An Open Letter to Females Found in Public Places
“The secret of happiness is this: let your interests be as wide as possible, and let your reactions to the things and persons that interest you be as far as possible friendly rather than hostile.”
~Bertrand Russell
Dear Cute and Intelligent Females:
I’m a man who likes women. I like meeting them, talking to them, flirting with them. Like most men, however, I have trouble approaching you in public.
There are a lot of guys like me out there. Sometimes you forget that the game of love is best played cooperatively, not competitively. As a public service, I’ve put together a list of observations on things that we guys struggle with when approaching women. Being aware of these things will make our job easier and your interactions more interesting and engaging. At least when you’re talking to me.
- We suck at reading minds (also known as body language and voice inflection). Make it painfully obvious to us what you’re thinking and feeling. Men are a face-value breed and find it very difficult to (and frankly don’t like to) read into body language and voice tonality/inflection. If we don’t seem like we’re getting it, then we’re probably not
- Rejection is the male version of spiders: small and harmless, but incredibly scary. You guys freak out at a spider, we freak out at rejection. Hopefully this explains some strange behavior you may have observed in the past.
- Females are built to be conversational Olympians, while most men converse about as well as dogs can kayak. Help us out by offering up topics of conversation. Do most of the talking. Ask us open ended questions about our feelings and experiences. Not all men like to open up to a girl they just met or even know how to speak the language of women; when you find one that does you might want to hang onto him for a bit.
- iPods and sunglasses are evil. You might as well be standing behind 3 tons of heavy artillery with a sign that says “I will destroy your Xbox, plasma TV, and three quarters of the world’s beer supply if you come one step closer”. Take your sunglasses off if you see a cute guy. Wrap up your earbuds if you’re in proximity to a potential mate. Eye contact and open body language are huge and can do wonders to get a guy to approach you.
- If you’re wearing a ring, don’t hide it. Don’t be afraid to tell us you’re already in a relationship. There are tactful ways of doing this. Tell us you can’t wait to get home to your husband’s award-winning meatloaf. Mention how awesome your boyfriend’s watercolor art of Lake Tahoe is. We’ll get the hint. If we don’t, you’re well justified in throwing a dirty martini or a nearby bucket of mop water in our face.
- Mild confrontation is healthy and necessary. Women avoid confrontation the same way men avoid rejection (hint: like the plague). That’s why you give us fake numbers and that’s why we chicken out on making a move. Be more upfront and we’ll respect you (and probably be turned on too). I’m not advocating turning into a GI Jane (although some guys are into that), but sometimes guys need their egos shaped and trimmed a bit.
- Last but not least: SMILE. Nothing improves an interaction more than a smiling, friendly face. Think of it this way—who would you rather have approach you, the hot dude with a furrowed brow, or the average guy with a big friendly grin on his face? If you answered with Hot Furrowed Brow Guy, then please keep on not smiling so I don’t approach your cranky ass.
Like the wise old dating coach Hitch says, “No woman wakes up saying ‘God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!‘”
So if you want to be swept off your feet by a man, be more conscious of the message you convey. Most girls are not aware of the signals they are broadcasting to the world and the only way to effectively change personal behavior is to become more aware of what we do, when we do it, and why we do it. Pay attention and the rest will follow.
Improving the world one interaction at a time,
Jon Graves
Jon,
Thanks for the post. One critiical element you are missing that explains this is.. Girls are hit on a lot. So they develop automatic defense mechanisms, which makes them frequently about as conscious as when they are wearing sunglasses and ipods.
“No woman wakes up saying ‘God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!‘”
but they do say
“I wanna have fun, Don’t make me think!”
“I so don’t want to be bothered everywhere I go by people trying to pick me up‘”
“I’m hot, I’ve got the playing field advantage. Lots of guys, no spiders. If you can’t figure out to appoach me and make me laugh, then there is always another guy who will”.
Fair points.
However, most of the girls I know, hot ones included, rarely get approached or bothered by men during the day in public places. It’s possible that this behavior varies by geographical location. My experience is primarily in the Philly area, with some input from females in the LA area.
Have you observed differently?
>Have you observed differently?
I’m sure your right.
But I’m totally the wrong person to be asking. I’m usually the one with the ipod and sunglasses with the Do Not Distrube glare on
Jon,
I hate reading minds too, haha. After many years of practice, I’d still rather a woman just tell me what she is thinking, saving me time and energy.
First: “Men are a face-value breed and find it very difficult to (and frankly don’t like to) read into body language and voice tonality/inflection.”
Then: “Eye contact and open body language are huge and can do wonders to get a guy to approach you.”
Figure it out and get back to us.