexi you want people to stop, breathe, and actually think about things in there life on a deep level.
cheers,
Joe
Very interesting article!
what i bring to the table? ability to listen although sometimes i have selective hearing. nurturing, trying to help you along your path, nudging you to motivate yourself. desire to have fun, playfulness. wanting to engage. i give a good massage too!
what i want: someone who stops to smell the roses and yet appreciates the thorns. someone capable of letting me in emotionally. (maybe I struggle with this myself)
a barrier i create, becoming too involved in him and his needs to the point of neglecting my own.
what i bring to the table, flaws, inconsistencies, uncertainties, demands for time. He never never wanted what i thought that he would eventually. sex was love for me, it was sex for him.