Love vs In Love
“Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold.” – Zelda Fitzgerald
There is a difference between love and being in love. I can love my friend, my sister, my cat, my blog… But being IN LOVE with someone has a different meaning.
Johnny Seitan and I dated for 7 years. We had a great relationship… we rarely fought, we loved the same music, we liked doing the same things, we traveled well together, our love life was good. Our relationship was ideal in many, many ways… except that Johnny wasn’t passionate about me. He loved me. He enjoyed spending time with me, but he wasn’t IN LOVE with me. It took me a long time to realize that’s what was missing from the relationship, and that it was a really important component of what I wanted.
I’ll start with some definitions (I realize that there are many, many definitions of love – but I chose descriptions that I related to).
Love – To take delight or pleasure in; to have a strong liking or desire for, or interest in; to be pleased with.
Limerence – An involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person.
So the difference between love and being in love is limerence… the intense romantic desire.
Johnny Seitan certainly liked being around me, he found me attractive, but he was lacking the intense romantic desire for me. I knew that something wasn’t right, but so many things were perfect that I couldn’t really justify leaving the relationship for a long time. Eventually I did break things off – still without knowing exactly why – which was painful for both Johnny and I. It took me a long time to figure out what had happened.
In researching this blog topic, I came across Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love and found it particularly interesting.
“In the triangular theory of love, love is characterized by three elements: intimacy, passion and commitment. Each of these elements can be present in a relationship, producing the following combinations:”
I really like how this theory describes various types of love… And it immediately brings several questions to mind. What kind of relationship are you in? What kind of relationship is acceptable for you? What do you want? What is missing? What can you improve?
“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” Flavia Weedn
*~Lighthouse~*
Very well put! Thank you for sharing this. I’ve yet to come across anyone who didn’t get defensive when told that a difference DOES exist between loving and being IN love.
Turning it around just a little bit, I’ve come to value this book: He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. They cover so many ways that chicks will convince themselves that if they just cut him a little slack, he’ll… (whatever they’re hoping for.)
The trick seems to be making sure that a guy is *into* you, into figuring out how to make you smile, into being in your company (proud to know you) and other notions along those lines.
And then, that such attraction has enough mutual pull to keep both parties involved.
Sheilagh! I *love* He’s Just Not That Into You
I have to agree with alot of what you’ve said here Lighthouse. i had a relationship with a women, that was quite similar. she wasnt really “limerence” for me. I’ve yet to meet a women who shares the same “limerence” as i do. as for there being two different types of love. I grew up in a culture, where the word “love” is only use when you really mean it. otherwise you say you “like” something or someone or you care for them deeply.. i feel lthe word love is one of the most over abused word, beside i’m sorry. and should only be used where you’re “in love” with someone.
as for what Sheilagh said
” The trick seems to be making sure that a guy is *into* you, into figuring out how to make you smile, into being in your company (proud to know you) and other notions along those lines”
I think the same should go for women. ” where are the women who are like that?” because so far i’ve yet to meet or date a women, with limerence or is geuinely interested in me…
Cheers,
(darkpoet) Joe
(darkpoet) Joe,
“I think the same should go for women. ” where are the women who are like that?” because so far i’ve yet to meet or date a women, with limerence or is geuinely interested in me…”
I think this has a lot to do with people being honest with each other. We are afraid to tell each other how we *really* feel because we are afraid of how the other person will respond. Will they like me as much as I like them? Will they be hurt if I tell them the truth? etc., etc. And in the end, we are left with some sort of muted limerence and everyone ends up confused and/or hurt.
I am working on communicating with people in an “undefended” way. Which means, I am trying to express myself to people honestly without fearing their response. I certainly have a long way to go, but I am hoping to inspire the same behavior in others.
Thank you for your insightful comment!
