Storytelling in the Context of Relationships
“The shortest distance between truth and a human being is a story.”
—Anthony de Mello, from One Minute Wisdom
Jon Graves writes:
Shared experiences are the glue of relationships of all types. We feel bonded to someone when we can empathize with them, and see ourselves in their shoes. Intense situations, from ecstatic to harrowing, form bonds like nothing else.
What about those experiences others weren’t around for? The ones that happened before we met the other person, or that happened while we were out on a different adventure? How do we convey the feelings and experiences in a way that promotes empathy and brings the other person into our experience?
Storytelling.
The primary reason for telling a story is conveying information in an effective manner; the best stories evoke emotion within the listener that connects them with the storyteller. A well-told story can make us laugh, cry, feel sympathy, or even influence our purchase of the latest in automobile technology.
Part of the bond with someone comes from trusting them and opening ourselves up to being influenced. In the context of relationships this is a powerful concept; one that can build a powerful bond between two people out of nothing more than words, be they spoken, written, sung or rapped (even 50 Cent has feelings).
Building an effective story is much simpler than you might think. You don’t have to be George Carlin or Martin Scorcese to talk about your experiences in a riveting and meaningful way. Let’s explore some ideas of effective storytelling in the context of romantic relationships:
1) identify two or three key emotions within the story.
Have you ever watched a movie that wasn’t sure if it wanted to be a drama, comedy, or documentary? That’s how your partner will feel if you try to convey more than two or three key emotions within your story. Don’t feel bad about leaving out details that once seemed important; that feeling means your story is even better.
2) Take those emotions and build on them
One of the newer areas of research in biological psychology is the concept of “mirror neurons”. In laymen’s terms (I’m the king of the laymen’s club), the phenomenon was discovered during a series of neurological experiments on monkeys in the 1980’s and 1990’s. The researchers found that there were certain sets of neurons that lit up in the monkeys’ brains both when performing a certain action and observing another monkey or human perform that action.
This applies to storytelling when painting pictures with our words. Using strong, descriptive language is highly effective at evoking emotion in your partner and allowing them to see what you saw, hear what you heard, and feel exactly what you felt.
3) Make sure your story has a clear purpose and conclusion
Remembering high school English, the three basic elements of a story are the setup, the conflict, and the resolution. All three are important to the listener, but the resolution is often times glossed over or even completely forgotten by the teller.
An effective story resolution summarizes the “point” of the story for the listener and concludes any unresolved threads for them. Conclusions can be punchlines to a joke, morals of a story, or even just a summarization of the storyteller’s feelings. Some examples:
a) “after my mom found the stolen candy, I learned a very hard lesson in not taking things that didn’t belong to me.”
b) “so the mushroom said to the bartender,’hey I’m a fungi.’”
c) “that was definitely the most embarassing moment of my life.”
4) Most of what you say isn’t in the words coming out of your mouth
The majority of our communcation is through body language and tonal inflection. Use your body and voice tone to convey the emotions and feelings that comprise your story.
More importantly, make sure you aren’t contradicting your words with body language and voice inflection. If your listener should be scared at a certain point in your story, make sure you aren’t smiling and laughing. If the story is a joke and you’re scowling at your listener by the end of it, you probably won’t be getting the laughs you expected.
The next time someone tells you a gripping story, be aware of the words and body language they are using to evoke emotion and draw you into your world. Use that awareness and understanding to make your own stories more engaging, satisfying for your listeners and ultimately strengthening your bonds.
Now go build a deeper relationship with someone!
People in film school used to give me their scripts to review. I would read the scripts and puzzle over what the point was. Then I’d ask them specific questions like “Am I supposed to *like* this character?” They’d say it was all up to me.
I suggested they should have answers to questions like this–so that all the various tools at their disposal (sound, lighting, etc.) can help support the point. If moral ambiguity is the central issue, then that is a point *in and of itself* and should be explicitly called out.
Usually they’d ignore my advice, leaving everything as it was. All I could do is shrug and say “If you don’t know where you’re going, any path will get you there.”
Good to be reminded to be more conscious of that in personal communications. Most people don’t like to think that much, but I do! Yet despite being good about making my points in writing, I’m not necessarily good about it in off-the-cuff conversation. It’s harder when you can’t edit!
I was reminded also of the line from Charles Wright’s poem “Polaroids” – “Those without stories are preordained to repeat them.”
I think the other part of stories is that our ability to tell our own and also rewrite our own stories is part of our ability to make meaning out of our lives, and help context set and make meaning for others.
Cool post, thank you!
I find closing my eyes and imaging the moment before I tell the story helps. If I was to tell a story about my childhood, I would close my eyes and re-live that moment. I would remember how I felt at the time, and I would project my emotions toward my audience.
I also recommend. Pay close attention to your audiences’ body language to engage how they are responding to your story. If your story was meant to invoke multiple emotions, did the audience respond to those emotions? If not, you may need to work on your delivery.
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