I love my children, I love my dog – love – and being in love are a huge separation. Great article. I am “in love”. NIce
Just a short note : If you’ve read Dorothy Tenov’s book on the subject., you must be aware that everyone doesn’t experience limerence. It is what you say above, an involuntary state. Because it can be painful to have love not returned, even some who did experience limerence, sometimes elect not to go there again.
Given that limerence may not be universal, nor always desirable, the only characteristic that distinguishes “love” from being “in love” is the intensity of the feelings. We all get to choose how intensely we need to feel all the things you have listed under “love” before we judge ourselves to legitimately be “in love.”
I’m wondering if perhaps your feelings about Johnny simply weren’t reciprocated with equal intensity. When I have felt intensely about someone and my intensity wasn’t matched, I was still “in love” with that person, experiencing limerence, he simply wasn’t responding the same way. I chose to renegotiate our relationship until it was back in balance. We were able to keep the “love” that was there as a close friendship. No need to throw out the baby with the bath water.
I think the more interesting distinction is between the emotional response of “love” which is largely driven by the qualities of the other person we desire, and the verb “to love” which is more about our behaviors with respect to that person. Often I hear people claiming they love someone and what I note is that they are describing their emotional attraction and desire for that person. The behavior they exhibit is far from loving. Where this seems most obvious is when someone chooses to lie to someone because they “love” them, or elects to break an agreement with one lover because they “love” another. Ouch! I wouldn’t want to be the recipient of that sort of love.
can anybody validate leaving a 29 year relationship that is warm and committed, for an intense 9 year romantic, passionate relationship that is the very breath of my soul? walking in these shoes is beyond painful, but it makes me realize that love and being in love are two very different states, and once you have felt the magic of the latter it is indeed impossible to live without it…
The difference between love and in love is that love doesn’t stop. They usually call love that doesn’t stop “unconditional” love but any love that is “conditional” isn’t love at all. I think the biggest difference is that people who are in love can fall out of love but you can never stop loving someone. Ever. The two can overlap and you can love someone AND be in love with someone but I don’t think you fall out of love with someone and actually love them. Love can be free of sexual passion but it isn’t always but being in love requires it. I slept with this guy for a year convinced I loved him but I actually was just in love with him and I fell out of love also. I think being in love with someone is a much weaker emotion then actually loving someone.
(darkpoet )Joe
You probably won’t ever see this, you’re last entry was 11/07 – but here goes – I absolutely agree with you _ I just got asked if I knew the difference between being in love or (as he put it Saying I love you) – You are ( I believe absolutly right) I’m afraid to just let it out and say it!!! I’m a Virgo – supposed to be a communicater – I’m workink on it, but…Well, I hope that by now you’re happy and “In Love” , you’re insight has been helpful, butv I guess I’m just not there yet – Hope you are & HAPPY!! Thanks -a-Lot T.T.
What is moderation?
I’m in love with someone now. Being “in love” is temporary, transitory. It could turn into my loving him (which is permanent), but right now we just enjoy each other in bed more than anything!To me, it’s more than sex; to him, it isn’t. But I don’t wantit to stop.
Ya’ll should read, the five love languages… just for the knowledge that ‘being in love’ doesn’t last forever…
Just had to explain this to a friend. Love is what remains after all the trials and tribulations, after all the hurt and pain, with all the flaws pure love outlasts it all. In love is for a moment, an instance, but not a lifetime. People ‘fall’ in and out of love everyday.
I belive love, in all it’s deep, dark secretive places permiates our very soul. When we meet love, we disappear and what we become is lost through time as if we had never lived before. We become who we have always been but never really have known. Love brings us on a journey of birthing as never before lived. We are home within each other’s soul where the essence of life ignites all passions.
I guess I am a bit confused at the moment in my love life. I was dating a man for 1 1/2 years (that was 2 years ago), I fell head over heels for him, and him for me. The thing is, that relationship after almost half a year, turned quite sour. We fought all the time (fights turned physical) but to this day I cannot stop loving him. Or what I thought was love. A very disturbed version of it, but it was magical nonetheless. Our breakup was heart-wrenching and it took me a long time to accept it. But recently my ex is in contact with me, claiming the past 2 years have been torture living without me, claiming he’s changed and in MANY ways, so have I…. But i have already lost all trust with him and i don’t know that it’s possible to get that back now. I keep telling myself that I am “in love” with him because that passion, that desire, it’s all still there. No one else has ever made me feel that way. Not even my current boyfriend. We’ve been dating for 4 months and this love issue came into play and i know i LOVE him, but as far as being “in love” with him, i’m just not sure I am or ever will be. It’s taking a huge toll on us and I’m just so uncertain about it now. I don’t want him out of my life because i DO love him very much. We’ve been friends for almost a year and dating for 4 months. I think my ex is just a fantasy in my head that I am holding onto, but I also NEED that limerence with someone. I don’t feel that LOVE by itself is complete for me, I don’t know what to do and I’m at a huge standstill with my boyfriend. :/
the guy i was seeing that says we are broke up asked me tonite if i was in love with him. i made the mistake of saying “I love you” after having sex with him and blaming it on the oxytocin. He didn’t want me to be. I think that i am. the part about being in love requriing physical intimacy, yeah, i don’t want to just be his friend and he either doesn’t want to be or isn’t in love with me. it’s gone and i’m really not letting him go.
I was confused and came here for clarification. all i know is that my life was brighter with him in it. i miss him when he’s not around. maybe that’s more like smothering to him. i just wanted to want and be the way he needed me to be for him to stay in my life the way i wanted him to be. he never really wanted me in his life nor to be in mine to the level that i wanted him to be or that i wanted him to want me to be in his. his mom came by today. i had that chance to meet her that i had wantd all along. i didn’t. i hid in his room. i didn’t know who to be to her, i knew who i wanted to be, but it just felt like stealing so i hid, i hid and waited for her to leave. i began wondering who i was anymore. he never invited me to his birthday party, he only slept with me the night before.
being away from him, letting him go, leaving him alone, embracing his release leaves a space i opened up to let him in. i fill this hole with grief instead of cherishing the glow his presence left
Now that i think about it, i think i’ve experienced “in love” only one time. That one time was back when i was 12 years old. We of course never slept together, i mean jeez i was only 12! I know it sounds crazy, but the way that boy made me feel was beyond a childish crush. I was in a world beyond explanation. We pop kissed one time and that was the best kiss i have ever experienced. It was the quickest little kiss, that felt like it was never going to end. Maybe I felt that way just because it was my first kiss. But regardless, i am now 22 years old and none of my ex’s (including my current bf) ever made me feel that way.
Some experience being “in love” in their lifetime and some don’t. I believe that, as long as your partner makes you happy and you can see yourself having a family with him, is good enough. You can’t just sit there wait for that perfection, because perfection doesn’t exsist. “In love” indeed exsists, but like i said not everyone reaches that feeling. So be grateful for what you have or what is waiting for you. Because in the end “In Love” is temporary and can be very painful, according to many who’ve experienced it.
Cheers to love and happiness.
Well, since this discussion is still underway, I’d like to chime in with some thoughts of my own; all of which are only my opinion, of course…
To be “in love” feels so unutterably exquisite because it provokes in the individual experiencing those feelings a sense of completeness, acceptance, perfection, connectedness, value, self-worth, and the culmination of many other latent longings. It seems to me that these are all subjective qualities, but are only ever experienced as being attributable to being “in love” with someone; which makes them all dependent and conditional feelings. This is an incredibly disempowering position to be in! The intensity of the passion one feels for another individual is often provoked by a qualiy they possess which we feel we need; i.e., strength, beauty, intelligence, or a combination of similar traits. It’s as though one is unable to feel any of these intensely powerful feelings by oneself or as oneself…
“Love”, on the other hand, can be equally empowering for oneself and others; including one’s pets, friends, collegues, and so forth!! “Love” is not a word that should ever be used to seriously describe one’s feeling of desire or need for an object, either animate or inanimate. Love is free from need, desire, possession, judgement, boredom, physical flaws, personality flaws, or any kind of value-judgment which springs from feeling that someone is not “good enough” to be the recipient of our love.
Sound idealistic; unrealistic, even? Well, that’s because TRUE love is a rare, rare thing indeed. This subject is one which I believe we ALL need to take very seriously, for it lies at the heart of what it means to be human. Are we driven by unconquerable physical and psychological needs and desires which we can only ever hope to ameliorate by indulging them in a socially acceptable way; or are we, in fact, capable of outgrowing and ultimately conquering these compulsions, leading us towards true love….?
Now there’s a challenge…
I really liked this article & the responses I’ve read – a variety of perspectives out there ! All great to hear about. Here is my perspective on things:
I’m 36yr and have been in a relationship with my wonderful bf for 2.5 yrs now. I’ve never lived with a man, and based on the heady descriptions given of ‘in love’ – I am not sure I have ever felt this feeling in a constant way for my current bf who I do love. Nor have I ever felt this in my life in a constant manner.
I have felt breathless and in ‘la-la land, in love’ feelings growing up – these were infatuations. Often they were felt for men I loved from afar (had crushes on), but I had also felt that for previous bf who as I got to know better I fell out of infatuation with. In addition, I have felt ‘in love’ on some days and not on others with my current boyfriend – it flows in & out of our relationship these feelings and as long as it continues to flow back in at times, I think things are as good as they get in the real world.
It is a great notion that one can find someone one day with whom every moment one feels ‘in love’ with – but most couples I know do not have this and a few who think they do I perceive as being infatuated. Being ‘in love’ is a great feeling I should but I do wonder how much of it is reality based and how much is simply an ego need to feel like the centre of another’s (and one-self’s) universe. How much of it is due to not loving oneself truly?
As I’ve grown older and had several relationships (and not married or lived w anyone due to not feeling it was right yet) I think feeling ‘in love’ DEFINITLY has little to do with ‘true love’. To me, True Love is a much deeper, spiritual thing – and is at a gut level for me. In your gut you feel that the safety and happiness of your true love is of utmost importance – it is selfless love; but this selfless love also embodies deep self-love, as you would never act unkindly to yourself either in such a relationship (by tolerating abuse in the name of love – that is a perversion of love). When combined with transient feelings of passion (which I feel in my heart & loins haha) it is heaven on earth; but the ‘true’ part of the love is not about these transient moments. It is wanting the others happiness even when you are not necessarily ‘feeling it’ for them every day.
I find it sad, so many people today are seeking the ‘in love’ high and are willing to throw away a loving, happy, committed, respectful, secure, intimate relationship that has its passionate moments but is not dominated by passion as the years go on jus to go chase after a mere feeling with a new love object – but how long will this new moment of being ‘in love’ last?
I think the expectation that one must feel ‘in love’ and even feel ‘loving’ for a partner all the time is an impossible expectation – even parents do not always feel loving towards their child – but they act lovingly (if the are good parents) nonetheless. I think these false expectations have really cripple the beauty of true love in our culture – the sec the feeling of love falters or the headiness of ‘in love’ dwindles the relationship is ended and a new love object is sought after. To feel the depth of true love and have the dream of growing old with another with love and happiness will not happen with this mindset. True love can take the moments of not feeling ‘in love’ with the knowledge these feelings ebb & flow and have nothing to do with the deep appreciation and respect of our true love and an undying desire that our true loves is happy and safe and loved. True love is rare because true lovers are rare – to be a true lover means working on yourself and knowing yourself and your lovers good and bad qualities. It is a lifetime process – that’s why I think you can only know if you have found true love or have been a true lover at the end of your journey here.